The Boys in Town

Happiness, heart breaks, & a whole mess of spelling errors

Category: Posts (Page 3 of 5)

New Loves & Old: The Impact of NRE in a Poly Relationship

February 21, 2020 /

Some of you have heard the term, but I’m guessing more than a few of you have not.  Though I’m sure all of you have experienced it at some point or another in your life. Its that butterfly feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you’re crush takes hold of your hand, or the urge of simply wanting to be around and close to someone.  The feelings can manifest in any number of ways, but it all goes by the same name New Relationship Energy (NRE). Others may refer to it as the honeymoon phase. Regardless what term you call it by, it serves the amazing purpose of bringing individuals together and facilitating a drive and desire to get to know somebody on an intimate and potentially romantic level.

As with all things poly, its relationship with NRE can be a complicated one.  I’m someone who loves to wade into those waters of new love and new relationships.  Beginnings are exciting times and the experience can be intoxicating. When you have that spark or connection it can be engaging and the only thing you may want to do is see where it goes.  There-in however lies the danger. Sometimes if you’re not conscious of your actions it can be a little like falling down a rabbit hole, to the neglect of your other relationships. 

Before anyone gets the idea this is a issue special to poly only.  Think of someone you know who is monogamous and a time when they got into a new relationship.  Chances are if you wrack your brain hard enough, you probably can think of someone who dropped off the face of the earth when they got into such a relationship.  All their time was spent with that one individual. Seemingly every waking minute was planned around the desires of the couple.

In poly this can be doubly so.  Contrary to what every romance novel would tell you NRE can strike more than once.  It’s just as exciting and unique as the first time it happens. Unlike monogamous relationships though, in poly relationships there may or may not be other romantic interest already involved when it strikes a new.  When that happens it can open the door to any number of feelings and emotions. Not just for the one experiencing the NRE, but their partners as well. For the individual’s partners, it can stir up any number of emotions ranging from compersion on one side of the scale to jealousy on the other.

For those experiencing the NRE, congratulations, it’s an exciting feeling.  However, in the midst of experiencing new love, don’t forget to attend to your existing relationships. It can be easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment and while I’m all for following the passion try to remain cognizant of the blinders NRE can place on you.  Don’t allow the flourishing of a new relationship come at the cost of existing ones. Attend to the relationship(s) you have existing, they are there because you chose for them to be there and you want them there. For those watching from the outside in, as your partner wends their way through this new flood of emotions, some of you may be able to experience compersion.  Taking joy in your partner’s newly manifested feelings and happiness. For others it can lead to hesitation, especially if it is your first time in such a situation.  

While you should always communicate with your partner, this is one scenario where communication is absolutely necessary.  Especially in the beginning, it can help to establish boundaries and a working dialogue. It can aid to alleviate the fear or jealousy that can manifest.  It ensures that while the schedule may change, it is still reliable. Most importantly it gives everyone a chance to feel seen and heard.

Finally keep in mind NRE will not last forever. It may last one month, it may last two years (or so I’ve read somewhere).  That may sound scary to some, but NRE is not representative of the entire lifespan of a relationship. It is but one step in the evolutionary process.  In time feelings morph, passion can give way to a deeper love and connection. Does that mean you’ll never have fiery white hot sex again? No it just means in between those times you’re rolling around under the covers, you’ll find serenity in holding the one you love close & being content.  

NRE can be an exciting experience within the realm of the polyworld, and really within the realm of any intimate relationship(s).  However in running full steam ahead, it behooves us not to lose sight of our surroundings less we sacrifice other relationships we have worked so hard to build.  

  • Almost 32nd Birthday, Poly Guy 1

What’s Your Love Language?

February 14, 2020 /

Learning a love language is just as complex as another language; it takes practice, sometimes immersion in the culture, and patience. Most of us aren’t polyglot, who know several languages. I still struggle with English even though it’s my native language. In any case, I persevere through this struggle and discover more about myself in the process. 

There are 5 languages of love: 

Words of Affirmation 

Uses of active listening and words to build up your partner(s). 

Gifts 

Uses thoughtful gifts and gestures to show your gratitude toward your companion(s). 

Act of Services

Uses action to show you’re partnered with them. 

Quality Time 

Uses undivided attention and focused conversation to connect with your partner(s). 

Physical Touch

Uses non-verbal (body language) and touch to express love for their partner(s). 

These are the bare minimum definitions of how we give and receive love with our partner(s). Though this test is not as extensive as The Myers Briggs assessment, it provides basic insight on how to understand your partner(s) and/or metamour(s). Understanding someone’s love languages can help build a foundation for new relationships or reconnect an existing one. Like most personality tests, things change over time and who we were ten, five, or even a year ago can change. 

The first time my partner and I took the test, my primary love language was quality time and his’ was physical touch. After recently taking the test again, my top language was quality time, followed by acts of service and words of affirmation. These are the ideal ways to understand my partner’s expression of love. While people may have different love languages, this knowledge is used to not only communicate love, but provide prospective to one another. It helps one understand that love is unique, just as people are unique. 

