Happy Pride everyone.  As many of you have no doubt experienced in SF, it was a very different kind of Pride today than one has come to associate with such a joyous celebration. For obvious (and valid) reasons, people have had no choice but to find new and creative ways to participate this year.   

In my tenure in San Francisco, I’ve walked in, I think two parades. Of those two parades and the numerous block parties at City Hall afterwards, there are a few things I remember. For starters the sheer volume and energy that coalesces in one place cannot be understated.  The cast of characters is beyond imaginable, shapes sizes, age, dress, gender, all walks were celebrated. Scaling back even further however, to an even more personal level than all of that.  What I remember is, it is one of the few times my fiance has felt/feels comfortable enough to hold my hand in public and do it without caution or hesitation, but instead with confidence.  I cannot begin to express how satisfying and warming it is to see him, just breathe and let go of the constant burden he carries. 

I will not lament here on the unfairness of it all, that such a simple act represents a monumental moment. That I assure you cannot be understated. Yet, Pride is just as much about fighting the fight, as it is about celebrating life and who we are.  There is a silver lining to every cloud. For Pride it’s that I get an opportunity to see those around me express themselves in ways that they might not feel comfortable doing, whether from a (real) fear of retribution or from nervousness or shyness.  The power that is Pride to embolden individuals to find their voice, speak their truths, and be comfortable in their own skin has no comparison.  It’s a chance to show the world that what you see in yourself, what you know to be true, is normal & has a place in this world. I get to see that when I see my partner stand tall and smile at the crowds as he walks with me.  There’s pride (no pun intended) in his stance, that’s not always there in the day today or maybe a etter way to say it.  Is it gets magnified and unburied in moments like these.   

Less the world thinks my fiance as someone who is wholly a beaten and battered-down individual.  The truth is, maybe a little at times.  The other truth is, for many of us, that’s also true too.  If someone were to unfold our lives they would find a patchwork quilt.  A collection of beautiful moments & memories, but among the patchwork there would be scars.  Odd stitchings where we had to put ourselves back together.  Holes where we couldn’t.  That is the price many of us must pay for being true to who we are.

Life is not fair, we should not have to fight so hard to be seen or heard or demand to be treated as normal.  Life however is never fair, but we will fight on and celebrate anyways.  Pride is a reminder of that.  Pride is a reminder that it doesn’t always have to be an uphill battle, that it’s ok to just be you, but that when you need to fight the fight, you won’t be doing it alone, not by a long shot.  Pride is a reminder of the future I want to have, where I can hold my fiance’s hand in public and not have him feel afraid.

Creative solutions or full-scale parades, it matters not.  The important part is we celebrate the occasion, as a day for us & for the ideals Pride embodies.

Welcome back friends! First and foremost, Happy Pride! As the celebration ends, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on the year. Memories that were made; encapsulated on the camera roll, backed up on cloud storage, and if you’re like me (old school), printed. These photos strung up along the mantle or haphazardly placed around the bedroom walls. While things may have changed since the photos were taken, they still hold sentimental value.  

The highs and lows of quarantine have started to sink in… Personally, there has been love, loss, depression, anxiety, and acceptance (not in that order). Societally, we are in the midst of a pandemic, a black lives matter movement, and a presidential election later in the year. With so much going on in my life, it makes for a very under-rated response when someone asks, “How are you doing?” Instead of a typical response of “good,” my replies include a variation of “okay” or “do you want the short or long version?”

So much has changed in a short span of time and it’s been a lot to grasp, much like my first Pride in San Francisco. A whooping 8 years ago and I still vaguely remembered the details. Thankfully through Facebook Photos and old boyfriend, I’ve fill in the majority of the blanks.

My boyfriend at the time, the Poet, and I decided to go to an event (since remastered) known as Pink Saturday. It was an extravaganza block party that stretched the main cross streets of the Castro District. The event was held by the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, which is “a charity, protest, and a street performance organization that uses drag and religious imagery to call attention to sexual intolerance and satirizes gender and morality.” The party featured several stages that offered a variety of music options. It was a fantastic time to be among a sea of people, to dance like no one was looking, and to truly value the people I was surrounded myself with.

