The Boys in Town

Happiness, heart breaks, & a whole mess of spelling errors

Tag: san francisco

Exposure to Poly

December 1, 2019 /

It all began with a glance and a smile…

Before we divulge into the trials and tribulations that may arise from polyamory, let’s talk about our first exposure to polyamory. My partner and I were in an open relationship since my time studying abroad. An aspect of our relationship dealt with having guys over from time to time. We had fancied this one guy who we’d occasionally hang out with, anywhere from one to three times a month, for about a year. What started as something casual at first became something more over time. It wasn’t until several months later that my partner had brought up the idea of dating this guy together. 

The idea perplexed me, to think about me, my partner, and another person in a relationship together. Some of these uncertainties was due to a constant need to know what the final outcome of dating someone together. I now know that these feelings stemmed from a social construct called relationship escalator. For those who have not read More Than Two, A Practical Guide To Ethical Polyamory or haven’t delved into non-monogamy, relationship escalator refers to societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible markers, toward a clear goal. 

After about four months and another proposal to consider dating, I decided to entertain the idea of dating someone else together. While a thruple wasn’t an easy concept to grasp, I tried, but my partner saw how I was struggling with it.

It wasn’t until our ex, we’ll refer to him as “The EDMer”, invited us to a group of sex-positive and open men. We had gone to one of their “parties” once before and had a great time. Meeting new people, creating friendships and making out with many of guys. The exposure to such a sex-positive environment, in a safe space, was euphoric. This experience was an exploration into a different lifestyle I’d never imagine for myself and my partner. 

At our second group “party,” I thought I’d let my partner and the EDMer have fun in the playroom while I mingle and drink. As I was looking around, I accidentally bumped into this guy, who I now know as my co-conspirator’s fiancé, yep that’s right, “the fiancé” from our previous post. I shall refer to him as “The Gaymer.” It was quite serendipitous.

Let’s get back to the story, shall we. We locked eyes, smiled and then introduced ourselves to one another. It was hard to comprehend the feeling I felt in that moment because it has happened twice before in my life. It’s the instant connection with someone without really knowing them. We continued our conversation and had some time to know each other well that night. After that we exchanged numbers and went our separate ways.

After the “party”, we all put in an effort to clean up and get food. So, it was my partner, the EDMer, the gaymer, and some friends from the party that went out to get some late night Korean cuisine. My partner, had been talking to the gaymer and then referred me to continue talking to him about polyamory.  

I did have some reservations about being completely open and in a thruple. The premise of these talks was to grasp a better understanding of non-monogamy with the hope of being more comfortable with my current relationships. As my partner and I were actively dating someone, there was something about the gaymer that intrigued me. We started texting, daily, for about a month. And through that time, our talk bridged past the concept of polyamory and I really got a sense and feel for him. Then he told me how he felt about me and then asked me out on a date. That was the beginning of my journey into polyamory.

We had gone on several home dates, in the South Bay. It was enjoyable and exciting and new. I now understand NRE or what More Than Two describes as “a strong, almost giddy feeling of excitement and infatuation common in the beginning of any new romantic relationship.” This experience opened my eyes to non-monogamy, poly and so much more. This exposure has altered my view on relationships and gave me the knowledge to embrace polyamory.

– Cheers from your friendly Poly Guy 2

Flashcards and Flow Charts

December 1, 2019 /

A small disclaimer before we begin. While I may one day choose to reveal the beautiful face behind this mask of anonymity, the others who have come to be a part of my life through this journey of polyamory may not share that sentiment. Out of respect for those individuals and their privacy, their identities will remain anonymous.  For those few of you out there who may know my co-conspirator and I, and our relationships, I’d humbly ask you to keep that information to yourself and respect the privacy of all involved.  

Our early years in the Bay Area were easy. To be honest the idea of polyamory never crossed our minds.  We were too busy finding our new routine. It would be a trip home to visit family that would begin the chain reaction.  The night started as any other with drinks and conversations with some friends, but somewhere along the way it wandered into the topic of kink and sex. What would come of that discussion would be a decision to open up our relationship.  

