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Hi! Have we met?! (Meeting Other Polys)

January 3, 2020 / Poly Guy 1

As mentioned before in previous posts, the poly aspect of my Fiance’s and I relationship is relatively new, maybe a year/two-ish. As we developed into a polyamorous couple those boyfriends we had grown close to initially, had been an organic affair. While it was a beautiful way to grow a relationship, open, no strings attached, no expectations, our relationships were more the result of serendipity than an intentional search for paramours. In some cases luck was on our side and these relationships have continued to blossom beautifully, but things such as nebulous boundaries, misaligned expectations, communication deficiencies, all put unnecessary strain on even the most carefree of partnerships and many of those relationships crumbled under that weight.

As we learned from our heart breaks and mistakes (not an easy or painless feat I assure you) and began to take ownership of the polyamorous aspect of our relationship we learned two things. First the internet was both our friend & foe when it came to finding resources & two not all dating apps are created equal.

You know what the problem with being poly is? There’s very few depictions of us in pop culture, very few socially acceptable conversations that don’t end in some kind of joke or judgement being passed. What this means, of course, is like any group of misfits or outliers in this day and age we must turn to the internet, for pretty much everything. (At least at first, until you can grow your community.) The internet can be a great tool, but as with all internet searches approach your findings with a healthy dose of common sense and skepticism. My co-conspirator and I have had reasonable luck with facebook. Search for poly groups or meet-ups has turned up a number of poly-happy hours and get-togethers. To be fair we have only attended one, but it proved to be a success in that we actually got to talk to new people about shared life experiences and desires. We are attending our second next week! For those of you who may live in less urban areas, these same groups, while not available in a physical presence at least allow for a digital correspondence to begin your journey and build your network. I would also defer to Poly Guy 2 for his take on online resources as he does list a few valuable ones I won’t list for a second time here, given he does it so eloquently.

Lesson number two: Not all dating apps are created equal. In the world of gay hook-ups none is more well-known by name alone than Grindr. While I can tell you Grindr has many fun and desirable uses, I’m not sure I would go so far as to say finding paramours is one of them. Unsurprisingly when my Fiance was the first of the two of us to put ‘poly’ in ‘about me’, his inbox was not flooded with a flurry of emails from similar minded guys. Mostly still the usual barrage of dick pics, but now the occasional what is poly? While guys showed an academic interest, for most it transferred into nothing more than a lively educational discussion. These are necessary discussions, and believe me, you will have many of these (for those of you who hate to play the role of educator, please feel free to refer them to this fine blog, we welcome all kinds), it does very little to broaden one’s own community. My fiance’ very quickly found he would need to find a different platform.

My Fiance settled on OkCupid. For two reasons, one the seemingly general approval across a number of articles and websites & two, a past success rate substantiated by our own on-going relationship. OkCupid allowed for a more in-depth profile and search functionality. While apps like Grindr satiates a desire for visual stimuli, who doesn’t want to stare at a chiseled torso, it leaves much to be desired by way of information. Position, last tested date, physical traits, tribes, an often limited description, while great for determining physical and sexual interest and compatibility, provides spartan detail on relationship intentions, goals, and/or desires. It is by no means impossible, but an app or a dating website with a more robust profile is going to allow for, you guessed it, a more robust assessment and understanding of an individual. By no means fool-proof to be certain, just a better success rate. Something which in fact was the case for us when my fiance met one of his current boyfriends the Playwright. He got a theatre consort and I got a night of wine and anime to myself (among other things, to say the least about a beautiful individual)

While it can seem challenging to penetrate this seemingly covert world of free-loving individuals. The fact of the matter is, the majority of us love to talk about our poly lives. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Such conversations nurture us and excite us. We love meeting new people and educating those around us, because like anybody we want to be able to live in the open, without fear of being judged. Finding us may require a little bit of digging, but don’t be afraid to reach out, often you will find open arms and a warm smile on the other side.

