Hello Friends, welcome back. This week we’ll be talking about those fun little rules discussed between you and your partner(s). This is especially fun topic for me because I am not one for confrontation.
So, let’s begin, shall we? As discussed in a previous post, my partner and I opened our relationship right before my 9-month study abroad session. As young, highly sexually-active guys, we ultimately agreed that open was the best route for the months ahead. I was uneducated on rules when we first became open. Some of our basic rules and conduct included: no exes, don’t ask/don’t tell. To be honest, I can’t remember anything more than that. Did it work?… Sort of. It wasn’t the easiest, but it was what we decided on. During my stay, I had an old iPhone with no cell data which made using Grindr extremely difficult to hook up with guys. As a result, I saw two guys, occasionally, to hook up, chat, and watch RuPaul. I’d thought that there was no re-negotiation with these rules. It led me to not ask the questions or try to amendment to our rules. I thought it was fine. After all it was only 9 months and then it’d be done, so I thought.
Prior to my return, we discussed about closing our relationship. When I moved back in that wasn’t the case. In reality, my time abroad altered my view on life and aspirations. I felt so far behind my classmates and professional goals, which lead to drop in sex-drive. This led to another conversation that dealt with our relationship, wants/needs, and goals. We continued our open endeavor, still not asking or sharing our sex-capades with one another.
Then we then experienced with have a third person over every now and then. We’d enjoy their company. This seemed like a suitable solution for us. It satisfied our sexual and intimacy needs without having to schedule time outside of my studying or prior engagements. As we shifted into this new dynamic, we had to have another conversation about the rules moving forward. The rules in place never discussed what to do if we both date the same person. So, we talked and new rules were made.
Since exploring poly, our rules have shifted. What worked back then certainly doesn’t work now. We are two different people with different standards. Sounds simple right? Guess again. After 5 years together, we’ve learned that we do have different needs from one another. I haven’t the most honest person when it comes to my partner and had miscommunication issues.
Our most recent revamp of rules and boundaries includes:
- Honesty
- Open Communication
- Kind & Considerate
Honesty. When we talk about honesty, we’re talking about being completely honest with the other. In the past, I would lie by omission or tell my partner a half-truth to hide something. It was a defense mechanism on my part because there was so much to argue about and felt that wasn’t worth our time. Granted it always led into a larger conversation down the road. I lied often to defer confrontation, rush him out of the house, or didn’t have the capacity for another argument. The type of honesty we talk about are full truths with no fluff and that is something I have to work on.
Open. Easier said than done sometimes. It’s easy to have open communication when you feel like the other person is going to support you in whatever decision or thing you have to say. A part of me had struggled for a bit because there was a time where it felt as though everything I had to say was being rejected or pushed aside. Open communication is key in any relationship, poly or not, and is a cornerstone for trust. Just as they said it in one of my all-time favorite movies, Moulin Rouge, “Without trust, there can be no love.” By not having open communication when we first went poly did erode some of the trust and as many may know it’s a bish to gain trust again.
Kind & Considerate. These two rules are grouped together because as I outlined in the previous two, these are emotions I didn’t registered when I did lie or hide something from my partner. These are rules that I didn’t think about when I’d blurt out an offensive judgement or an actual truth. Through my Anne Hathaway-like job in The Devil Wears Prada, I have acquired some unsavory remarks and tone from my boss. I need to not be rash and always say the first thing that comes to mind. It’s unfiltered, uncensored and just not very nice. This is why these are very important to our rules of being poly.
We are still young in our poly experience and would love to hear from you about what rules or boundaries that work or don’t in your relationship. So comment below.
– Your Friendly Poly Guy 2
