The Boys in Town

Happiness, heart breaks, & a whole mess of spelling errors

Author: Poly Guy 1 (Page 1 of 3)

Worst First Date: Handshakes…not Jobs

June 13, 2022 /

Maybe not the worst, but probably the most embarrassing, was my first boyfriend.  I was too terrified to ask him on a date, but I did manage to pluck up the courage to invite him to dinner, which he of course interpreted as a date.  

I picked him promptly up at 8:00 pm. While he wasn’t dressed to the nines, you could tell he’d clearly put in the effort to look nice, did his hair, showered. I wish I could say I reciprocated his efforts and took him somewhere worthy of the effort, like an olive garden or an outback, but I did no such thing.  Instead having immediately realized that he knew we were on a date, I did what any logical person would do…I panicked and took him through the local Wendy’s drive thru. 

The confusion was written clearly across his face as he watched me order a combo with a frosty before turning to him and clumsily asking for his order. I wish I could say it got better from there.  

As we drove back to campus, he offered up his room.  Seemed like he was willing to overlook my faux pas in exchange for an opportunity to spend time alone. For a moment the date seemed salvaged. 

Walking in from the parking lot (we both lived in the same dorms), we were waiting for the elevators when I heard our names from behind us.  Turning around we see our mutual friends sitting in the common area.  I wish I could tell you I waved back at them and then we hopped on the elevator, but the last time anyone had summoned a genie from a bottle had been a pop-star from my childhood.

No. I did the opposite of a good idea, I waved back. Then offered for us to join our friends. Why, do you ask? Because I panicked.  Is that a good reason? No, but the tracks had been ripped up and this soon-to-be train-wreck was running full steam ahead.  

Now, you might think, my date would have swooped in and saved us from a group dinner.  However, he was so confused, at that point, by the mixed signals I was sending, he simply resigned himself to a flat soda and soggy fries shared among our friends. God bless him. 


I will not regale you with the remainder of that night, but suffice it to say, that first date ended as only bad dates can…

As we stood outside my door, still determined to salvage even the smallest piece of our night, he leaned in for a kiss. It was clear then he thought there was still a spark. Even though I had done everything I could to stamp it out. And I, mustering all the panic I could find, offered him a handshake in return.

-Always in Love, Poly Guy 1

Gay Dating Apps: Looking for Fun?

March 28, 2021 /

I came to the app scene very late in the game.  I’ve never had a tinder profile & only know of the other dating apps from friends and acquaintances.  While this sounds like bragging, the truth is, when I entered the gay dating scene, OkCupid, as a website, was still one of the predominant ways to meet guys.  Rather my intent here is to set the stage for what my experience with Grindr has been like in the past, and how it’s colored my view of these apps & hook-up culture in the gay community. 

 My very first grindr profile was a joint account with my fiance, seven, maybe eight years, into our relationship.  At that point neither of us was looking to date or find new boyfriends.  As can be imagined this made for a very different experience than a single individual would experience on the app. 

Logging on as a paired couple, in some ways,  made hook-ups & chatting with guys easier.  We weren’t there looking for partners or long term commitments.  We were on there for more ephemeral & light hearted, well, hook-ups.  Whenever we chatted with a guy, we were always up front, our profile even stated it, “couple looking for NSA fun”.  For those that were interested, we often discovered it was an arrangement that was highly successful, it satiated the needs of both parties, without the concern for romantic entanglement or deeper commitments.  In short we had fun & the guys we met did too. 

Those early days of hooking up were quite exhilarating.  I enjoyed the conversations, the photos exchanged, & the eventual meet-ups. I mean what’s not to love if you’re horny & looking for sex? Also as someone who had engaged with a grand total of three sexual partners up until this point in his life, it was opening up an entirely new side of me I hadn’t ever explored.  I felt like I was discovering new things all the time.  I learned that sex was something to be enjoyed, not coveted & secreted away.  Through those hook-ups and encounters I learned to be more comfortable with sex and talking about it. 

