This week we took the opportunity to talk to an individual who is outside of our polycule & their perspective on their experience in the world of poly. Enjoy!
Poly Guy 1: Thanks for talking with us today. Why don’t we start with a little bit of background on your experience with polyamory. You’ve been a part of a polyamourous relationship before. Is that correct?
Boy Nerd: Yes! I’ve been in two so far.
Poly Guy 2: Can you elaborate on those experiences? What were the dynamics like in each of those relationships?
Boy Nerd: First I’d start off by saying I learned about polyamory through my introduction to the kink community at the age of 20. My introduction to the kink community was through the lense of polyamory. Initially I assumed everyone identified with some element of polyamory.
Upon entering the kink community I became a submissive, because I was still learning and it I gravitated the role. I maintain that even now, because it’s one of the ways I express myself and identify, and how I navigate that realm.
The two relationships were very different in the way that the polyamorous dynamic played out. The hierarchies were very different from each other.
In my first relationship, the way that I envisioned it was, as a totem pole. Depending on your rank, how much power you had, and who submitted to who, would dictate what your rank was on the totem pole.
At the very top was a Mistress, a Dominatrix, and below her, her three boys, who were her submissives. One of her three boys was my Alpha, which put me right at the bottom.
That was the way it was structured. It wasn’t very sustainable and honestly, was very isolating for me. I didn’t feel I had anybody to talk to or connect with, aside from my Alpha. Even then, he had to split his time between his Mistress & I. Compounding that, at the time, though he identified (still does) as bi, he had a lot of internalized homophobia. It reflected in how we interacted, in the sense that he wanted to spend more time with his mistress, because I felt that’s what he was more familiar and comfortable with. That in itself did a number on me for many years. A lot of mental & emotional scarring, but that we can talk about at another time.
The second relationship, the most recent one, was more like a hand. There was a singular Dom, so he was like the palm, and each finger was a submissive. The submissives weren’t exactly connected together, but we had the opportunity to create relationships with one another, if we desired to.
I do recall once where my Dom encouraged me and one of his boys to form a romantic relationship, but we did not click for a number of reasons. Personality, chemistry, and jealousy being some of the main reasons. Other than that, I never really got to a level where I connected romantically with his other subs. Instead it gradually became more like a competition, with each vying to monopolize our Dom’s time. While it was predominantly our job to self-mediate, our Dom wasn’t always able to help the situation. I felt it was part of his responsibility to help step-in and diffuse some of the tension and mediate at times. Ultimately it led to problems festering and it corroded my relationship.
Poly Guy 1: Were you the only one that left the relationship? Or was there more of an implosion?
Boy Nerd: Well…funny story. I met my Dom, in this relationship, at a time when he had a lot of life changes happening, a number of which were not positive. He didn’t react well to those changes. I felt he tried to supplement those changes, by essentially collecting new boys. I saw it grow from three boys to seven or eight and then shrink back down to three.
Poly Guy 2: Wow! That’s a lot! That’s amazing!
Boy Nerd: Yeah, amazing in a good way & a bad way too. He had the personality to attract these guys, but not to maintain the relationships. It didn’t help that they all happened one after the other.
Poly Guy 2: How close together?
Boy Nerd: I think it was around every few months or so. I’d get a new text message essentially saying I’m thinking of collaring a new boy. It felt a little like he was playing collectibles with us.
Poly Guy 1: This sounds like a one sided relationship. Was it? Did you have any input when it came to these new guys?
Boy Nerd: Yes and no. I felt like he & I had a really great connection. Deeper than some of his other boys. He would ask for my input and advice, especially when it came to someone new, and I would give him my honest input.
Poly Guy 2: Was he someone that was polyamorous before you met him?
Boy Nerd: Yes, he’d delved into it about 5 years before me I believe. That was unlike my Alpha from my first polyamorous relationship. He was still figuring the scene out alongside me at the time.
Poly Guy 2: So previously you had learned about polyamory through the kink community is that how you met both of your doms? Through the kink community?