New guy on the block; Poly Guy 1

New Beginnings: How to Meet Other Poly Folks

January 3, 2020 / Poly Guy 2

It’s a new year, filled with opportunities, adventures, and enjoyment. We all have our set of New Year’s Resolutions and this year is no different. While there are many things to resolve in the new year, we thought it was best to equip you with suggestions on how to begin your journey to polyamory. How to learn more about it? Disclaimer: What worked for us might not work for you, here’s our insights on how we started our poly exploration.

However you found out about polyamory: through trial and error of relationship styles with a partner, on a date, through a reading, or various other activities; it is likely to be a valuable resource. If your exposure was a person, they probably had similar inquiries at first about polyamory and can help navigate your exploration.

For myself, it wasn’t until I met the gaymer that I even considered polyamory as a lifestyle choice. While he was open and patient with all my question, he recommended reading More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory. As the title mentions, it is a more reasonable resource through polyamory with their experiences and research. It is not the only highly-rated polyamory book though. It’s predecessor, The Ethical Slut, provides a more philosophical voice on the matter.

More Than Two does provide a glossary of poly terms and a variety of resources for the reader. One section discussed on how to find other poly people because there is no such thing as a polyamorus bar. The book mentioned that OKCupid was a great resource because the app provides a non-monogamy option. Through it I have matched with several other poly people and have met up with some of them. While I have shared my experiences with some of my non-poly friends, they can only listen and try to grasp the concepts. I have learned a lot through listening to people’s shared experience with polyamory. It’s nice to confide in someone who has been in your shoes.

Other methods of finding poly people that have worked include: searching on Facebook, MeetUp, and other online forums and group-based websites. That’s how I discovered Bay Area Poly Happy Hour. They have meetups all over the Bay Area, spanning on various topics and activities. After finding them, I searched the events and found one right in our city, texted my co-conspirator and set plans to go to one of these poly happy hour meetups.

After some light shopping, happy hour drinks, and light de-briefing on each other’s lives; we marched our way to the happy hour. Us being us, we got there right as it started and it was quite dead. The full-bar restaurant was one open space with a variety of lounge and seating options. It was hard to tell who was there for the meetup and who was there for drinks and food. To kill time (and nerves) we got drinks and sat on the central couch, where we met a straight poly couple. We exchanged hellos and ended up spending the evening talking about our journey.

These are just some of our helpful avenues I’ve ventured into to find more poly people. My co-conspirator and I do not have all the answers to all poly questions but hope through our experience, we can insight further inquiry in your own questions.

Under the Covers

December 27, 2019 / Poly Guy 1

Greetings All,

With the holidays in full swing & boys prepping their outfits to ring in the new year and decade. (I’ve never seen a group of people make such fierce costumes out of so little fabric) . We’re going to take the night off to make our own preparations and snuggle under the covers with our lovers, to fend off the cold kiss of winter.

We hope you are all are warm and happy. Spend time with your loved ones and come find us in the new year! Its promises to hold exciting and new chapters for this adventure we are all embarking on!

Thank you for your continued interest & support!

We love you all unconditionally,

– The forever fearless and more often foolish Poly Guys

A Joy of Polyamory

December 20, 2019 / Poly Guy 2

With the holidays around the corner and Christmas music in the department stores, it’s finally time to be a bit gooey and talk about happy “holly” poly moments. Some of our previous topics have been on the heavier side and we wanted to shed light on one of the joyful aspects of polyamory.

Compersion. What? This made-up sounding word is the first thing that comes to mind when I think of “happy poly moments.” Compersion is “a feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.” This term is coined by Kerista Commune. It’s the opposite of jealousy, because a person experiences a positive emotion when seeing their partner(s) with another love interest. While compersion might not equate to “happy poly moments”, they work together to accomplish the joys of poly.

I first heard this term on the dance floor at a gay days event at Six Flags Discovery Kingdom by the gaymer was dating at the time. As we were dancing, I saw him look off into the distance and start to grin. I peer over in that direction to see what all the smiles were about. He saw his fiancé dancing with his boyfriend and all he could do was smile and say, “Aww.”

Looking back on the year, there were many moments of compersion and happiness. One in particular I’d like to share with you is during and after our annual Friendsgiving. Every year we host a lovely gathering, where new and close friends drink, eat, and be merry. This year was no exception.