Quality time is not always about the physical time, but the prep work and a dash of spontaneity. As an event designer, I’ve learned how to plan an evening down to a T. Granted there are factors such as traffic, cook time, and service that can be unpredictable factors in an evening affair. On the other hand, I was thoroughly impressed by a date that started with a rooftop happy hour, which led to drinks at my favorite book bar, and ended with a run to Japantown for udon. We had both planned bits and pieces of the date but left the rest up to spontaneity.

Our love language bleeds into heartache as well. When I am down, I also like to surround myself with friends and loved ones. The night we got broken up with, I was at a design event and rushed home to make sure my partner was okay. In the uber back, I rallied some friends to be there for me- literally. That was not the same mentality as my partner, he wanted to be alone. Though my partner and I have different love languages, this particular night we utilized different avenues for support. I spent the rest of the evening sharing and bottle of wine (or several) with two friends. Their company eased some of the pressure and helped process some of what was happening. 

Overall, love languages are tools and form of communication to feel most loved with our distinctive personalities. These languages relate to not only our paramours, metamours, but friends and family. Being in tune with these insights can help aid any relationship. Even if you’ve taken it before, I challenge you to take The 5 Love Languages quiz. And as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights of happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory. 

-Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

Are You Vers? Polyamory & Sex

February 7, 2020 /

Greetings All,

This week of things we’ve learned after coming out poly.  We’re talking about sex. Though to be honest it’s not just since coming out poly that my views have changed and evolved.  The shifts came with moving to the Bay Area & opening up the fiance’s & I’s relationship. Perhaps the greatest of these shifts is understanding that love and sex are not, nor need not be forever entwined.  While the concepts can feed into and enhance the other, one does not need the other to survive or even thrive.

Growing up in today’s culture there is a myth perpetuated regarding love and sex.  Movies and books taught us “the one” would come along one day in our future. That, that “one” we should save ourself for.  That to have sex and initimacy before such a person comes along would be to stain your sexual life for years to come. Such beleifs are further compounded by sex ed in schools.  While I appreciate the attempt made at providing insight into the process. The fear-mongering I was subjected to, woefully underprepared me for the journey I would embark on years later.  Not to mention gay sex remained a completely mystery to me, until I got a hold of porn and my first boyfriend. Since opening up our sex lives I have learned a great deal about sex and intimacy and the roles they play in healthy relationships.

Less anyone thinking I’m railing against the classic love story and touting it as a fraudulent scenario, rest assured I’m not.  I simply propose a different perspective. The beauty of a romance novel, is it pulls at our heart strings & stokes our passions.  It takes a moment in the main characters life and sensationalizes it. We as humans can empathize with those bright burning plot points. The sensation of falling in love, the heat from a long awaited touch, or the feeling of melting into the arms of a lover you have yearned for.  All of these things can and do happen, but they can also happen more than once. Knowing that it’s happened before or can happen again does not diminish the impact it has in the moment, because each time is unique. A moment captured in time.

Perhaps one of the greatest revelations I have had in the past few years.  Is that sex can just be for pleasure. I know this sounds like an obvious statement, but again I bought into the belief that every connection had to be an intimate one.  That every partner I had. I would need a deep intimate connection with in order for the sex to be meaningful. What I have learned is. I can have deep intimate connections and meaningful sex with certain individuals, yes.  My Fiance, my Boyfriend, a few close paramours to a certain extent, but I can also have blazing white hot sex with a hook-up off of grindr I met 15 min ago and be more than satiated for very different reasons. Now I know some of you are judging me harshly and calling me a liar. Rarely is a quick hook-up off of Grindr *that good*, but hand to heart, he did not disappoint.         

For a moment I’ll dive a little deeper into my sex life than I typically would, but I think it provides an illustrative point, least it was for me.  One evening I had the opportunity to participate in a sex party. While I’ve been to several this one was unique in its design, the participants were divided into two groups based on their position of preference. This was decided before the party, and once it was locked in, it could not be changed. The bottoms would arrive first and be hooded before the tops were let in.  Once the party started those hoods were not to be removed in the play area. We were there to serve any and all tops who took an interest in us. There would be no discourse before hand, no introductions more than say a touch on the shoulder and an easing pressure, just enough to let the hooded individual no someone was there.The interaction would be purely anonymous in both directions.  To some I’m sure this would make their skin crawl for a variety of reasons. For myself it was a liberating experience. The anonymity absolved me of a certain level of responsibility, and allowed me to enjoy the full variety sensations my body was indulged in. Think of it as wearing a blindfold on the most extreme of scales. 

