Inspiration, or more so feelings, can come at you at any moment in time. Perhaps it was a certain smell of perfume, or an old place you used to go, or something entirely different all together. We don’t get a do over in life, so every moment, every challenge, every adversity is worth living life.
After an adventurous weekend in San Francisco, filled with so much emotion, I decided to watch the movie: The Last Letter From Your Lover. The movie was based on a novel by Jojo Moyes. It was very much in my wheelhouse of romantic drama, at least from what I could tell from the trailer. Shailene Woodley also starred in the film, I remember her most fondly from the movie: The Fault In Our Stars. That movie brought me into tears, so much beauty, so much compassion, so much tragedy, but overall there was so much love.
Every time I watch something that moves me in such a way, I am somewhat elated by the thought of how that could relate to my own life. Some may say that this habit is most certainly the most healthiest thing to do, but I find it quite cathartic. As someone who willingly admits that I have so many feelings, watching something that brings up old feelings is an opportunity to deal with those unresolved emotions. I often joke to some of my friends that, in fact, “feel everything and nothing at once.”
Where did this come from? I am unsure. Maybe it was the various Disney movies I watched as a child, or the love that I saw between my parents, or a combination of a variety of things. In any case, this week we will be talking about love and falling into it.
Going back to this past weekend, I had the most spontaneous weekend I’ve had in a while. It began with a birthday celebration for “The Gaymer.” For those of you unfamiliar with the name, he was someone I dated briefly and is referenced in our polycule post, which is overdue for an update. I ran some errands that morning, like buying a present for the birthday boy. In doing so, another friend messaged me asking, “What are you up to tonight?” I had plans but ]as curious to see what, if anything, he was going to respond with. To my surprise, it was an ]=opportunity to see Zedd in concert. I had been eyeing those tickets for weeks on Stubhub, but couldn’t justify spending the money on another possible Covid exposure.
Zedd has been a recurring DJ that has produced very pivotal songs in my life. The first, Find You, it spoke about two people finding one another even when the other loses themselves… At least that is my interpretation. It was a song that I held to my ex-husband when we were still together. I would go to the end of the earth to find him, even in his darkest hour. I am still grateful to have the experience of love in the way I did with him. Love doesn’t just disappear now that we’re broken up, it metamorphosizes into something else. I decided to go to see Zedd later that evening.
Getting back to the story, this dinner was somewhat triggering. It was the same restaurant we went to 2 years ago when we were dating, for his birthday. We were with friends and partners, it is where I learned that he had a major dislike for glitter. This was also one of the last times we hung out before we both agreed to break up for the sake of my husband at the time and my marriage.
As much as I wanted to come into this situation with an open mind, seeing that same awning, the small exterior, it brought back memories. But as soon as everyone arrived, I knew it was different. Some of the individuals weren’t the same, the dynamic changed, feelings were different. Dinner was above satisfactory, the sangria was divine. As we neared the dessert time, I had to make my exit.
The rest of the night would be consumed by alcohol and dancing. The set was amazing, I missed throwing my hands up and just dancing to the beat. The party carried on into the morning, but by the time everyone was ready for bed I had asked to spend the night at my friends’ place. That afternoon, we were all slow to wake up. My friends had turned on the new episodes of “Love is Blind,” which I never started or finished at this point. The drama was real, emotions seemed genuine, and I was hooked.
Later I had a discussion with one of my friends about if he has ever been in a situation like one of the couples. He hadn’t. To provoke him, I asked him what his longest relationship was in San Francisco. He replied, 9 months, though his friend interjected that my friend and the person he was dating weren’t ever official. By that he meant boyfriends. I pressed on and asked if there were strong feelings, love specifically, and he somewhat agreed there was. When I heard this, I wondered why people needed external approval of others or labels to justify their feelings.
I have been there, I know friends who have been in the same situation. Friends have judged my feelings for “the gaymer” because we were never official boyfriends. And after this chaotic weekend, I realized how I feel is just that. Sometimes I just can’t explain why I feel the way I feel but it doesn’t mean they aren’t real. While “love is patient, love is kind,” it is also unpredictable. As much as we’d like to think we have control of it, love is it’s own beast that cannot be tamed. Once we accept that, for all that it is, we can be open to love again.
So yes, I’ve fallen in love more than once. Thrice to be exact. Once to a best friend, once to a person I had the pleasure of spending 5 years with, and once with someone I dated for 3 months. While the last one might sound like infatuation, or some Romeo and Juilet bullshit, it’s how I feel. Some articles suggest that infatuation is based on initial sight and connection, while love consists of learning the good and bad and still loving them. In some cases infatuation can turn into love.
The past two years have been a whirlwind of ups, downs, and changes. It has inspired me to write a novel about my experience with polyamory. Though this is a fictional story, it will be based on my life and the journey of love in all its forms, how feelings can change over time, and how love can forever change us. I hope this hopeless romantic finds a way to write about love like his all-time favorite movie: Moulin Rouge. Thank you for reading. Let us know what you want us to talk about, we are here to give our experience and option on all things polyamorous.
“If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? If our love is insanity, why are you my clarity?” -Clarity by Zedd featuring Foxes
-Your Friendly Poly Guy 2