That night we went home and had a serious conversation. We both expressed our wants and laid out ground rules of what we needed for each of us to feel secure. Like my own foray into dating, there would be some stumbles as we worked out the kinks.  When we finally found a guy we both were interested in and who was interested in us both, the evening spent together was electrifying. I could give you a play by play that would leave you sweating, but this isn’t that kind of blog. Suffice it to say we were drenched in sweat ourselves.

The next year would see the start of a new chapter in our lives.  Over the course of this phase we would test the waters and boundaries we had established.  As we grew more comfortable, we’d open up a little more and try something new. Keep in mind at this point we were only open & not polyamorous.  For those who may not understand the difference here. While “open” allows for varying degrees of physical intimacy, it does not necessarily allow for emotional intimacy or relationships.  The guys we invited into our bed were only there for one reason. Least that was how it started.  

As the dust settled and we began filling up our shared calendar (for you couples out there this is a must to keep from double booking, luckily that time it worked out in everyone’s favor and our bed was big enough) certain guys started to become constant fixtures in that schedule.  The occurrence highlighted an important element of being open. These weren’t just phone numbers or grindr profiles, these were real people we were talking to. Turned out, some of them, we actually shared mutual interests and enjoyed bonding with, in and out of the bedroom. Which brought up an even bigger question.  Were we worried about becoming *too* attached to other guys? What would happen if we fell in love with another guy? The answer we came up with…we’d see when we get there…  

We were traveling in Japan when we met the Tokyoite.  We met him in a Yamachan, over delicious chicken wings and cold red wine. The wine was terrible, but the company was superb. Over the course of our vacation we’d meet up with the Tokyoite three more times. We parted with a promise that our door would be open to him should he ever make it state-side, which he did several times over the next few years.  

The Tokyoite was the first, but not the last.  Over time there would be other relationships that would blossom to have an outsized influence on the Fiance and I (Yay! We got an upgrade!). Each at different stages & all happening at once.  Suddenly what had once been conjecture had become reality. We were faced with a difficult question. What do we do when the structure of our agreement no longer aligned with the relationships they were designed to support?  

The answer was simple, though it took several conversations to get there.  We needed a new framework that would better meet our needs. Neither of us wanted to secede the relationships we had worked so hard to build by this point.  We had both found love, or were on our way to finding it. We had built a network of friends and lovers that had added a whole new (and welcome) dimension to our life. Neither of us denied that, in fact we loved it, We were building a family of our choosing and it felt right. With that belief held firmly in mind, we decided it was time to accept our relationship for what we had built it to be, a polyamorous one. Finally.  We had a framework that fit out needs & allowed us to continue growing.

Begin at the Beginning…

November 24, 2019 /

I never anticipated the twists and turns that would lead me to this point in my life, but I’m thankful for the opportunities and lessons I have gotten to experience along the way.  They are what laid the ground-work for where I am now. If we are going to build any sort of bond between you and I on the subjects to come, it’s best you know a little bit about me and that ground-work that came before. So let’s begin at the beginning….

      Before the polyamory, parties, hook-ups, google calendars, boyfriends, relationship agreements, day glo paint…(the list goes on) I was a mildly confused, quiet, and shy architecture student.  (To be clear all of those things are still true, now I’m just confused about different things.) For all the gay porn I watched. Starting from the very first time I discovered it. After I learned my parents online account password as a pre-teen (they wrote it on a piece of paper and forgot they did) and then covertly changed my own account settings in the dead of night, till well into college. It would takes years of frustration and agonizing internal dialogue before I would come to accept myself for being gay. While it does not define all of me, it is very much an integral part to whom I am. I’ll save the details of my coming-out for another post for now. That is not to say it is unimportant, for many (including myself) it is an integral part of learning to accept who you are. This post is about a different chapter, however, and so we shall fast forward, just a tiny bit.

Let us return to that shy & quiet architecture boy we have left waiting patiently in the wings. He enters scene left, heartbroken and drowning in school & work. Well, mostly work, it was summer break after all. He had nothing to do, but wallow in his own heartbreak over a recent break-up. A break-up that happened to be his very first boyfriend, but not relationship (I did say a tiny bit). The whole affair was messy and painful. There might have even been some ugly crying, which although he looks…well its ugly crying, no looks pretty doing that. Heartbroken as he was, his determination would keep him moving forward, as he sought to figure out the whole gay dating thing. That was not an easy feat turns out. Keeping in mind our hero of this (current) tragedy is shy and quiet, almost to the point of running the other direction should a cute guy even looks his way, face-to-face interactions were essentially out of the question. Instead he would turn to the internet. Not Grindr, Grindr didn’t work on flip phones. No, instead he turned to that antiquated form of dating, a dating website. 