Intimacy, pleasure, sexual tension, love, physical sensations. The numerous sensations that converge to define our sexual identity are infinite. Love and sex compliment each other in ways that are nuturing and satisfying.   Lust and exploration can ignite passion and hunger that stokes flame. Any combination is possible. The opportunity to explore these iterations in a variety of ways has helped to mature a previously hidden and denied side of myself.   

-Always in Love, Poly Guy 1

Evolution of My Sexual Identity

February 7, 2020 /

I still remember that naive freshman version of myself, so excited to start a new chapter in my life, both educational and sexual. Within the first quarter, I came out as gay to one of my best friends, The Engineer Trainee, and met a boy. He had that suave punk-rock band look to him with a curtain role model haircut. We met at a student government assembly for our dorm. He sat directly across me and made some ridiculous faces. I had to take a look around me to make sure that his gestures were intended for me. And they were. After the meeting we chatted for a bit and exchanged numbers. 

Flash forward to our first date, it was on campus because there wasn’t much for low-funded students to do off campus. We decided to meet up one afternoon for coffee and a rock band show. We got our coffees, found a grassy section in the middle of the quad and began divulging into each other’s lives. “How many boyfriends do you have?”, he asked. It was zero at the time but I didn’t want to tell him that so I said two. “Have you had sex yet?”, I was truthful and said no. He chuckled. I then asked “How many guys have you slept with?”, and his response was, “Honestly, I don’t know.” 19-year-old me was shocked. How do you not know this number? Not even a ballpark? After that the mood had become different for the rest of the date. 

A couple days later I ask what changed. He explained to me that he’d wish his first time was with someone special. That it had ruined his view of sex and he didn’t want to continue pursuing our relationship because he wanted my first time to be different than his. I didn’t understand it. I wanted him so bad and did foolish things as a result. I started smoking because he smoked and eventually had sex with some guy to spite him.

Monogamy:

Since my first attempt I’ve learned what sex is, how it plays into a healthy relationship, and how it can affect emotions. I was in several monogamous relationship where sex was sacred. Sex was our connection; we shared with one another and no one else. As I grew and explored the parameters of these relationships, I broke some hearts by some variation of cheating. It was devastating. But after several haircuts and bleaching sessions I was ready to try again. 

Open-relationship: 

Once my partner and I were reunited after my study abroad, we decided to stay open. It was in our best interest because our sexual chemistry had changed. I felt weird about hooking up with other guys with him. This led to a change in my view of sex: from this soul-bonding experience between me and another person, to something more casual. We continued to have sexual relations with several guys, nothing serious. I had issues hearing about some of his encounters, it might have been internalized jealousy (a topic we’ll talk about). At the time, I didn’t question my needs or feelings and how to utilize communication to get past the issues.

Non-monogamy: 

It wasn’t till we started our journey into non-monogamy that I realized sex is sex. Our relationship still retained a component of intimacy, but also embraced a different aspect of it. We were introduced to various guys, who were sex-positive and did not slut-shame one another for their sexual desires. Our sexual needs fluctuate and change, which was okay. Since we both still love each other, sex wasn’t such a driving force within our relationship like it was in my monogamous past.

Overall, when it comes to sex in a polyamorous setting, my views have shifted. It’s not everything. Sex (sexual relationships) and love (romanctic relationships) do not have to equate to one another. We open up ourselves, physically and emotionally, and the outcome is our own. This is just one take on sex. Other polyamorous people may have a different narrative and that’s okay. We should celebrate each person’s efforts to discover themselves. There isn’t a clear path to navigate our sexual desires. A very wise friend once texted, “Poly is always an ongoing communication thing. If feelings happen, positive or negative, it’s important to feel okay to express them, and then find a way to address them.” The same can be said about sexual discovery and the journey to it.

– Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

Bon Voyage: The Importance & Beauty of Community Events

February 1, 2020 /

Greetings All,

This week my co-conspirator and I opted to take a break from the poly conversation to discuss the importance of community & community centered events. Particularly in regards to the gay world.  While yes, this post is tailored to a specific community. I think the overarching concepts are relatable to any community: acceptance, kindness, support, & security. Sometimes we forget what it’s like to be surrounded by those of like-kin and just how necessary it can be for the nurturing of our souls. 

I recently had the opportunity to experience my first gay cruise.  Where, quite literally, with a few small exceptions, the entirety of the ship’s passenger manifest was gay.  Never in my life have I experienced such an event. I’ve been to Pride and any number circuit & after-hours parties, but these have a very short and curated duration. They pale in comparison to the week-long excursion this trip was.  

The cruise was a floating island, encompassing all aspects of an individual’s life for a week, sans responsibility.  It’s one thing to meet a guy on the dance floor sweaty, riding high, dancing, and in a jock strap for a few brief hours.  It’s a completely different experience to greet a guy, after having showered (most likely), sipping coffee at breakfast, and in a jock strap, at the start of your day.  The mental states are completely different, as are the agendas (maybe/maybe not). While I joke about jockstraps, my point is , the cruise provided an opportunity for people to let down their guards.  It’s something I heard time and time again from so many onboard.  

