I still remember that naive freshman version of myself, so excited to start a new chapter in my life, both educational and sexual. Within the first quarter, I came out as gay to one of my best friends, The Engineer Trainee, and met a boy. He had that suave punk-rock band look to him with a curtain role model haircut. We met at a student government assembly for our dorm. He sat directly across me and made some ridiculous faces. I had to take a look around me to make sure that his gestures were intended for me. And they were. After the meeting we chatted for a bit and exchanged numbers.
Flash forward to our first date, it was on campus because there wasn’t much for low-funded students to do off campus. We decided to meet up one afternoon for coffee and a rock band show. We got our coffees, found a grassy section in the middle of the quad and began divulging into each other’s lives. “How many boyfriends do you have?”, he asked. It was zero at the time but I didn’t want to tell him that so I said two. “Have you had sex yet?”, I was truthful and said no. He chuckled. I then asked “How many guys have you slept with?”, and his response was, “Honestly, I don’t know.” 19-year-old me was shocked. How do you not know this number? Not even a ballpark? After that the mood had become different for the rest of the date.
A couple days later I ask what changed. He explained to me that he’d wish his first time was with someone special. That it had ruined his view of sex and he didn’t want to continue pursuing our relationship because he wanted my first time to be different than his. I didn’t understand it. I wanted him so bad and did foolish things as a result. I started smoking because he smoked and eventually had sex with some guy to spite him.
Monogamy:
Since my first attempt I’ve learned what sex is, how it plays into a healthy relationship, and how it can affect emotions. I was in several monogamous relationship where sex was sacred. Sex was our connection; we shared with one another and no one else. As I grew and explored the parameters of these relationships, I broke some hearts by some variation of cheating. It was devastating. But after several haircuts and bleaching sessions I was ready to try again.
Open-relationship:
Once my partner and I were reunited after my study abroad, we decided to stay open. It was in our best interest because our sexual chemistry had changed. I felt weird about hooking up with other guys with him. This led to a change in my view of sex: from this soul-bonding experience between me and another person, to something more casual. We continued to have sexual relations with several guys, nothing serious. I had issues hearing about some of his encounters, it might have been internalized jealousy (a topic we’ll talk about). At the time, I didn’t question my needs or feelings and how to utilize communication to get past the issues.
Non-monogamy:
It wasn’t till we started our journey into non-monogamy that I realized sex is sex. Our relationship still retained a component of intimacy, but also embraced a different aspect of it. We were introduced to various guys, who were sex-positive and did not slut-shame one another for their sexual desires. Our sexual needs fluctuate and change, which was okay. Since we both still love each other, sex wasn’t such a driving force within our relationship like it was in my monogamous past.
Overall, when it comes to sex in a polyamorous setting, my views have shifted. It’s not everything. Sex (sexual relationships) and love (romanctic relationships) do not have to equate to one another. We open up ourselves, physically and emotionally, and the outcome is our own. This is just one take on sex. Other polyamorous people may have a different narrative and that’s okay. We should celebrate each person’s efforts to discover themselves. There isn’t a clear path to navigate our sexual desires. A very wise friend once texted, “Poly is always an ongoing communication thing. If feelings happen, positive or negative, it’s important to feel okay to express them, and then find a way to address them.” The same can be said about sexual discovery and the journey to it.
– Your Friendly Poly Guy 2
