As mentioned before in previous posts, the poly aspect of my Fiance’s and I relationship is relatively new, maybe a year/two-ish. As we developed into a polyamorous couple those boyfriends we had grown close to initially, had been an organic affair. While it was a beautiful way to grow a relationship, open, no strings attached, no expectations, our relationships were more the result of serendipity than an intentional search for paramours. In some cases luck was on our side and these relationships have continued to blossom beautifully, but things such as nebulous boundaries, misaligned expectations, communication deficiencies, all put unnecessary strain on even the most carefree of partnerships and many of those relationships crumbled under that weight.
As we learned from our heart breaks and mistakes (not an easy or painless feat I assure you) and began to take ownership of the polyamorous aspect of our relationship we learned two things. First the internet was both our friend & foe when it came to finding resources & two not all dating apps are created equal.
You know what the problem with being poly is? There’s very few depictions of us in pop culture, very few socially acceptable conversations that don’t end in some kind of joke or judgement being passed. What this means, of course, is like any group of misfits or outliers in this day and age we must turn to the internet, for pretty much everything. (At least at first, until you can grow your community.) The internet can be a great tool, but as with all internet searches approach your findings with a healthy dose of common sense and skepticism. My co-conspirator and I have had reasonable luck with facebook. Search for poly groups or meet-ups has turned up a number of poly-happy hours and get-togethers. To be fair we have only attended one, but it proved to be a success in that we actually got to talk to new people about shared life experiences and desires. We are attending our second next week! For those of you who may live in less urban areas, these same groups, while not available in a physical presence at least allow for a digital correspondence to begin your journey and build your network. I would also defer to Poly Guy 2 for his take on online resources as he does list a few valuable ones I won’t list for a second time here, given he does it so eloquently.
Lesson number two: Not all dating apps are created equal. In the world of gay hook-ups none is more well-known by name alone than Grindr. While I can tell you Grindr has many fun and desirable uses, I’m not sure I would go so far as to say finding paramours is one of them. Unsurprisingly when my Fiance was the first of the two of us to put ‘poly’ in ‘about me’, his inbox was not flooded with a flurry of emails from similar minded guys. Mostly still the usual barrage of dick pics, but now the occasional what is poly? While guys showed an academic interest, for most it transferred into nothing more than a lively educational discussion. These are necessary discussions, and believe me, you will have many of these (for those of you who hate to play the role of educator, please feel free to refer them to this fine blog, we welcome all kinds), it does very little to broaden one’s own community. My fiance’ very quickly found he would need to find a different platform.
My Fiance settled on OkCupid. For two reasons, one the seemingly general approval across a number of articles and websites & two, a past success rate substantiated by our own on-going relationship. OkCupid allowed for a more in-depth profile and search functionality. While apps like Grindr satiates a desire for visual stimuli, who doesn’t want to stare at a chiseled torso, it leaves much to be desired by way of information. Position, last tested date, physical traits, tribes, an often limited description, while great for determining physical and sexual interest and compatibility, provides spartan detail on relationship intentions, goals, and/or desires. It is by no means impossible, but an app or a dating website with a more robust profile is going to allow for, you guessed it, a more robust assessment and understanding of an individual. By no means fool-proof to be certain, just a better success rate. Something which in fact was the case for us when my fiance met one of his current boyfriends the Playwright. He got a theatre consort and I got a night of wine and anime to myself (among other things, to say the least about a beautiful individual)
While it can seem challenging to penetrate this seemingly covert world of free-loving individuals. The fact of the matter is, the majority of us love to talk about our poly lives. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Such conversations nurture us and excite us. We love meeting new people and educating those around us, because like anybody we want to be able to live in the open, without fear of being judged. Finding us may require a little bit of digging, but don’t be afraid to reach out, often you will find open arms and a warm smile on the other side.
- New guy on the block; Poly Guy 1