This was the largest year turnout with 38+ people crammed into our rented 3-bedroom, San Franciscan apartment. I distinctly remember one happy poly moment that included me, the gaymer, and another poly friend called “The Kink” . After finishing my plate of food, I made my way around the house to check on everyone and see if there was anything anyone needed. I found myself in the guest room where to one side of the futon was the gaymer and to the other side was the kink, who I had met at a friend’s party earlier. I sat in the middle and cozied up to the gyamer and locked fingers. The kink scooched closer, locked fingers, and he started to gently rub his head against mine. I smiled and sighed in content. I turned towards the gaymer and grinned. We locked eyes and started to make out. It was one of the purest forms of happiness, with no judgement.

After Friendsgiving, a group of us headed to an EDM showcase of several artists with the promise of a special closing act by Seven Lions. They were one of the EDMer’s favorite artists and though we were tired, he had convinced us to go. Out of all our friends to join us, our group consisted of open, poly, couples, and singles. Once Seven Lions came on, we were all in a pure state of ecstasy. I was dancing with one of the kink, while my partner was dancing with the EDMer. Somewhere between the drop and the heavy bass; I glanced over at my partner and started to grin. Then it all clicked, that grin was a product of compersion. I couldn’t contain how ecstatic I was to see the two of them enjoying one another’s company. The only thing that made the night better was listening to Seven Lions perform their song First Time, which if you haven’t heard it yet you should give it a listen.

So cheers! It has been a journey to get here and I thank you for taking the time to read our posts. As we round the year out, I’d like to wish you and your loved ones a happy holidays and a splendid new year.

-Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

Love is all you need

December 20, 2019 / Poly Guy 1

Seasons Greetings and warm wishes! May the holidays be full of wine and people you actually want to be around. If the latter half has not proven to be true, then I wish you more wine. While you’re sipping on your wine, let me entertain you with a tale of Christmas (recent) past and the role poly played. I will mention love many times throughout post, but that is the point, love can change your perception.

I refer to my home, on occasion, as the “best little whore house in Campbell,” and that evening would be one of those occasions. Before the evening could commence however, there were preparations to be made. The house was spotless as is required for any guest vistations, not a speck of dust in sight, the glass reflective as a perfect mirror. I was running a hundred miles a minute from the moment my feet touched the floor. Haircuts, tidying, grocery shopping, and organizing. I would endeavour to not have a hair out of place before the 10-15 or so individuals slated to descend on my tiny 2 bedroom home arrived.

The first to arrive was someone you will all come to know in time as Jellybean. A love of my life and boyfriend of just over a year. His smile lights up a room and that day would be no exception. I wiped off my hands, coated in flour as they were, to catch him as he jumped into my arms and kissed me deeply. It had been a month too long since I’d seen him and this was a much needed visit. Once we were able to catch our breath, we both set quickly to baking. We are a tour de force in the kitchen as a team and baking is my favorite holiday tradition. Before the night was over we’d bake toffee, cookies, fudge, and rice krispies. My lovers would hate me and love me in the same breath for the treats that I had made.

As we burned our way through 5 lbs of butter, slowly (slowly) the rest of the gays would arrive fashionably late. Some were close friends, the majority of them were part of “The Gaggle”. This was my polycule, a group of guys I’d come to love through shared events and experiences. There was the Couple, a core in their own right, the Nurse, a southern host with charm beyond measure, the Squash Player, with adorable faces that could melt any heart, the Geologist, with a piercing sense of observation, and the Illustrator, with a glowing sense of positivity to cut through the gloom. There was also my Fiance’s own lover, the Puppy, forever seeking to show love. All individuals whom had made an indelible mark on our lives and whom I couldn’t imagine life without. This was my group, these were my lovers. People I could count on and whom I loved and who in turn, loved me back. For one of the first times in our lives, my Fiance and I, had found a group of individuals we didn’t have to hold back with. The results could not have been more satiating and fulfilling.

