The Boys in Town

Happiness, heart breaks, & a whole mess of spelling errors

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Gay and Poly Representation in Mainstream Media

January 17, 2021 /

Hello friends, welcome back to our blog. This week we will be discussion about the representation of both gay and poly themes in mainstream media. How are these two facets of life illustrated? While this topic is broad and open ended, it allows us to explore two of our identities.

Looking back, I am kind of envious  of LGBT+ youth growing up in this era because there is more access and awareness of gay culture in social media, TV, and movies. I would’ve loved seeing that growing up and knowing that gay is okay. But that wasn’t the case. Oppositely, with polyamory, I had the opportunity to see that lifestyle portrayed in mainstream media. Interesting enough, after coming out to friends and family members as polyamourous, some came back with more insight about how polyamory was showcased in TV and Movies. Knowledge is power. Perhaps they were seeing a non-monogamous lifestyle on these outlets and thought of me. 

Let’s begin… I still remember having one of my favorite animated shows, Futurama, on in the background as white noise because I’ve seen it several times. One in particular resonates with this topic, The Beast With A Billion Backs (2008.) It had some poly input, where an alien from another universe seeks love with the people on earth. One creature with 7 billion individuals. It was interesting to revisit that movie and see that in some fashion it did exhibit some forms of polyamory. 

Another example of polyamory in mainstream media is the movie, Professor Marston and The Wonder Women (2017.) This movie is available on Hulu for those of you who are members. It talks about the creation of the comic book character, Wonder Woman. For those who don’t know, the creator of Wonder Woman was in a non-monogamous relationship with two women, who he had kids with. It was super interesting to see non-monogamy in a historical sense. 

In addition, Single Parents (2018), an ABC sitcom that explores the wonders of being a single parent. I found it refreshing to see one of the characters help normalize polyamory with a loving thouple. The fact that it was also a POC (person of color) that was featured in the relationship was calming. I don’t see much of it in other media outlets. It is great to see non-monogamy making its way into mainstream TV. 

Equally important, the most recent gay non-mongamous movie that I watched was, Kill The Monsters (2018.) It is a movie about three cis-white men living in a throuple. The movie is self-described as an American allegory and while watching the movie I was lost. Perhaps it was the style of the movie or something else. It did portray three men in a sexual and emotional relationship.

Lastly, before posting tonight, I decided to watch one more mainstream media that explores the world of non-monogamy in an action film called, Savages (2012.) It features some big name actors and actresses such as Blake Lively, Salma Hayek, and John Travolta. I won’t spoil too much as I am still going through feels of sorts. I will leave you with a quote from the movie, “I’m not sure there can ever be three people equally in love. It just doesn’t work that way… I looked up the definition of savage. It means, cruel, crippled. Regressed back to a primal state of  being.” 

These are just a couple of examples that both polyamory and gay culture have come into mainstream media. Exposure to such things can be influential to others who might not have the support in their own lives. Whether it’s for satire, laughs or any other reason, portraying some kind of non-monogamous lifestyle is good for the community and others that are interested in the matter. Like Mahatma Gandhi once said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” Through our blog we are able to do so by expressing our voice and experience. 

And as always, stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights into happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

 -Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

Happy Polydays: Body Positivity

December 31, 2020 /

Hey friends, welcome back. As 2020 comes to a close, we are very fortunate to be a part of a collaboration with 30 other accounts to bring you Happy Polydays. It is a whole month of spreading love, experience, education, normalization, and cheer around polyamory. 

As the last to close out the PolyDays calendar, we wanted to talk about our experience with polyamory and what we hope to accomplish in the new year. After a little over a year of starting our account, we had goals, plans, and dreams to tell our story and help bring awareness and normalizing polyamory to the forefront. We have made some wonderful connections with others who fall under the non-monogamous umbrella. 

Being gay, being Asain, being a man, being human, all comes with their own challenges to fit into the generalized mold that society has put on us. One of those stressors that hits close to home is body image. We had to think about how others perceived us. I had past partners who were uncomfortable with their bodies, hated me touching their “love handles” and such. I didn’t see it as a bad thing, I was embracing all of them through their faults. For me, body image was something that scared me growing up. I was the scrawny Asian kid with a big head. Classmates made fun of how tiny I was and as I grew up, my thoughts on body image grew. When I moved to San Francisco to pursue a degree in Industrial Design, I was presented with new challenges. The gay community can be so topical with interactions at the bars or clubs. I was fortunate to find some amazing older gays who took me in and taught be about gay culture and subcultures. 