Many of us learn and self-teach from a young age to conceal who we are.  To shield ourselves from rejection and ridicule, perceived and real. For some of us, including myself, you don’t even realize how tightly you’ve held onto this part of you, because it has become almost instinctual.  Then you find yourself on this cruise and a moment occurs. I’m sure it’s a little bit different for everyone, but maybe, for example, you’re walking around the ship with your arm around a cute boy’s waist. For what feels like the very first time you look up and around. You actually look at strangers in the eye as they walk by.  Not ten feet past them, but at them. In that moment you breathe for what feels like the first time. Instead of the judgement or malice or confusion you’ve come to fear, what you find in their gaze instead is kindness or warmth or support or any mix of these. Things you’ve been searching for, for so, so long. 

There’s a certain level of romanticizing happen here. Yes. I know.  However, the sentiment isn’t terribly far from the truth. The overwhelming sense serenity and unbridled joy that comes from being able to immerse oneself in such an environment and for a full week no less, is a feeling unlike any other. 

Less my readers think such cruises and experiences are privy only to the few with sculpted abs and effervescent youth (neither of which I ascribe to, for the record). Let me assure all, the variety of men (and the occasional woman) I saw and interacted with on the ship knew no bounds. The spectrum of individuals was as wide and as the endless as horizon in front of us.  No matter what you were looking for, it could be found on that ship. Not only that, but there would doubtless be others eager to join you in your passion. I can recall dancing with circuit boys all night one evening. Only to have a very late breakfast the next morning with a newly retired couple on the first week of their 14-week jaunt around the world. These represent but two of an infinite number of interactions I had with guys from all walks of life over the course of the week. 

While I can attest there were no shortage of the costumes, candy, & body counts on board. I can also promise that what people got out of this cruise was more than a string of passionate one-night stands. (Though it didn’t hurt your room was a walk away from the dance floor.) People sought and found new relationships and camaraderie on a scale it would be hard to replicate anywhere else.  There was no need to fear reaching out to new acquaintances and expressing interest, platonic or otherwise. The response was always the same polite, kind, and often with a smile.      

After a week of floating around on the open ocean with other gay men.  My feet have come to be firmly planted back in the realm of the real world.  I still have messages trickling in from new friends and old alike reminiscing about our time on the cruise. Together we had built something in a week that cannot be replicated easily.  The voyage gave us an opportunity to bond over shared life experiences. To look the other person in the eye and say ‘Yes, I get it. You don’t have to explain a thing to me. I know. We’re in this together.’. 

Does this mean we don’t need our allies? Or that we are ungrateful for the outpouring of love and support we receive from those who give it to us unconditionally everyday? The answer is absolutely not. We will be forever grateful to all of those individuals.  But sometimes, you just want to be able to dance the night away in the arms of a cute boy and for that one blissful moment feel liberated, accepted, and at peace. To heave that breath and let it, and all your worries, be carried away by the warm ocean breeze.        

  • Always in Love, Poly Guy 1

Bears, Otters, & Cubs… OH MY!

February 1, 2020 /

As a youngster, in a suburban city with 4 gay bars at the time, there were few opportunities to involve myself in the LGBTQ community that didn’t include alcohol. Granted I didn’t have the proper resources or knowledge at the time to research LGBTQ events for teens. After high school, I struggled to make genuine connections with other gay people beyond the premise of sex or a relationship. Gay friends were hard to come by. It wasn’t until community college that I made my first true gay friend, the Accountant.

When I moved up to San Francisco, I made it a goal to find a community of my own. While, yes, that included dating various “interesting” guys; I eventually built a rapport with a group of gay guys. They were established in their careers and gathered for weekly happy hour at various bars throughout the city. I owe a great deal to them because they taught me how to carry myself, sparked interest with the gay softball league in the City, and helped craft a footing into my identity. 

I spent the past year going to more LGBTQ events for occasions such as: Pride, Dore Alley, and Folsom Street Fair. Before, it’d just be a group of us that would bar hop on such event weekends. And for several years that one aspect satisfied my thirst for community involvement. I eventually realized that while it was a part of the event culture, I was missing out on something more. 

LGBTQ events have been also played a role in the creation of who I am. They provide a safe space, where I can be myself without the hassle or filters brought on societal norms. These types of events were built to be inclusive for the community and their allies.

One of my favorite events that I’d like to share was Bearacuda, a party during Folsom Street Fair weekend. It was a hot mess of guys dancing, grinding and other things that shouldn’t be mentioned. The event space hosted a variety of social gatherings for all types of communities in San Francisco. The multi-level venue had several bars and three dance areas inside. The first was the main stage, with a balcony surrounding three-sides of it and playing a variety of EDM music. Off to the side of the balcony was another room, smaller and pumping out some good vibes with remixes of 80’s to today’s top hits. Outside they provided a smoking area and a silent disco.  

