This week we will talk about the stigma that we’ve faced around polyamory. Before talking about some of the stigma around polyamory, let’s talk about what other people are talking about on the subject matter. There is an article posted in 2019 by Medium called, APA Seeks to Remove Stigma of Polyamory. The articles talked about the American Psychology Association deploying a task force to look into “consensual non-monogamy” to help de-stigmatize the subject. Their goal was to “promote awareness and inclusivity about consensual non-monogamy and diverse expression of intimate relationships.” The task force doesn’t focus on polyamory solely, it includes other subsets of non-monogamy, such as open-relationships, “swinging,” and other types of relationships. The writer writes how she empathized with the right for gay marriage, but had a difficult time when it came to legalizing polyamory.
With only a little over a year of exploration into the community, I have not mastered everything there is to know about the lifestyle, but I have made some effort to involve myself in the polyamory community since my recent divorce. Due to Covid it has been hard to meet more polyamourous people. In the meantime I have read various articles and am currently reading The Ethical Slut for the first time. My first source of polyamory and non-monogamy was More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory. This novel gave insight on fundamental and personal experiences on the subject matter.
One of the experiences that is a common thread throughout many of these articles is stigma. We all know that feeling, when approached with a decision of saying something out of turn but don’t because there is a hesitation. Or because we might be scared how people will judge us or see us. It comes in a variety of forms and is harmful to those trying to express themselves full-heartedly and openly. The dictionary definition of stigma is: A mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person. It can stem from internal or external forces. Stigma still exists in society around polyamory.
There’s been a handful of times when I tell someone unfamiliar with polyamory that I am polyamorous, I then usually have to explain to them what that means. Their first response is typically along the lines of, “Oh so you like, can have sex with a bunch of people?” While it can be an honest attempt to engage in dialogue and understanding, it also paints a broad generalization that barely scratches the surface of what polyamory encompasses and can be a source of much misunderstanding and assumptions.
As can be gleaned from this example, these initial conversations can be one’s punctuated by awkwardness. However they are also an important first step when it comes to de-stigmatizing the notions around polyamory. Opening up dialogue and conversation around the topic allows for engagement and inquiry, which in turn helps to expand understanding.
After opening up the conversation, we have to do our part in educating people. Knowledge is power. Some don’t know what to think. It almost reminds me of first time someone called me gay. I was in middle school and this adjective wasn’t endearing by any means. I didn’t know what that was so I asked and got an answer in return. While I do identify as gay now, back then I was totally confused by the concept. Polyamory can invoke a similar reaction. For many, the vocabulary surrounding and related to the subject, is not part of their own lexicon. The words lack (or import the wrong) meaning, definition, and history. They have nothing on to which to hang the overarching concepts. That remains our job for now, to help people build that vocabulary & base of knowledge and in turn, again, understanding.
I’ve had positive and negatives reactions when coming out as polyamorous. Some of my close friends can’t empathize with the subject, but still show support in other ways. On the other hand there has been no shortage of nasty remarks on the life I choose to live. Dating in 2020 is slim. Most I can do to inform people on these online dating apps is to include a tidbit about polyamory. Yes, some people who I’ve matched with question the polyamory aspect, while others just delete my profile or block me. When there’s a guy who isn’t frightened by my lifestyle and inquiries more is what makes my day.
Combating stigma is one of the main reasons we started this blog in the first place, along with sharing our personal experiences. Our voice provides a snapshot into how polyamory can succeed or fail and the various components that surround it.
Thank you for tuning in and we’d love to hear some of your experiences as well. And as always, stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights into happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.
-Always In Love, From Your Friendly Poly Guy 1 & 2
