Category: Uncategorized (Page 2 of 3)

This week we will talk about the stigma that we’ve faced around polyamory. Before talking about some of the stigma around polyamory, let’s talk about what other people are talking about on the subject matter. There is an article posted in 2019 by Medium called, APA Seeks to Remove Stigma of Polyamory. The articles talked about the American Psychology Association deploying a task force to look into “consensual non-monogamy” to help de-stigmatize the subject. Their goal was to “promote awareness and inclusivity about consensual non-monogamy and diverse expression of intimate relationships.” The task force doesn’t focus on polyamory solely, it includes other subsets of non-monogamy, such as open-relationships, “swinging,” and other types of relationships. The writer writes how she empathized with the right for gay marriage, but had a difficult time when it came to legalizing polyamory.

With only a little over a year of exploration into the community, I have not mastered everything there is to know about the lifestyle, but I have made some effort to involve myself in the polyamory community since my recent divorce. Due to Covid it has been hard to meet more polyamourous people. In the meantime I have read various articles and am currently reading The Ethical Slut for the first time. My first source of polyamory and non-monogamy was More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory. This novel gave insight on fundamental and personal experiences on the subject matter.

One of the experiences that is a common thread throughout many of these articles is stigma. We all know that feeling, when approached with a decision of saying something out of turn but don’t because there is a hesitation. Or because we might be scared how people will judge us or see us. It comes in a variety of forms and is harmful to those trying to express themselves full-heartedly and openly. The dictionary definition of stigma is: A mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person. It can stem from internal or external forces. Stigma still exists in society around polyamory. 

There’s been a handful of times when I tell someone unfamiliar with polyamory that I am polyamorous, I then usually have to explain to them what that means. Their first response is typically along the lines of, “Oh so you like, can have sex with a bunch of people?” While it can be an honest attempt to engage in dialogue and understanding, it also paints a broad generalization that barely scratches the surface of what polyamory encompasses and can be a source of much misunderstanding and assumptions.

As can be gleaned from this example, these initial conversations can be one’s punctuated by awkwardness. However they are also an important first step when it comes to de-stigmatizing the notions around polyamory. Opening up dialogue and conversation around the topic allows for engagement and inquiry, which in turn helps to expand understanding. 

After opening up the conversation, we have to do our part in educating people. Knowledge is power. Some don’t know what to think. It almost reminds me of first time someone called me gay. I was in middle school and this adjective wasn’t endearing by any means. I didn’t know what that was so I asked and got an answer in return. While I do identify as gay now, back then I was totally confused by the concept.  Polyamory can invoke a similar reaction. For many, the vocabulary surrounding and related to the subject, is not part of their own lexicon.  The words lack (or import the wrong) meaning, definition, and history.  They have nothing on to which to hang the overarching concepts. That remains our job for now, to help people build that vocabulary & base of knowledge and in turn, again, understanding.

I’ve had positive and negatives reactions when coming out as polyamorous. Some of my close friends can’t empathize with the subject, but still show support in other ways. On the other hand there has been no shortage of nasty remarks on the life I choose to live. Dating in 2020 is slim. Most I can do to inform people on these online dating apps is to include a tidbit about polyamory. Yes, some people who I’ve matched with question the polyamory aspect, while others just delete my profile or block me. When there’s a guy who isn’t frightened by my lifestyle and inquiries more is what makes my day. 

Combating stigma is one of the main reasons we started this blog in the first place, along with sharing our personal experiences. Our voice provides a snapshot into how polyamory can succeed or fail and the various components that surround it. 

Thank you for tuning in and we’d love to hear some of your experiences as well. And as always, stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights into happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

 -Always In Love, From Your Friendly Poly Guy 1 & 2  

Happy Pride everyone.  As many of you have no doubt experienced in SF, it was a very different kind of Pride today than one has come to associate with such a joyous celebration. For obvious (and valid) reasons, people have had no choice but to find new and creative ways to participate this year.   

In my tenure in San Francisco, I’ve walked in, I think two parades. Of those two parades and the numerous block parties at City Hall afterwards, there are a few things I remember. For starters the sheer volume and energy that coalesces in one place cannot be understated.  The cast of characters is beyond imaginable, shapes sizes, age, dress, gender, all walks were celebrated. Scaling back even further however, to an even more personal level than all of that.  What I remember is, it is one of the few times my fiance has felt/feels comfortable enough to hold my hand in public and do it without caution or hesitation, but instead with confidence.  I cannot begin to express how satisfying and warming it is to see him, just breathe and let go of the constant burden he carries. 