Lest I be judged for viewing hook-up apps through rose colored glass, I’m not so naïve as to believe the culture is without it’s dark-side & toxicity.  I know, as I/We experienced it on numerous occasions.  I’ve also spoken with a number of my friends & acquaintances about their own experiences.  There is plenty of petty cruelness and deception to go around.  Any gay guy will tell you how quick individuals in our own community can be to tear another down, even when we so often preach unity and support. To say there is some serious work to be done, is an understatement.

From the perspective of an individual closeted most of his life, to come to find a culture when sex was celebrated & openly enjoyed, it was a breathe of fresh air & a definite release. I’m lucky in how I came to be introduced to the culture, in an environment where I wasn’t alone & we had clear boundaries & guidelines.

Simply Put: The Importance of Representation

January 17, 2021 /

When I was younger I never really cried at movies.  My stepmother on the other hand bawled like a baby all the time. One movie in particular, Stepmom, she cried so hard we had to stop the movie till she could regain her composure.  Now I will say my stepmother is someone who is very in touch with her emotions, however, there was another element in play. The ability to relate and connect to the main character in a very real and personal way.

I never put much thought to it honestly, growing up, why I never cried at movies, I just figured I was one of those people who didn’t.  Turns out it was a combination of being young and inexperienced, paired with a lack meaningful gay representation.  

I was once again reminded of how powerful and moving representation can be recently while lying on the living room floor with my boyfriend, watching music videos.  As we laid there enjoying each other’s company, he put on Symphony by Clean Bandit.  It was a song I was very familiar with and had listened to on repeat on many occasions.  At that moment though I had never actually seen the accompanying music video.  

At first I didn’t understand what I was watching, but as the song and story unfolded, I realized it was a gay love story. At times tragic, and heart breaking, but with a building and uplifting crescendo that kept me mesmerized till the end when it culminated a celebration of love.  By then I was in tears. It was touching, it was meaningful, & it was very, very, relatable. 

I could see myself in the protagonist. I could understand the journey he was taking & what it meant to him.  I loved it so much.  

The beauty of the story was its simplicity.  It was about two people, two men, in love & the love they shared. That’s it.  There wasn’t a social justice context.  They weren’t fighting the world at large to prove they had a right to “be”.  They just…were.  While we need the former, it bears repeating we need the latter as well.  Processing emotions is hard enough without having to constantly be reminded we must fight the world at large as well.

Seeing yourself represented in stories, in music, in the media, it reminds you, you’re not alone.  That you’re connected to the rest of the world by mutual experiences. Stories are how we learn to understand and make sense of the world. That is why representation is so important. It provides an individual the opportunity to see themselves reflected.  

I understand now why my stepmother was so moved by that movie.  It took me many years and a little bit of growing up, but I get it now.  When you can relate to the characters and stories, you can see yourselves in them & empathize with their emotions, because you’ve felt those very same feelings yourself. It’s powerful. To be able to understand not only the joys & the laughs, but the pain and sorrow too.  It’s a reminder that we’re human. 

-Always in Love, Poly Guy 1

Happy Polydays! Flaws and all!

December 31, 2020 /

My co-conspirator could have not have said it any better.  This year has been an adventure.  Writing this blog & slowly dipping our toes into the world of poly at large.  It is one thing to experience at the individual level & another to engage others and hear their stories and perspectives.  In a year of cascading and downward trending notes, this blog has been a high note. As we close out this year and the polydays we’ll leave you with this last post & look towards an exciting new year.  

When my partner and I first started opening up our relationship, we created a joint account on, well, a number of apps honestly.  A majority of the responses were par for the course, introductions, the usual questions, maybe an encounter or maybe ghosting. Sounds terrible, but one does become a bit inoculated after a while. Also we actually did meet a number of really amazing guys.  Some were bright passionate sparks who evaporated as quickly as they appeared.  Others are still around in some capacity or another & are individuals I consider dear friends.  Regardless their duration they have left behind (or continue to create) fond memories . 