Boy Nerd: Yes. I met both of them online. My Alpha, who was the one to introduction me kink and poly, I meet through a gay dating site while we were both in college. My second Dom, I met through tumblr at a time when we were both running kink blogs.
Poly Guy 2: Now with both of these relationships, were they both long distance?
Boy Nerd: With my Alpha, we were relatively close. He was the next college town over. I’d see him about once every other weekend. With the Dom, it started off as a long distance relationship, as we lived in different states, and transitioned in time once I moved closer.
Poly Guy 1: So I’m curious for you poly & kink are tied fairly close together. I mean you were introduced to both practically simultaneously. How did that challenge or align your mental models around relationships and how they manifested?
Boy Nerd: I definitely had to do some mental acrobatics, because it was a complete shift from what I grew up with. At the time when I met my Alpha I still believed in the traditional construct of monogamy, and my view of the kink community was warped to align with a very traditional understanding of sex. That being said, I was so eager to learn, that I kind of dived in head first, and decided I‘d figure out my feelings and the rest as I went along. I tried to enjoy the moment.
Poly Guy 1: Looking back on the experiences you’ve had. How do you view relationships now?
Boy Nerd: I’m not restricting myself in the sense that I’m only looking for either a monogamous relationship or a polyamorous relationship. I feel that would be too limiting. I’m, foremost, looking for a strong connection with someone. Then together we can navigate what relationship structure works best for us.
I’ve had good experiences in my poly-dynamics, even though we’ve all since broken up. I still have moments that I treasured immensely, and still do. I see the value in having a polyamorous relationship, but I also see the value in having a monogamous relationship. I think it depends largely on the individuals involved, and their own experiences as well. Again it’s something we’d figure it out together, with me and whoever else is involved.
Poly Guy 1: Setting the polyamory element aside for a second. I wanted to touch base on the kink element. From the beginning we’ve heard how it’s been intertwined with your own identity and your relationships. Can you speak to that more?
Boy Nerd: I think it’s something that has always spoken to me, but whether I was receptive to hearing it or listening to it was a completely different thing.
When people ask me about my kink journey, I like to say, “Well, it really started when I was a kid watching Saturday morning cartoons,”. There was always that storyline, like in the Justice Friends or similar shows, where it was “another day in paradise” and then “someone would be kidnapped” and the “others would have to rush to save them”. Without fail the person kidnapped was always tied up when they finally found them and rescued them. So because of that I was constantly exposed to the concept of somebody being tied up. For some reason that really jived with me, I really enjoyed it.
It’s never something I myself physically experienced as a kid, but it’s something I think I could imagine myself in. Being in that vulnerable position and someone coming to rescue me. Of course I didn’t think anything of it at the time. I was a kid, I had bigger fish to fry like learning the alphabet.
It wasn’t until I started my sexual journey much later, when I discovered sex and porn, that I realized “Oh! You can have sex, AND be tied up at the same time!”. There was one image in particular that stuck with me. It was a Dominatrix with her sub, they were both gorgeous. They were outside. He had these leather pants on, but he was handcuffed. He was looking up at her with such submission & adoration. I remember thinking, “I want more of that. Where can I find more of that?”.
Over time, from that point on, I discovered more kink, but it was also so intense that it made me hesitate and question my initial interest. On top of that I was realizing that I was attracted more to the guys in the scenes I saw, which felt bizarre. So I was going to have to figure that out too. You can see it was a lot for me to unpack and work through over time.
Poly Guy 1: It definitely sounds like it! Hearing how intertwined kink is with your sexual identity and your relationships. I think my next question would be, you self-identify as submissive. How would that piece of your identity factor into what you are looking for in terms of another partner or relationship?
Boy Nerd: I think at the very least I would be looking for openness and acceptance. I don’t need that one person to be my dom. If they felt they couldn’t provide that for me, I’d hope that they’d understand I’d want to seek that role out in another individual. In doing so, that doesn’t mean we couldn’t have a deep emotional or physical connection, but more that I would have an outlet for fulfilling a personal need without imposing or demanding something of my partner they didn’t necessarily feel comfortable providing.
Stay tuned next week for the conclusion to this discussion!!!
