In spite of everything happening in the world, we must continue to soldier on by staying safe and healthy. Personally, this has been an extremely transitional period; filled with a recent layoff and signing divorce papers (which has definitely taken a lot of energy out of me). But it’s okay, because this is a part of life. The start of a new chapter. A time to reflect on what worked well and what didn’t. 

When in a relationship, partnership or somewhere in between, it can be difficult to judge what attributes make it good. Granted, “good” is a subjective term. What is good for one is not necessarily good for another. Like a metaphor mentioned in More Than Two, “No two gardens look the same, but all gardens need certain things to thrive: Sunlight, air, soil, and the right amount of water. In light of the times, I’ll use healthy instead of good to describe these attributes. Before I discuss some qualities that excel a relationship, let’s first talk about the relationship essentials. 

Looking back on the year, there have been many ups and downs in the exploration of polyamory. All encompassing, it has been a learning experience. Some of the foundations of a healthy relationship are: Communication, Honesty, Trust, and Respect. I truly learned, the hard way, that these are pillars every relationship is built on. Once one pillar is damaged, the others become exposed and possibly threatened. While these core elements help to propagate a healthy relationship, I have also found the following to help. 

Prioritization:

Time is of the essence. Fact: there are only 24 hours in a day, there’s no way to extend it… Between our job(s), family, daily regimens, and other plans it is essential to prioritize these items. We cannot accomplish all of it in one day. Time-management is not just a tool to help people organize their day, but a tool to prioritize our connections. There have been instances where I have overbooked my day and I have had to cancel plans with others. It hurts to let others down and be let down. Prioritizing people, instead of time on my phone, laptop or other distractions, plays a role in a healthy relationship.

Undivided Attention: 

Spending time and effort fostering new relationships, friendships and other “ships,” had become problematic. The half-assed time with my partner or friends was unappreciated. I might as well not have been there at all. My desire to maximize time has adversely affected the people around me. Undivided attention when spending quality time with a loved one is crucial. I sometimes forget to enjoy the moment with the ones I choose to surround myself with. I need to remember; the world is still turning even when I take a night off. Those nights where the phones are down are some of the best times spent. Both giving and receiving undivided attention has proven to be a healthy component for future relationships. 

Patience: 

We are creatures after our own desires. It’s hard to break bad habits and can take patience. One of these habits is my ability to handle conflict has hindered some of my relationships. It can take time to come to terms with our deep-rooted issues and deal with them. Patience is a two-way street. We all have issues that scare us, but allowing  the proper amount of time to understand & talk about them can be the best things for us and our partner(s).

A part of the human condition is making mistakes, errors, and failing at times.While I don’t have many regrets, that doesn’t mean I haven’t learned from my mistakes. Learning from these events and not being too hard on myself is necessary. Each misfortune has played an important factor in the following relationships and helped shape the person I am today. We live, we learn, and hopefully carry those insights into the next relationship. 

Let us know what works for you. Stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights into happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

-Your Friendly Poly Guy 2