Being poly has only shone a brighter light on that which I had already known to be true. I have to work at relationships. I have to communicate and commit and be open to hearing that maybe my way isn’t always the right way (I had a great example of this one very fine morning as I sipped some coffee that my boy-friend tried very hard to persuade me not to buy).
As I settle more and more into the lifestyle I have chosen to maintain. I’ve had the time to experience more within the realms of my own relationships and also had the opportunity to reflect on those experiences. In this small window that I’ve had (Keeping in mind my journey, I would argue, is still its infancy at less than 5 years), there are a few things that have stood out to me. Some are positive, some negative, but all valuable. Let’s take a moment to look at a few of these now.
Perhaps one of my favorite revelations is that falling in love can happen more than once and concurrently without detriment to those relationships that are existing. We’ve talked about this subject here before. It starts with a spark and rolls into new relationship energy, where it goes from there is anyone’s guess. Sometimes it ends up in a new relationship, other times a solid friendship, and in others still a passionate one time fling. That journey is exciting to me. What this revelation has done for me is allow me to process those emotions without feeling as if I’m somehow cheating my existing relationships or putting them in jeopardy.
In past monogamous relationships that is something I have dealt with, where I’ve brushed-up against or crossed-paths with an individual, who for whatever reason or another, draws me to them like a magnet. It can be scary in those situations! There was a pull to understand that magnetism and it was conflicted by a fear that in doing so, it somehow spelt doom for my current relationship. What a poly dynamic does allows you to do, however, is to explore those feelings in a safe and understanding environment. The environment takes away this notion that somehow you’re seeking out some forbidden or poisoned fruit and instead normalizes what are very common human emotions and responses.
Moving on to the second part of that revelation, the idea that falling is love is not a linear process. Falling in love with my boyfriend did not mean I was falling-out of love with my finance’. All the change meant was, I had another person to love. New relationships can be seen as a threat because they can shake up the status quo. Which is probably the biggest fear for me. It is in essence, the uncertainty it can bring to a relationship. However, it does not mean someone is loved any less, simply that adjustments might need to be made in our schedules and feelings, which should be discussed anyways, take a front seat in these discussions. That statement is also not isolated to new relationships exclusively. The same could be said of many changes, a new career, a new hobby, growing a family…..Change happens in a variety of forms and with it uncertainty.
Being Poly has taught me to be ok with the unknown in a relationship, and if not ok, at least not to run away scared. There is a lot to unpack in opening oneself up to multiple relationships, however many someone chooses to maintain. Two, three, ten (lord save that individual). The scary part is, many of us, myself included, can feel like we’re wading into uncharted territory. We don’t get a dearth of self-help books to walk us through every aspect of our relationships. Instead we have a, we’ll call it budding, reservoir of knowledge that is slowly trickling into mainstream. Until then, we don’t get to look at the couple next store and say hey! Look it worked for them, we can figure it out too! We get to scratch our head and go well fuck. Now what do we do?
I’ve had partner’s look at me for answers and all I can say is I don’t know. That’s scary! But also exciting! But scary! We have to forge our own path in a lot of ways, and trust in those we love that we’re heading in the same direction. Or at least one of us is leaving a trail of crumbs for the other to find when they get lost. Learning that it’s ok not to have all the answers can be as liberating as it is terrifying. It takes the pressure off of any one individual and makes it the responsibility of the whole to work out a solution. Everyone gets to feel as if they’re collectively building towards a better…something.
Poly has taught me a few new tricks, but what it’s really done is shown me that if I want my relationship(s) to shine I have to put in the work. That the end result is worth the effort. Because the fact of the matter is you will, by choice or by force, have to make a decision and work towards it or accept it. Wouldn’t you rather be at the table helping when you can?
-Always in Love, Poly Guy 1