     In the midst of all that though. There were, & remain, a few interactions that stand-out as a shining example of how truly ugly and vain, society, gay culture specifically in this case, can be.  On two separate occasions I can recall opening the app to find we had a message from someone who messaged us for the sole purpose of criticising our looks.  I don’t remember the specific language, but I do remember the shock of reading the message.  The casual cruelty online anonymity so easily provides a platform for, while it comes as no shock to anyone, it was the first time it had ever been directed at me personally. The feelings the messages brought up were ones of confusion & mostly surprise, and throw in a tinge of anger & offense of course. 

I would soon learn we were one the lucky ones. Where we had received the rare vitriol filled message, others of my friends were bombarded constantly by such messages.  People I knew to be incredible individuals and beautiful all-around. It broke my heart and angered me all at the same time.  Some of them weathered it and let it roll off their back, but others took each and every comment to heart.  Regardless the reaction it was clear it took a toll on everyone of them & how could it not?  We all have insecurities.  Regardless the direction the attack comes from, it plays right into our fears & only seems to reinforce something we already believe about ourselves, even when it’s untrue.

     Each time I received those messages I deleted them.  The thought crossed my mind to respond, to provide some retort, but the truth was, nothing I would say would change their response & did it matter?  Instead I blocked the profile, deleted the message, and moved on.  I clearly think about it from time to time, how can I not?  It was so casually cruel for no other reason than to inflict pain.  

So what exactly is the lesson here? Why do I bother bringing up a seemingly miserable experience when I should be trending towards a high note & uplifting your spirits?  For starters, to remind people, and I cannot stress this enough, don’t be a dick.  It’s really that simple. Just don’t do it.  Outside of this sage bit of advice however, I bring it up because, while yes cruelty does happen (painfully too often) so can beauty and caring.  The important voices, the ones that mattered, were the ones that loved us, supported us, & lifted us up.  They loved us, for being us, flaws and all, which is a wonderful feeling.    
Body image is an interesting thing.  There are fewer things we, as human beings, are more critical of than our own skin.  Fear of gaining too much weight, losing hair, a crooked smile, or a second toe that is longer than the big toe.  These are just a few of my own foibles, but the list is as endless and as varied, as there are individuals on this Earth. The number of times I’ve looked in a mirror and found a flaw in the reflection is beyond counting. The truth however is I should learn to be far less critical than I am, not an easy task, but the alternative is eating away at my own self-confidence & shaming myself for being what no one else can be, myself.  

The Drifting Tides: A Metaphor for Reconnecting

November 16, 2020 /

People & relationships in my life ebb & flow.  One moment it feels as if they will always be by my side & always have been.  The next the tides of time and commitments have pulled us apart.  Sometimes dramatically as if yanked away by a roaring riptide & yet other times almost without notice.  As if we’re both coasting along the same current, but somewhere along the way the currents veered and we begin drifting further and further apart. Regardless of the manner in which it occur, just because we drifted apart, does not mean we won’t wend our way back together some time in the future.

There are those relationships that drift apart & people become estranged.  That is another topic entirely, which for now we’ll set aside. There are other relationships, where for one reason or another one party is unable to commit as much time or attention & over time, for a period of time the engagement tapers off.  It can be for any number of reasons, health, a career, family, a pandemic.  Sometimes we all need a moment to realign our focus on immediate priorities.  A chance to bring equilibrium back to our lives when one area takes a nose dive off the deep end.     

