Lesson Number 1 when coming out to family. Always check your text messages before you send. Your sister will not appreciate the play by play of your one night stand and your mother will be very confused why your boyfriend is coming to the Fourth of July BBQ & your fiance is not. Luckily I was blessed with an incredibly open-minded and welcoming mother & sibling. While at first my mistakes came off as blatant errors and a clear indication of cheating, both gave me the opportunity to explain myself and our new relationship structure. That is not to say the understand or get it themselves, but they know it makes me happy and that is enough for them.
To be honest I’m not sure I would have come out to them, or maybe just not as early as I did, had I not goofed and spilled the beans. That being said I’m glad I did, it makes talking about my life easier and lets me bring my family into my world. I have a close relationship with my family, particularly my mother & my sister, so being able to share more of my world is always better for me. That’s not to say I share the tawdry details, we do have some boundaries, but there are plenty of other aspects of polyamory that are not about sex worth speaking and gushing over. Things like, super secret christmas projects, designed specifically for your boyfriend that you keep promising to complete even though Christmas was essentially a month ago. I’m still working on it!!! But when its finished is will be amazing!
Family aside, I did make a concerted effort to tell a few co-workers and even my boss recently. Through blessed serendipity, my company has offices in both San Francisco & Sacramento. I like an hour south of San Francisco and my boyfriend (Jellybean) lives in Sacramento, two hours north of San Francisco. All told a three hour trip for either of us should we want to visit, not a casual visit. These days however, have laptop, will travel. Architecture however is not completely without the need for an office space, so the fact that my company has that Sacramento office is like I said, serendipity. It allows me to spend extra time with Jellybean without eating into my limited vacation time. Also, its nice to be able to spend time with loved ones in the normal course of your day, to have them involved.
Thus came the crux of the matter. I probably could have made up some excuse for wanting to be up in Sacramento, but I’m terrible at keeping secrets, and as I’ve mentioned previously, no one should have to be a secret. I wanted full disclosure, with my boss at least, because my new schedule will put me in Sacramento with Jellybean for a week every two months, not an insubstantial amount of time.
You may be wondering how he took it and how I told him? The answer to the first is in good stride, though I’m not entirely sure he doesn’t believe I’m cheating on the Fiance. His response was, with a cordial smile, well your reasons are your own, and maybe we can just tell people you’re cat-sitting. I must admit at that point it was really hard for me to keep a straight face, his intent came from the heart, that I’m sure of. If I’d been presented with a scenario, outside the mainstream norm, I can’t say with absolute certainty it wouldn’t take me a moment to reorient myself. Sometimes people just need a bit of time to process, that much I believe individuals are entitled to. As to how I told him. I chose to do it in private. First, while I’m open (trying to be), my life is not to be fodder for the office tabloids. Second, it gave the two of us a chance to have a conversation and him to ask any questions, should he have any, without an audience. Moral of the story, we left the room happy He with, what I’m sure would be a dinner conversation with his wife later, and me a guaranteed week with Jellybean for the foreseeable future.
Everyone’s mileage will vary on this topic, I know. I’m lucky in a lot of ways. I’m not here to make grand proposals and sweeping proclamations. Just here to say, from one normal gay poly guy to the next individual. The impossible is not as untenable as it may seem and sometimes, if you give them a chance, people may surprise you.
- Your chatty bed fellow, PG1
