Greetings All,
My apologies for the delay in uploading this post. I had fully intended to conceive this it prior to my vacation, but alas such was not the case. I did not however want to let this topic pass me by. It is one that is quite personal to me. Jellybean and I have been dating for a little over a year now. We share a monogamous/polyamorous relationship (I’ll let you guess who of us is which). It has been a very exciting relationship, but not without its struggles as well.
One of the reasons (aside from tropical sun) I’m delayed in writing this post is, I wanted an opportunity to incorporate my boyfriend’s views. His voices and views are very distinct from my own, and equally important to this conversation. Especially if we are to make our relationship work. Something we both very much want. When I had envisioned this post I had seen it in the style of Q & A. Slowly building from easy to more and more complex topics and conversation points. What I did not forsee, but soon learned was that I was woefully unprepared for the flood of emotions and fears it would bring to the surface for both of us.
When I started the Q & A that night. I started with the easy questions. How did we meet? When did he know he was in love? Why did he choose to pursue a relationship? How did he view our relationship? Easy questions, but important ones. It helped to establish a beginning, and, bonus, it made me feel fuzzy to hear him list the ways he loved me. As the night wore on we waded further into the history of our relationship.
One crucial moment in our history came when I admitted to falling in love with another guy and dating him. This was the turning point that night in the conversation, because that had been the first time we had come face to face with the poly aspect of my dating life. (I will not go into the specifics of that admission, but suffice it to say it was a hard night for both of us, with plenty of broken-hearts to go around.) Talking about this moment in our relationship was incredibly difficult for him. It brought up fears he’d been burying and forced us both to confront some possible harsh realities. There were tears that night and pain. While I wish I could say that we patched everything up and found a path forward that made us both happy, the truth is neither of us have a good answer even now. What we do know is we love each other, and that we want this to work. For now, that is enough. What I would like to share from that night, and what I think is important to take away from it, is the following:
1.) Communicate, communicate, communicate: Not just the I love you and the warm fuzzy parts, but the difficult parts as well. I promise neither of you is going to like it and it might be scary as hell. You may dig up some truths that shake the foundations of your relationship. That doesn’t mean the relationship will end. All that means is you’ll have to work through/with them. Bringing the uncomfortable parts to lights allows you to address them together, over time. Dialogue will help if not to overcome them, at least find ways to cope with them as people process their emotions and thoughts. Avoiding or concealing those aspects of your relationship will only allow them to fester in the shadows unchecked. A fate much worse. Making it harder to overcome those difficulties as now they’ve become entrenched. Not impossible, just harder.
That night the two of us talked while we were laying on the couch, he had asked quietly and with tears in eyes, what would happen if he could never accept that I was poly. Something I have expressed as an integral part of my identity. It was a difficult question. One I don’t have a quick answer to. On one side, here was an individual I loved heart and soul. On the other was an aspect of my life that allowed me to feel whole and nurture relationships that helped me thrive. The only response I could give him that night was ‘I don’t know’. I think that’s ok. I think we have to allow ourselves the opportunity and the time to figure things out along the way. To have faith that all parties are working with the same ultimate end goal in mind, even if they don’t have the answer at this moment. We don’t have the answer now, but we will get there. Do not get me wrong, this sounds easy on paper. In practice it can be gut-wrenching and terrifying. I left that night feeling completely drained and dejected. All I had wanted to do was comfort Jellybean and promise him everything would be ok, but in the end it wasn’t a promise I could make. I could only promise we would figure it out.
2.) Patience: If you’re going forward in a mono/poly relationship, understand people are operating from inherently different mental models. Finding a balance is going to take time. There is no set timeline for how long that might be either. For those of us who are are on the poly side. It may mean slowing up dating or taking on new partners. It will definitely mean checking in more often with you partner, talking with them, reassuring them. Give your partner the opportunity to breathe and process. We are not all wired the same way. We need the time and space to ask questions and talk things through. You may be super excited to introduce them to your world, but remember this is probably new to them, or at least different. They deserve the opportunity to process on their own terms. You most likely didn’t get to this point overnight. Neither will they.
I made the mistake of throwing my boyfriend into the deep end without so much as a lifeline. I freely, though not casually, admitted to loving someone else and dating them all in one breath. Further still this came after we had been dating for only several months. The admission was heart-breaking and earth-shattering all in one phone call. The anguish was palatable in his voice and he ended our relationship that night. Time and events would slowly brings us back together, but we did not escape without scars.
3.) Reassurance: Be sure to express your feelings and reinforce them. Check-in constantly to make sure everyone is on the same page. The experience of logic and emotion being at war is not uncommon. It’s easy enough to logically understand something, but completely different to experience and process a concept. For us on the poly-side it’s going to require finding ways to reassure and comfort our partners. For those on the monogamous side, it’s going to require some faith in your partner and experiencing some uncomfortable situations. That doesn’t mean jumping off the deep end. It means taking baby steps. Trying a little at a time as you build the foundation of the relationship and discover its boundaries. There is going to be give and take on both sides. You are more than likely going to stumble a few times, but that’s ok. As long as you remember, you’re in this together.
4.) Forgiveness: Do not abuse this power. Mistakes will be made, but don’t be careless or wanton. As I previously mentioned, there’s probably going to be some stumbling, maybe even a few disagreements. Progress is not made without challenges. In the heat of the moment, it’s probably going to be hard to remember this, but once the dust settles, remember, you’re both working towards the same goal. Take some time to process your own emotions. Then come back together and try again. In time it will get easier and you can build a dialogue.
5.) Celebrate: It can be intimidating and daunting to face the unknown. Especially when there are not many examples to look at for how such a relationship should work. The truth is though, at their core, romantic relationships are about people in love. People who have chosen, for whatever reason, to share a bond or commitment.
I love the relationship I have with my boyfriend. He makes me smile from ear to ear. Yes it’s more complicated than a monogamous relationship, does that make it any less valuable? Not in the least. It’s just a different set of rules. If we forget to enjoy moments along the way, that relationship which we are building, we may soon forget why we were together at all.
These are just a few of the lessons I have learned through my own experience and that evening’s conversation. This has also been an incredibly difficult post for me to write. One, because it is so personal and two, because it’s all still so new. Some days I feel like we’re on top of the world and just as quickly we can come tumbling back down. I doubt this will ever change, but hopefully it will get easier in time. My boyfriend asked me that night, why things had to be so hard. I once again didn’t have a good answer. I could have told him nothing in life worth having is easy, but that sounded dismissive. I could have told him that there’s nothing hard about loving him, but that’s too cliche. In the end I could only kiss his head and tell him I loved him, because that was the truth. Time will tell how successful we are, but I have faith in him, and this relationship. That is all I need to know. Everything else we can figure out along the way, together.
-Always in Love, Poly Guy 1
