Tonight’s post is brought to you by wine. The glass is always half full if you know how to pour. Wine…there when you need it…unlike your Grindr hook-up….
I have learned a great deal many things in my life. Some of them are useful. The larger majority of them quite useless. Though they do make for fun party bits when everyone is standing around awkwardly and at a loss for a topic. One useful thing I have learned is this. If you are going to be poly, you’re going to need rules AND if you’re going to be successful at poly, chances are you’re going to break them, together.
First off, what I don’t mean. It is still possible to cheat in a poly relationship. Just because you can sleep with everyone you want, doesn’t mean you should (also poly is about so much more than sex), particularly if you have agreements against such things. While cheating often manifests in monogamous relationships as a sexual affair, often times the pain caused by the sexual encounter is secondary (not to say it isn’t hurtful). What is often times the primary cause of grief, is the act of betrayal and dishonesty itself. You had sex with that person! You LIED to me! That is the key. Relationships are built on trust & communication, while the sex in itself is hurtful, having someone betray your trust is gut wrenching on an entirely different level. Such betrayal isn’t unique to monogamous, romantic relationships, it can manifest in any relationship and in many forms. I will repeat this again, don’t lie, & always, always communicate.
What I do mean. Poly, like any relationship, is a learning experience. Rules should be used to guide the relationship as it grows, and if we continue this metaphor, they should be used like course corrections, adjusting to the environment as new situations arise. Maybe that rule made regarding sleep-overs made sense when you first started out, but now both of you are more secure in your relationship and wishing more intimate time with the new paramours each of you has found. There’s no harm in changing the rules, if both parties agree to it. Such corrections allow for growth and new opportunities, but such things take time and dialogue.
The first five-ish years of my relationship to the Fiance’ were monogamous, and it worked for us. I even remember once, early on in the relationship, asking about if he would be interested in a threesome. The question was done more as a thought experiment than anything else. He said no, and to be quite honest I was in full agreement. Now some of you must be scratching your head. How in the world could a couple go from strictly and completely monogamous to running a poly blog, with a rolodex of fwbs and three very charming and loved paramours? The answer is simple…we talked. We were both very hesitant, but we trusted that we could each speak our minds and the other would listen without judgement. That very first night we came up with three rules:
- We both had to agree on the guy
- We only played together
- If at anytime one of us was uncomfortable we could stop the entire scene. No questions asked and the other would support the decision.
We never once in our time being open (but before poly) used the third rule, but it provided a level of security we both needed to learn and build trust in each other. Over time, as we became more comfortable, the first two rules changed as well. We actually made it a point in the early days to check in with each other every month or so and make sure the agreement still worked. We’ve adjusted it a multitude of times over the years. Slowly Rule #2 fell away and gave way to Rule #4 ( we could play separate while traveling). Over time Rule #4 would fall away and evolve into 6, 7, and 8, but the important part was that there was always a discussion and an understanding between all parties first.
Any of the multitude of resources out there, will give you an in depth exploration into rules, agreements, and boundaries. In the world of poly particularly, such things are vital. As the web of individuals grows, more personalities & more hearts become entwined. Agreements help to create a baseline the relationship as a whole can reference back to and rely on. That being said rules are designed to facilitate and support those individuals who created them. If at any time the Relationship becomes subservient to the rules, then the time has come for reflection and dialogue.
My fiance’s pup once asked me which house I would belong to if I were to enroll in Hogwarts. My answer was Gryffindor. Not because I’m loyal or brave or fierce, but because I’m completely inept at blindly following even the smallest of rules. Always strive to grow and be better, chances are you’ll have to break a few rules in the process, but if you’re compassionate and smart the end result will outshine the original.
Love without limits poly peeps – Poly Guy 1