I will not lament here on the unfairness of it all, that such a simple act represents a monumental moment. That I assure you cannot be understated. Yet, Pride is just as much about fighting the fight, as it is about celebrating life and who we are.  There is a silver lining to every cloud. For Pride it’s that I get an opportunity to see those around me express themselves in ways that they might not feel comfortable doing, whether from a (real) fear of retribution or from nervousness or shyness.  The power that is Pride to embolden individuals to find their voice, speak their truths, and be comfortable in their own skin has no comparison.  It’s a chance to show the world that what you see in yourself, what you know to be true, is normal & has a place in this world. I get to see that when I see my partner stand tall and smile at the crowds as he walks with me.  There’s pride (no pun intended) in his stance, that’s not always there in the day today or maybe a etter way to say it.  Is it gets magnified and unburied in moments like these.   

Less the world thinks my fiance as someone who is wholly a beaten and battered-down individual.  The truth is, maybe a little at times.  The other truth is, for many of us, that’s also true too.  If someone were to unfold our lives they would find a patchwork quilt.  A collection of beautiful moments & memories, but among the patchwork there would be scars.  Odd stitchings where we had to put ourselves back together.  Holes where we couldn’t.  That is the price many of us must pay for being true to who we are.

Life is not fair, we should not have to fight so hard to be seen or heard or demand to be treated as normal.  Life however is never fair, but we will fight on and celebrate anyways.  Pride is a reminder of that.  Pride is a reminder that it doesn’t always have to be an uphill battle, that it’s ok to just be you, but that when you need to fight the fight, you won’t be doing it alone, not by a long shot.  Pride is a reminder of the future I want to have, where I can hold my fiance’s hand in public and not have him feel afraid.

Creative solutions or full-scale parades, it matters not.  The important part is we celebrate the occasion, as a day for us & for the ideals Pride embodies.

Welcome back friends! First and foremost, Happy Pride! As the celebration ends, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on the year. Memories that were made; encapsulated on the camera roll, backed up on cloud storage, and if you’re like me (old school), printed. These photos strung up along the mantle or haphazardly placed around the bedroom walls. While things may have changed since the photos were taken, they still hold sentimental value.  

The highs and lows of quarantine have started to sink in… Personally, there has been love, loss, depression, anxiety, and acceptance (not in that order). Societally, we are in the midst of a pandemic, a black lives matter movement, and a presidential election later in the year. With so much going on in my life, it makes for a very under-rated response when someone asks, “How are you doing?” Instead of a typical response of “good,” my replies include a variation of “okay” or “do you want the short or long version?”

So much has changed in a short span of time and it’s been a lot to grasp, much like my first Pride in San Francisco. A whooping 8 years ago and I still vaguely remembered the details. Thankfully through Facebook Photos and old boyfriend, I’ve fill in the majority of the blanks.

My boyfriend at the time, the Poet, and I decided to go to an event (since remastered) known as Pink Saturday. It was an extravaganza block party that stretched the main cross streets of the Castro District. The event was held by the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, which is “a charity, protest, and a street performance organization that uses drag and religious imagery to call attention to sexual intolerance and satirizes gender and morality.” The party featured several stages that offered a variety of music options. It was a fantastic time to be among a sea of people, to dance like no one was looking, and to truly value the people I was surrounded myself with.

In my infancy of understanding (or unpacking) my gay identity and what it meant to be gay, I stuck with the basics and wore bright color and bought into the retail version of Pride: rainbow attire. After several years of encounters, education, and living as an openly gay man; I learned being gay and Pride is much more than that. It encompasses the history of the ones who came before us, the ones who fought for our rights, and struggles during the AIDs epidemic.

To me, Pride embodies the livelihood of the community and its individuals. It spans the various sexual orientations and subcultures. Pride is the opportunity to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. 1. To connect with others in the queer community and allies. 2. To embrace and celebrate our sexual identity without judgement. 3. To educate and advocate for others in and out of the LGBTQ+ community on issues, history, and practices. Pride is a symbol of progress. I’m grateful to live in a time where I can marry another queer person, adopt a child of my own, and now officially protected from discrimination in the workplace. All of these rights are milestones on the road to equality.

In retrospect, I am me. I take pride in my sexual orientation and my polyamorous lifestyle. While these factors are a part of who I am, I will not solely be defined by them. Pride is a time to reflect on the past, ourselves and think about the future. Though this year was certainly different, I (like many others) had found a way to commemorate Pride. A group of friends made plans to social distance at the park. It was a time to make new acquaintances, catch up with friends, and enjoy the day.

