Coming out, in any capacity, can be difficult due to various internal or external fears. For some, including myself, coming out was a transformative experience. It allowed me to be truly myself without the fear of people judging my every action, post, or view. Coming out as poly took a bit of a left-turn.
The past couple months, with the start of the blog and other life changes, I’ve told people, “I’m very transparent about my life to whoever wants to listen.” But this wasn’t always the case. When my partner (the Simulator) and I started dating the EDMer, I didn’t tell any of my friends or family because I was nervous. I didn’t know how’d they react, or say because my situation wasn’t common or something they’d have experience with. I didn’t have a clear and concise plan of how things would go. So I hid that part of my life for some time, I felt my friends or family didn’t need to know that part of my life. But the fact was I did need them to know. I started with my closest friends and then branched out to others.
The first relative I let in on everything was “Stubby.” She’s my closest cousin, both in age and in likability. As kids, we were the rambunctious, adventurous, food-playing type of youngsters at family events. It wasn’t till the end of one relationship that I revealed to her about my open and poly lifestyle.
Our families had gathered that day to go to a baseball game in tribute to our grandfather passing a couple years prior. Once we met up, we made our way to our seats, but not before we snagged some of the ballpark’s infamous margaritas.
After a couple sips, or gulps, I gave her the full rundown on my life for the last 6 months, which included going from open to poly. It was a lot to process because I hadn’t given her any of this information prior. Her reaction was formed into the following emotions: shocked, nervous, impressed, and curious.
Shocked: Polyamory was new to her, she didn’t know anyone that was in this type of relationship.
Nervous: With all this new information, she was worried that I was being pressured to do things I didn’t want to do. Looking back on it, her initial fear stemmed from an emotional aspect, there were so many more ways to get hurt in this type of lifestyle. She mentioned, “Monogamous relationships are already tricky, so adding another person’s wants, needs, past, and goals creates this whole new dynamic that seems like a lot to balance.”
Impressed: She recounts the way I described the relationships and the struggles were so factual. I was so honest with her and myself in the moment solidified that these were real, genuine, and long-term feelings. It was welcoming knowing she saw that this decision wasn’t, “just for fun,” or to get out of my current relationship. She also noted, “I had done a lot of reflection, identified the rough spots, and were thinking proactively on how to make everything work.”
Curious: Our entire conversation was contained over 9-innings of baseball and she had a million questions flying through her head. How does this all work? How do you manage your own emotions?!… But thank goodness the blog exists so we can cover some of these questions we both shared.
Another coming out involves, “The Poet,” he was sensitive, empathetic, and my second boyfriend. Coming out to him was unintentional. I had sent out Facebook requests, to various friends, to like our Facebook page and he was one of them. Most friends liked our page without question, but not him. He was always a curious one and used empathy to dissect any topic.
He reached out to me on Instagram to find out more about the blog. I saw his message, “Tbh I had a feeling monogamy wasn’t your jam :P.” While I chuckled, it also evoked curiosity to why he thought monogamy wasn’t my forte, so I asked.
His response:
One thing that stood out and makes sense now is when you look at your view of best friends and how easy it is for you to navigate what you need from each of them and still maintain a deep connection with each of them.
Another would be when we were in our relationship. Looking back on it now, what happened with The Accountant (also referred to as my first love) makes a lot of sense now. You are the type of person who wants to experience life and everything it has to offer. And you have the capacity to experience love and connection with more than just one primary person.
I mean from a monogamous narrative what happened with the accountant would be viewed as emotional cheating. And from poly narrative it was you seeking out a form of intimacy and connection that I wasn’t able to give you when we were together.
While things didn’t work out with the poet, I’m glad we were able to get to a point in which we can be cordial and have conversations.
These two examples of how coming out have helped me feel comfortable in my own way of living. Though they might have different views on life and love, they didn’t condon me for this life choice. I appreciate their openness and can only hope the same reaction from others who aren’t aware of this new life exploration. These are two positive examples of coming out but for some it could have an adverse effect and that’s for them to decide. You are you! As the great Theodor Seuss Geisel said, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
– Your Friendly Poly Guy 2
