Hello friends, welcome back to our blog. This week I’ll be talking about poly relationships that involve a non-poly partner and how labels can do more harm than help. In a previous post, I characterized my partner as monogamous, in the polycule, but that wasn’t the case. We are open and do have sexual relationships outside of each other. A better term to identify him as undefined in the polyamorous realm.
Writing about my personal life is yes, a way to get my feelings out in a creative realm, but also an avenue to understand polyamory through other blogs, podcasts, and literature. After listening to a podcast by Polyamory uncensored, the guest didn’t define themselves as poly but ethically non-monogamous. More Than Two has defined responsible (ethical) non-monogamy: Any relationship that is not sexually and/or emotionally exclusive by the explicit agreement and with the full knowledge of all the parties involved. It can take several forms and is distinct from cheating in that everyone involved knows about and agrees to the activity. It often explicitly spells out the conditions under which it is permissible for one person to take on additional partners.
In polyamory, mono-poly relationships are a common type of relationship. To reiterate: a mono-poly relationship is a relationship between a monogamous person and a polyamorous person. Mono-poly relationships, like any other kind of relationship, can be difficult and takes a lot of work.
This relationship type can be brought on by various factors such as: different relationship orientation, mismatched libido, distance, or time and energy limitations. My partner and I’s agreement to become open was initially due to distance. With our rather sexual appetite, we agreed while I was studying abroad, we open our relationship. There was a premise of closing when I got back. Then our relationship transformed into different sexual desire. While abroad, I realized I was far behind my cohorts in my career goals and so we kept our relationship open. We are both actively trying to further our career goals and has caused some aches.
Some hardships of an open-poly relationships are: time management, overcoming cultural conditioning, and logic versus emotion syndrome. Time management can be a tricky subject for any poly person when involved with another person, who may need more time with them than they are able or willing to give. My co-conspirator and I can attest how a shared calendar with our partners can help lessen the load. “Was it in the calendar?” One of the hardest parts of poly was overcoming the monogamy-centric cultural conditioning that most of us grew up in. I was raised in a suburban city, surrounded by monogamous families, with a house, white picket fences, and a dog or two. Prior to this past year, that is all I knew, monogamy was all I could imagine for my life. But opening myself to exploring non-monogamy has changed my perception of what life could be. Logic versus emotions deals with what we think and what we feel that don’t align. Though I don’t have a clear way to navigate this challenge, my personal experience has been softened with deep conversations with others who identify as polyamorous.
Some tools for mono-poly (in my case x-poly) relationship are: boundaries and expectations, open communication, and reflection. All of these tools can be applied to any relationship and are somewhat interconnected. When I first opened to the idea of poly, I didn’t know what boundaries to put on it besides no guys in our bed without consent from my partner. It felt like an open relationship but with the added bonus of feelings. Boundaries are used to voice what we are okay and not okay with our partner(s). Communication, my partner and several close will vouch that communication, when it comes to difficult subjects, isn’t my strong suit. This tool is especially important when dealing with complex issues. Reflection, not just in reference to yourself but to your partner(s)… What are your wants and needs? What are theirs? This mechanism is used to check-in and see what was needed then is something you needed now.
As I mentioned in the beginning of the post, my partner has not defined himself as anything on the polyamory spectrum. He doesn’t need to, we all work out things in our own time. I have chosen to identify as polyamorous (cute tidbit poly can also short for Polynesian, which I am not). Forcing a label for my partner has adversely affected his outlook on poly. I’ve always like labels on things because it helps decipher the poison from the wine. But through experience I’ve realized that we live in an era, where everything doesn’t need to be clearly defined or put in a box. We always have the choice to put in the effort and change ourselves to grasp a new view point. I’ll keep you posted on how it worked out.
– Your Friendly Poly Guy 2