As a gay, Asian-American, living in San Francisco I quickly realized that men fetishized me based on my ethnic background. It was quite disheartening. I never really saw myself as someone who pined for one type of person based on genetic, physical features. I later got into a serious monogamous relationship with my now ex-partner of 5 years. In that time, during my senior year at university, I was asked to solve a problem using industrial or graphic design skills. I was at a loss of what to focus my thesis on. After two years of being in a relationship, I noticed the changes my partner at the time had gone through, gaining weight and not feeling sexy or his authentic-self. At that moment, I found a problem and wanted to improve it for him. So I set out to research the issue. After a couple of weeks I quickly realize that the variety of posters up along the street of the gay district of San Francisco featured men of all different ethnicities but mostly in the same fitness shape. These ripped men only endorse something called body dysmorphia. The Mayo Clinic describes this disorder as, “Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental health disorder in which you can’t stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that appears minor or can’t be seen by others.”

At the time of the research, 3 out of 7 gay males felt that Instagram had a negative effect on their body image. As my Grindr profile would note, I am 5 foot 5 inch individual, slim, 115 pounds, Asian. Some call me a “Twink,” others say I am “fun-sized,” I see myself as a person. I have had 28 years to come to terms with this body and I have truly just haven’t given any care to labels. 

Getting back to the thesis, I wanted to challenge the status quo of things in body image among gay men. How best to do that, but by altering the narrative and changing what others see as attractive. The images of men with a six-pack, nice hair, in skimpy clothing… That needed to be more diverse and representative of the men I met in the metropolitan area. 

Through research I found a self-help novel, Embody: Learning to Love Your Unique Body (and Quiet that Critical Voice), by Connie Sobczak that really resonated with my topic. While her novel focused on women, I extracted her main points as a foundation for my thesis to create a unique poster campaign. This campaign would include different men, both ethnically and body size, to highlight that gay men come in all shapes and sizes. It was a hard task to fulfill because these men would have to be naked, with the naughty bits hidden. Luckily I did find some takers that were okay with the concept. I made a make-shift backdrop and photographed 6 individuals, including myself, to pose nude to accentuate different features of the male body. 

There were various iterations of the product before going into production. Some questioned why the images were black and white because the gay culture was so vibrant and full of color. With the help of photoshop and graphic design skills, I was able to create something vivid and striking as the people on the posters. The end product was something that I did put my heart and soul into. I was proud of the work I did as most designers are. 

This passion project and senior thesis really changed my view on body image. Seeing men that did not fit the general mold of standard beauty. Embracing their flaws and seeing the beauty in their imperfections. I, myself, had bad acne growing up and now have scarring due to that but I embrace it. It is me and we all have things we don’t particularly like about ourselves, but instead of hiding them, we should embrace them. Just as the great Dr. Sessus once wrote, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” And that is what I truly hope for in those in the community. Happy New Years Eve! 

And as always, stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights into happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

 -Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

Happy Polydays! Flaws and all!

December 31, 2020 /

My co-conspirator could have not have said it any better.  This year has been an adventure.  Writing this blog & slowly dipping our toes into the world of poly at large.  It is one thing to experience at the individual level & another to engage others and hear their stories and perspectives.  In a year of cascading and downward trending notes, this blog has been a high note. As we close out this year and the polydays we’ll leave you with this last post & look towards an exciting new year.  

When my partner and I first started opening up our relationship, we created a joint account on, well, a number of apps honestly.  A majority of the responses were par for the course, introductions, the usual questions, maybe an encounter or maybe ghosting. Sounds terrible, but one does become a bit inoculated after a while. Also we actually did meet a number of really amazing guys.  Some were bright passionate sparks who evaporated as quickly as they appeared.  Others are still around in some capacity or another & are individuals I consider dear friends.  Regardless their duration they have left behind (or continue to create) fond memories . 

     In the midst of all that though. There were, & remain, a few interactions that stand-out as a shining example of how truly ugly and vain, society, gay culture specifically in this case, can be.  On two separate occasions I can recall opening the app to find we had a message from someone who messaged us for the sole purpose of criticising our looks.  I don’t remember the specific language, but I do remember the shock of reading the message.  The casual cruelty online anonymity so easily provides a platform for, while it comes as no shock to anyone, it was the first time it had ever been directed at me personally. The feelings the messages brought up were ones of confusion & mostly surprise, and throw in a tinge of anger & offense of course. 

