Welcome! Tonight we continue our conversation with Boy Nerd:

Poly Guy 2: I was going to ask if your ethnicity played a factor into polyamory? And if it does, how so? 

Boy Nerd: I feel like it does, not in my decision between polyamory or monogamy, but rather how I navigate the dynamics. Growing up in such a white area, such as Portland, there definitely was a mold and a box that society placed on minorities. Especially those who have intersectional identities as I do… being queer, Asian, and also submissive. It can be hard to navigate. Coming to San Francisco was amazing, where the mold is essentially broken, where there is so much representation of people breaking the mold and who are succeeding… For example, those who are queer, Asian and a dominant (Dom). To break that whole mold, I have to begin unraveling the model minority, also a submissive model minority, that I’ve used to satisfy the dynamics of my relationships. 

It wasn’t until I came here that I started to reflect, think back, and work out a lot of -isms. I really had to contend with a lot of the ideas I grew up with like the pleasing dynamic: of being the people pleaser and being okay with things even though I was not okay with things. It was definitely apparent in my first relationship because I was still being newly exposed to the world of being gay and being gay without the fear of family overlooking your shoulder. Y’all know how that is. 

Coming here was more liberating because there was more representation of how to break that mold. Even then with my last D/s’ dynamic, though he prided himself on not being a racist, he would still retain some prejudicial tendencies. For example, as a white man, he felt like he could make jokes because he’s dating x, y, z minorities. 

I had to contend with, San Francisco, as the epicenter of justice, where so many movements began, such as queer rights movement. And yet it still doesn’t mean that all of us have had our shit figured out. I had to try to fight the tendency to be a people pleaser with my last Dom… Yes, I am Asian, doesn’t mean I am going to be okay with everything that you are saying, much less the jokes that center around my race.

As a counselor, I definitely fall under the feminist theory, in the sense our identities shape our experience and our intersectional identities play with and against each other; in a tug of war fashion. While I found  empowerment with my Asian and queer identity in the city, my submissive identity was pulling me back. I remember thinking to myself, “Wait, he’s your Sir, he’s your Dom, you need to respect what he says”. And at the same time, my Asianess and queerness was like, “No that’s not okay, not at all! If he really was my Sir or Dom, he would listen to me and do his best to change his behavior,”.

Poly Guy 2: I do also think ethnicity does play a role, especially when we live in such a bubble in the SF, Bay Area, where everything is okay and cool for the most part. It is nice to get another perspective on this topic. 

Boy Nerd: I think it definitely helped shape my polyamorous dynamics, in both dynamics. Because I feel like they’d be okay with some of the problematic things they were doing. 

Poly Guy 1: Like what? 

Boy Nerd: Like making jokes about my culture. Using a very racist and stereotypical accent and pretending like I was a boy wh*re from Thailand. The expectation of me being okay with being in the submissive role even though there are Dom tendencies that I am exploring or wanting to explore, and them not offering the chance for me to do that. Even though in my last Dom’s group, with other boys, he fostered those Dom tendencies. 

Poly Guy 1: How aware were you of your partner’s paramours dynamics and what was the communication like? 

Boy Nerd: I want to say the communication was somewhat open in both relationships.  With my first poly experience if he’s not going to be with me, he was with his Dominatrix in Portland. He’d be honest about it and that was a matter of logistics.

With my second poly experience, he felt safe and comfortable to talk to me about things that were going on. He valued our deep conversations. All of his submissives were around my age or younger. I felt that he valued that I’m young, but I’m educated, I’m going to graduate school, and can articulate my feelings in a way some of his other submissives couldn’t. 

I would get a sneak peek into his mind, experience, and process (mental and emotional). I remember that we tried to have a Google Calendar with all our availabilities because there would be times we’d all want to be together but it didn’t work out.

Poly Guy 1: So at least with your last Dom, there was an overlapping of individuals in the relationship?

Boy Nerd: Yes, that was true when I was living with him and one of his submissives.

Poly Guy 1: How long did you all live together?