So there we were, the best little of whore house in Campbell in full swing. However, there wasn’t a desire for lust (as might be implied by the name or our past), but instead a desire to be loved. Throughout the night there would be a sense of intimacy. A desire to show love, a desire to show affection. At times I would find myself being held by the Couple and at other times by jellybean. Regardless of whom I was being held by, or whom was doing the holding, the point remained the same. We were all there to be supportive. Looking for even the slightest opportunity to show one another that they were important and loved.

Any person could have walked across the room, and found welcoming arms wherever they fell. The night was spent in high spirits. Some of us watched movies, others where engaged in a high stakes game of dice. The focus didn’t matter. The truth was simple. We were all loved and we are all worthy of it.

The night would end in a movie. And to be honest, I don’t even remember many details of the movie. What I do remember is this. After an evening of intimacy and excitement, a group of boys settled down to a night of affection. I fell asleep with Jellybean on one side and the Squash Player on the other, both blissfully nodding off on my shoulders. Never in my life have I felt so needed and loved than in that moment. I fell asleep that night satiated and loved and I couldn’t have asked for more. I had found individuals who loved me for me.

That night we may have departed to separate rooms, but the truth held firm: We are loved.

-PG1

Rules Are Rules…

December 13, 2019 / Poly Guy 2

Hello Friends, welcome back. This week we’ll be talking about those fun little rules discussed between you and your partner(s). This is especially fun topic for me because I am not one for confrontation.

So, let’s begin, shall we? As discussed in a previous post, my partner and I opened our relationship right before my 9-month study abroad session. As young, highly sexually-active guys, we ultimately agreed that open was the best route for the months ahead. I was uneducated on rules when we first became open. Some of our basic rules and conduct included: no exes, don’t ask/don’t tell. To be honest, I can’t remember anything more than that. Did it work?… Sort of. It wasn’t the easiest, but it was what we decided on. During my stay, I had an old iPhone with no cell data which made using Grindr extremely difficult to hook up with guys. As a result, I saw two guys, occasionally, to hook up, chat, and watch RuPaul. I’d thought that there was no re-negotiation with these rules. It led me to not ask the questions or try to amendment to our rules. I thought it was fine. After all it was only 9 months and then it’d be done, so I thought.

Prior to my return, we discussed about closing our relationship. When I moved back in that wasn’t the case. In reality, my time abroad altered my view on life and aspirations. I felt so far behind my classmates and professional goals, which lead to drop in sex-drive. This led to another conversation that dealt with our relationship, wants/needs, and goals. We continued our open endeavor, still not asking or sharing our sex-capades with one another.

Then we then experienced with have a third person over every now and then. We’d enjoy their company. This seemed like a suitable solution for us. It satisfied our sexual and intimacy needs without having to schedule time outside of my studying or prior engagements. As we shifted into this new dynamic, we had to have another conversation about the rules moving forward. The rules in place never discussed what to do if we both date the same person. So, we talked and new rules were made.

Since exploring poly, our rules have shifted. What worked back then certainly doesn’t work now. We are two different people with different standards. Sounds simple right? Guess again. After 5 years together, we’ve learned that we do have different needs from one another. I haven’t the most honest person when it comes to my partner and had miscommunication issues.

Our most recent revamp of rules and boundaries includes:

Honesty
Open Communication
Kind & Considerate

Honesty. When we talk about honesty, we’re talking about being completely honest with the other. In the past, I would lie by omission or tell my partner a half-truth to hide something. It was a defense mechanism on my part because there was so much to argue about and felt that wasn’t worth our time. Granted it always led into a larger conversation down the road. I lied often to defer confrontation, rush him out of the house, or didn’t have the capacity for another argument. The type of honesty we talk about are full truths with no fluff and that is something I have to work on.

Open. Easier said than done sometimes. It’s easy to have open communication when you feel like the other person is going to support you in whatever decision or thing you have to say. A part of me had struggled for a bit because there was a time where it felt as though everything I had to say was being rejected or pushed aside. Open communication is key in any relationship, poly or not, and is a cornerstone for trust. Just as they said it in one of my all-time favorite movies, Moulin Rouge, “Without trust, there can be no love.” By not having open communication when we first went poly did erode some of the trust and as many may know it’s a bish to gain trust again.

