I was wondering if you can give me, a mono person, advice on how to adjust to my fiancé telling me she is poly?

I would do anything for our family and that includes being open minded to this, but where I’m struggling is that she doesn’t know exactly what she wants.  

She tells me all the time that I’m her soulmate and she couldn’t imagine life without me, but she wants to be able to make new connections with people. I’m just confused & don’t know what kind of boundaries to make.

#AskThePolyGuys

Welcome back friends, it had been quite some time since we last chatted. Pardon the lag on our end, we hope to get back to a regular posting schedule soon. Recently, we received a question from someone who asked for advice on how to acclimate to their fiancé coming out as polyamorous.

Feedback:

For your partner to come out to you about being polyamorous can be difficult to process. My first suggestion for you and your partner is: Time. Just as hard as it was for me to come out to my parents as gay, it was even worst when I came out as poly. They really didn’t grasp the concept and related it to “hippie culture.”

Similarly, when my last partner and I decided to open up our open relationship into a non-monogamous one it was difficult. I fought the urge to allow emotions in our love life. It took me 4 months and time before my partner asked again about opening the relationship. It took time for me to process and look up the benefits of a polyamorous relationship before I could fathom the idea of consensual non-monogamy. 

A subsection of boundaries regarding time, is checking-in. In my experience, the early stages of polyamory can be a learning experience for all parties. The rules and boundaries you and your partner(s) put into place, may need to evolve as your collective relationship grows. Checking in every 3 to 6 months (or however long is enough for you) can provide insight on how each individual in the relationship is feeling. What worked three months ago, may not work now. Relationships aren’t stagnant things. Relationships are meant to grow over time, just as the people in them mature & grow.  Using regular check-ins allows those involved an opportunity to talk about those feelings & emotions one step at a time.

To address the uncertainty with what she wants in regards to polyamory, I would refer again to time and checking-in. When I first started non-monogamy, I did not expect to be as much in love with poly as much as I am now. The only way I was able to learn what I wanted or needed from a non-monogamous relationship was through experience.

Even if we could lump all of the types of polyamory. It’s not one size fits all. To get an insight on what your partner(s) might want from a polyamorous relationship, I suggest taking the “5 Love Languages” test. There are 5 types of love: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Gifts, and Quality Time. It provides a tool for learning to talk about your needs and wants.

We need to be patient as we work towards an agreement or compromise with our partner(s). If both parties have come to the table willing to work towards a better relationship, we must trust that the other is acting in good faith & do so in kind. At the beginning no one person may have a clear direction, but navigating the unknown happens one joint step at a time. Patience, open & honest communication, and time will be your allies on that journey.

If any of you readers have questions about polyamory or relationships, hit us up on instagram or email. We would love to hear from you. Again don’t forget to like, follow us on instagram, facebook. Till next time.

 -Always in Love, Your Friendly Poly Guy 1 & 2