Category: Polyamory & Sex

Greetings All,

This week of things we’ve learned after coming out poly.  We’re talking about sex. Though to be honest it’s not just since coming out poly that my views have changed and evolved.  The shifts came with moving to the Bay Area & opening up the fiance’s & I’s relationship. Perhaps the greatest of these shifts is understanding that love and sex are not, nor need not be forever entwined.  While the concepts can feed into and enhance the other, one does not need the other to survive or even thrive.

Growing up in today’s culture there is a myth perpetuated regarding love and sex.  Movies and books taught us “the one” would come along one day in our future. That, that “one” we should save ourself for.  That to have sex and initimacy before such a person comes along would be to stain your sexual life for years to come. Such beleifs are further compounded by sex ed in schools.  While I appreciate the attempt made at providing insight into the process. The fear-mongering I was subjected to, woefully underprepared me for the journey I would embark on years later.  Not to mention gay sex remained a completely mystery to me, until I got a hold of porn and my first boyfriend. Since opening up our sex lives I have learned a great deal about sex and intimacy and the roles they play in healthy relationships.

Less anyone thinking I’m railing against the classic love story and touting it as a fraudulent scenario, rest assured I’m not.  I simply propose a different perspective. The beauty of a romance novel, is it pulls at our heart strings & stokes our passions.  It takes a moment in the main characters life and sensationalizes it. We as humans can empathize with those bright burning plot points. The sensation of falling in love, the heat from a long awaited touch, or the feeling of melting into the arms of a lover you have yearned for.  All of these things can and do happen, but they can also happen more than once. Knowing that it’s happened before or can happen again does not diminish the impact it has in the moment, because each time is unique. A moment captured in time.

Perhaps one of the greatest revelations I have had in the past few years.  Is that sex can just be for pleasure. I know this sounds like an obvious statement, but again I bought into the belief that every connection had to be an intimate one.  That every partner I had. I would need a deep intimate connection with in order for the sex to be meaningful. What I have learned is. I can have deep intimate connections and meaningful sex with certain individuals, yes.  My Fiance, my Boyfriend, a few close paramours to a certain extent, but I can also have blazing white hot sex with a hook-up off of grindr I met 15 min ago and be more than satiated for very different reasons. Now I know some of you are judging me harshly and calling me a liar. Rarely is a quick hook-up off of Grindr *that good*, but hand to heart, he did not disappoint.         

For a moment I’ll dive a little deeper into my sex life than I typically would, but I think it provides an illustrative point, least it was for me.  One evening I had the opportunity to participate in a sex party. While I’ve been to several this one was unique in its design, the participants were divided into two groups based on their position of preference. This was decided before the party, and once it was locked in, it could not be changed. The bottoms would arrive first and be hooded before the tops were let in.  Once the party started those hoods were not to be removed in the play area. We were there to serve any and all tops who took an interest in us. There would be no discourse before hand, no introductions more than say a touch on the shoulder and an easing pressure, just enough to let the hooded individual no someone was there.The interaction would be purely anonymous in both directions.  To some I’m sure this would make their skin crawl for a variety of reasons. For myself it was a liberating experience. The anonymity absolved me of a certain level of responsibility, and allowed me to enjoy the full variety sensations my body was indulged in. Think of it as wearing a blindfold on the most extreme of scales. 

Intimacy, pleasure, sexual tension, love, physical sensations. The numerous sensations that converge to define our sexual identity are infinite. Love and sex compliment each other in ways that are nuturing and satisfying.   Lust and exploration can ignite passion and hunger that stokes flame. Any combination is possible. The opportunity to explore these iterations in a variety of ways has helped to mature a previously hidden and denied side of myself.   

-Always in Love, Poly Guy 1

I still remember that naive freshman version of myself, so excited to start a new chapter in my life, both educational and sexual. Within the first quarter, I came out as gay to one of my best friends, The Engineer Trainee, and met a boy. He had that suave punk-rock band look to him with a curtain role model haircut. We met at a student government assembly for our dorm. He sat directly across me and made some ridiculous faces. I had to take a look around me to make sure that his gestures were intended for me. And they were. After the meeting we chatted for a bit and exchanged numbers. 

Flash forward to our first date, it was on campus because there wasn’t much for low-funded students to do off campus. We decided to meet up one afternoon for coffee and a rock band show. We got our coffees, found a grassy section in the middle of the quad and began divulging into each other’s lives. “How many boyfriends do you have?”, he asked. It was zero at the time but I didn’t want to tell him that so I said two. “Have you had sex yet?”, I was truthful and said no. He chuckled. I then asked “How many guys have you slept with?”, and his response was, “Honestly, I don’t know.” 19-year-old me was shocked. How do you not know this number? Not even a ballpark? After that the mood had become different for the rest of the date. 

A couple days later I ask what changed. He explained to me that he’d wish his first time was with someone special. That it had ruined his view of sex and he didn’t want to continue pursuing our relationship because he wanted my first time to be different than his. I didn’t understand it. I wanted him so bad and did foolish things as a result. I started smoking because he smoked and eventually had sex with some guy to spite him.

Monogamy:

Since my first attempt I’ve learned what sex is, how it plays into a healthy relationship, and how it can affect emotions. I was in several monogamous relationship where sex was sacred. Sex was our connection; we shared with one another and no one else. As I grew and explored the parameters of these relationships, I broke some hearts by some variation of cheating. It was devastating. But after several haircuts and bleaching sessions I was ready to try again. 

Open-relationship: 

Once my partner and I were reunited after my study abroad, we decided to stay open. It was in our best interest because our sexual chemistry had changed. I felt weird about hooking up with other guys with him. This led to a change in my view of sex: from this soul-bonding experience between me and another person, to something more casual. We continued to have sexual relations with several guys, nothing serious. I had issues hearing about some of his encounters, it might have been internalized jealousy (a topic we’ll talk about). At the time, I didn’t question my needs or feelings and how to utilize communication to get past the issues.

Non-monogamy: 

It wasn’t till we started our journey into non-monogamy that I realized sex is sex. Our relationship still retained a component of intimacy, but also embraced a different aspect of it. We were introduced to various guys, who were sex-positive and did not slut-shame one another for their sexual desires. Our sexual needs fluctuate and change, which was okay. Since we both still love each other, sex wasn’t such a driving force within our relationship like it was in my monogamous past.

Overall, when it comes to sex in a polyamorous setting, my views have shifted. It’s not everything. Sex (sexual relationships) and love (romanctic relationships) do not have to equate to one another. We open up ourselves, physically and emotionally, and the outcome is our own. This is just one take on sex. Other polyamorous people may have a different narrative and that’s okay. We should celebrate each person’s efforts to discover themselves. There isn’t a clear path to navigate our sexual desires. A very wise friend once texted, “Poly is always an ongoing communication thing. If feelings happen, positive or negative, it’s important to feel okay to express them, and then find a way to address them.” The same can be said about sexual discovery and the journey to it.

– Your Friendly Poly Guy 2