I would soon learn we were one the lucky ones. Where we had received the rare vitriol filled message, others of my friends were bombarded constantly by such messages.  People I knew to be incredible individuals and beautiful all-around. It broke my heart and angered me all at the same time.  Some of them weathered it and let it roll off their back, but others took each and every comment to heart.  Regardless the reaction it was clear it took a toll on everyone of them & how could it not?  We all have insecurities.  Regardless the direction the attack comes from, it plays right into our fears & only seems to reinforce something we already believe about ourselves, even when it’s untrue.

     Each time I received those messages I deleted them.  The thought crossed my mind to respond, to provide some retort, but the truth was, nothing I would say would change their response & did it matter?  Instead I blocked the profile, deleted the message, and moved on.  I clearly think about it from time to time, how can I not?  It was so casually cruel for no other reason than to inflict pain.  

So what exactly is the lesson here? Why do I bother bringing up a seemingly miserable experience when I should be trending towards a high note & uplifting your spirits?  For starters, to remind people, and I cannot stress this enough, don’t be a dick.  It’s really that simple. Just don’t do it.  Outside of this sage bit of advice however, I bring it up because, while yes cruelty does happen (painfully too often) so can beauty and caring.  The important voices, the ones that mattered, were the ones that loved us, supported us, & lifted us up.  They loved us, for being us, flaws and all, which is a wonderful feeling.    
Body image is an interesting thing.  There are fewer things we, as human beings, are more critical of than our own skin.  Fear of gaining too much weight, losing hair, a crooked smile, or a second toe that is longer than the big toe.  These are just a few of my own foibles, but the list is as endless and as varied, as there are individuals on this Earth. The number of times I’ve looked in a mirror and found a flaw in the reflection is beyond counting. The truth however is I should learn to be far less critical than I am, not an easy task, but the alternative is eating away at my own self-confidence & shaming myself for being what no one else can be, myself.  

The Drifting Tides: A Metaphor for Reconnecting

November 16, 2020 /

People & relationships in my life ebb & flow.  One moment it feels as if they will always be by my side & always have been.  The next the tides of time and commitments have pulled us apart.  Sometimes dramatically as if yanked away by a roaring riptide & yet other times almost without notice.  As if we’re both coasting along the same current, but somewhere along the way the currents veered and we begin drifting further and further apart. Regardless of the manner in which it occur, just because we drifted apart, does not mean we won’t wend our way back together some time in the future.

There are those relationships that drift apart & people become estranged.  That is another topic entirely, which for now we’ll set aside. There are other relationships, where for one reason or another one party is unable to commit as much time or attention & over time, for a period of time the engagement tapers off.  It can be for any number of reasons, health, a career, family, a pandemic.  Sometimes we all need a moment to realign our focus on immediate priorities.  A chance to bring equilibrium back to our lives when one area takes a nose dive off the deep end.     

This pandemic has presented a very clear example of this. At the risk of sounding overly dramatic.  My social network has crumbled over the course of this pandemic. There are a few relationships I have maintained & even one or two I’ve built brand new. These I am eternally grateful for. There are quite a few, however, including those previously noted that have suffered over the course of these past few months. Like everyone, at one point or another my emotional & social resources have been drained.  The effect, of course, is that my world gets a little bit smaller. Does it mean I don’t care for all the individuals I used to talk to, that I don’t any longer or maybe less frequently?  Far from it, it pains me that I’m not able to keep up with everyone.  

As I mentioned in the beginning though, the people in our life ebb & flow. This time is not any different, in that regard.  When we emerge from this pandemic and the world begins to open again, as my energy sources are replenished, I will begin to reach out again.  I’ll begin to rebuild those connections again.  There’s no guarantee for reciprocity, but I do hope the bonds that I have built before this chaos, will be strong enough to weather the storm. What I hope to find is the person I knew before and to hear how they’ve grown and what they’ve experienced in the interim.  It will be a chance to bond over shared, but separate experiences.  Maybe we’ll laugh, we’ll no doubt shed a tear or two, but at the end of the day, the relationship will be stronger for it.