This pandemic has presented a very clear example of this. At the risk of sounding overly dramatic.  My social network has crumbled over the course of this pandemic. There are a few relationships I have maintained & even one or two I’ve built brand new. These I am eternally grateful for. There are quite a few, however, including those previously noted that have suffered over the course of these past few months. Like everyone, at one point or another my emotional & social resources have been drained.  The effect, of course, is that my world gets a little bit smaller. Does it mean I don’t care for all the individuals I used to talk to, that I don’t any longer or maybe less frequently?  Far from it, it pains me that I’m not able to keep up with everyone.  

As I mentioned in the beginning though, the people in our life ebb & flow. This time is not any different, in that regard.  When we emerge from this pandemic and the world begins to open again, as my energy sources are replenished, I will begin to reach out again.  I’ll begin to rebuild those connections again.  There’s no guarantee for reciprocity, but I do hope the bonds that I have built before this chaos, will be strong enough to weather the storm. What I hope to find is the person I knew before and to hear how they’ve grown and what they’ve experienced in the interim.  It will be a chance to bond over shared, but separate experiences.  Maybe we’ll laugh, we’ll no doubt shed a tear or two, but at the end of the day, the relationship will be stronger for it.


This pandemic is an extreme & tragic example of a life event. The truth of the matter is we can drift apart as easily for a positive reason as a negative one. A child’s birth, a new spouse, a new job. Sometimes we need a moment to focus on what is in front of us. Sometimes we need a chance to venture out and grow on our own. Sometimes we get to be part of that person’s journey and share in the grief or the joy it brings, other times maybe not.  In the instances where, we can’t be part of the journey, in the relationships that matter, take solace in the tides, they ebb and flow. In time those people you care about and who care about you will find their way back or vice versa. The time will come when you once again drift on the same currents.    

-Always in Love & Always Adrift, Poly Guy 1

The Quest for Eggnog: Holiday Traditions Old & New

November 8, 2020 /

If one were to venture back into the annals of our instagram feed, one would find a photograph of a snow globe with the inscription “The Best Little Whore House in Campbell”. It’s a piece of christmas decoration my Grandmother would take pride in knowing I own, though the inscription would most certainly make her blush.  Who knows however, maybe she’d catch on to my little joke.  The Best Little Whore House in Texas, is one of her favorite musicals after all and there’s no reason such a moniker can’t host more than one meaning.    

Holiday traditions have always been a big affair in my household, even growing up.  I was blessed with two of every holiday, thanksgiving, christmas, new years.  I was also blessed with divorced parents.  From the outside it may have seemed strange, I was certainly one of the few families I knew who were divorced in my circle of friends, but with a few bumps along the way, we made it work.  What has come of it all these years later is a blended family with blended traditions. 

So, what does a blushing grandmother & a divorced family with blended holiday traditions have to do with what you’re buying your paramours this holiday season one may ask? The answer is quite a bit.  Holidays can be stressful, and while I personally look forward to them with great adoration, I know for others they can be fraught with emotion & high levels of duress. Now on top of your crazy family, throw in a few paramours & lovers with their own conflicting expectations, and suddenly your white christmas may be washed red with wine, simply to save you from going insane.      

When I was a child I was determined that once I was a grown adult I would not have two of every holiday, nor would my children when visiting their grandparents.  My parents would have to settle their differences or go without.  To this day my sister and I love to sit back and laugh about this.  Truth is, no one wants my parents in the same room together, it’s simply not a good fit and no one would enjoy themselves. And so, we have two Christmases, and two Thanksgivings, & separate new years, but you know what that’s ok.  It works for our family.  Sure we don’t necessarily get to celebrate on the day of, but what you come to realize is it doesn’t matter.  The date isn’t what is important, it’s the time you spend together when you do celebrate, whenever that is.  As I’ve grown older this adage has only become more true, now there are friends we want to see for the holidays, my fiance’s/boyfriend’s own families, and even some private time for ourselves. It’s a wonderful problem to have, a multitude of loved ones to want to spend cherished time with.