I hope you found a way to support and celebrate your LGBTQ+ community. And as always, stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights into happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

-Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

Circa 2013. Newly transferred to San Francisco State University to begin college and had been dating the accountant. I established a true connection and then (due to impatience, among other things) lost it. That was one of the toughest break ups of my life. I wasn’t determined to get back on the proverbial horse and date for bonding, but rather spent the time chatting up guys and weeding out potential dates. The intention was purely fun, I didn’t want to seek out the meaningful connection of a lover because I was still healing from the aftermath of the previous relationship. It was an opportunity to make the most of my time and discover meaningful connections with strangers. But low and behold fate (or whatever you want to call it) had other plans.

The various encounters set off a chain reaction of less than desirable men to penetrate the walls of my inner thoughts and eventually led to a terrible relationship, I’ll call him “The Unambitious.” He was wrong in so many ways, mini alcoholic, terrible communication style, self-centered, and very petty. Our relationship lasted less than a year but he definitely did a number on my mental health. As much I tried to move on from him, he’d always find a way to weasel his way back into my life. It didn’t help that he was friends with one of my best friends at the time. 

It wasn’t until about two years later, I was with my last partner, The Simulation (Sim) Tech, that I realized I needed to cut him out of my life completely. I was clearly happy with the Sim Tech and the Unambitious saw this and still tried to win me back in front of him. That did not go so well for the Unambitious. I did get a nice travel journal out of the experience, along with satisfaction of some loves needed to be let go. 

Now as I enter the world, 28, single, and ready to mingle. Not purely for bonding, but for fun. I don’t want to do what I’ve done in the past, where I jump from relationship to relationship. It’s unhealthy and does not allot for time to process everything. Though we are out of The Shelter in Place order, I am also not going to start dating random people for fun just yet. There’s so many possibilities for exposure to COVID and I don’t want to risk that. Instead, I will have fun in other ways. Perhaps finding a quarantine bae, as some have suggested. 

My plans to date for fun are now out in the universe and I am certain something will happen. The saying, “You don’t find love, it finds you,” really comes in full view as I look back on the past genuine connections I made. My dating nature has been a mixture of both bonding and fun. Having meaningless hot sex, while it can be a momentarily release, doesn’t over all exonerate all the feelings. I enjoy having a shared connection before engaging in a sexual experience. Moving forward, dating will include a mixture of both fun and bonding. 

In retrospect, each relationship has played a key role in the development of myself. Without one, the other couldn’t have formed. They have brought me to this point in my life and I am proud to be who I have become, but also scared, nervous, and a bit excited. In this day and age, dating is not just one thing or another, but a combination of various components. 

In any case, let us know what works for you. And as always, stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights into happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

-Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

For those who are looking to binge another romance show, look no further. Modern Love, on Prime Videos, is a series based on real-life personal essays featured in The New York Times. The series examines love in all of its beauty and complexity. While Modern Love doesn’t touch upon polyamory specifically, it does pose the effects love has on the human connection. More specifically on how intertwined things are in realizing what we truly want and need in a meaningful connection. We know every relationship in some way (positive, negatives or a variation in between) changes us. The exposure, and ongoing journey, with poly has certainly transformed my outlook on relationships.

The initial introduction with poly opened my mind to the mechanics that contribute to a relationship. Love itself is multi-faceted and there are many factors to consider. Such as societal, economical, and family upbringings (to name a few) that play a role in how we view relationships. As stated in previous posts, I grew up in a suburban setting, geared toward monogamy. It was the only visible route, unless you were Mormon. The narrative was backed by romantic comedies, love songs, and family values that displayed a romantic relationship shared between two people. As the only out LGBT person on both sides of my family, I always had to seek advice from outside sources. 

When it came to poly, I really had to have an open mind to the possibility of love. How it can work with more than one lover, both emotionally and sexually. The quote, “don’t yuck my yum” has proven to be true, especially when meeting others who have different interests than your own. I learned more about poly and grasped the process and foundation. Polyamory has proven that relationships are not a “one size fits all” dynamic. They come in various forms depending on what is worked out between the individuals involved. With an open mind more is possible. In my case, happiness is derived from the people, the experience, and the attitude going into a situation.