Boy Nerd: I lived with them for about 2 weeks when I first moved here. It was an in between time between when graduate school started and my lease started. It was temporary. Then I left that lease and I was with them for about a month and a half. That was a really rough experience and that is a part of the reason for leaving the relationship. Being around your partners in close proximity, in a small townhouse, you learn a lot about each other. You really figure out the nuances of being in each other’s space.

Poly Guy 2: So, were you and the other submissives not allowed to date other people?

Boy Nerd: In the second dynamic, we talked about it. He was okay with me playing with other people with rules in place. But having a relationship with another Dom, in theory he was okay with but in reality, with me especially… there was a bit of possessiveness. In the spirit of polyamory, in theory he would say “Yes, you are good to date another person”, but I know the moment I found somebody and brought it to light, he would be very upset.

This week we took the opportunity to talk to an individual who is outside of our polycule & their perspective on their experience in the world of poly. Enjoy!

Poly Guy 1:  Thanks for talking with us today.  Why don’t we start with a little bit of background on your experience with polyamory.  You’ve been a part of a polyamourous relationship before.  Is that correct?

Boy Nerd:  Yes! I’ve been in two so far.

Poly Guy 2:  Can you elaborate on those experiences? What were the dynamics like in each of those relationships?

Boy Nerd:    First I’d start off by saying I learned about polyamory through my introduction to the kink community at the age of 20.  My introduction to the kink community was through the lense of polyamory.  Initially I assumed everyone identified with some element of polyamory.

Upon entering the kink community I became a submissive, because I was still learning and it I gravitated the role.  I maintain that even now, because it’s one of the ways I express myself and identify, and how I navigate that realm.

The two relationships were very different in the way that the polyamorous dynamic played out.  The hierarchies were very different from each other.   

In my first relationship, the way that I envisioned it was, as a totem pole.  Depending on your rank, how much power you had, and who submitted to who, would dictate what your rank was on the totem pole.  

At the very top was a Mistress, a Dominatrix, and below her, her three boys, who were her submissives.  One of her three boys was my Alpha, which put me right at the bottom.  

That was the way it was structured.  It wasn’t very sustainable and honestly, was very isolating for me.  I didn’t feel I had anybody to talk to or connect with, aside from my Alpha.  Even then, he had to split his time between his Mistress & I.  Compounding that, at the time, though he identified (still does) as bi, he had a lot of internalized homophobia. It reflected in how we interacted, in the sense that he wanted to spend more time with his mistress, because I felt that’s what he was more familiar and comfortable with.  That in itself did a number on me for many years. A lot of mental & emotional scarring, but that we can talk about at another time.

The second relationship, the most recent one, was more like a hand.  There was a singular Dom, so he was like the palm, and each finger was a submissive.  The submissives weren’t exactly connected together, but we had the opportunity to create relationships with one another, if we desired to.

I do recall once where my Dom encouraged me and one of his boys to form a romantic relationship, but we did not click for a number of reasons. Personality, chemistry, and jealousy being some of the main reasons. Other than that, I never really got to a level where I connected romantically with his other subs.  Instead it gradually became more like a competition, with each vying to monopolize our Dom’s time.  While it was predominantly our job to self-mediate, our Dom wasn’t always able to help the situation.  I felt it was part of his responsibility to help step-in and diffuse some of the tension and mediate at times.  Ultimately it led to problems festering and it corroded my relationship. 

Poly Guy 1:  Were you the only one that left the relationship? Or was there more of an implosion?                    

Boy Nerd: Well…funny story.  I met my Dom, in this relationship, at a time when he had a lot of life changes happening, a number of which were not positive.  He didn’t react well to those changes.  I felt he tried to supplement those changes, by essentially collecting new boys.  I saw it grow from three boys to seven or eight and then shrink back down to three.

Poly Guy 2:  Wow! That’s a lot! That’s amazing!

Boy Nerd:  Yeah, amazing in a good way & a bad way too.  He had the personality to attract these guys, but not to maintain the relationships. It didn’t help that they all happened one after the other. 

Poly Guy 2: How close together?