Kind & Considerate. These two rules are grouped together because as I outlined in the previous two, these are emotions I didn’t registered when I did lie or hide something from my partner. These are rules that I didn’t think about when I’d blurt out an offensive judgement or an actual truth. Through my Anne Hathaway-like job in The Devil Wears Prada, I have acquired some unsavory remarks and tone from my boss. I need to not be rash and always say the first thing that comes to mind. It’s unfiltered, uncensored and just not very nice. This is why these are very important to our rules of being poly.

We are still young in our poly experience and would love to hear from you about what rules or boundaries that work or don’t in your relationship. So comment below.

– Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

Mama Said… (The Importance of Rules)

December 13, 2019 / Poly Guy 1

Tonight’s post is brought to you by wine. The glass is always half full if you know how to pour. Wine…there when you need it…unlike your Grindr hook-up….

I have learned a great deal many things in my life. Some of them are useful. The larger majority of them quite useless. Though they do make for fun party bits when everyone is standing around awkwardly and at a loss for a topic. One useful thing I have learned is this. If you are going to be poly, you’re going to need rules AND if you’re going to be successful at poly, chances are you’re going to break them, together.

First off, what I don’t mean. It is still possible to cheat in a poly relationship. Just because you can sleep with everyone you want, doesn’t mean you should (also poly is about so much more than sex), particularly if you have agreements against such things. While cheating often manifests in monogamous relationships as a sexual affair, often times the pain caused by the sexual encounter is secondary (not to say it isn’t hurtful). What is often times the primary cause of grief, is the act of betrayal and dishonesty itself. You had sex with that person! You LIED to me! That is the key. Relationships are built on trust & communication, while the sex in itself is hurtful, having someone betray your trust is gut wrenching on an entirely different level. Such betrayal isn’t unique to monogamous, romantic relationships, it can manifest in any relationship and in many forms. I will repeat this again, don’t lie, & always, always communicate.

What I do mean. Poly, like any relationship, is a learning experience. Rules should be used to guide the relationship as it grows, and if we continue this metaphor, they should be used like course corrections, adjusting to the environment as new situations arise. Maybe that rule made regarding sleep-overs made sense when you first started out, but now both of you are more secure in your relationship and wishing more intimate time with the new paramours each of you has found. There’s no harm in changing the rules, if both parties agree to it. Such corrections allow for growth and new opportunities, but such things take time and dialogue.

The first five-ish years of my relationship to the Fiance’ were monogamous, and it worked for us. I even remember once, early on in the relationship, asking about if he would be interested in a threesome. The question was done more as a thought experiment than anything else. He said no, and to be quite honest I was in full agreement. Now some of you must be scratching your head. How in the world could a couple go from strictly and completely monogamous to running a poly blog, with a rolodex of fwbs and three very charming and loved paramours? The answer is simple…we talked. We were both very hesitant, but we trusted that we could each speak our minds and the other would listen without judgement. That very first night we came up with three rules:

We both had to agree on the guy
We only played together
If at anytime one of us was uncomfortable we could stop the entire scene. No questions asked and the other would support the decision.

We never once in our time being open (but before poly) used the third rule, but it provided a level of security we both needed to learn and build trust in each other. Over time, as we became more comfortable, the first two rules changed as well. We actually made it a point in the early days to check in with each other every month or so and make sure the agreement still worked. We’ve adjusted it a multitude of times over the years. Slowly Rule #2 fell away and gave way to Rule #4 ( we could play separate while traveling). Over time Rule #4 would fall away and evolve into 6, 7, and 8, but the important part was that there was always a discussion and an understanding between all parties first.

Any of the multitude of resources out there, will give you an in depth exploration into rules, agreements, and boundaries. In the world of poly particularly, such things are vital. As the web of individuals grows, more personalities & more hearts become entwined. Agreements help to create a baseline the relationship as a whole can reference back to and rely on. That being said rules are designed to facilitate and support those individuals who created them. If at any time the Relationship becomes subservient to the rules, then the time has come for reflection and dialogue.