Again I can see how this could be stressful.  I could see how some might feel jilted or left out or neglected.  Communication & coordination as always are key.  This year, in the world of this pandemic, I will sadly not get to see my family, though I miss them immensely.  However I will get to spend it cozied up at our (new) home in front of our (new) fireplace with both my fiance and our boyfriends.  Then when this is all over, or maybe next year we will find the opportunity to celebrate with our families & friends as well. Is it ideal? No, but we’ve adapted to make the most of it. While this is an extreme case, being adaptable & flexible goes a long way to having a happy & stress free holiday any year.  

Long before I came out as poly, I came out as gay.  Most of my family was accepting, but there were a few small hiccups here and there with a few members.  This caused me some stress in those early years, and because of it there were a few holiday dinners I opted to excuse myself from.  As I said earlier, holidays are a big deal for me & so is family, which made the choice all the more harder, but at the time was the right one.  Instead of lamenting about what was lost I took the opportunity to throw a friendsgiving and invite others over for our own celebration. It will remain one of my fondest holiday memories.  Over the years those hiccups with the family have been smoothed out and we have been able to recapture those family celebrations I’ve missed. 

That doesn’t mean the friendsgiving or holiday parties have stopped now that we spend time with the family again.  No it just means we have a busier holiday calendar.  The celebrations have morphed over time, expanded & contracted as relationships ebb and flow, rather than adhering to a strict tradition we’ve allowed the celebrations to morph as they need. The general outline remains the same, dinner, baking, wine, gift giving, houses full of people put the script is ever changing. 

It was last year after one such warm and gleeful evening that I purchased that snow globe.  I’m a sucker for christmas decorations as it were, and in the afterglow of the celebration the Best Little Whore House we created in Campbell only seemed fitting.  This isn’t a typical post about poly and navigating its waters, this is a post about the holidays and making the most of them.  You’ve spent the whole year trying to grow & nurture those relationships and those people who are important to you.  Take the next few weeks to simply be with them & celebrate that love and be happy.  God knows we could all use a little bit of that this year.   

-Always in love & wool socks for the cold weather,

Poly Guy 1

Shakespeare in Love: The Import of Nicknames

September 14, 2020 /

I’ve had an infatuation with nicknames since I was young, it started with watching TV shows and watching animated groups of kids referring to each by code names they had created together.  That infatuation has carried over into my adult life.  A number of people in my life have one.  It is rarely something that can be forced.  More something that occurs over time, inspired often by the relationship itself and the experiences that define it.

I call my Fiance, Handsome, because one day it occurred to me I didn’t tell him he was near as much as I thought I should.  If I always referred to him as such, then he would be constantly reminded.  My co-conspirator I refer to as Mama Bear, because on more than one occasion, I have traipsed behind this individual through a dark and crowded dance floor as he attends to the others in the group.  Regardless if he’s one or four drinks in, he always has tabs on the others, an admirable quality.  My boyfriend I refer to as Jellybean & he refers to me as Skittlez.  On my phone is a photo folder called the Mars Bars Candy Co, in which we share photos.  Why we refer to each other by such names.  I can’t even begin to tell you.  I have not the slightest clue where they come from; they just seem to fit us. I could list a dozen others that have come and gone over time.  Sunshine, Bug, Tater-Tot, Tim Tam, Boo Boo, Dude, Whitey Wack, Hubs, Friend….Each one of these nicknames is tied to a person, a time, a place, & a well of emotions & memories.  Some of them were mine and some of them belonged to the other individual.

For myself, I’ve always enjoyed the uniqueness these nicknames imbue. Again I’ve never tried to force a nickname.  Those times I have, it has almost always failed and, in fact, felt forced.  When they happen organically over time, sometimes, I don’t even realize they’ve manifested. Then I will refer to that person by their nickname when speaking to an outside individual and in return get a confused look.  To those outside of the dynamic these nicknames hold no symbolism or meaning. They may be seen as cute or cheesy, but some descriptors fail to capture the depth and meaning built into these nicknames.  