The idea came from a previous evening spent mending the broken heart of a dear & close friend. Inspired in their wallowing by a commercial pontificating the virtues of a particular online dating site, they had begun to fill out online profiles in hopes of finding ‘the one’. Turns out her ‘one’s’ name was Luke, his ‘one’s’ name was “we’re sorry, please try a different site’. (See? Tragedy.). He ventured out in search of other platforms and new beginnings, undeterred by those initial abysmal results.  He would stumble several times in the course of his endeavour, but slowly, slowly, things would come together. He eventually would find a dating site that met his needs. After several failed attempts and one poorly matched date, he would chance upon someone unique and charming. Someone who would help to define the next decade of his life (and still counting). The Fiancé.

Now like all good romances this one started out with some serious cheese. I know because the Fiancé is a nerd, our hero was a newly-minted awkward gay, and 10 years later I have read those conversations and they are truly & adorkably cringe worthy. There’s talk of pasta and swimming and clarinet playing. (That was actual clarinet playing for those with more salacious minds. I’m a proper gentleman so long as the lights are at least dimly lit.) Whatever it was, it spoke to our hero’s heart and pulled on all the right strings. There would be a touching first date that is often regaled upon unsuspecting new acquaintances even now. Though the version changes depending on who’s telling the tale. In short, I come out looking like the cute & shy guy I am, and the Fiancé gets to play the role of Knight in Shining Armor, who sweeps in right at the closing scene and steals a tender and cautious kiss from the lips of his soon to be prince. The date would leave our college boy breathless and texting constantly (and annoyingly often) for the next 6 mos. The fact that he even has a fiancé at all to this day boggles the mind.  

Fast forward now to a few years into our hero’s new relationship. The once tragic protagonist is no longer pining for lost love, but reveling in his current one. The intervening time has been spent learning to navigate becoming a ‘we’, moving in with the (then) Boyfriend, and attempting to jump start a budding architecture career. Anyone of those items alone is enough to send a sane person running, but there he was doing them all of them at once. Poor fool. Over this duration of time many a discussion had taken place. One common thread that had come up consistently was a love for California. San Francisco in particular. Both our hero & the Boyfriend loved the city and the idea of moving there some day.  Neither had any clue of how they would get there, but neither was deterred by that fact either. They had even taken several trips. Doing all the quintessential touristy bits, In-&-Out, Lombard Street, walking the Golden Gate bridge… They could both see themselves living in the Bay area, they just need an opportunity to do so.

The opportunity would come in the form of a job offer. You see the Boyfriend worked for a fairly well-known corporation with headquarters in the Bay Area. As luck would have it, he was the smarter of the two of them & had secured a career opportunity in the company’s home office. What started as a three-month assignment, protracted into a five month one, and eventually an actual job offer. Our hero was quite surprised when he came home from his week-long vacation with his family and the first words out of the Boyfriend’s mouth were “Want to move to San Francisco?” He would have also accepted “Hello! I’ve missed you! I haven’t seen you in 5 months!” or “You look tanner!”, but an offer to move was just as good in his opinion. Regardless the reintroductions, five months after setting off for the west coast our couple was reunited and soon to be on the move once again. What had started as a tragedy in this post so long ago would materialize into the beginnings of a grand adventure for our college boy. Neither of the two could have anticipated what the West Coast would hold in store for them. Their move truly, was only the beginning. 

My trek to “The City”

November 24, 2019 /

My transition to San Francisco wasn’t the traditional transplant story of moving for a job offer. I am a Bay Area native. Growing up in the South Bay, San Jose to be exact, meant a long trek north to get to “The City”. I’d visit San Francisco often for family events, but rarely have time to enjoy all it had to offer.

The journey began in university, which failed miserably. After high school I moved 400-miles south to started my college career at the University of Riverside and study environmental science. This idea of course, stemmed from my parents being that it was a profitable major and just like any good son I felt the need to please them. Unfortunately, after two quarters I flunked all my courses and in the moment, a part of me regretted it. But this failure led to positive growth and through that flourished to a beautiful friendship with someone who I consider one of my best friends. She, like me, was devastated to find out that we both would not be continuing our education as freshmen at UCR so we moved back to the Bay Area.