My fiance’s pup once asked me which house I would belong to if I were to enroll in Hogwarts. My answer was Gryffindor. Not because I’m loyal or brave or fierce, but because I’m completely inept at blindly following even the smallest of rules. Always strive to grow and be better, chances are you’ll have to break a few rules in the process, but if you’re compassionate and smart the end result will outshine the original.

Love without limits poly peeps – Poly Guy 1

Poly 101 (A Crash Course in Craziness)

December 6, 2019 / Poly Guy 1

My co-conspirator and I have spent the past few weeks talking about ourselves. Given we’re both gay, we could probably do it endlessly, and chase all three of our readers away. Rest assured there was a method to our madness.

This blog is about being poly, and gay, in the Bay Area. In that order. We wanted to create a space that would allow us to explore a variety of topics surrounding these subjects. However, we felt compelled to tell you a little about ourselves & how all three of these elements speak directly to the heart of who we are and how we identify.

With the formalities out of the way we will begin our first post about something other than ourselves. The 101 of Polyamory (poly for short). Maybe some of you have heard this term before. Chances are many more of you have not. To that end we, as your ever present gay poly guides, thought we’d try and get as many people on the same page (please invite all your friends to our page we want more of you) at the beginning as possible.

We’ll style this post as a Q & A of sorts. Giving each of us a chance to interject our own thoughts. What this will show is poly is rarely black and white. It can take many forms and is largely reliant on the individuals involved, but that there are underlying concepts that ring true through a majority of poly relationship. Shall we begin?

Question 1: What the hell is poly and why do you guys keep talking about it?

–PG1: Polyamory allows individuals to explore relationships with others on their natural trajectory. Some relationships may last a lifetime, others a few months. Regardless of the length, it is the quality of time spent together that matters. Not the quantity (though that’s important to in a different sense)

–PG2: Haha, well polyamory is that cute thing that people call having multiple partners. Not like Polygamy. Because in this scenario, both partners can have other partners. And these are sexual and emotional partners.

Question 2: Having one partner is hard enough and you want how many?! Why would anyone do this?

–PG1: Why do people want 8 kids? Why does my boyfriend want to be Roger from 101 Dalmations? The answer is simple. Love is a powerful force. For me I view love as if there is an abundance to be had if you’re able to open your heart to it. Different people open you up to different worlds, and it can be an spell-binding experience.

–PG2: Because, for some people this just comes natural to them. Have you ever felt that spark, those butterflies, with someone else? It’s like that but multiplied. It just feels right in the moment and you can’t explain it.

Question 3: So if I’m single and loving life, do I have to be in a relationship first to start my poly journey?

–PG1: Gods no. You have a perfect life, why ruin it? You’re telling me you don’t have a fiance who steals all your covers? And is incapable of finding things in plain sight? (Looooooove you Fiance) Poly is about finding and navigating relationships that fill your needs, whatever they may be. Maybe you want a nesting partner and a couple close paramours. Or maybe you value your independence and your alone time and would prefer to have a few deep connections with paramours you see on occasion. You get to make that choice.

–PG2: No you don’t. There are many poly singles in the country. It’s not uncommon to meet a single poly person. They may know who they are or still discovering. Poly is opening yourself to a lot of things… Some may be good and others may hurt, but poly is a learning experience.

Question 4: Annnd… you guys never get jealous?

–PG1: Jealousy is a universal human emotion, some people experience it more than others. Those in poly relationships are not excluded the feeling. Jealousy is more about the individual than exterior influences. People in poly (good poly) relationships must face jealousy head on if they don’t want to see dischord sewn into their relationships. Is that an easy thing to do? Absolutely not, but it can be done. When you do that, a funny thing can happen in its place, which we’ll talk more about in the future, comperssion for your partner.

–PG2: Yes and no. Depending on the rules and boundaries you set for you and your partner. Personally, we have a rule of primary and secondary. What that means is that you have a primary relationship and one or more secondary relationships. Primary comes first before any secondary.

Question 5: But, but how do you schedule all of this?