This pandemic is an extreme & tragic example of a life event. The truth of the matter is we can drift apart as easily for a positive reason as a negative one. A child’s birth, a new spouse, a new job. Sometimes we need a moment to focus on what is in front of us. Sometimes we need a chance to venture out and grow on our own. Sometimes we get to be part of that person’s journey and share in the grief or the joy it brings, other times maybe not.  In the instances where, we can’t be part of the journey, in the relationships that matter, take solace in the tides, they ebb and flow. In time those people you care about and who care about you will find their way back or vice versa. The time will come when you once again drift on the same currents.    

-Always in Love & Always Adrift, Poly Guy 1

Hey You! Long Time No Speak

November 15, 2020 /

Have you ever had that moment after a breakup that you find yourself getting messages from people in the woodworks. They talk about how they liked you and wanted to ask you out on a date? If not, you are in luck. That has been my life for the past couple of months. I am a unique soul because I do find a lot of men attractive: I am a twink Asian who finds bears, twinks, Asians, White and a plethora of other men attractive. I am someone who’d like to consider myself a very body positive person. It’s not what they look like that matters to me, it’s more about personality. 

A proposal of a date is quite far from what I am looking for now. I would rather just have my quarantine bae and cuddle through the cupping season. But like life has it, things show up when you least expect it. 

The year was 2020. Place was San Francisco. The night like any other night except there was a bit more wine consumption than anticipated. I had spent the night calling upon an old flings. One in particular I had texted prior with the premise of informing him of my life updates: laid off, a divorce, and moving locations. This one in particular stuck out because it was only a block away from where he was staying the last time we hung out, which was about 1 or 2 years ago. It was a coincidence that when I mentioned I was moving to his part of the city, that he asked who I was moving in with. There was a poly gay guy and a straight guy. 

He proceeded to ask for their names, I gave them both names. In response, he mentioned that he knew my gay, attractive, polyamourous housemate. My new housemate is fun and likes to game, something they shared in common. I noticed the connection between my friend and my new housemate. 

So conversation lent an opening to talk more about more than just topical things. We spent the next few days texting about our lives and how we view the world. It was nice to reconnect with him. I have been bad on my end of catching up with some of the people in my life. But that is how life works in a pandemic. Some friends just drop off the face of the planet, others find some new hobbies, but in that time people lose connection with others. It’s okay, that’s fine because some of those relationships will start again like no time has passed. 

To continue my story of reconnecting with an old fling after all. He was someone I went to university with and worked with as a resident advisor (RA). He was around my height, white, and super cute. His slick hair, hamster-like teeth, and sparkling personality had been weak on my knees. He was the one I was too timid to talk to much through our time in college. Thankfully we were able to reconnect. Catch up and hang out. I am most fortunate for his kindness. We did like any old gay acquaintance would do: complement one another on their looks, the new place and their accomplishments. We spent the night talking, watching Steven Universe, and cuddling. That’s all folks! He has a boyfriend and they are not non-monogamous. 

Reconnect. To those who are losing faith in life, I say don’t give up. Reach out to a friend, family member, or acquaintance who might get a smile from that message. Reach out to us and tell us how we are doing? We are rounding on a year of starting this blog.

And as always, stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights into happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

 -Your Friendly and Talkative Poly Guy 2

The Quest for Eggnog: Holiday Traditions Old & New

November 8, 2020 /

If one were to venture back into the annals of our instagram feed, one would find a photograph of a snow globe with the inscription “The Best Little Whore House in Campbell”. It’s a piece of christmas decoration my Grandmother would take pride in knowing I own, though the inscription would most certainly make her blush.  Who knows however, maybe she’d catch on to my little joke.  The Best Little Whore House in Texas, is one of her favorite musicals after all and there’s no reason such a moniker can’t host more than one meaning.    

Holiday traditions have always been a big affair in my household, even growing up.  I was blessed with two of every holiday, thanksgiving, christmas, new years.  I was also blessed with divorced parents.  From the outside it may have seemed strange, I was certainly one of the few families I knew who were divorced in my circle of friends, but with a few bumps along the way, we made it work.  What has come of it all these years later is a blended family with blended traditions. 

So, what does a blushing grandmother & a divorced family with blended holiday traditions have to do with what you’re buying your paramours this holiday season one may ask? The answer is quite a bit.  Holidays can be stressful, and while I personally look forward to them with great adoration, I know for others they can be fraught with emotion & high levels of duress. Now on top of your crazy family, throw in a few paramours & lovers with their own conflicting expectations, and suddenly your white christmas may be washed red with wine, simply to save you from going insane.      