As the name infers it was a bear event, filled with “bears, cubs and other wildlife” of all shapes and sizes. Founded in 2006, in San Francisco, Bearracuda is known as “the largest bear party in the U.S,” according to their website. We came with a small group of friends and eventually found more friends, who we didn’t know were going to be there, to form a gaggle of gays. We partook in drinks, dancing, and conversations with cute guys. My favorite part was getting on stage and jamming out with some random people who were dancing to the beat of the music. I adore such events because they celebrate body positivity among the gay community. A community that is well-known for maintaining unrealistic beauty standards. 

Through these events, I have built a community of friends that… have shaped my outlook on life. They have brought insight and exposure on facets such as: throuples, polyamory, body positivity, rope play, and puppy play. It taught me: “Don’t yuck someone else’s yum.” I don’t dismiss someone else’s lifestyle because it doesn’t align with mine. Stayed tuned for next week’s post that will delve into polyamory and sex. Don’t forget to like and comment with any topic that is a part of your poly journey.

-Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

Staring Down the Unknown: Mono/Poly Relationships

January 29, 2020 /

Greetings All,

My apologies for the delay in uploading this post.  I had fully intended to conceive this it prior to my vacation, but alas such was not the case.  I did not however want to let this topic pass me by. It is one that is quite personal to me. Jellybean and I have been dating for a little over a year now.  We share a monogamous/polyamorous relationship (I’ll let you guess who of us is which). It has been a very exciting relationship, but not without its struggles as well. 

One of the reasons (aside from tropical sun) I’m delayed in writing this post is, I wanted an opportunity to incorporate my boyfriend’s views.  His voices and views are very distinct from my own, and equally important to this conversation. Especially if we are to make our relationship work.  Something we both very much want. When I had envisioned this post I had seen it in the style of Q & A. Slowly building from easy to more and more complex topics and conversation points.  What I did not forsee, but soon learned was that I was woefully unprepared for the flood of emotions and fears it would bring to the surface for both of us.

When I started the Q & A that night. I started with the easy questions.  How did we meet? When did he know he was in love? Why did he choose to pursue a relationship? How did he view our relationship? Easy questions, but important ones.  It helped to establish a beginning, and, bonus, it made me feel fuzzy to hear him list the ways he loved me. As the night wore on we waded further into the history of our relationship. 

One crucial moment in our history came when I admitted to falling in love with another guy and dating him.  This was the turning point that night in the conversation, because that had been the first time we had come face to face with the poly aspect of my dating life. (I will not go into the specifics of that admission, but suffice it to say it was a hard night for both of us, with plenty of broken-hearts to go around.)  Talking about this moment in our relationship was incredibly difficult for him. It brought up fears he’d been burying and forced us both to confront some possible harsh realities. There were tears that night and pain. While I wish I could say that we patched everything up and found a path forward that made us both happy, the truth is neither of us have a good answer even now. What we do know is we love each other, and that we want this to work. For now, that is enough.  What I would like to share from that night, and what I think is important to take away from it, is the following:

1.) Communicate, communicate, communicate:  Not just the I love you and the warm fuzzy parts, but the difficult parts as well.  I promise neither of you is going to like it and it might be scary as hell. You may dig up some truths that shake the foundations of your relationship. That doesn’t mean the relationship will end.  All that means is you’ll have to work through/with them. Bringing the uncomfortable parts to lights allows you to address them together, over time. Dialogue will help if not to overcome them, at least find ways to cope with them as people process their emotions and thoughts. Avoiding or concealing those aspects of your relationship will only allow them to fester in the shadows unchecked.  A fate much worse. Making it harder to overcome those difficulties as now they’ve become entrenched. Not impossible, just harder.  

That night the two of us talked while we were laying on the couch, he had asked quietly and with tears in eyes, what would happen if he could never accept that I was poly.  Something I have expressed as an integral part of my identity. It was a difficult question. One I don’t have a quick answer to. On one side, here was an individual I loved heart and soul. On the other was an aspect of my life that allowed me to feel whole and nurture relationships that helped me thrive.  The only response I could give him that night was ‘I don’t know’. I think that’s ok. I think we have to allow ourselves the opportunity and the time to figure things out along the way. To have faith that all parties are working with the same ultimate end goal in mind, even if they don’t have the answer at this moment.  We don’t have the answer now, but we will get there. Do not get me wrong, this sounds easy on paper. In practice it can be gut-wrenching and terrifying. I left that night feeling completely drained and dejected. All I had wanted to do was comfort Jellybean and promise him everything would be ok, but in the end it wasn’t a promise I could make.  I could only promise we would figure it out.  