Nicknames are a manifestation of who that person is to me and the bond we’ve developed.  That connection is something that can only be developed over time, which is not to say the duration must be long, but meaningful and/or impactful. Each nickname is unique, they’re often only applicable & usable by those with-in the relationship. If that were ever unclear, try calling someone by a nickname you know they go by, but you don’t use for them yourself.  Chances are it will feel odd on your tongue.

In the end nicknames are a way for me to express my affection and to build a connection with others.  To me the vocabulary makes sense.  I know for others, nicknames don’t hold as large an import.  And that’s ok. The important lesson here is that we find ways to express our affection that is true to who we are.   

-Always in Love, Poly Guy 1

Happy Pride, Albeit Belated

July 2, 2020 /

Happy Pride everyone.  As many of you have no doubt experienced in SF, it was a very different kind of Pride today than one has come to associate with such a joyous celebration. For obvious (and valid) reasons, people have had no choice but to find new and creative ways to participate this year.   

In my tenure in San Francisco, I’ve walked in, I think two parades. Of those two parades and the numerous block parties at City Hall afterwards, there are a few things I remember. For starters the sheer volume and energy that coalesces in one place cannot be understated.  The cast of characters is beyond imaginable, shapes sizes, age, dress, gender, all walks were celebrated. Scaling back even further however, to an even more personal level than all of that.  What I remember is, it is one of the few times my fiance has felt/feels comfortable enough to hold my hand in public and do it without caution or hesitation, but instead with confidence.  I cannot begin to express how satisfying and warming it is to see him, just breathe and let go of the constant burden he carries. 

I will not lament here on the unfairness of it all, that such a simple act represents a monumental moment. That I assure you cannot be understated. Yet, Pride is just as much about fighting the fight, as it is about celebrating life and who we are.  There is a silver lining to every cloud. For Pride it’s that I get an opportunity to see those around me express themselves in ways that they might not feel comfortable doing, whether from a (real) fear of retribution or from nervousness or shyness.  The power that is Pride to embolden individuals to find their voice, speak their truths, and be comfortable in their own skin has no comparison.  It’s a chance to show the world that what you see in yourself, what you know to be true, is normal & has a place in this world. I get to see that when I see my partner stand tall and smile at the crowds as he walks with me.  There’s pride (no pun intended) in his stance, that’s not always there in the day today or maybe a etter way to say it.  Is it gets magnified and unburied in moments like these.   

Less the world thinks my fiance as someone who is wholly a beaten and battered-down individual.  The truth is, maybe a little at times.  The other truth is, for many of us, that’s also true too.  If someone were to unfold our lives they would find a patchwork quilt.  A collection of beautiful moments & memories, but among the patchwork there would be scars.  Odd stitchings where we had to put ourselves back together.  Holes where we couldn’t.  That is the price many of us must pay for being true to who we are.

Life is not fair, we should not have to fight so hard to be seen or heard or demand to be treated as normal.  Life however is never fair, but we will fight on and celebrate anyways.  Pride is a reminder of that.  Pride is a reminder that it doesn’t always have to be an uphill battle, that it’s ok to just be you, but that when you need to fight the fight, you won’t be doing it alone, not by a long shot.  Pride is a reminder of the future I want to have, where I can hold my fiance’s hand in public and not have him feel afraid.

Creative solutions or full-scale parades, it matters not.  The important part is we celebrate the occasion, as a day for us & for the ideals Pride embodies.

How poly has changed your view on relationships: Into the Unknown

June 3, 2020 /

Being poly has only shone a brighter light on that which I had already known to be true.  I have to work at relationships.  I have to communicate and commit and be open to hearing that maybe my way isn’t always the right way (I had a great example of this one very fine morning as I sipped some coffee that my boy-friend tried very hard to persuade me not to buy).  