–PG1: I second the google calendar, that thing is a life saver. This is a tool though. The real answer is lots and lots of communication. It’s like when you were 16 and just got your driver’s license any time you made a left turn you had to call her and let her know you were still alive. More people means more communication, but should should be talking to your partner anyways, because you love them right? What’s one more phone call?

–PG2: Google Calendar has helped a great lot. Granted that only works for Iphone users. Best try to find an app that works to schedule all your time and their time. If it’s in the calendar, then we’d figure things out with proper notice and that something to ask.

Question 6: – What is ethical poly to you? How do you carry it out?

–PG1: Ethical poly is being open, honest, & communicating with all your partners. It’s being respectful and aware of their needs, just as much as it is about asking for your own. No relationship is without balance and consent. You need both to thrive.

–PG2: Brb after a quick wine break.

Question 7: – Grindr, Tindr, OKC, and other apps. Which do you find to work the best?

–PG1: You know my fiance had great success with OkCupid. I have as story I’d love to share on it some time. For me, I’ve had success with Grindr, but that was more due to circumstances than a concerted effort to find poly relationships.

–PG2: Shit he should have poured a larger glass….

All right, well this concludes our Poly 101! This is highly HIGHLY abbreviated crash course. We will most likely touch on a number of these subjects again in depth over the course of this blog. I can tell you, it was very hard to abbreviate all that I have learned so far (which is very little) into a sound bite effectively, but I hope it has given you a feel for what is to come. We are both are both very excited to dive into this with you!

So please tell everyone and come join the fun! 🙂

Poly Guys 1 & 2

Exposure to Poly

December 1, 2019 / Poly Guy 2

It all began with a glance and a smile…

Before we divulge into the trials and tribulations that may arise from polyamory, let’s talk about our first exposure to polyamory. My partner and I were in an open relationship since my time studying abroad. An aspect of our relationship dealt with having guys over from time to time. We had fancied this one guy who we’d occasionally hang out with, anywhere from one to three times a month, for about a year. What started as something casual at first became something more over time. It wasn’t until several months later that my partner had brought up the idea of dating this guy together.

The idea perplexed me, to think about me, my partner, and another person in a relationship together. Some of these uncertainties was due to a constant need to know what the final outcome of dating someone together. I now know that these feelings stemmed from a social construct called relationship escalator. For those who have not read More Than Two, A Practical Guide To Ethical Polyamory or haven’t delved into non-monogamy, relationship escalator refers to societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible markers, toward a clear goal.

After about four months and another proposal to consider dating, I decided to entertain the idea of dating someone else together. While a thruple wasn’t an easy concept to grasp, I tried, but my partner saw how I was struggling with it.

It wasn’t until our ex, we’ll refer to him as “The EDMer”, invited us to a group of sex-positive and open men. We had gone to one of their “parties” once before and had a great time. Meeting new people, creating friendships and making out with many of guys. The exposure to such a sex-positive environment, in a safe space, was euphoric. This experience was an exploration into a different lifestyle I’d never imagine for myself and my partner.

At our second group “party,” I thought I’d let my partner and the EDMer have fun in the playroom while I mingle and drink. As I was looking around, I accidentally bumped into this guy, who I now know as my co-conspirator’s fiancé, yep that’s right, “the fiancé” from our previous post. I shall refer to him as “The Gaymer.” It was quite serendipitous.

Let’s get back to the story, shall we. We locked eyes, smiled and then introduced ourselves to one another. It was hard to comprehend the feeling I felt in that moment because it has happened twice before in my life. It’s the instant connection with someone without really knowing them. We continued our conversation and had some time to know each other well that night. After that we exchanged numbers and went our separate ways.

After the “party”, we all put in an effort to clean up and get food. So, it was my partner, the EDMer, the gaymer, and some friends from the party that went out to get some late night Korean cuisine. My partner, had been talking to the gaymer and then referred me to continue talking to him about polyamory.