2.) Patience: If you’re going forward in a mono/poly relationship, understand people are operating from inherently different mental models. Finding a balance is going to take time.  There is no set timeline for how long that might be either. For those of us who are are on the poly side. It may mean slowing up dating or taking on new partners. It will definitely mean checking in more often with you partner, talking with them, reassuring them.  Give your partner the opportunity to breathe and process. We are not all wired the same way. We need the time and space to ask questions and talk things through. You may be super excited to introduce them to your world, but remember this is probably new to them, or at least different. They deserve the opportunity to process on their own terms.  You most likely didn’t get to this point overnight. Neither will they.

I made the mistake of throwing my boyfriend into the deep end without so much as a lifeline.  I freely, though not casually, admitted to loving someone else and dating them all in one breath. Further still this came after we had been dating for only several months.  The admission was heart-breaking and earth-shattering all in one phone call. The anguish was palatable in his voice and he ended our relationship that night. Time and events would slowly brings us back together, but we did not escape without scars. 

3.) Reassurance:  Be sure to express your feelings and reinforce them.  Check-in constantly to make sure everyone is on the same page.  The experience of logic and emotion being at war is not uncommon.  It’s easy enough to logically understand something, but completely different to experience and process a concept. For us on the poly-side it’s going to require finding ways to reassure and comfort our partners.  For those on the monogamous side, it’s going to require some faith in your partner and experiencing some uncomfortable situations. That doesn’t mean jumping off the deep end. It means taking baby steps. Trying a little at a time as you build the foundation of the relationship and discover its boundaries.  There is going to be give and take on both sides. You are more than likely going to stumble a few times, but that’s ok. As long as you remember, you’re in this together.

4.) Forgiveness:  Do not abuse this power. Mistakes will be made, but don’t be careless or wanton. As I previously mentioned, there’s probably going to be some stumbling, maybe even a few disagreements.  Progress is not made without challenges. In the heat of the moment, it’s probably going to be hard to remember this, but once the dust settles, remember, you’re both working towards the same goal. Take some time to process your own emotions.  Then come back together and try again. In time it will get easier and you can build a dialogue.  

5.) Celebrate:  It can be intimidating and daunting to face the unknown.  Especially when there are not many examples to look at for how such a relationship should work.  The truth is though, at their core, romantic relationships are about people in love. People who have chosen, for whatever reason, to share a bond or commitment.

I love the relationship I have with my boyfriend.  He makes me smile from ear to ear. Yes it’s more complicated than a monogamous relationship, does that make it any less valuable? Not in the least.  It’s just a different set of rules. If we forget to enjoy moments along the way, that relationship which we are building, we may soon forget why we were together at all.           

These are just a few of the lessons I have learned through my own experience and that evening’s conversation. This has also been an incredibly difficult post for me to write.  One, because it is so personal and two, because it’s all still so new. Some days I feel like we’re on top of the world and just as quickly we can come tumbling back down. I doubt this will ever change, but hopefully it will get easier in time.  My boyfriend asked me that night, why things had to be so hard. I once again didn’t have a good answer. I could have told him nothing in life worth having is easy, but that sounded dismissive. I could have told him that there’s nothing hard about loving him, but that’s too cliche. In the end I could only kiss his head and tell him I loved him, because that was the truth.  Time will tell how successful we are, but I have faith in him, and this relationship. That is all I need to know. Everything else we can figure out along the way, together. 

-Always in Love, Poly Guy 1

Poly with Others

January 24, 2020 /

Hello friends, welcome back to our blog. This week I’ll be talking about poly relationships that involve a non-poly partner and how labels can do more harm than help. In a previous post, I characterized my partner as monogamous, in the polycule, but that wasn’t the case. We are open and do have sexual relationships outside of each other. A better term to identify him as undefined in the polyamorous realm. 

Writing about my personal life is yes, a way to get my feelings out in a creative realm, but also an avenue to understand polyamory through other blogs, podcasts, and literature. After listening to a podcast by Polyamory uncensored, the guest didn’t define themselves as poly but ethically non-monogamous. More Than Two has defined responsible (ethical) non-monogamy: Any relationship that is not sexually and/or emotionally exclusive by the explicit agreement and with the full knowledge of all the parties involved. It can take several forms and is distinct from cheating in that everyone involved knows about and agrees to the activity. It often explicitly spells out the conditions under which it is permissible for one person to take on additional partners. 

In polyamory, mono-poly relationships are a common type of relationship. To reiterate: a mono-poly relationship is a relationship between a monogamous person and a polyamorous person. Mono-poly relationships, like any other kind of relationship, can be difficult and takes a lot of work.

This relationship type can be brought on by various factors such as: different relationship orientation, mismatched libido, distance, or time and energy limitations. My partner and I’s agreement to become open was initially due to distance. With our rather sexual appetite, we agreed while I was studying abroad, we open our relationship. There was a premise of closing when I got back. Then our relationship transformed into different sexual desire. While abroad, I realized I was far behind my cohorts in my career goals and so we kept our relationship open. We are both actively trying to further our career goals and has caused some aches.