As I settle more and more into the lifestyle I have chosen to maintain.  I’ve had the time to experience more within the realms of my own relationships and also had the opportunity to reflect on those experiences. In this small window that I’ve had (Keeping in mind my journey, I would argue, is still its infancy at less than 5 years), there are a few things that have stood out to me.  Some are positive, some negative, but all valuable.  Let’s take a moment to look at a few of these now.

Perhaps one of my favorite revelations is that falling in love can happen more than once and concurrently without detriment to those relationships that are existing.  We’ve talked about this subject here before.  It starts with a spark and rolls into new relationship energy, where it goes from there is anyone’s guess. Sometimes it ends up in a new relationship, other times a solid friendship, and in others still a passionate one time fling.  That journey is exciting to me. What this revelation has done for me is allow me to process those emotions without feeling as if I’m somehow cheating my existing relationships or putting them in jeopardy.  

In past monogamous relationships that is something I have dealt with, where I’ve brushed-up against or crossed-paths with an individual, who for whatever reason or another, draws me to them like a magnet.  It can be scary in those situations! There was a pull to understand that magnetism and it was conflicted by a fear that in doing so, it somehow spelt doom for my current relationship.  What a poly dynamic does allows you to do, however, is to explore those feelings in a safe and understanding environment.  The environment takes away this notion that somehow you’re seeking out some forbidden or poisoned fruit and instead normalizes what are very common human emotions and responses.

Moving on to the second part of that revelation, the idea that falling is love is not a linear process.  Falling in love with my boyfriend did not mean I was falling-out of love with my finance’. All the change meant was, I had another person to love.  New relationships can be seen as a threat because they can shake up the status quo.  Which is probably the biggest fear for me. It is in essence, the uncertainty it can bring to a relationship. However, it does not mean someone is loved any less, simply that adjustments might need to be made in our schedules and feelings, which should be discussed anyways, take a front seat in these discussions. That statement is also not isolated to new relationships exclusively.  The same could be said of many changes, a new career, a new hobby, growing a family…..Change happens in a variety of forms and with it uncertainty.        

Being Poly has taught me to be ok with the unknown in a relationship, and if not ok, at least not to run away scared.  There is a lot to unpack in opening oneself up to multiple relationships, however many someone chooses to maintain. Two, three, ten (lord save that individual).  The scary part is, many of us, myself included, can feel like we’re wading into uncharted territory.  We don’t get a dearth of self-help books to walk us through every aspect of our relationships. Instead we have a, we’ll call it budding, reservoir of knowledge that is slowly trickling into mainstream.  Until then, we don’t get to look at the couple next store and say hey! Look it worked for them, we can figure it out too! We get to scratch our head and go well fuck. Now what do we do?

I’ve had partner’s look at me for answers and all I can say is I don’t know. That’s scary! But also exciting! But scary! We have to forge our own path in a lot of ways, and trust in those we love that we’re heading in the same direction. Or at least one of us is leaving a trail of crumbs for the other to find when they get lost. Learning that it’s ok not to have all the answers can be as liberating as it is terrifying.  It takes the pressure off of any one individual and makes it the responsibility of the whole to work out a solution.  Everyone gets to feel as if they’re collectively building towards a better…something. 

Poly has taught me a few new tricks, but what it’s really done is shown me that if I want my relationship(s) to shine I have to put in the work. That the end result is worth the effort. Because the fact of the matter is you will, by choice or by force, have to make a decision and work towards it or accept it.  Wouldn’t you rather be at the table helping when you can?  

-Always in Love, Poly Guy 1

Happy Poly Moments: Seaside Memories in Atami

May 18, 2020 /

In the journey of discovering poly I’ve experienced many peaks and valleys.  For some this process of construction and deconstruction and reconstruction could seem exhausting. For myself, it’s been a journey worth undertaking.  For all the heartbreaks I carry, there are twice as many cherished memories. Even if some of those memories can be bittersweet.  The beautiful individuals who helped me create them have left an indelible mark on my life, largely for the better, that I’d rather not forget.   One such individual is the Tokyoite, and one such memory, was a seaside trip to a small Japanese city called Atami.