When I was a child I was determined that once I was a grown adult I would not have two of every holiday, nor would my children when visiting their grandparents.  My parents would have to settle their differences or go without.  To this day my sister and I love to sit back and laugh about this.  Truth is, no one wants my parents in the same room together, it’s simply not a good fit and no one would enjoy themselves. And so, we have two Christmases, and two Thanksgivings, & separate new years, but you know what that’s ok.  It works for our family.  Sure we don’t necessarily get to celebrate on the day of, but what you come to realize is it doesn’t matter.  The date isn’t what is important, it’s the time you spend together when you do celebrate, whenever that is.  As I’ve grown older this adage has only become more true, now there are friends we want to see for the holidays, my fiance’s/boyfriend’s own families, and even some private time for ourselves. It’s a wonderful problem to have, a multitude of loved ones to want to spend cherished time with.

Again I can see how this could be stressful.  I could see how some might feel jilted or left out or neglected.  Communication & coordination as always are key.  This year, in the world of this pandemic, I will sadly not get to see my family, though I miss them immensely.  However I will get to spend it cozied up at our (new) home in front of our (new) fireplace with both my fiance and our boyfriends.  Then when this is all over, or maybe next year we will find the opportunity to celebrate with our families & friends as well. Is it ideal? No, but we’ve adapted to make the most of it. While this is an extreme case, being adaptable & flexible goes a long way to having a happy & stress free holiday any year.  

Long before I came out as poly, I came out as gay.  Most of my family was accepting, but there were a few small hiccups here and there with a few members.  This caused me some stress in those early years, and because of it there were a few holiday dinners I opted to excuse myself from.  As I said earlier, holidays are a big deal for me & so is family, which made the choice all the more harder, but at the time was the right one.  Instead of lamenting about what was lost I took the opportunity to throw a friendsgiving and invite others over for our own celebration. It will remain one of my fondest holiday memories.  Over the years those hiccups with the family have been smoothed out and we have been able to recapture those family celebrations I’ve missed. 

That doesn’t mean the friendsgiving or holiday parties have stopped now that we spend time with the family again.  No it just means we have a busier holiday calendar.  The celebrations have morphed over time, expanded & contracted as relationships ebb and flow, rather than adhering to a strict tradition we’ve allowed the celebrations to morph as they need. The general outline remains the same, dinner, baking, wine, gift giving, houses full of people put the script is ever changing. 

It was last year after one such warm and gleeful evening that I purchased that snow globe.  I’m a sucker for christmas decorations as it were, and in the afterglow of the celebration the Best Little Whore House we created in Campbell only seemed fitting.  This isn’t a typical post about poly and navigating its waters, this is a post about the holidays and making the most of them.  You’ve spent the whole year trying to grow & nurture those relationships and those people who are important to you.  Take the next few weeks to simply be with them & celebrate that love and be happy.  God knows we could all use a little bit of that this year.   

-Always in love & wool socks for the cold weather,

Poly Guy 1

Pumpkins, Turkeys, & Cards Oh My… Some of the Holiday Traditions

November 8, 2020 /

Hello friends, welcome back and this week we will be dedicating our time to talk about some of our holiday traditions. It usually seems like the last three months of the year always seem to go by so fast, even this year. Maybe it’s a mixture of weather, Daylight saving, a Presidential election, or a global pandemic. Nevertheless, the holidays are a time to come together, to celebrate, and give thanks to the people closest in our lives.  When speaking about such people it can span our biological family, to chosen family, to friends, and expand to our lover(s). This year holiday traditions will be dramatically altered due to a global pandemic and restrictions/ practices in place.

One of the more recently added holiday traditions is going to the pumpkin patch in October. It’s a kickoff activity for the Fall season and also essential for Halloween celebration if you like carving pumpkins. Growing up, my parents always took my sister and I to the local grocery store to select our pumpkins from a barrel. Though this wasn’t a moment documented in our photo albums, it was the carving of Disney-themed pumpkins that made it in. As I got older (more specifically in college), I noticed through social media that some people that went to pumpkin patches to get their seasonal gourd. This thought blew my mind.

When I did get old enough to put aside funds for holiday activities as such, it was to instill more of a tradition than I had growing up. This simple tradition started about five years ago with friends and eventually shared with loved ones. Even in the midst of a pandemic, I’ve found a way to keep this tradition alive. In years prior, After picking out our pumpkins we’ve done a pumpkin carving session, while watching Hocus Pocus. This year I decided to forgo those plans and grab a warty pumpkin, which is also referred to as a “knucklehead” pumpkin. It seemed more appropriate for the wacky year.