Some hardships of an open-poly relationships are: time management, overcoming cultural conditioning, and logic versus emotion syndrome. Time management can be a tricky subject for any poly person when involved with another person, who may need more time with them than they are able or willing to give. My co-conspirator and I can attest how a shared calendar with our partners can help lessen the load. “Was it in the calendar?” One of the hardest parts of poly was overcoming the monogamy-centric cultural conditioning that most of us grew up in. I was raised in a suburban city, surrounded by monogamous families, with a house, white picket fences, and a dog or two. Prior to this past year, that is all I knew, monogamy was all I could imagine for my life. But opening myself to exploring non-monogamy has changed my perception of what life could be. Logic versus emotions deals with what we think and what we feel that don’t align. Though I don’t have a clear way to navigate this challenge, my personal experience has been softened with deep conversations with others who identify as polyamorous.

Some tools for mono-poly (in my case x-poly) relationship are: boundaries and expectations, open communication, and reflection. All of these tools can be applied to any relationship and are somewhat interconnected. When I first opened to the idea of poly, I didn’t know what boundaries to put on it besides no guys in our bed without consent from my partner. It felt like an open relationship but with the added bonus of feelings. Boundaries are used to voice what we are okay and not okay with our partner(s). Communication, my partner and several close will vouch that communication, when it comes to difficult subjects, isn’t my strong suit. This tool is especially important when dealing with complex issues. Reflection, not just in reference to yourself but to your partner(s)… What are your wants and needs? What are theirs? This mechanism is used to check-in and see what was needed then is something you needed now. 

As I mentioned in the beginning of the post, my partner has not defined himself as anything on the polyamory spectrum. He doesn’t need to, we all work out things in our own time. I have chosen to identify as polyamorous (cute tidbit poly can also short for Polynesian, which I am not). Forcing a label for my partner has adversely affected his outlook on poly. I’ve always like labels on things because it helps decipher the poison from the wine. But through experience I’ve realized that we live in an era, where everything doesn’t need to be clearly defined or put in a box. We always have the choice to put in the effort and change ourselves to grasp a new view point. I’ll keep you posted on how it worked out.

– Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

This Is Me!!!

January 17, 2020 /

Coming out, in any capacity, can be difficult due to various internal or external fears. For some, including myself, coming out was a transformative experience. It allowed me to be truly myself without the fear of people judging my every action, post, or view. Coming out as poly took a bit of a left-turn. 

The past couple months, with the start of the blog and other life changes, I’ve told people, “I’m very transparent about my life to whoever wants to listen.” But this wasn’t always the case. When my partner (the Simulator) and I started dating the EDMer, I didn’t tell any of my friends or family because I was nervous. I didn’t know how’d they react, or say because my situation wasn’t common or something they’d have experience with. I didn’t have a clear and concise plan of how things would go. So I hid that part of my life for some time, I felt my friends or family didn’t need to know that part of my life. But the fact was I did need them to know. I started with my closest friends and then branched out to others. 

The first relative I let in on everything was “Stubby.” She’s my closest cousin, both in age and in likability. As kids, we were the rambunctious, adventurous, food-playing type of youngsters at family events. It wasn’t till the end of one relationship that I revealed to her about my open and poly lifestyle. 

Our families had gathered that day to go to a baseball game in tribute to our grandfather passing a couple years prior. Once we met up, we made our way to our seats, but not before we snagged some of the ballpark’s infamous margaritas. 

After a couple sips, or gulps, I gave her the full rundown on my life for the last 6 months, which included going from open to poly. It was a lot to process because I hadn’t given her any of this information prior. Her reaction was formed into the following emotions: shocked, nervous, impressed, and curious.

Shocked: Polyamory was new to her, she didn’t know anyone that was in this type of relationship.

Nervous: With all this new information, she was worried that I was being pressured to do things I didn’t want to do. Looking back on it, her initial fear stemmed from an emotional aspect, there were so many more ways to get hurt in this type of lifestyle. She mentioned, “Monogamous relationships are already tricky, so adding another person’s wants, needs, past, and goals creates this whole new dynamic that seems like a lot to balance.”

Impressed: She recounts the way I described the relationships and the struggles were so factual. I was so honest with her and myself in the moment solidified that these were real, genuine, and long-term feelings. It was welcoming knowing she saw that this decision wasn’t, “just for fun,” or to get out of my current relationship. She also noted, “I had done a lot of reflection, identified the rough spots, and were thinking proactively on how to make everything work.”

Curious: Our entire conversation was contained over 9-innings of baseball and she had a million questions flying through her head. How does this all work? How do you manage your own emotions?!… But thank goodness the blog exists so we can cover some of these questions we both shared. 

Another coming out involves, “The Poet,” he was sensitive, empathetic, and my second boyfriend. Coming out to him was unintentional. I had sent out Facebook requests, to various friends, to like our Facebook page and he was one of them. Most friends liked our page without question, but not him. He was always a curious one and used empathy to dissect any topic. 

