My co-conspirator and I have spent the past few weeks talking about ourselves. Given we’re both gay, we could probably do it endlessly, and chase all three of our readers away. Rest assured there was a method to our madness.
This blog is about being poly, and gay, in the Bay Area. In that order. We wanted to create a space that would allow us to explore a variety of topics surrounding these subjects. However, we felt compelled to tell you a little about ourselves & how all three of these elements speak directly to the heart of who we are and how we identify.
With the formalities out of the way we will begin our first post about something other than ourselves. The 101 of Polyamory (poly for short). Maybe some of you have heard this term before. Chances are many more of you have not. To that end we, as your ever present gay poly guides, thought we’d try and get as many people on the same page (please invite all your friends to our page we want more of you) at the beginning as possible.
We’ll style this post as a Q & A of sorts. Giving each of us a chance to interject our own thoughts. What this will show is poly is rarely black and white. It can take many forms and is largely reliant on the individuals involved, but that there are underlying concepts that ring true through a majority of poly relationship. Shall we begin?
Question 1: What the hell is poly and why do you guys keep talking about it?
–PG1: Polyamory allows individuals to explore relationships with others on their natural trajectory. Some relationships may last a lifetime, others a few months. Regardless of the length, it is the quality of time spent together that matters. Not the quantity (though that’s important to in a different sense)
–PG2: Haha, well polyamory is that cute thing that people call having multiple partners. Not like Polygamy. Because in this scenario, both partners can have other partners. And these are sexual and emotional partners.
Question 2: Having one partner is hard enough and you want how many?! Why would anyone do this?
–PG1: Why do people want 8 kids? Why does my boyfriend want to be Roger from 101 Dalmations? The answer is simple. Love is a powerful force. For me I view love as if there is an abundance to be had if you’re able to open your heart to it. Different people open you up to different worlds, and it can be an spell-binding experience.
–PG2: Because, for some people this just comes natural to them. Have you ever felt that spark, those butterflies, with someone else? It’s like that but multiplied. It just feels right in the moment and you can’t explain it.
Question 3: So if I’m single and loving life, do I have to be in a relationship first to start my poly journey?
–PG1: Gods no. You have a perfect life, why ruin it? You’re telling me you don’t have a fiance who steals all your covers? And is incapable of finding things in plain sight? (Looooooove you Fiance) Poly is about finding and navigating relationships that fill your needs, whatever they may be. Maybe you want a nesting partner and a couple close paramours. Or maybe you value your independence and your alone time and would prefer to have a few deep connections with paramours you see on occasion. You get to make that choice.
–PG2: No you don’t. There are many poly singles in the country. It’s not uncommon to meet a single poly person. They may know who they are or still discovering. Poly is opening yourself to a lot of things… Some may be good and others may hurt, but poly is a learning experience.
Question 4: Annnd… you guys never get jealous?
–PG1: Jealousy is a universal human emotion, some people experience it more than others. Those in poly relationships are not excluded the feeling. Jealousy is more about the individual than exterior influences. People in poly (good poly) relationships must face jealousy head on if they don’t want to see dischord sewn into their relationships. Is that an easy thing to do? Absolutely not, but it can be done. When you do that, a funny thing can happen in its place, which we’ll talk more about in the future, comperssion for your partner.
–PG2: Yes and no. Depending on the rules and boundaries you set for you and your partner. Personally, we have a rule of primary and secondary. What that means is that you have a primary relationship and one or more secondary relationships. Primary comes first before any secondary.
Question 5: But, but how do you schedule all of this?
–PG1: I second the google calendar, that thing is a life saver. This is a tool though. The real answer is lots and lots of communication. It’s like when you were 16 and just got your driver’s license any time you made a left turn you had to call her and let her know you were still alive. More people means more communication, but should should be talking to your partner anyways, because you love them right? What’s one more phone call?
–PG2: Google Calendar has helped a great lot. Granted that only works for Iphone users. Best try to find an app that works to schedule all your time and their time. If it’s in the calendar, then we’d figure things out with proper notice and that something to ask.
Question 6: – What is ethical poly to you? How do you carry it out?
–PG1: Ethical poly is being open, honest, & communicating with all your partners. It’s being respectful and aware of their needs, just as much as it is about asking for your own. No relationship is without balance and consent. You need both to thrive.
–PG2: Brb after a quick wine break.
Question 7: – Grindr, Tindr, OKC, and other apps. Which do you find to work the best?
–PG1: You know my fiance had great success with OkCupid. I have as story I’d love to share on it some time. For me, I’ve had success with Grindr, but that was more due to circumstances than a concerted effort to find poly relationships.
–PG2: Shit he should have poured a larger glass….
All right, well this concludes our Poly 101! This is highly HIGHLY abbreviated crash course. We will most likely touch on a number of these subjects again in depth over the course of this blog. I can tell you, it was very hard to abbreviate all that I have learned so far (which is very little) into a sound bite effectively, but I hope it has given you a feel for what is to come. We are both are both very excited to dive into this with you!
So please tell everyone and come join the fun! 🙂
- Poly Guys 1 & 2
