My co-conspirator could have not have said it any better. This year has been an adventure. Writing this blog & slowly dipping our toes into the world of poly at large. It is one thing to experience at the individual level & another to engage others and hear their stories and perspectives. In a year of cascading and downward trending notes, this blog has been a high note. As we close out this year and the polydays we’ll leave you with this last post & look towards an exciting new year.
When my partner and I first started opening up our relationship, we created a joint account on, well, a number of apps honestly. A majority of the responses were par for the course, introductions, the usual questions, maybe an encounter or maybe ghosting. Sounds terrible, but one does become a bit inoculated after a while. Also we actually did meet a number of really amazing guys. Some were bright passionate sparks who evaporated as quickly as they appeared. Others are still around in some capacity or another & are individuals I consider dear friends. Regardless their duration they have left behind (or continue to create) fond memories .
In the midst of all that though. There were, & remain, a few interactions that stand-out as a shining example of how truly ugly and vain, society, gay culture specifically in this case, can be. On two separate occasions I can recall opening the app to find we had a message from someone who messaged us for the sole purpose of criticising our looks. I don’t remember the specific language, but I do remember the shock of reading the message. The casual cruelty online anonymity so easily provides a platform for, while it comes as no shock to anyone, it was the first time it had ever been directed at me personally. The feelings the messages brought up were ones of confusion & mostly surprise, and throw in a tinge of anger & offense of course.
I would soon learn we were one the lucky ones. Where we had received the rare vitriol filled message, others of my friends were bombarded constantly by such messages. People I knew to be incredible individuals and beautiful all-around. It broke my heart and angered me all at the same time. Some of them weathered it and let it roll off their back, but others took each and every comment to heart. Regardless the reaction it was clear it took a toll on everyone of them & how could it not? We all have insecurities. Regardless the direction the attack comes from, it plays right into our fears & only seems to reinforce something we already believe about ourselves, even when it’s untrue.
Each time I received those messages I deleted them. The thought crossed my mind to respond, to provide some retort, but the truth was, nothing I would say would change their response & did it matter? Instead I blocked the profile, deleted the message, and moved on. I clearly think about it from time to time, how can I not? It was so casually cruel for no other reason than to inflict pain.
So what exactly is the lesson here? Why do I bother bringing up a seemingly miserable experience when I should be trending towards a high note & uplifting your spirits? For starters, to remind people, and I cannot stress this enough, don’t be a dick. It’s really that simple. Just don’t do it. Outside of this sage bit of advice however, I bring it up because, while yes cruelty does happen (painfully too often) so can beauty and caring. The important voices, the ones that mattered, were the ones that loved us, supported us, & lifted us up. They loved us, for being us, flaws and all, which is a wonderful feeling.
Body image is an interesting thing. There are fewer things we, as human beings, are more critical of than our own skin. Fear of gaining too much weight, losing hair, a crooked smile, or a second toe that is longer than the big toe. These are just a few of my own foibles, but the list is as endless and as varied, as there are individuals on this Earth. The number of times I’ve looked in a mirror and found a flaw in the reflection is beyond counting. The truth however is I should learn to be far less critical than I am, not an easy task, but the alternative is eating away at my own self-confidence & shaming myself for being what no one else can be, myself.