This low-point in my life was a turning point. One of my best friends (not best friend because I am a firm believer in having many close friends that you can confide in) lived in Daly City, CA, which is only a five-minute drive from San Francisco so we’d hang out frequently. We became two of the best friends anyone could ask for. And need I mention, she’s one of the most brutally honest people I have ever known – we all need at least one person like that in our lives. With that said, she’s met all my boyfriends. I owe some part of my decision to move to the city to her.

Throughout the years I became more enticed by the city for a couple of valid reasons: 1) The diversity. In such a big world, San Francisco is filled with different people without judgement. Ethnocentricity is nonexistent here which is why the city is one of a kind. 2) Gayness. We have our own community where we are free to be who we are and love who we want. This was the first place I actually felt comfortable in my own skin. I remember getting dressed up for my 21st birthday and enjoying myself at the clubs in Castro. Who can complain when surrounded by some close friends and my boyfriend, who also became the first love. Our story is one for the books, but I’ll save that for the novel. I owe another part of my decision to him. 

The summer before transferring to college was the best, we had just graduated from community college and spent the days outside reveling in our feelings. He had worked immensely to get into UC Berkeley, while I was on the fence about where I’d end up. With an acceptance into San Francisco State University and waitlisted at Cal State Long Beach for Industrial Design, I contemplated my options. I spoke to one of my professors, who game some sage advice to me. He told me, Long Beach would provide the foundation for design, but San Francisco would offer all the connections I’d need to be a successful designer. You’d think that would be another reason to go to SF, but I still had reservations. 

It wasn’t until early July that I heard back from Long Beach, by then I was more content with being a short ride away from one of my bestie, a bridge away from my boyfriend, a 45-minute drive away from my parents, and a whole lot of city to enjoy and explore. I came to San Francisco to immerse myself in a true urban city that had a vibrant gay culture. Oh boy if only I knew where it would all lead to. 

– Cheers from your friendly Poly Guy 2

Salutations & House Rules

November 17, 2019 /

My co-conspirator and I welcome you to the inaugural post of our blog. The genesis for this blog came from our shared & separate experiences surrounding being gay & polyamorous in the Bay Area. Many a conversation has been held between us at 4 am, where we’ve discussed the joys & struggles our relationships bring. These conversations have brought us just as many questions as they have insights, because the simple truth is we don’t have all the answers.  However, rather than mull these epiphanies over in the relative silence between the two of us, we thought, just maybe, we could open it up to a broader audience. After all, in this crazy city of sex parties and intertwined relationships, we can’t be the only ones trying to navigate a poly life along with the gym memberships and constantly refreshing Grindr? …Right?

And so here were are starting a blog. It’s hard to say where this blog may lead, most of my ideas are only half baked at best, but I can tell you what I’m hoping for in opening myself to the world at large. I hope others can find solace in knowing they’re not alone. I hope others can learn from my mistakes (and they are mine. The only mistake my co-conspirator has ever made was agreeing to do this blog with me, and for that I am deeply sorry). I hope it can start a dialouge around being poly & gay, because I think one is needed. I’m sure other platforms exist, but I have yet to find them, and if they do, well now there’s one more upon which to build our foundation. I will let my co-conspirator speak for himself, but these are the things I hope to come out of this adventure. And it is an adventure, there’s highs and lows, and quite a few climaxes (simultaneously, if you’re lucky). 

There are a few things I would ask of our audience, before we get started, some house rules if you will:

  1. ) Keep an open mind. Our lifestyle may not be for everyone & that’s ok, but we can all stand to learn something from one another and this is a perfect opportunity.
  2. ) Be respectful. I’ve already admitted we don’t know everything, nor do we purport to, so feel free to disagree, but do so respectfully. 
  3. ) Engage. This is just as much about starting a dialogue as it is about us face planting on a public platform for your enjoyment. So please, chime in.

Now with all the niceties and house rules out of the way I once again welcome you to our world. A world of happiness, heart breaks and a mess of spelling errors.  If you should choose to step into our world, even for a brief moment, I promise you, you will be anything but bored. Shall we begin?

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