In my infancy of understanding (or unpacking) my gay identity and what it meant to be gay, I stuck with the basics and wore bright color and bought into the retail version of Pride: rainbow attire. After several years of encounters, education, and living as an openly gay man; I learned being gay and Pride is much more than that. It encompasses the history of the ones who came before us, the ones who fought for our rights, and struggles during the AIDs epidemic.

To me, Pride embodies the livelihood of the community and its individuals. It spans the various sexual orientations and subcultures. Pride is the opportunity to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. 1. To connect with others in the queer community and allies. 2. To embrace and celebrate our sexual identity without judgement. 3. To educate and advocate for others in and out of the LGBTQ+ community on issues, history, and practices. Pride is a symbol of progress. I’m grateful to live in a time where I can marry another queer person, adopt a child of my own, and now officially protected from discrimination in the workplace. All of these rights are milestones on the road to equality.

In retrospect, I am me. I take pride in my sexual orientation and my polyamorous lifestyle. While these factors are a part of who I am, I will not solely be defined by them. Pride is a time to reflect on the past, ourselves and think about the future. Though this year was certainly different, I (like many others) had found a way to commemorate Pride. A group of friends made plans to social distance at the park. It was a time to make new acquaintances, catch up with friends, and enjoy the day.

I hope you found a way to support and celebrate your LGBTQ+ community. And as always, stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights into happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

-Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

Circa 2013. Newly transferred to San Francisco State University to begin college and had been dating the accountant. I established a true connection and then (due to impatience, among other things) lost it. That was one of the toughest break ups of my life. I wasn’t determined to get back on the proverbial horse and date for bonding, but rather spent the time chatting up guys and weeding out potential dates. The intention was purely fun, I didn’t want to seek out the meaningful connection of a lover because I was still healing from the aftermath of the previous relationship. It was an opportunity to make the most of my time and discover meaningful connections with strangers. But low and behold fate (or whatever you want to call it) had other plans.

The various encounters set off a chain reaction of less than desirable men to penetrate the walls of my inner thoughts and eventually led to a terrible relationship, I’ll call him “The Unambitious.” He was wrong in so many ways, mini alcoholic, terrible communication style, self-centered, and very petty. Our relationship lasted less than a year but he definitely did a number on my mental health. As much I tried to move on from him, he’d always find a way to weasel his way back into my life. It didn’t help that he was friends with one of my best friends at the time. 

It wasn’t until about two years later, I was with my last partner, The Simulation (Sim) Tech, that I realized I needed to cut him out of my life completely. I was clearly happy with the Sim Tech and the Unambitious saw this and still tried to win me back in front of him. That did not go so well for the Unambitious. I did get a nice travel journal out of the experience, along with satisfaction of some loves needed to be let go. 

Now as I enter the world, 28, single, and ready to mingle. Not purely for bonding, but for fun. I don’t want to do what I’ve done in the past, where I jump from relationship to relationship. It’s unhealthy and does not allot for time to process everything. Though we are out of The Shelter in Place order, I am also not going to start dating random people for fun just yet. There’s so many possibilities for exposure to COVID and I don’t want to risk that. Instead, I will have fun in other ways. Perhaps finding a quarantine bae, as some have suggested. 

My plans to date for fun are now out in the universe and I am certain something will happen. The saying, “You don’t find love, it finds you,” really comes in full view as I look back on the past genuine connections I made. My dating nature has been a mixture of both bonding and fun. Having meaningless hot sex, while it can be a momentarily release, doesn’t over all exonerate all the feelings. I enjoy having a shared connection before engaging in a sexual experience. Moving forward, dating will include a mixture of both fun and bonding. 