I did have some reservations about being completely open and in a thruple. The premise of these talks was to grasp a better understanding of non-monogamy with the hope of being more comfortable with my current relationships. As my partner and I were actively dating someone, there was something about the gaymer that intrigued me. We started texting, daily, for about a month. And through that time, our talk bridged past the concept of polyamory and I really got a sense and feel for him. Then he told me how he felt about me and then asked me out on a date. That was the beginning of my journey into polyamory.

We had gone on several home dates, in the South Bay. It was enjoyable and exciting and new. I now understand NRE or what More Than Two describes as “a strong, almost giddy feeling of excitement and infatuation common in the beginning of any new romantic relationship.” This experience opened my eyes to non-monogamy, poly and so much more. This exposure has altered my view on relationships and gave me the knowledge to embrace polyamory.

– Cheers from your friendly Poly Guy 2

Flashcards and Flow Charts

December 1, 2019 / Poly Guy 1

A small disclaimer before we begin. While I may one day choose to reveal the beautiful face behind this mask of anonymity, the others who have come to be a part of my life through this journey of polyamory may not share that sentiment. Out of respect for those individuals and their privacy, their identities will remain anonymous. For those few of you out there who may know my co-conspirator and I, and our relationships, I’d humbly ask you to keep that information to yourself and respect the privacy of all involved.

Our early years in the Bay Area were easy. To be honest the idea of polyamory never crossed our minds. We were too busy finding our new routine. It would be a trip home to visit family that would begin the chain reaction. The night started as any other with drinks and conversations with some friends, but somewhere along the way it wandered into the topic of kink and sex. What would come of that discussion would be a decision to open up our relationship.

That night we went home and had a serious conversation. We both expressed our wants and laid out ground rules of what we needed for each of us to feel secure. Like my own foray into dating, there would be some stumbles as we worked out the kinks. When we finally found a guy we both were interested in and who was interested in us both, the evening spent together was electrifying. I could give you a play by play that would leave you sweating, but this isn’t that kind of blog. Suffice it to say we were drenched in sweat ourselves.

The next year would see the start of a new chapter in our lives. Over the course of this phase we would test the waters and boundaries we had established. As we grew more comfortable, we’d open up a little more and try something new. Keep in mind at this point we were only open & not polyamorous. For those who may not understand the difference here. While “open” allows for varying degrees of physical intimacy, it does not necessarily allow for emotional intimacy or relationships. The guys we invited into our bed were only there for one reason. Least that was how it started.

As the dust settled and we began filling up our shared calendar (for you couples out there this is a must to keep from double booking, luckily that time it worked out in everyone’s favor and our bed was big enough) certain guys started to become constant fixtures in that schedule. The occurrence highlighted an important element of being open. These weren’t just phone numbers or grindr profiles, these were real people we were talking to. Turned out, some of them, we actually shared mutual interests and enjoyed bonding with, in and out of the bedroom. Which brought up an even bigger question. Were we worried about becoming *too* attached to other guys? What would happen if we fell in love with another guy? The answer we came up with…we’d see when we get there…

We were traveling in Japan when we met the Tokyoite. We met him in a Yamachan, over delicious chicken wings and cold red wine. The wine was terrible, but the company was superb. Over the course of our vacation we’d meet up with the Tokyoite three more times. We parted with a promise that our door would be open to him should he ever make it state-side, which he did several times over the next few years.

The Tokyoite was the first, but not the last. Over time there would be other relationships that would blossom to have an outsized influence on the Fiance and I (Yay! We got an upgrade!). Each at different stages & all happening at once. Suddenly what had once been conjecture had become reality. We were faced with a difficult question. What do we do when the structure of our agreement no longer aligned with the relationships they were designed to support?

The answer was simple, though it took several conversations to get there. We needed a new framework that would better meet our needs. Neither of us wanted to secede the relationships we had worked so hard to build by this point. We had both found love, or were on our way to finding it. We had built a network of friends and lovers that had added a whole new (and welcome) dimension to our life. Neither of us denied that, in fact we loved it, We were building a family of our choosing and it felt right. With that belief held firmly in mind, we decided it was time to accept our relationship for what we had built it to be, a polyamorous one. Finally. We had a framework that fit out needs & allowed us to continue growing.

The Boys in Town