He reached out to me on Instagram to find out more about the blog. I saw his message, “Tbh  I had a feeling monogamy wasn’t your jam :P.” While I chuckled, it also evoked curiosity to why he thought monogamy wasn’t my forte, so I asked. 

His response: 

One thing that stood out and makes sense now is when you look at your view of best friends and how easy it is for you to navigate what you need from each of them and still maintain a deep connection with each of them. 

Another would be when we were in our relationship. Looking back on it now, what happened with The Accountant (also referred to as my first love) makes a lot of sense now. You are the type of person who wants to experience life and everything it has to offer. And you have the capacity to experience love and connection with more than just one primary person. 

I mean from a monogamous narrative what happened with the accountant would be viewed as emotional cheating. And from poly narrative it was you seeking out a form of intimacy and connection that I wasn’t able to give you when we were together. 

While things didn’t work out with the poet, I’m glad we were able to get to a point in which we can be cordial and have conversations. 

These two examples of how coming out have helped me feel comfortable in my own way of living. Though they might have different views on life and love, they didn’t condon me for this life choice. I appreciate their openness and can only hope the same reaction from others who aren’t aware of this new life exploration. These are two positive examples of coming out but for some it could have an adverse effect and that’s for them to decide. You are you! As the great Theodor Seuss Geisel said, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” 

– Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

Welcome to the family! Opening Up About My Poly Life

January 17, 2020 /

  Lesson Number 1 when coming out to family.  Always check your text messages before you send.  Your sister will not appreciate the play by play of your one night stand and your mother will be very confused why your boyfriend is coming to the Fourth of July BBQ & your fiance is not.  Luckily I was blessed with an incredibly open-minded and welcoming mother & sibling. While at first my mistakes came off as blatant errors and a clear indication of cheating, both gave me the opportunity to explain myself and our new relationship structure.  That is not to say the understand or get it themselves, but they know it makes me happy and that is enough for them.

To be honest I’m not sure I would have come out to them, or maybe just not as early as I did, had I not goofed and spilled the beans.  That being said I’m glad I did, it makes talking about my life easier and lets me bring my family into my world. I have a close relationship with my family, particularly my mother & my sister, so being able to share more of my world is always better for me. That’s not to say I share the tawdry details, we do have some boundaries, but there are plenty of other aspects of polyamory that are not about sex worth speaking and gushing over.  Things like, super secret christmas projects, designed specifically for your boyfriend that you keep promising to complete even though Christmas was essentially a month ago. I’m still working on it!!! But when its finished is will be amazing!

Family aside, I did make a concerted effort to tell a few co-workers and even my boss recently.  Through blessed serendipity, my company has offices in both San Francisco & Sacramento. I like an hour south of San Francisco and my boyfriend (Jellybean) lives in Sacramento, two hours north of San Francisco.  All told a three hour trip for either of us should we want to visit, not a casual visit. These days however, have laptop, will travel. Architecture however is not completely without the need for an office space, so the fact that my company has that Sacramento office is like I said, serendipity. It allows me to spend extra time with Jellybean without eating into my limited vacation time.  Also, its nice to be able to spend time with loved ones in the normal course of your day, to have them involved.

Thus came the crux of the matter.  I probably could have made up some excuse for wanting to be up in Sacramento, but I’m terrible at keeping secrets, and as I’ve mentioned previously, no one should have to be a secret.  I wanted full disclosure, with my boss at least, because my new schedule will put me in Sacramento with Jellybean for a week every two months, not an insubstantial amount of time.  

You may be wondering how he took it and how I told him?  The answer to the first is in good stride, though I’m not entirely sure he doesn’t believe I’m cheating on the Fiance.  His response was, with a cordial smile, well your reasons are your own, and maybe we can just tell people you’re cat-sitting. I must admit at that point it was really hard for me to keep a straight face, his intent came from the heart, that I’m sure of.  If I’d been presented with a scenario, outside the mainstream norm, I can’t say with absolute certainty it wouldn’t take me a moment to reorient myself. Sometimes people just need a bit of time to process, that much I believe individuals are entitled to.  As to how I told him. I chose to do it in private. First, while I’m open (trying to be), my life is not to be fodder for the office tabloids. Second, it gave the two of us a chance to have a conversation and him to ask any questions, should he have any, without an audience.  Moral of the story, we left the room happy He with, what I’m sure would be a dinner conversation with his wife later, and me a guaranteed week with Jellybean for the foreseeable future.               

Everyone’s mileage will vary on this topic, I know. I’m lucky in a lot of ways.  I’m not here to make grand proposals and sweeping proclamations. Just here to say, from one normal gay poly guy to the next individual.  The impossible is not as untenable as it may seem and sometimes, if you give them a chance, people may surprise you.

  • Your chatty bed fellow, PG1
« Older posts Newer posts »

© 2024 The Boys in Town

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