Similar to my co-writer’s sentiment, relationships are work. A poly relationship cannot excel if the proper work hasn’t been put in. My initial introduction to poly was a sensory overload of components. It included my primary partner, the EDMer, and the Gaymer, along with working with a work, life, and social balance. My focus and attention shifted away from my partner and toward the Gaymer. I was so caught up in understanding something completely different, that I set aside the relationships I was currently involved in. It doesn’t make up for what happened later on. This was a critical point to uncovering one of my own faults. I was unprepared and the results demonstrated that. Relationships broke down, interactions became more difficult to communicate, and ultimately ended up in disarray. 

Looking back, I realized that I’d gotten caught up in something new, I lost sight of what I already had, and myself. It can be a rabbit hole with new relationship energy. Both exciting and dangerous depending on how you use it. I keep hearing my old partner’s voice in my head whenever I said, “What’s the harm in striving to have it all.” His response, “Me, I am what could be lost.” Like warning signals, his words are ingrained in me now. This experience has shown that multiple concurrent relationships are possible with the stipulation that all parties are ready for that. 

Going from an open-partnership, to a throuple dynamic, to polyamory, in the span of two months was too quick for my partner and I. Our communication degraded and arguments became the new norm. It was unhealthy but I was too stubborn to change my action. Polyamory puts into perspective what is doable (or fair) for a person. What I was able to give to my partner(s) may not equate to what works for them. And that’s okay, as long as needs are openly communicated. In many cases, people have found a common ground to discuss and find a suitable solution.

Overall, polyamory has expanded the idea of what is possible in a relationship. As a millennial, I’ve inherited this notion of no regrets because with each relationship came a valuable insight that I can use to grow. Those societal boxes such as to graduate college, find a partner, settle down, have kids had portrayed an unrealistic view of how life should be. Instead I have taken the initiative to define that for myself. 

In any case, let us know what works for you. And as always, stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights into happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

-Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

The year was 2019, it was in the heat of a San Francisco summer, and the weekend of Dore Alley. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the event, Up Your Alley Fair (or known to locals as Dore Alley) is a fair that takes place in San Francisco during the last weekend of July on Folsom Street. It is a fair, where fellow leather and fetish enthusiasts engage in Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism (BDSM) play. 

The weekend was filled with a lot of firsts. The first circuit party, the first of friends meeting, and the first of pictures. 

Dore Alley has several ticketed events over the course of the weekend. The ones I attended were the Glamcocks and Ritual. Funnily enough, both events took place at the same space. Glamcocks is a burner party of sorts. It had several rooms, in which people enjoyed the artistic displays and enjoyed themselves. 

Ritual on the other hand was a party for some of the most wondrous things to happen. It was an after hours event. We planned to meet up with everyone in our “gaggle” of friends at an infamous after hour club called. The End Up. It was a place where people partied on to the wee hours of the morning. The club usually closes at 6 am or on the weekend. The group was comprised of the squash player, the nurse, “The academic,” my partner, and my co-conspirator. We met up at the  bar for drinks before Ritual, the event started at 4 am and went till 9 am. We danced a little and commented on each other’s outfit. Each person wore something different. 

It was the first time the nurse met our friends and my partner. He showed up 10 minutes before the bar closed. I still remember chugging drinks with him in the bar as the clock struck 2 am. We stayed there for some time before heading over to the main event. 

We made our way to the event but not before we stopped for some red bull and food. Once there we waited in line for about 45 minutes before waiting in another line to decloth (aka coat check). 

The club was packed with various men of all shapes and sizes. The common theme was leather, harness, and some variation of underwear. After a much needed bathroom break, we regrouped and made our way to the main stange and bar. The room was filled with some of the same things from the night before but the vibe was different. Hotter (in temperature), more men, and different music. The music was much of a high caliber over others. Quicker beats and more people enjoying their time. 

Soon after surveying the landscape the majority gathered to meet with our friend we call Molly. It was a new feeling for some and an old feeling for others. The hours before the bar opened again, at 6 am, was the time to dance our butts off… And we did. There was some point in the night that it was, “The Bear,” me, the squash player, and my partner, dancing in that order. Someone had taken a picture of us. Their comment was, “Oh I love that this is like a bear sandwich.” 

 It was truly a time where my partner and I could enjoy ourselves, without being together. Maybe it was the music or the friends, but that night was awesome in its own fashion. I know because I took 4 pictures total. 

Hours had gone by, people had left, and we literally shut down the club. We saw some complimentary sunglasses left in a basket on a table. We each struggled to grab a pair and put on clothes. But in the midst of it all, we declothed once again to take a picture of the group. It was the blurriest but most memorable photo of the night. 