In retrospect, each relationship has played a key role in the development of myself. Without one, the other couldn’t have formed. They have brought me to this point in my life and I am proud to be who I have become, but also scared, nervous, and a bit excited. In this day and age, dating is not just one thing or another, but a combination of various components. 

In any case, let us know what works for you. And as always, stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights into happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

-Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

For those who are looking to binge another romance show, look no further. Modern Love, on Prime Videos, is a series based on real-life personal essays featured in The New York Times. The series examines love in all of its beauty and complexity. While Modern Love doesn’t touch upon polyamory specifically, it does pose the effects love has on the human connection. More specifically on how intertwined things are in realizing what we truly want and need in a meaningful connection. We know every relationship in some way (positive, negatives or a variation in between) changes us. The exposure, and ongoing journey, with poly has certainly transformed my outlook on relationships.

The initial introduction with poly opened my mind to the mechanics that contribute to a relationship. Love itself is multi-faceted and there are many factors to consider. Such as societal, economical, and family upbringings (to name a few) that play a role in how we view relationships. As stated in previous posts, I grew up in a suburban setting, geared toward monogamy. It was the only visible route, unless you were Mormon. The narrative was backed by romantic comedies, love songs, and family values that displayed a romantic relationship shared between two people. As the only out LGBT person on both sides of my family, I always had to seek advice from outside sources. 

When it came to poly, I really had to have an open mind to the possibility of love. How it can work with more than one lover, both emotionally and sexually. The quote, “don’t yuck my yum” has proven to be true, especially when meeting others who have different interests than your own. I learned more about poly and grasped the process and foundation. Polyamory has proven that relationships are not a “one size fits all” dynamic. They come in various forms depending on what is worked out between the individuals involved. With an open mind more is possible. In my case, happiness is derived from the people, the experience, and the attitude going into a situation.

Similar to my co-writer’s sentiment, relationships are work. A poly relationship cannot excel if the proper work hasn’t been put in. My initial introduction to poly was a sensory overload of components. It included my primary partner, the EDMer, and the Gaymer, along with working with a work, life, and social balance. My focus and attention shifted away from my partner and toward the Gaymer. I was so caught up in understanding something completely different, that I set aside the relationships I was currently involved in. It doesn’t make up for what happened later on. This was a critical point to uncovering one of my own faults. I was unprepared and the results demonstrated that. Relationships broke down, interactions became more difficult to communicate, and ultimately ended up in disarray. 

Looking back, I realized that I’d gotten caught up in something new, I lost sight of what I already had, and myself. It can be a rabbit hole with new relationship energy. Both exciting and dangerous depending on how you use it. I keep hearing my old partner’s voice in my head whenever I said, “What’s the harm in striving to have it all.” His response, “Me, I am what could be lost.” Like warning signals, his words are ingrained in me now. This experience has shown that multiple concurrent relationships are possible with the stipulation that all parties are ready for that. 

Going from an open-partnership, to a throuple dynamic, to polyamory, in the span of two months was too quick for my partner and I. Our communication degraded and arguments became the new norm. It was unhealthy but I was too stubborn to change my action. Polyamory puts into perspective what is doable (or fair) for a person. What I was able to give to my partner(s) may not equate to what works for them. And that’s okay, as long as needs are openly communicated. In many cases, people have found a common ground to discuss and find a suitable solution.

Overall, polyamory has expanded the idea of what is possible in a relationship. As a millennial, I’ve inherited this notion of no regrets because with each relationship came a valuable insight that I can use to grow. Those societal boxes such as to graduate college, find a partner, settle down, have kids had portrayed an unrealistic view of how life should be. Instead I have taken the initiative to define that for myself. 

In any case, let us know what works for you. And as always, stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights into happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

-Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

The year was 2019, it was in the heat of a San Francisco summer, and the weekend of Dore Alley. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the event, Up Your Alley Fair (or known to locals as Dore Alley) is a fair that takes place in San Francisco during the last weekend of July on Folsom Street. It is a fair, where fellow leather and fetish enthusiasts engage in Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism (BDSM) play. 

