When the tears finally dry, and the anger and pain recede. We are finally able to assess that, which is no longer, with clarity. And unless the relationship was one of true toxicity and abhorrence, more often than not, we can look back and find at least one or two shining moments.
Not all relationships last a lifetime. Some would say that’s makes it a failure, caused by one or both the individuals involved. They didn’t do something right, or maybe it was never meant to be. With a simple turn of phrase we seem able to invalidate all that had come before, because it doesn’t align with what is considered a successful relationship, unending love that lasts a lifetime.
While the idea in itself can be romantic, I think, if not careful, it can be misguided and set up relationships for failure. I think this for one simple reason, time alone is not proof of a successful relationship. Think of an ex, now imagine if you’d pinned on an additional five years? Do you think that time alone would have made the relationship a more successful one, simply cause it had lasted longer? Chances are probably not.
Does that however mean the time you shared together did not wrought you something of value? A few happy moments, some new life lessons, a discovered passion your once significant other helped you to cutivate? Chances are you there was something.
While there was a greater rift that would ultimately see the dissolution of the relationship, it doesn’t make either party a failure at being a partner or that the relationship a waste of time, it means both have grown and the time has come for a new chapter.
Now, writing that is a whole hell of a lot easier than going through the process. I have been on both sides of that coin. I have had my heart broken and I have broken a few hearts (a statement I take no pride in). Neither side of the coin is easy to bear, for different reasons.
In the case of my very first boyfriend, I precipitated a scenario that ultimately gave him the final push to dissolve the relationship. It had lasted about a year. Setting aside he was ‘the first’ for a moment, because they are hard for a whole list of separate reasons. Having that change happen, seemingly overnight, was devastating. I had gone from speaking to him constantly throughout the day and seeing him almost every night, to their suddenly being an empty hole where he used to be. He was just gone, out of my life. I was hurt, angry, heart-broken. I laid every grievance and pittance that doomed our relationship at his feet. The anger would turn to regret and resentment and I would go through this cycle a few times.
It took time, but I have come to appreciate that relationship for the liberating experience it had been. There were a lot of reasons it would never have worked out, but for the time that it lasted, it gave me the opportunity to explore the person I had so desperately wanted to be, but was too afraid to embody. Something I am very much grateful for now.
The key to the success of that relationship had been passion and excitement, not time. It only burned for a short time, but it burned brightly, especially for me. If I looked at the relationship from the perspective of only being a year long, it would gloss over the outsized impact it had on my own journey of self discovery in those early years of coming out.
Not all relationships need to end, sometimes they simply need to evolve. As we grow so do our relationships to those around us. We are different people than we were 5, 10, 15 years ago. Sometimes that can be reflected in the interpersonal dynamics we share with our friends and lovers. Again written, this sounds easy, but in reality change is often hard, and messy, and maybe more than a few tears are involved. Such relationships are ones in which time is needed to affect that change, however the true measure of the success isn’t measured by how quickly or slowly the transition happens, but how the individuals involved handle it and what that new chapter ultimately looks like.
Relationships are tricky business. Many of us will move through several over the course of our life. Each will bring something new to the table. Its own excitement. Its own tears. Maybe its own end. Whatever the future brings, take the time that is needed to process your own emotions, should that day ever come. Hours, days, weeks, months, years. But if you can, remember it doesn’t have to always be viewed as failure, sometimes relationships come to an end and that’s ok.
-Always in Love, Poly Guy 1