After we opened the doors and saw that the sun was already out and shining, we proceeded to make our way to get food. There was a place 4 blocks up the road that had good yelp reviews and open. We waited a short amount of time before being seated and ordering food. Some of us had ordered mimosas, coffee and other drinks, while others stuck to water.

We had survived the night and were full of sustenance. We parted separate ways before we met up again at the Dore Alley festival. It was a festival to show some skin and explore certain fetishes. The group gathered for a bit before disbanding into their own ways. The majority of the group stayed together. 

It was a monumental event because it was the first event that both the guy I was dating and my partner were in the same place. They had met before but not under these pretenses. I was happy to see them interact. It was also the first picture that the gaymer and I would take together. Coming from Asian origin, I valued such things. 

There would be several other revealing photos to be taken throughout the festival, but unfortunately it had come to a close. The gaggle had decided to get dinner at a sushi restaurant around the corner. It was the closest restaurant that would soon open. We were its first customers of the evening. The staff was intrigued with the various outfits before showing us to our booth. It was a japanese booth, where shoes are taken off before sitting. 

The meal was great. Some of us share a giant, 720 ml, bottle of Nigori (unfiltered sake). Other ordered dishes for themselves. In any case, it was a time to enjoy time with others. More pictures were taken to commemorate the occasion. Looking back on that moment, I was happy…  Surrounded by friends, the guy I was dating, and my partner.

-Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

Welcome! Tonight we continue our conversation with Boy Nerd:

Poly Guy 2: I was going to ask if your ethnicity played a factor into polyamory? And if it does, how so? 

Boy Nerd: I feel like it does, not in my decision between polyamory or monogamy, but rather how I navigate the dynamics. Growing up in such a white area, such as Portland, there definitely was a mold and a box that society placed on minorities. Especially those who have intersectional identities as I do… being queer, Asian, and also submissive. It can be hard to navigate. Coming to San Francisco was amazing, where the mold is essentially broken, where there is so much representation of people breaking the mold and who are succeeding… For example, those who are queer, Asian and a dominant (Dom). To break that whole mold, I have to begin unraveling the model minority, also a submissive model minority, that I’ve used to satisfy the dynamics of my relationships. 

It wasn’t until I came here that I started to reflect, think back, and work out a lot of -isms. I really had to contend with a lot of the ideas I grew up with like the pleasing dynamic: of being the people pleaser and being okay with things even though I was not okay with things. It was definitely apparent in my first relationship because I was still being newly exposed to the world of being gay and being gay without the fear of family overlooking your shoulder. Y’all know how that is. 

Coming here was more liberating because there was more representation of how to break that mold. Even then with my last D/s’ dynamic, though he prided himself on not being a racist, he would still retain some prejudicial tendencies. For example, as a white man, he felt like he could make jokes because he’s dating x, y, z minorities. 

I had to contend with, San Francisco, as the epicenter of justice, where so many movements began, such as queer rights movement. And yet it still doesn’t mean that all of us have had our shit figured out. I had to try to fight the tendency to be a people pleaser with my last Dom… Yes, I am Asian, doesn’t mean I am going to be okay with everything that you are saying, much less the jokes that center around my race.

As a counselor, I definitely fall under the feminist theory, in the sense our identities shape our experience and our intersectional identities play with and against each other; in a tug of war fashion. While I found  empowerment with my Asian and queer identity in the city, my submissive identity was pulling me back. I remember thinking to myself, “Wait, he’s your Sir, he’s your Dom, you need to respect what he says”. And at the same time, my Asianess and queerness was like, “No that’s not okay, not at all! If he really was my Sir or Dom, he would listen to me and do his best to change his behavior,”.

Poly Guy 2: I do also think ethnicity does play a role, especially when we live in such a bubble in the SF, Bay Area, where everything is okay and cool for the most part. It is nice to get another perspective on this topic. 

Boy Nerd: I think it definitely helped shape my polyamorous dynamics, in both dynamics. Because I feel like they’d be okay with some of the problematic things they were doing. 

Poly Guy 1: Like what? 

Boy Nerd: Like making jokes about my culture. Using a very racist and stereotypical accent and pretending like I was a boy wh*re from Thailand. The expectation of me being okay with being in the submissive role even though there are Dom tendencies that I am exploring or wanting to explore, and them not offering the chance for me to do that. Even though in my last Dom’s group, with other boys, he fostered those Dom tendencies. 

Poly Guy 1: How aware were you of your partner’s paramours dynamics and what was the communication like? 

