Hello friend, this week we will explore the an important topic that doesn’t only pertain to solo polyamory, but to people that practice variations of polyamory and other non-monogamy relationships. We received a question last week from someone, who was newly solo poly and had a question about how to create boundaries between their lovers to ensure there was no miscommunication about their whereabouts when with other lovers. This person likes to dedicate their time to whom they’re with by silencing their phone. They felt it was isolating to inform lovers they’re busy, especially when the lovers don’t ask about their plans.
For those who are unfamiliar with the term “solo poly” I will refer back to More Than Two’s definition: “An approach to polyamory that emphasizes agency and does not seek to engage in relationships that are tightly couple-centric. People who identify as solo poly emphasize autonomy, the freedom to choose their own relationships without seeking permission from others, and flexibility in the form their relationships take. Such people generally don’t want or need relationships to look like traditional couples, and may not, for example, seek to live with a partner (or partners) or combine finances with a partner (or partners).”
Let’s dive in, shall we? While there are various components to the initial question, the one that stuck out the most was the portion about creating boundaries. In theory, a healthy solo poly/ poly relationship, there is clear communication and transparency between each person. In practice, it can be harder to execute when there are many moving parts of the equation. As a recently single poly person I can share my own journey with disclosing information between lovers.
One of the major reasons my last relationship ended was due to communication issues with my partner. Since then, I’ve been reluctant to start dating again because I wanted time to recenter. But as a famous musician, John Lennon, once said, “life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.” I’ve found myself currently casually seeing two guy. One who identifies as polyamorous, the other does not but open to understanding the lifestyle. Whether or not your partner(s) are well informed about polyamory, I’ve found transparency as a step to creating boundaries. Being transparent with your partner(s) creates a starting point to have a conversation about boundaries. Transparencies can include voicing your needs and wants, disclosing your plans, and so much more.
It is kind of interesting to see how these practices, like transparency, can spill into my social and family life as well. This past week I had a similar conversation, on separate occasions, with my mom and a friend about how I would resume our conversation after I respond to a text from someone. In both cases, the person reciprocated acknowledgement and understood my reasoning. I wanted to be there in the moment while also informing my lovers of my whereabouts.
Just like a lot of things in life, creating boundaries is not a one size fits all scenario. In polyamory, there are so many factors to consider about your partner(s) before proceeding. Is your partner an extrovert, introvert, or a mix of the two? What are their love languages? What is their communication style? The list can go on and on when it comes to assessing how to create boundaries with a partner. As an extrovert, I like to share, sometimes overshare with people in my life. I’ve learned that some are more receptive than others.
Going back to the original question, the author asked, “How does one create a boundary to ensure I’m not lying to them about being with someone else that night, especially if they dont ask- do I just blurt out that I’m busy with a guest later?” In response, I say it goes back to communication, to inform lovers about one another. I’ve found honesty to be the best policy, especially when dealing with people who do not identify as poly. It might be nerve-racking to send a text to a lover that you’ll be busy with another lover that evening, but it is a conversation that needs to be had if you do not want to keep them in the dark. Also how we deliver the information is crucial. Our delivery of a message, especially via text can be difficult, where there’s no tonation or gestures and the information can be misinterpreted. Instead of saying, “I am busy with a guest,” maybe try something along the lines of, “Hey, I am going to be with a friend tonight. So if I don’t text back, don’t worry. I really just want to give them my undivided attention.” It gives them transparency while communicating your honest intention.
At the end of the day, the boundaries we create with our lovers/ partners is solely between the people involved. Such a topic can bring anxiety within ourselves, but it is an important conversation to be had if we hope to have a long-term relationship with various partners. Some advice I got from another poly person was that you establish rules and boundaries with your lovers/ partners and check in with them every so often. Check ins allow all parties to voice what does and doesn’t work in their previous agreement. It brings about the conversation for open dialogue to make changes and improvements.
In any case, I hope my views and experiences have helped you navigate and shape your own poly lifestyle. For more information about the boundaries practices, check our post categorized: Rules & Boundaries. Thank you for tuning in and we’d love to hear some of your experiences and questions. And as always, stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights into happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.
-Your Friendly Poly Guy 2