Boy Nerd: I think it was around every few months or so.  I’d get a new text message essentially saying I’m thinking of collaring a new boy. It felt a little like he was playing collectibles with us. 

Poly Guy 1:  This sounds like a one sided relationship.  Was it? Did you have any input when it came to these new guys?

Boy Nerd: Yes and no.  I felt like he & I had a really great connection.  Deeper than some of his other boys.  He would ask for my input and advice, especially when it came to someone new, and I would give him my honest input.

Poly Guy 2:  Was he someone that was polyamorous before you met him?

Boy Nerd: Yes, he’d delved into it about 5 years before me I believe.  That was unlike my Alpha from my first polyamorous relationship.  He was still figuring the scene out alongside me at the time.

Poly Guy 2:  So previously you had learned about polyamory through the kink community is that how you met both of your doms?  Through the kink community?

Boy Nerd:  Yes.  I met both of them online.  My Alpha, who was the one to introduction me kink and poly, I meet through a gay dating site while we were both in college.  My second Dom, I met through tumblr at a time when we were both running kink blogs. 

Poly Guy 2:  Now with both of these relationships, were they both long distance?

Boy Nerd: With my Alpha, we were relatively close.  He was the next college town over. I’d see him about once every other weekend. With the Dom, it started off as a long distance relationship, as we lived in different states, and transitioned in time once I moved closer.

Poly Guy 1: So I’m curious for you poly & kink are tied fairly close together.  I mean you were introduced to both practically simultaneously.  How did that challenge or align your mental models around relationships and how they manifested?   

Boy Nerd:  I definitely had to do some mental acrobatics, because it was a complete shift from what I grew up with.  At the time when I met my Alpha I still believed in the traditional construct of monogamy, and my view of the kink community was warped to align with a very traditional understanding of sex.  That being said, I was so eager to learn, that I kind of dived in head first, and decided I‘d figure out my feelings and the rest as I went along.  I tried to enjoy the moment.   

Poly Guy 1: Looking back on the experiences you’ve had.  How do you view relationships now?

Boy Nerd: I’m not restricting myself in the sense that I’m only looking for either a monogamous relationship or a polyamorous relationship.  I feel that would be too limiting.  I’m, foremost, looking for a strong connection with someone.  Then together we can navigate what relationship structure works best for us.

I’ve had good experiences in my poly-dynamics, even though we’ve all since broken up.  I still have moments that I treasured immensely, and still do.  I see the value in having a polyamorous relationship, but I also see the value in having a monogamous relationship.  I think it depends largely on the individuals involved, and their own experiences as well.  Again it’s something we’d figure it out together, with me and whoever else is involved.    

Poly Guy 1:  Setting the polyamory element aside for a second.  I wanted to touch base on the kink element.  From the beginning we’ve heard how it’s been intertwined with your own identity and your relationships.  Can you speak to that more?

Boy Nerd:  I think it’s something that has always spoken to me, but whether I was receptive to hearing it or listening to it was a completely different thing. 

When people ask me about my kink journey, I like to say, “Well, it really started when I was a kid watching Saturday morning cartoons,”.  There was always that storyline, like in the Justice Friends or similar shows, where it was “another day in paradise” and then “someone would be kidnapped” and the “others would have to rush to save them”.  Without fail the person kidnapped was always tied up when they finally found them and rescued them.  So because of that I was constantly exposed to the concept of somebody being tied up.  For some reason that really jived with me, I really enjoyed it. 

It’s never something I myself physically experienced as a kid, but it’s something I think I could imagine myself in.  Being in that vulnerable position and someone coming to rescue me.  Of course I didn’t think anything of it at the time.  I was a kid, I had bigger fish to fry like learning the alphabet. 

It wasn’t until I started my sexual journey much later, when I discovered sex and porn, that I realized “Oh! You can have sex, AND be tied up at the same time!”.  There was one image in particular that stuck with me.  It was a Dominatrix with her sub, they were both gorgeous.  They were outside.  He had these leather pants on, but he was handcuffed.  He was looking up at her with such submission & adoration.  I remember thinking, “I want more of that.  Where can I find more of that?”.