Boy Nerd: I want to say the communication was somewhat open in both relationships.  With my first poly experience if he’s not going to be with me, he was with his Dominatrix in Portland. He’d be honest about it and that was a matter of logistics.

With my second poly experience, he felt safe and comfortable to talk to me about things that were going on. He valued our deep conversations. All of his submissives were around my age or younger. I felt that he valued that I’m young, but I’m educated, I’m going to graduate school, and can articulate my feelings in a way some of his other submissives couldn’t. 

I would get a sneak peek into his mind, experience, and process (mental and emotional). I remember that we tried to have a Google Calendar with all our availabilities because there would be times we’d all want to be together but it didn’t work out.

Poly Guy 1: So at least with your last Dom, there was an overlapping of individuals in the relationship?

Boy Nerd: Yes, that was true when I was living with him and one of his submissives.

Poly Guy 1: How long did you all live together?

Boy Nerd: I lived with them for about 2 weeks when I first moved here. It was an in between time between when graduate school started and my lease started. It was temporary. Then I left that lease and I was with them for about a month and a half. That was a really rough experience and that is a part of the reason for leaving the relationship. Being around your partners in close proximity, in a small townhouse, you learn a lot about each other. You really figure out the nuances of being in each other’s space.

Poly Guy 2: So, were you and the other submissives not allowed to date other people?

Boy Nerd: In the second dynamic, we talked about it. He was okay with me playing with other people with rules in place. But having a relationship with another Dom, in theory he was okay with but in reality, with me especially… there was a bit of possessiveness. In the spirit of polyamory, in theory he would say “Yes, you are good to date another person”, but I know the moment I found somebody and brought it to light, he would be very upset.

This week we took the opportunity to talk to an individual who is outside of our polycule & their perspective on their experience in the world of poly. Enjoy!

Poly Guy 1:  Thanks for talking with us today.  Why don’t we start with a little bit of background on your experience with polyamory.  You’ve been a part of a polyamourous relationship before.  Is that correct?

Boy Nerd:  Yes! I’ve been in two so far.

Poly Guy 2:  Can you elaborate on those experiences? What were the dynamics like in each of those relationships?

Boy Nerd:    First I’d start off by saying I learned about polyamory through my introduction to the kink community at the age of 20.  My introduction to the kink community was through the lense of polyamory.  Initially I assumed everyone identified with some element of polyamory.

Upon entering the kink community I became a submissive, because I was still learning and it I gravitated the role.  I maintain that even now, because it’s one of the ways I express myself and identify, and how I navigate that realm.

The two relationships were very different in the way that the polyamorous dynamic played out.  The hierarchies were very different from each other.   

In my first relationship, the way that I envisioned it was, as a totem pole.  Depending on your rank, how much power you had, and who submitted to who, would dictate what your rank was on the totem pole.  

At the very top was a Mistress, a Dominatrix, and below her, her three boys, who were her submissives.  One of her three boys was my Alpha, which put me right at the bottom.  

That was the way it was structured.  It wasn’t very sustainable and honestly, was very isolating for me.  I didn’t feel I had anybody to talk to or connect with, aside from my Alpha.  Even then, he had to split his time between his Mistress & I.  Compounding that, at the time, though he identified (still does) as bi, he had a lot of internalized homophobia. It reflected in how we interacted, in the sense that he wanted to spend more time with his mistress, because I felt that’s what he was more familiar and comfortable with.  That in itself did a number on me for many years. A lot of mental & emotional scarring, but that we can talk about at another time.

The second relationship, the most recent one, was more like a hand.  There was a singular Dom, so he was like the palm, and each finger was a submissive.  The submissives weren’t exactly connected together, but we had the opportunity to create relationships with one another, if we desired to.

I do recall once where my Dom encouraged me and one of his boys to form a romantic relationship, but we did not click for a number of reasons. Personality, chemistry, and jealousy being some of the main reasons. Other than that, I never really got to a level where I connected romantically with his other subs.  Instead it gradually became more like a competition, with each vying to monopolize our Dom’s time.  While it was predominantly our job to self-mediate, our Dom wasn’t always able to help the situation.  I felt it was part of his responsibility to help step-in and diffuse some of the tension and mediate at times.  Ultimately it led to problems festering and it corroded my relationship. 

Poly Guy 1:  Were you the only one that left the relationship? Or was there more of an implosion?                    