The weekend was filled with a lot of firsts. The first circuit party, the first of friends meeting, and the first of pictures. 

Dore Alley has several ticketed events over the course of the weekend. The ones I attended were the Glamcocks and Ritual. Funnily enough, both events took place at the same space. Glamcocks is a burner party of sorts. It had several rooms, in which people enjoyed the artistic displays and enjoyed themselves. 

Ritual on the other hand was a party for some of the most wondrous things to happen. It was an after hours event. We planned to meet up with everyone in our “gaggle” of friends at an infamous after hour club called. The End Up. It was a place where people partied on to the wee hours of the morning. The club usually closes at 6 am or on the weekend. The group was comprised of the squash player, the nurse, “The academic,” my partner, and my co-conspirator. We met up at the  bar for drinks before Ritual, the event started at 4 am and went till 9 am. We danced a little and commented on each other’s outfit. Each person wore something different. 

It was the first time the nurse met our friends and my partner. He showed up 10 minutes before the bar closed. I still remember chugging drinks with him in the bar as the clock struck 2 am. We stayed there for some time before heading over to the main event. 

We made our way to the event but not before we stopped for some red bull and food. Once there we waited in line for about 45 minutes before waiting in another line to decloth (aka coat check). 

The club was packed with various men of all shapes and sizes. The common theme was leather, harness, and some variation of underwear. After a much needed bathroom break, we regrouped and made our way to the main stange and bar. The room was filled with some of the same things from the night before but the vibe was different. Hotter (in temperature), more men, and different music. The music was much of a high caliber over others. Quicker beats and more people enjoying their time. 

Soon after surveying the landscape the majority gathered to meet with our friend we call Molly. It was a new feeling for some and an old feeling for others. The hours before the bar opened again, at 6 am, was the time to dance our butts off… And we did. There was some point in the night that it was, “The Bear,” me, the squash player, and my partner, dancing in that order. Someone had taken a picture of us. Their comment was, “Oh I love that this is like a bear sandwich.” 

 It was truly a time where my partner and I could enjoy ourselves, without being together. Maybe it was the music or the friends, but that night was awesome in its own fashion. I know because I took 4 pictures total. 

Hours had gone by, people had left, and we literally shut down the club. We saw some complimentary sunglasses left in a basket on a table. We each struggled to grab a pair and put on clothes. But in the midst of it all, we declothed once again to take a picture of the group. It was the blurriest but most memorable photo of the night. 

After we opened the doors and saw that the sun was already out and shining, we proceeded to make our way to get food. There was a place 4 blocks up the road that had good yelp reviews and open. We waited a short amount of time before being seated and ordering food. Some of us had ordered mimosas, coffee and other drinks, while others stuck to water.

We had survived the night and were full of sustenance. We parted separate ways before we met up again at the Dore Alley festival. It was a festival to show some skin and explore certain fetishes. The group gathered for a bit before disbanding into their own ways. The majority of the group stayed together. 

It was a monumental event because it was the first event that both the guy I was dating and my partner were in the same place. They had met before but not under these pretenses. I was happy to see them interact. It was also the first picture that the gaymer and I would take together. Coming from Asian origin, I valued such things. 

There would be several other revealing photos to be taken throughout the festival, but unfortunately it had come to a close. The gaggle had decided to get dinner at a sushi restaurant around the corner. It was the closest restaurant that would soon open. We were its first customers of the evening. The staff was intrigued with the various outfits before showing us to our booth. It was a japanese booth, where shoes are taken off before sitting. 

The meal was great. Some of us share a giant, 720 ml, bottle of Nigori (unfiltered sake). Other ordered dishes for themselves. In any case, it was a time to enjoy time with others. More pictures were taken to commemorate the occasion. Looking back on that moment, I was happy…  Surrounded by friends, the guy I was dating, and my partner.

-Your Friendly Poly Guy 2