Over time, from that point on, I discovered more kink, but it was also so intense that it made me hesitate and question my initial interest. On top of that I was realizing that I was attracted more to the guys in the scenes I saw, which felt bizarre. So I was going to have to figure that out too. You can see it was a lot for me to unpack and work through over time.   

Poly Guy 1:  It definitely sounds like it!  Hearing how intertwined kink is with your sexual identity and your relationships. I think my next question would be, you self-identify as submissive.  How would that piece of your identity factor into what you are looking for in terms of another partner or relationship?  

Boy Nerd:  I think at the very least I would be looking for openness and acceptance.  I don’t need that one person to be my dom.  If they felt they couldn’t provide that for me, I’d hope that they’d understand I’d want to seek that role out in another individual.  In doing so, that doesn’t mean we couldn’t have a deep emotional or physical connection, but more that I would have an outlet for fulfilling a personal need without imposing or demanding something of my partner they didn’t necessarily feel comfortable providing. 

Stay tuned next week for the conclusion to this discussion!!!

Ask my fiance, my boyfriend, or my co-conspirator about my planning abilities, and you will receive the same response.  A fit of laughter. I’m constantly having to be reminded of events, birthdays, anniversaries, or really anything that requires me to be on time.  It’s not from any desire to avoid such events. Simply an overly packed schedule, combined with the memory of a gold-fish. Rather than constantly promising to be better and failing. I have learned (am learning) the value of a shared calendar. A sentiment shared by any individual seeking to maintain a successful polyamourous relationship.  Coordinating and using a shared calendar, while it does not ensure success of a polyamorous relationship, will make it infinitley more attainable. (Poly Guy 1) 

As an event planner, time has always been of the essence of the job and that bled into my personal life. Figuring out how late I could stay at work before I had to take in Uber home in order to make a dinner reservation. But it wasn’t alway like that, I used to be a terrible planner and over book my schedule. Between the birthday parties, friends in town, and spontaneous plans can be a bit hard to predict and plan for. Now, when engaging in multiple relationships, it’s important to make time for each person and for ourselves. It sucks to be the person who makes plans and then continuously breaks them due to mis-scheduling issues. (Poly Guy 2) 

We’ve already discussed one benefit of a shared calendar in our last post. Specifically sexual health and testing.  If we expand that view even just a little further we can see how such a calendar could help to bring balance to the relationships on a larger scale. 

Both I and my co-conspirator have found scheduling a breeze with Google Calendar. It is one of the few apps that worked with both Apple and Android products. A shared calendar allows us to visually see the time we allot for other people and commitments. It also allows for our partners to be informed of events and changes that might occur. This is a great resource for partners who live together or apart. Google Calendar keeps track of plans and allows others to make arrangements around those plans. 

 Having the ability to see what others are doing and when, reduces the frequency of double booking and scheduling conflicts.  It does not eliminate them of course, but oftentimes provides a clearer and more reliable picture of what is happening in the coming days, weeks, months.  It is far from a replacement to direct communication, but more a way to ensure individuals are on the same page.  

It definitely helped at the beginning of my poly journey because it allowed my partner to see the days I’d be home later or back the next day. We also scheduled time for each other, family, and friend commitments. It was helpful to be aware of other commitments when making new plans without our partner(s). If my partner spent the night at a boy’s place, it gave me the time to do clean, catch up on a TV show or on some writing. (Poly Guy 2)  

One thing I learned when starting a shared calendar, but any calendar really, was to realize how possible it was to become overbooked.  As much as we enjoy spending time socializing, and spending quality time with others, it is also important to make time for ourselves. It can help to recharge our batteries, and provide a needed opportunity for self-care.  This by no means has to be an extravagant affair, simply a little down time to decompress. 

Shared calendars had their benefits and drawbacks. Some may view a shared calendar as a company-like tool to schedule meetings and offsites with employees. While, yes it can feel like a mundane act it calculates those weekends or weeknight, but also comforting at the same time. To visually see the time spent blocked out for others gives me some relief. Our shared plans from third party sites, such as Facebook, can be easily imported to my partner and I’s calendar.

