Tag: Bay Area

It all began with a glance and a smile…

Before we divulge into the trials and tribulations that may arise from polyamory, let’s talk about our first exposure to polyamory. My partner and I were in an open relationship since my time studying abroad. An aspect of our relationship dealt with having guys over from time to time. We had fancied this one guy who we’d occasionally hang out with, anywhere from one to three times a month, for about a year. What started as something casual at first became something more over time. It wasn’t until several months later that my partner had brought up the idea of dating this guy together. 

The idea perplexed me, to think about me, my partner, and another person in a relationship together. Some of these uncertainties was due to a constant need to know what the final outcome of dating someone together. I now know that these feelings stemmed from a social construct called relationship escalator. For those who have not read More Than Two, A Practical Guide To Ethical Polyamory or haven’t delved into non-monogamy, relationship escalator refers to societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible markers, toward a clear goal. 

After about four months and another proposal to consider dating, I decided to entertain the idea of dating someone else together. While a thruple wasn’t an easy concept to grasp, I tried, but my partner saw how I was struggling with it.

It wasn’t until our ex, we’ll refer to him as “The EDMer”, invited us to a group of sex-positive and open men. We had gone to one of their “parties” once before and had a great time. Meeting new people, creating friendships and making out with many of guys. The exposure to such a sex-positive environment, in a safe space, was euphoric. This experience was an exploration into a different lifestyle I’d never imagine for myself and my partner. 

At our second group “party,” I thought I’d let my partner and the EDMer have fun in the playroom while I mingle and drink. As I was looking around, I accidentally bumped into this guy, who I now know as my co-conspirator’s fiancé, yep that’s right, “the fiancé” from our previous post. I shall refer to him as “The Gaymer.” It was quite serendipitous.

Let’s get back to the story, shall we. We locked eyes, smiled and then introduced ourselves to one another. It was hard to comprehend the feeling I felt in that moment because it has happened twice before in my life. It’s the instant connection with someone without really knowing them. We continued our conversation and had some time to know each other well that night. After that we exchanged numbers and went our separate ways.

After the “party”, we all put in an effort to clean up and get food. So, it was my partner, the EDMer, the gaymer, and some friends from the party that went out to get some late night Korean cuisine. My partner, had been talking to the gaymer and then referred me to continue talking to him about polyamory.  

I did have some reservations about being completely open and in a thruple. The premise of these talks was to grasp a better understanding of non-monogamy with the hope of being more comfortable with my current relationships. As my partner and I were actively dating someone, there was something about the gaymer that intrigued me. We started texting, daily, for about a month. And through that time, our talk bridged past the concept of polyamory and I really got a sense and feel for him. Then he told me how he felt about me and then asked me out on a date. That was the beginning of my journey into polyamory.

We had gone on several home dates, in the South Bay. It was enjoyable and exciting and new. I now understand NRE or what More Than Two describes as “a strong, almost giddy feeling of excitement and infatuation common in the beginning of any new romantic relationship.” This experience opened my eyes to non-monogamy, poly and so much more. This exposure has altered my view on relationships and gave me the knowledge to embrace polyamory.

– Cheers from your friendly Poly Guy 2

A small disclaimer before we begin. While I may one day choose to reveal the beautiful face behind this mask of anonymity, the others who have come to be a part of my life through this journey of polyamory may not share that sentiment. Out of respect for those individuals and their privacy, their identities will remain anonymous.  For those few of you out there who may know my co-conspirator and I, and our relationships, I’d humbly ask you to keep that information to yourself and respect the privacy of all involved.  

Our early years in the Bay Area were easy. To be honest the idea of polyamory never crossed our minds.  We were too busy finding our new routine. It would be a trip home to visit family that would begin the chain reaction.  The night started as any other with drinks and conversations with some friends, but somewhere along the way it wandered into the topic of kink and sex. What would come of that discussion would be a decision to open up our relationship.  

That night we went home and had a serious conversation. We both expressed our wants and laid out ground rules of what we needed for each of us to feel secure. Like my own foray into dating, there would be some stumbles as we worked out the kinks.  When we finally found a guy we both were interested in and who was interested in us both, the evening spent together was electrifying. I could give you a play by play that would leave you sweating, but this isn’t that kind of blog. Suffice it to say we were drenched in sweat ourselves.

The next year would see the start of a new chapter in our lives.  Over the course of this phase we would test the waters and boundaries we had established.  As we grew more comfortable, we’d open up a little more and try something new. Keep in mind at this point we were only open & not polyamorous.  For those who may not understand the difference here. While “open” allows for varying degrees of physical intimacy, it does not necessarily allow for emotional intimacy or relationships.  The guys we invited into our bed were only there for one reason. Least that was how it started.  

As the dust settled and we began filling up our shared calendar (for you couples out there this is a must to keep from double booking, luckily that time it worked out in everyone’s favor and our bed was big enough) certain guys started to become constant fixtures in that schedule.  The occurrence highlighted an important element of being open. These weren’t just phone numbers or grindr profiles, these were real people we were talking to. Turned out, some of them, we actually shared mutual interests and enjoyed bonding with, in and out of the bedroom. Which brought up an even bigger question.  Were we worried about becoming *too* attached to other guys? What would happen if we fell in love with another guy? The answer we came up with…we’d see when we get there…  

We were traveling in Japan when we met the Tokyoite.  We met him in a Yamachan, over delicious chicken wings and cold red wine. The wine was terrible, but the company was superb. Over the course of our vacation we’d meet up with the Tokyoite three more times. We parted with a promise that our door would be open to him should he ever make it state-side, which he did several times over the next few years.  

The Tokyoite was the first, but not the last.  Over time there would be other relationships that would blossom to have an outsized influence on the Fiance and I (Yay! We got an upgrade!). Each at different stages & all happening at once.  Suddenly what had once been conjecture had become reality. We were faced with a difficult question. What do we do when the structure of our agreement no longer aligned with the relationships they were designed to support?  

The answer was simple, though it took several conversations to get there.  We needed a new framework that would better meet our needs. Neither of us wanted to secede the relationships we had worked so hard to build by this point.  We had both found love, or were on our way to finding it. We had built a network of friends and lovers that had added a whole new (and welcome) dimension to our life. Neither of us denied that, in fact we loved it, We were building a family of our choosing and it felt right. With that belief held firmly in mind, we decided it was time to accept our relationship for what we had built it to be, a polyamorous one. Finally.  We had a framework that fit out needs & allowed us to continue growing.