As the ghoulish nights come to a close, with peacoats taken out for the first time of the season, it’s time to make the switch to Thanksgiving decor. It starts with unpacking a metal Thanksgiving pumpkin making kit that easily stucks into our uncarved pumpkins to create a turkey facade. This also means taking out the various decorations I’ve accumulated over the years. Another major tradition of mine includes a Friendsgiving. This traditional dinner party will be tailored much differently than in years past. 

The housemates and I have decided to limit the amount of guests in the house this year to twelve people total. In line with other social gathering guidelines, we strive to be conscious of how to apply safe practices. We have kindly asked for everyone coming to also get a Covid test (nasal swab) and share results before coming to the event. Though the nasal swabs are not 100% accurate, the test will give some insight into a person’s health status. In these stirring times some people have chosen to create a “pod,” which is a small group of people who agree to socialize together. 

This year’s Friendsgiving will be small and intimate, with various smaller gatherings among  my pods. Living with healthcare professionals can bring in their own risk as well. I try to be transparent with all friends and family before seeing them in an enclosed space. I know many friends will not be comfortable with the idea of physically gathering so I’ve also made a zoom event to still allow people to congregate and converse on one of the busiest times of years. Many of you may judge me for hosting an in-person Friendsgiving, but this is also a pinnacle event as it will be the last in the house. I will be moving from my lovely home to an apartment with others later this month. 

Once my belly is full and heart content it’s time to transition into the final holiday of the year… Christmas. My traditions for this holiday are a mixture of various cultures and is basically a time to get together, enjoy the weather and look at the year in a review. One of the fondest memories from my childhood was going to the Christmas tree forest and cutting down our own tree. It was a tradition that we’d celebrate throughout my adolescents and slowly disappear as I began a young adult. It was quite sad to see traditions change with time, but sometimes they do or go away completely. Change does not mean that there’s no more trees for the holidays. As of two years now, to be more eco-conscious, I brought a potted white fir tree for an alternative to the fresh-cut or faux trees.

Lastly, a tradition that has been years in the making is sending out those pesky holiday cards. These are for my family, chosen family, and dear friends. It’s the only physical reminder to the many people I will not be able to see during the last month of the year. These cards allow people to know I am alive, while showing them a glimpse into my life over a year. While this tradition, like some of the others mentioned, was started with a partner, I’ve decided to continue these traditions because they have become a staple for the holiday season. 

In any case, we each have shown you some of our own traditions we’ve cultivated over the years. And to those who don’t celebrate the holidays, we hope you  find some joy from hearing some of our traditions during this time of the year. 

And as always, stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights into happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

-Your Friendly & Forever Bundled Poly Guy 2

Let’s Talk About Creating Boundaries

November 1, 2020 /

Hello friend, this week we will explore the an important topic that doesn’t only pertain to solo polyamory, but to people that practice variations of polyamory and other non-monogamy relationships. We received a question last week from someone, who was newly solo poly and had a question about how to create boundaries between their lovers to ensure there was no miscommunication about their whereabouts when with other lovers. This person likes to dedicate their time to whom they’re with by silencing their phone. They felt it was isolating to inform lovers they’re busy, especially when the lovers don’t ask about their plans.

For those who are unfamiliar with the term “solo poly” I will refer back to More Than Two’s definition: “An approach to polyamory that emphasizes agency and does not seek to engage in relationships that are tightly couple-centric. People who identify as solo poly emphasize autonomy, the freedom to choose their own relationships without seeking permission from others, and flexibility in the form their relationships take. Such people generally don’t want or need relationships to look like traditional couples, and may not, for example, seek to live with a partner (or partners) or combine finances with a partner (or partners).”

Let’s dive in, shall we? While there are various components to the initial question, the one that stuck out the most was the portion about creating boundaries. In theory, a healthy solo poly/ poly relationship, there is clear communication and transparency between each person. In practice, it can be harder to execute when there are many moving parts of the equation. As a recently single poly person I can share my own journey with disclosing information between lovers. 

One of the major reasons my last relationship ended was due to communication issues with my partner. Since then, I’ve been reluctant to start dating again because I wanted time to recenter. But as a famous musician, John Lennon, once said, “life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.” I’ve found myself currently casually seeing two guy. One who identifies as  polyamorous, the other does not but open to understanding the lifestyle. Whether or not your partner(s) are well informed about polyamory, I’ve found transparency as a step to creating boundaries. Being transparent with your partner(s)  creates a starting point to have a conversation about boundaries. Transparencies can include voicing your needs and wants, disclosing your plans, and so much more.