Boy Nerd: Well…funny story.  I met my Dom, in this relationship, at a time when he had a lot of life changes happening, a number of which were not positive.  He didn’t react well to those changes.  I felt he tried to supplement those changes, by essentially collecting new boys.  I saw it grow from three boys to seven or eight and then shrink back down to three.

Poly Guy 2:  Wow! That’s a lot! That’s amazing!

Boy Nerd:  Yeah, amazing in a good way & a bad way too.  He had the personality to attract these guys, but not to maintain the relationships. It didn’t help that they all happened one after the other. 

Poly Guy 2: How close together?

Boy Nerd: I think it was around every few months or so.  I’d get a new text message essentially saying I’m thinking of collaring a new boy. It felt a little like he was playing collectibles with us. 

Poly Guy 1:  This sounds like a one sided relationship.  Was it? Did you have any input when it came to these new guys?

Boy Nerd: Yes and no.  I felt like he & I had a really great connection.  Deeper than some of his other boys.  He would ask for my input and advice, especially when it came to someone new, and I would give him my honest input.

Poly Guy 2:  Was he someone that was polyamorous before you met him?

Boy Nerd: Yes, he’d delved into it about 5 years before me I believe.  That was unlike my Alpha from my first polyamorous relationship.  He was still figuring the scene out alongside me at the time.

Poly Guy 2:  So previously you had learned about polyamory through the kink community is that how you met both of your doms?  Through the kink community?

Boy Nerd:  Yes.  I met both of them online.  My Alpha, who was the one to introduction me kink and poly, I meet through a gay dating site while we were both in college.  My second Dom, I met through tumblr at a time when we were both running kink blogs. 

Poly Guy 2:  Now with both of these relationships, were they both long distance?

Boy Nerd: With my Alpha, we were relatively close.  He was the next college town over. I’d see him about once every other weekend. With the Dom, it started off as a long distance relationship, as we lived in different states, and transitioned in time once I moved closer.

Poly Guy 1: So I’m curious for you poly & kink are tied fairly close together.  I mean you were introduced to both practically simultaneously.  How did that challenge or align your mental models around relationships and how they manifested?   

Boy Nerd:  I definitely had to do some mental acrobatics, because it was a complete shift from what I grew up with.  At the time when I met my Alpha I still believed in the traditional construct of monogamy, and my view of the kink community was warped to align with a very traditional understanding of sex.  That being said, I was so eager to learn, that I kind of dived in head first, and decided I‘d figure out my feelings and the rest as I went along.  I tried to enjoy the moment.   

Poly Guy 1: Looking back on the experiences you’ve had.  How do you view relationships now?

Boy Nerd: I’m not restricting myself in the sense that I’m only looking for either a monogamous relationship or a polyamorous relationship.  I feel that would be too limiting.  I’m, foremost, looking for a strong connection with someone.  Then together we can navigate what relationship structure works best for us.

I’ve had good experiences in my poly-dynamics, even though we’ve all since broken up.  I still have moments that I treasured immensely, and still do.  I see the value in having a polyamorous relationship, but I also see the value in having a monogamous relationship.  I think it depends largely on the individuals involved, and their own experiences as well.  Again it’s something we’d figure it out together, with me and whoever else is involved.    

Poly Guy 1:  Setting the polyamory element aside for a second.  I wanted to touch base on the kink element.  From the beginning we’ve heard how it’s been intertwined with your own identity and your relationships.  Can you speak to that more?

Boy Nerd:  I think it’s something that has always spoken to me, but whether I was receptive to hearing it or listening to it was a completely different thing. 

When people ask me about my kink journey, I like to say, “Well, it really started when I was a kid watching Saturday morning cartoons,”.  There was always that storyline, like in the Justice Friends or similar shows, where it was “another day in paradise” and then “someone would be kidnapped” and the “others would have to rush to save them”.  Without fail the person kidnapped was always tied up when they finally found them and rescued them.  So because of that I was constantly exposed to the concept of somebody being tied up.  For some reason that really jived with me, I really enjoyed it. 

It’s never something I myself physically experienced as a kid, but it’s something I think I could imagine myself in.  Being in that vulnerable position and someone coming to rescue me.  Of course I didn’t think anything of it at the time.  I was a kid, I had bigger fish to fry like learning the alphabet. 

It wasn’t until I started my sexual journey much later, when I discovered sex and porn, that I realized “Oh! You can have sex, AND be tied up at the same time!”.  There was one image in particular that stuck with me.  It was a Dominatrix with her sub, they were both gorgeous.  They were outside.  He had these leather pants on, but he was handcuffed.  He was looking up at her with such submission & adoration.  I remember thinking, “I want more of that.  Where can I find more of that?”.