As some of our readers know, early on in my poly journey, one of the first individuals I met was the Tokyoite.  He was the first guy I fell in love with after my Fiance and I had opened our relationship. He & I were also separated by an ocean.  He lived in Tokyo and I lived in San Francisco.  During our time together, I’d had only two chances to visit him in Tokyo.  The first time was when we met initially.  The second time was when we were there for one of my Fiance’s business trips. 

That second time was when the Tokyoite and I had the opportunity to go to Atami. Just the two of us.  For two days and one night we had the opportunity to spend time together, alone and hand-in-hand. 

 We took the bullet train from Tokyo and arrived in the early afternoon to Atami. The first thing we did upon arrival was to find our hotel.  The hotel turned out to be nestled up a hill-side following a few very sharp and harrowing switch-backs.  The pay-off however was a stunning view of the surrounding bay from our private balcony, which also came with its own private little onsen.  The tokyoite had made all the arrangements, unbeknownst to me, and I loved it.  

After dropping off our bags, we promptly left the hotel to traverse back into town.  It wasn’t a big town mind you.  We could probably have walked end to end in about 45 min.  Perfect for two lovebirds, wandering hand in hand, lost in each other’s company. 

The first stop we made was at KiunKaku, a historical inn. We learned the area had once been known as a destination for newlyweds with the hotel at its center.  Even with the rain pattering down around us we could see why. The hotel was serene.  We took our time wandering through the low slung rooms, admiring how each view into the garden was curated and picturesque. 

Following our self-guided tour we’d ended up at a small family-owned restaurant to try the locally harvested seafood.  I’m not always the most adventurous of eaters, but this time, I took a leap and tried to be.  While some of the texture were, unique, I found the dish to be overall enjoyable.  

After lunch we decide to tackle the second of the tourist attractions in the town, Atami Castle.  From afar it looks rather imperious, but we had been warned the whole thing was a campy tourist trap.  It did not disappoint.  It was campy, cheesy, and the two of us had a blast partaking in all the gimmicks the castle had to offer! 

Late in the day while exploring Atami castle, we discovered a welcome surprise on its 5th floor balcony.  For a hundred yen we could rent a towel and soak our tired feet in the little heated foot bath while we watched the sunset over the ocean and the mountains in the distance.  We ended up sitting there for a spell.  It was peaceful and perfect, and just the two of us.  When we’d spent the majority of our relationship apart, we had quickly come to cherish those intimate moments whenever and however they manifested.  

The next morning we spent the time basking in each other’s company before having to check-out.  Seeing as our train back to Tokyo wasn’t until later in the afternoon we spent the day exploring the other half of Atami.  We saw the cherry blossoms, walked through the incredible MOA Museum of Art, and sampled all manner of street foods for lunch.  Before we left the Atami we’d find ourselves once again soaking our tired feet in another, different, heated foot bath outside the train station.  On our ride back to Tokyo that afternoon I remember he had his head nestled on my arm, while I watched the scenery blur by, reflecting on the past few days. With one very unfortunate exception it had been a perfect trip.

I didn’t know it then, but Atami would be one of the last memories we’d share together.  The future would hold some rough roads and hard choices for us, but in that moment, on that train, I was happy.  We had done what up until then we’d thought impossible. A private getaway for the two of us. Atami had been exhilarating, exciting, and at times heartbreaking.  I wish the last part didn’t have to be true.  Unfortunately life is not always the hallmark movie we wish it to be.  I cannot say how the Tokyoite views that trip today, though I do talk to him from time to time, but for me, with one exception, it remains one of my fondest memories.  One I am very happy and thankful I was able to share with him.  

-Always in Love, Poly Guy 1

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