It is kind of interesting to see how these practices, like transparency, can spill into my social and family life as well. This past week I had a similar conversation, on separate occasions, with my mom and a friend about how I would resume our conversation after I respond to a text from someone. In both cases, the person reciprocated acknowledgement and understood my reasoning. I wanted to be there in the moment while also informing my lovers of my whereabouts. 

Just like a lot of things in life, creating boundaries is not a one size fits all scenario. In polyamory, there are so many factors to consider about your partner(s) before proceeding. Is your partner an extrovert, introvert, or a mix of the two? What are their love languages? What is their communication style? The list can go on and on when it comes to assessing how to create boundaries with a partner.  As an extrovert, I like to share, sometimes overshare with people in my life. I’ve learned that some are more receptive than others. 

Going back to the original question, the author asked, “How does one create a boundary to ensure I’m not lying to them about being with someone else that night, especially if they dont ask- do I just blurt out that I’m busy with a guest later?”  In response, I say it goes back to communication, to inform lovers about one another. I’ve found honesty to be the best policy, especially when dealing with people who do not identify as poly. It might be nerve-racking to send a text to a lover that you’ll be busy with another lover that evening, but it is a conversation that needs to be had if you do not want to keep them in the dark. Also how we deliver the information is crucial. Our delivery of a message, especially via text can be difficult, where there’s no tonation or gestures and the information can be misinterpreted. Instead of saying, “I am busy with a guest,” maybe try something along the lines of, “Hey, I am going to be with a friend tonight. So if I don’t text back, don’t worry. I really just want to give them my undivided attention.” It gives them transparency while communicating your honest intention. 

At the end of the day, the boundaries we create with our lovers/ partners is solely between the people involved. Such a topic can bring anxiety within ourselves, but it is an important conversation to be had if we hope to have a long-term relationship with various partners. Some advice I got from another poly person was that you establish rules and boundaries with your lovers/ partners and check in with them every so often. Check ins allow all parties to voice what does and doesn’t work in their previous agreement. It brings about the conversation for open dialogue to make changes and improvements. 

In any case, I hope my views and experiences have helped you navigate and shape your own poly lifestyle. For more information about the boundaries practices, check our post categorized: Rules & Boundaries. Thank you for tuning in and we’d love to hear some of your experiences and questions. And as always, stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights into happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

 -Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

De-Stigmatizing Polyamory: The Importance of Dialogue

September 28, 2020 /

This week we will talk about the stigma that we’ve faced around polyamory. Before talking about some of the stigma around polyamory, let’s talk about what other people are talking about on the subject matter. There is an article posted in 2019 by Medium called, APA Seeks to Remove Stigma of Polyamory. The articles talked about the American Psychology Association deploying a task force to look into “consensual non-monogamy” to help de-stigmatize the subject. Their goal was to “promote awareness and inclusivity about consensual non-monogamy and diverse expression of intimate relationships.” The task force doesn’t focus on polyamory solely, it includes other subsets of non-monogamy, such as open-relationships, “swinging,” and other types of relationships. The writer writes how she empathized with the right for gay marriage, but had a difficult time when it came to legalizing polyamory.

With only a little over a year of exploration into the community, I have not mastered everything there is to know about the lifestyle, but I have made some effort to involve myself in the polyamory community since my recent divorce. Due to Covid it has been hard to meet more polyamourous people. In the meantime I have read various articles and am currently reading The Ethical Slut for the first time. My first source of polyamory and non-monogamy was More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory. This novel gave insight on fundamental and personal experiences on the subject matter.

One of the experiences that is a common thread throughout many of these articles is stigma. We all know that feeling, when approached with a decision of saying something out of turn but don’t because there is a hesitation. Or because we might be scared how people will judge us or see us. It comes in a variety of forms and is harmful to those trying to express themselves full-heartedly and openly. The dictionary definition of stigma is: A mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person. It can stem from internal or external forces. Stigma still exists in society around polyamory. 

There’s been a handful of times when I tell someone unfamiliar with polyamory that I am polyamorous, I then usually have to explain to them what that means. Their first response is typically along the lines of, “Oh so you like, can have sex with a bunch of people?” While it can be an honest attempt to engage in dialogue and understanding, it also paints a broad generalization that barely scratches the surface of what polyamory encompasses and can be a source of much misunderstanding and assumptions.

