Welcome! Tonight we continue our conversation with Boy Nerd:
Poly Guy 2: I was going to ask if your ethnicity played a factor into polyamory? And if it does, how so?
Boy Nerd: I feel like it does, not in my decision between polyamory or monogamy, but rather how I navigate the dynamics. Growing up in such a white area, such as Portland, there definitely was a mold and a box that society placed on minorities. Especially those who have intersectional identities as I do… being queer, Asian, and also submissive. It can be hard to navigate. Coming to San Francisco was amazing, where the mold is essentially broken, where there is so much representation of people breaking the mold and who are succeeding… For example, those who are queer, Asian and a dominant (Dom). To break that whole mold, I have to begin unraveling the model minority, also a submissive model minority, that I’ve used to satisfy the dynamics of my relationships.
It wasn’t until I came here that I started to reflect, think back, and work out a lot of -isms. I really had to contend with a lot of the ideas I grew up with like the pleasing dynamic: of being the people pleaser and being okay with things even though I was not okay with things. It was definitely apparent in my first relationship because I was still being newly exposed to the world of being gay and being gay without the fear of family overlooking your shoulder. Y’all know how that is.
Coming here was more liberating because there was more representation of how to break that mold. Even then with my last D/s’ dynamic, though he prided himself on not being a racist, he would still retain some prejudicial tendencies. For example, as a white man, he felt like he could make jokes because he’s dating x, y, z minorities.
I had to contend with, San Francisco, as the epicenter of justice, where so many movements began, such as queer rights movement. And yet it still doesn’t mean that all of us have had our shit figured out. I had to try to fight the tendency to be a people pleaser with my last Dom… Yes, I am Asian, doesn’t mean I am going to be okay with everything that you are saying, much less the jokes that center around my race.
As a counselor, I definitely fall under the feminist theory, in the sense our identities shape our experience and our intersectional identities play with and against each other; in a tug of war fashion. While I found empowerment with my Asian and queer identity in the city, my submissive identity was pulling me back. I remember thinking to myself, “Wait, he’s your Sir, he’s your Dom, you need to respect what he says”. And at the same time, my Asianess and queerness was like, “No that’s not okay, not at all! If he really was my Sir or Dom, he would listen to me and do his best to change his behavior,”.
Poly Guy 2: I do also think ethnicity does play a role, especially when we live in such a bubble in the SF, Bay Area, where everything is okay and cool for the most part. It is nice to get another perspective on this topic.
Boy Nerd: I think it definitely helped shape my polyamorous dynamics, in both dynamics. Because I feel like they’d be okay with some of the problematic things they were doing.
Poly Guy 1: Like what?
Boy Nerd: Like making jokes about my culture. Using a very racist and stereotypical accent and pretending like I was a boy wh*re from Thailand. The expectation of me being okay with being in the submissive role even though there are Dom tendencies that I am exploring or wanting to explore, and them not offering the chance for me to do that. Even though in my last Dom’s group, with other boys, he fostered those Dom tendencies.
Poly Guy 1: How aware were you of your partner’s paramours dynamics and what was the communication like?
Boy Nerd: I want to say the communication was somewhat open in both relationships. With my first poly experience if he’s not going to be with me, he was with his Dominatrix in Portland. He’d be honest about it and that was a matter of logistics.
With my second poly experience, he felt safe and comfortable to talk to me about things that were going on. He valued our deep conversations. All of his submissives were around my age or younger. I felt that he valued that I’m young, but I’m educated, I’m going to graduate school, and can articulate my feelings in a way some of his other submissives couldn’t.
I would get a sneak peek into his mind, experience, and process (mental and emotional). I remember that we tried to have a Google Calendar with all our availabilities because there would be times we’d all want to be together but it didn’t work out.
Poly Guy 1: So at least with your last Dom, there was an overlapping of individuals in the relationship?
Boy Nerd: Yes, that was true when I was living with him and one of his submissives.
Poly Guy 1: How long did you all live together?
Boy Nerd: I lived with them for about 2 weeks when I first moved here. It was an in between time between when graduate school started and my lease started. It was temporary. Then I left that lease and I was with them for about a month and a half. That was a really rough experience and that is a part of the reason for leaving the relationship. Being around your partners in close proximity, in a small townhouse, you learn a lot about each other. You really figure out the nuances of being in each other’s space.
Poly Guy 2: So, were you and the other submissives not allowed to date other people?
Boy Nerd: In the second dynamic, we talked about it. He was okay with me playing with other people with rules in place. But having a relationship with another Dom, in theory he was okay with but in reality, with me especially… there was a bit of possessiveness. In the spirit of polyamory, in theory he would say “Yes, you are good to date another person”, but I know the moment I found somebody and brought it to light, he would be very upset.