Over time, from that point on, I discovered more kink, but it was also so intense that it made me hesitate and question my initial interest. On top of that I was realizing that I was attracted more to the guys in the scenes I saw, which felt bizarre. So I was going to have to figure that out too. You can see it was a lot for me to unpack and work through over time.   

Poly Guy 1:  It definitely sounds like it!  Hearing how intertwined kink is with your sexual identity and your relationships. I think my next question would be, you self-identify as submissive.  How would that piece of your identity factor into what you are looking for in terms of another partner or relationship?  

Boy Nerd:  I think at the very least I would be looking for openness and acceptance.  I don’t need that one person to be my dom.  If they felt they couldn’t provide that for me, I’d hope that they’d understand I’d want to seek that role out in another individual.  In doing so, that doesn’t mean we couldn’t have a deep emotional or physical connection, but more that I would have an outlet for fulfilling a personal need without imposing or demanding something of my partner they didn’t necessarily feel comfortable providing. 

Stay tuned next week for the conclusion to this discussion!!!

Ask my fiance, my boyfriend, or my co-conspirator about my planning abilities, and you will receive the same response.  A fit of laughter. I’m constantly having to be reminded of events, birthdays, anniversaries, or really anything that requires me to be on time.  It’s not from any desire to avoid such events. Simply an overly packed schedule, combined with the memory of a gold-fish. Rather than constantly promising to be better and failing. I have learned (am learning) the value of a shared calendar. A sentiment shared by any individual seeking to maintain a successful polyamourous relationship.  Coordinating and using a shared calendar, while it does not ensure success of a polyamorous relationship, will make it infinitley more attainable. (Poly Guy 1) 

As an event planner, time has always been of the essence of the job and that bled into my personal life. Figuring out how late I could stay at work before I had to take in Uber home in order to make a dinner reservation. But it wasn’t alway like that, I used to be a terrible planner and over book my schedule. Between the birthday parties, friends in town, and spontaneous plans can be a bit hard to predict and plan for. Now, when engaging in multiple relationships, it’s important to make time for each person and for ourselves. It sucks to be the person who makes plans and then continuously breaks them due to mis-scheduling issues. (Poly Guy 2) 

We’ve already discussed one benefit of a shared calendar in our last post. Specifically sexual health and testing.  If we expand that view even just a little further we can see how such a calendar could help to bring balance to the relationships on a larger scale. 

Both I and my co-conspirator have found scheduling a breeze with Google Calendar. It is one of the few apps that worked with both Apple and Android products. A shared calendar allows us to visually see the time we allot for other people and commitments. It also allows for our partners to be informed of events and changes that might occur. This is a great resource for partners who live together or apart. Google Calendar keeps track of plans and allows others to make arrangements around those plans. 

 Having the ability to see what others are doing and when, reduces the frequency of double booking and scheduling conflicts.  It does not eliminate them of course, but oftentimes provides a clearer and more reliable picture of what is happening in the coming days, weeks, months.  It is far from a replacement to direct communication, but more a way to ensure individuals are on the same page.  

It definitely helped at the beginning of my poly journey because it allowed my partner to see the days I’d be home later or back the next day. We also scheduled time for each other, family, and friend commitments. It was helpful to be aware of other commitments when making new plans without our partner(s). If my partner spent the night at a boy’s place, it gave me the time to do clean, catch up on a TV show or on some writing. (Poly Guy 2)  

One thing I learned when starting a shared calendar, but any calendar really, was to realize how possible it was to become overbooked.  As much as we enjoy spending time socializing, and spending quality time with others, it is also important to make time for ourselves. It can help to recharge our batteries, and provide a needed opportunity for self-care.  This by no means has to be an extravagant affair, simply a little down time to decompress. 

Shared calendars had their benefits and drawbacks. Some may view a shared calendar as a company-like tool to schedule meetings and offsites with employees. While, yes it can feel like a mundane act it calculates those weekends or weeknight, but also comforting at the same time. To visually see the time spent blocked out for others gives me some relief. Our shared plans from third party sites, such as Facebook, can be easily imported to my partner and I’s calendar.

We both have seen how a shared calendar helped plan with our other partners. Yet because it is in the calendar, doesn’t make it true. Plans can change and it is important to communicate with our partner(s). Let us know what works for you and how you plan with others. Stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights of happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

• Always in Love,  Poly Guy 1 & Friendly Poly Guy 2