As can be gleaned from this example, these initial conversations can be one’s punctuated by awkwardness. However they are also an important first step when it comes to de-stigmatizing the notions around polyamory. Opening up dialogue and conversation around the topic allows for engagement and inquiry, which in turn helps to expand understanding. 

After opening up the conversation, we have to do our part in educating people. Knowledge is power. Some don’t know what to think. It almost reminds me of first time someone called me gay. I was in middle school and this adjective wasn’t endearing by any means. I didn’t know what that was so I asked and got an answer in return. While I do identify as gay now, back then I was totally confused by the concept.  Polyamory can invoke a similar reaction. For many, the vocabulary surrounding and related to the subject, is not part of their own lexicon.  The words lack (or import the wrong) meaning, definition, and history.  They have nothing on to which to hang the overarching concepts. That remains our job for now, to help people build that vocabulary & base of knowledge and in turn, again, understanding.

I’ve had positive and negatives reactions when coming out as polyamorous. Some of my close friends can’t empathize with the subject, but still show support in other ways. On the other hand there has been no shortage of nasty remarks on the life I choose to live. Dating in 2020 is slim. Most I can do to inform people on these online dating apps is to include a tidbit about polyamory. Yes, some people who I’ve matched with question the polyamory aspect, while others just delete my profile or block me. When there’s a guy who isn’t frightened by my lifestyle and inquiries more is what makes my day. 

Combating stigma is one of the main reasons we started this blog in the first place, along with sharing our personal experiences. Our voice provides a snapshot into how polyamory can succeed or fail and the various components that surround it. 

Thank you for tuning in and we’d love to hear some of your experiences as well. And as always, stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights into happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

 -Always In Love, From Your Friendly Poly Guy 1 & 2  

Shakespeare in Love: The Import of Nicknames

September 14, 2020 /

I’ve had an infatuation with nicknames since I was young, it started with watching TV shows and watching animated groups of kids referring to each by code names they had created together.  That infatuation has carried over into my adult life.  A number of people in my life have one.  It is rarely something that can be forced.  More something that occurs over time, inspired often by the relationship itself and the experiences that define it.

I call my Fiance, Handsome, because one day it occurred to me I didn’t tell him he was near as much as I thought I should.  If I always referred to him as such, then he would be constantly reminded.  My co-conspirator I refer to as Mama Bear, because on more than one occasion, I have traipsed behind this individual through a dark and crowded dance floor as he attends to the others in the group.  Regardless if he’s one or four drinks in, he always has tabs on the others, an admirable quality.  My boyfriend I refer to as Jellybean & he refers to me as Skittlez.  On my phone is a photo folder called the Mars Bars Candy Co, in which we share photos.  Why we refer to each other by such names.  I can’t even begin to tell you.  I have not the slightest clue where they come from; they just seem to fit us. I could list a dozen others that have come and gone over time.  Sunshine, Bug, Tater-Tot, Tim Tam, Boo Boo, Dude, Whitey Wack, Hubs, Friend….Each one of these nicknames is tied to a person, a time, a place, & a well of emotions & memories.  Some of them were mine and some of them belonged to the other individual.

For myself, I’ve always enjoyed the uniqueness these nicknames imbue. Again I’ve never tried to force a nickname.  Those times I have, it has almost always failed and, in fact, felt forced.  When they happen organically over time, sometimes, I don’t even realize they’ve manifested. Then I will refer to that person by their nickname when speaking to an outside individual and in return get a confused look.  To those outside of the dynamic these nicknames hold no symbolism or meaning. They may be seen as cute or cheesy, but some descriptors fail to capture the depth and meaning built into these nicknames.  

Nicknames are a manifestation of who that person is to me and the bond we’ve developed.  That connection is something that can only be developed over time, which is not to say the duration must be long, but meaningful and/or impactful. Each nickname is unique, they’re often only applicable & usable by those with-in the relationship. If that were ever unclear, try calling someone by a nickname you know they go by, but you don’t use for them yourself.  Chances are it will feel odd on your tongue.

In the end nicknames are a way for me to express my affection and to build a connection with others.  To me the vocabulary makes sense.  I know for others, nicknames don’t hold as large an import.  And that’s ok. The important lesson here is that we find ways to express our affection that is true to who we are.   

-Always in Love, Poly Guy 1

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