We both have seen how a shared calendar helped plan with our other partners. Yet because it is in the calendar, doesn’t make it true. Plans can change and it is important to communicate with our partner(s). Let us know what works for you and how you plan with others. Stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights of happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

• Always in Love,  Poly Guy 1 & Friendly Poly Guy 2

You know if you had asked me five years ago about casual sex or having multiple partners. I would have stared at you blankly. If you had then told me, I would have a body count I can no longer tie a number to or even be bothered to try. I would have told you were out of your damn mind. To be young and clueless again.  I don’t miss it. Well the young part, maybe I miss that, but not the clueless.

I must admit, before becoming a slut (and I own that term proudly) I was woefully under-educated in the department of STIs and testing.  Don’t get me wrong I’ve had the birds and the bees talk in my teens. Even suffered through, what I now realize, was an almost flagrantly useless sex ed class. Neither of these did much to prepare me for the world of sex, and say nothing of gay sex.  

What they did do was instill fear.  Fear that if I had sex outside of marriage, it would be immoral and lead to me catching a venereal disease.  Pleasant, right? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying hand a copy of the Kama Sutra to every tween and say good luck. Maybe instead we arm our young adults with the right information that allows them to keep themselves healthy.  Instead of relying on the fear of God to see them through their horny teen & early adult years.

Through a combination of factors, including shyness, being in the closet, aforementioned educational entreaties, I managed to make it through my youth with relatively few sexual partners. Three to be exact (the third being my Fiance). For that I am in some ways grateful.  While yes I did use protection. I knew only the general outlines of testing and sexual health. “Safe sex” only carries you so far. This of course has changed in recent years, with the opening up of my relationship. 

 From the beginning a key component in our agreement has been a proactive approach towards sexual health and testing.  This was not only important for each other, but any of our sexual partners as well. Having multiple sex partners comes with inherent risk. We owed it to ourselves & our partners to do everything we could to minimize that risk on our end. Also, in the event of a positive result, be honest and communicative about said result. 

Our sexual health regimen revolves around three core concepts:  The use of PrEP, a regular testing schedule, & a calendar for tracking sexual encounters with partners outside the two of us.  Doing this allowed us to create a system the mitigated some of the greater risks (i.e. HIV), while providing a way to minimize transmission of STIs & keeping past partners apprised of any positive STI results. 

I will not spend a great deal of time here on the use of PrEP. Suffice it to say, for those who are sexually active with multiple partners, it behooves you to, at least, evaluate your risk level and determine if it’s the right choice for you.  

What I would like to focus on is our testing regimen and calendar. These two pieces work in tandem to minimize the risk associated with STI transmission.  When we first opened up our relationship we got tested every three months. As our number of partners grew, so did our chances of contracting an STI.  Taking this into consideration we started getting testing monthly. It ensured a smaller chance of passing something on to one of our partners. This worked in partnership with the joint google calendar we had created for ourselves. By tracking our encounters on our shared calendar it allowed us to do two things:

One, it allowed us to see how wide a net we needed to cast in terms of informing partners of a positive STI result.  Rather than having to guess at who we’d played with and when, we only need look at our calendar. Then we worked back towards our previous lab results. Doing so painted an accurate picture of who needed this information. 

Second, in the event we were informed of a positive test result by one of our partners. We could track forward from that encounter who we needed to inform ourselves of a possible exposure. Thus allowing individuals the chance to make an informed decision about whether they needed to get tested. 

As you can see the goal here isn’t to eliminate the risk. There is always inherent risk with multiple partners, but minimize it and act on information as quickly as possible.       

  For us this regimen has returned results time and again.  Yes we have had STIs. Yes, we have had the unfortunate task of having to inform partners of those results.  It is not a responsibility we take lightly or casually. However, they have the right to know and make informed decisions about their health.  Unfortunately there is a lot of stigma and lack of education around STIs. This can and has led to a few intense conversations, to say the least.  The only way to change that however (and reduce transmission rates in the process) is to have open communication and a proactive attitude towards one’s own sexual health.  

•  Poly Guy 1