Category: Body Image

Hey friends, welcome back. As 2020 comes to a close, we are very fortunate to be a part of a collaboration with 30 other accounts to bring you Happy Polydays. It is a whole month of spreading love, experience, education, normalization, and cheer around polyamory. 

As the last to close out the PolyDays calendar, we wanted to talk about our experience with polyamory and what we hope to accomplish in the new year. After a little over a year of starting our account, we had goals, plans, and dreams to tell our story and help bring awareness and normalizing polyamory to the forefront. We have made some wonderful connections with others who fall under the non-monogamous umbrella. 

Being gay, being Asain, being a man, being human, all comes with their own challenges to fit into the generalized mold that society has put on us. One of those stressors that hits close to home is body image. We had to think about how others perceived us. I had past partners who were uncomfortable with their bodies, hated me touching their “love handles” and such. I didn’t see it as a bad thing, I was embracing all of them through their faults. For me, body image was something that scared me growing up. I was the scrawny Asian kid with a big head. Classmates made fun of how tiny I was and as I grew up, my thoughts on body image grew. When I moved to San Francisco to pursue a degree in Industrial Design, I was presented with new challenges. The gay community can be so topical with interactions at the bars or clubs. I was fortunate to find some amazing older gays who took me in and taught be about gay culture and subcultures. 

As a gay, Asian-American, living in San Francisco I quickly realized that men fetishized me based on my ethnic background. It was quite disheartening. I never really saw myself as someone who pined for one type of person based on genetic, physical features. I later got into a serious monogamous relationship with my now ex-partner of 5 years. In that time, during my senior year at university, I was asked to solve a problem using industrial or graphic design skills. I was at a loss of what to focus my thesis on. After two years of being in a relationship, I noticed the changes my partner at the time had gone through, gaining weight and not feeling sexy or his authentic-self. At that moment, I found a problem and wanted to improve it for him. So I set out to research the issue. After a couple of weeks I quickly realize that the variety of posters up along the street of the gay district of San Francisco featured men of all different ethnicities but mostly in the same fitness shape. These ripped men only endorse something called body dysmorphia. The Mayo Clinic describes this disorder as, “Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental health disorder in which you can’t stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that appears minor or can’t be seen by others.”

At the time of the research, 3 out of 7 gay males felt that Instagram had a negative effect on their body image. As my Grindr profile would note, I am 5 foot 5 inch individual, slim, 115 pounds, Asian. Some call me a “Twink,” others say I am “fun-sized,” I see myself as a person. I have had 28 years to come to terms with this body and I have truly just haven’t given any care to labels. 

Getting back to the thesis, I wanted to challenge the status quo of things in body image among gay men. How best to do that, but by altering the narrative and changing what others see as attractive. The images of men with a six-pack, nice hair, in skimpy clothing… That needed to be more diverse and representative of the men I met in the metropolitan area. 

Through research I found a self-help novel, Embody: Learning to Love Your Unique Body (and Quiet that Critical Voice), by Connie Sobczak that really resonated with my topic. While her novel focused on women, I extracted her main points as a foundation for my thesis to create a unique poster campaign. This campaign would include different men, both ethnically and body size, to highlight that gay men come in all shapes and sizes. It was a hard task to fulfill because these men would have to be naked, with the naughty bits hidden. Luckily I did find some takers that were okay with the concept. I made a make-shift backdrop and photographed 6 individuals, including myself, to pose nude to accentuate different features of the male body. 

There were various iterations of the product before going into production. Some questioned why the images were black and white because the gay culture was so vibrant and full of color. With the help of photoshop and graphic design skills, I was able to create something vivid and striking as the people on the posters. The end product was something that I did put my heart and soul into. I was proud of the work I did as most designers are. 

This passion project and senior thesis really changed my view on body image. Seeing men that did not fit the general mold of standard beauty. Embracing their flaws and seeing the beauty in their imperfections. I, myself, had bad acne growing up and now have scarring due to that but I embrace it. It is me and we all have things we don’t particularly like about ourselves, but instead of hiding them, we should embrace them. Just as the great Dr. Sessus once wrote, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” And that is what I truly hope for in those in the community. Happy New Years Eve! 

And as always, stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights into happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

 -Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

My co-conspirator could have not have said it any better.  This year has been an adventure.  Writing this blog & slowly dipping our toes into the world of poly at large.  It is one thing to experience at the individual level & another to engage others and hear their stories and perspectives.  In a year of cascading and downward trending notes, this blog has been a high note. As we close out this year and the polydays we’ll leave you with this last post & look towards an exciting new year.  

When my partner and I first started opening up our relationship, we created a joint account on, well, a number of apps honestly.  A majority of the responses were par for the course, introductions, the usual questions, maybe an encounter or maybe ghosting. Sounds terrible, but one does become a bit inoculated after a while. Also we actually did meet a number of really amazing guys.  Some were bright passionate sparks who evaporated as quickly as they appeared.  Others are still around in some capacity or another & are individuals I consider dear friends.  Regardless their duration they have left behind (or continue to create) fond memories . 

     In the midst of all that though. There were, & remain, a few interactions that stand-out as a shining example of how truly ugly and vain, society, gay culture specifically in this case, can be.  On two separate occasions I can recall opening the app to find we had a message from someone who messaged us for the sole purpose of criticising our looks.  I don’t remember the specific language, but I do remember the shock of reading the message.  The casual cruelty online anonymity so easily provides a platform for, while it comes as no shock to anyone, it was the first time it had ever been directed at me personally. The feelings the messages brought up were ones of confusion & mostly surprise, and throw in a tinge of anger & offense of course. 

I would soon learn we were one the lucky ones. Where we had received the rare vitriol filled message, others of my friends were bombarded constantly by such messages.  People I knew to be incredible individuals and beautiful all-around. It broke my heart and angered me all at the same time.  Some of them weathered it and let it roll off their back, but others took each and every comment to heart.  Regardless the reaction it was clear it took a toll on everyone of them & how could it not?  We all have insecurities.  Regardless the direction the attack comes from, it plays right into our fears & only seems to reinforce something we already believe about ourselves, even when it’s untrue.

     Each time I received those messages I deleted them.  The thought crossed my mind to respond, to provide some retort, but the truth was, nothing I would say would change their response & did it matter?  Instead I blocked the profile, deleted the message, and moved on.  I clearly think about it from time to time, how can I not?  It was so casually cruel for no other reason than to inflict pain.  

So what exactly is the lesson here? Why do I bother bringing up a seemingly miserable experience when I should be trending towards a high note & uplifting your spirits?  For starters, to remind people, and I cannot stress this enough, don’t be a dick.  It’s really that simple. Just don’t do it.  Outside of this sage bit of advice however, I bring it up because, while yes cruelty does happen (painfully too often) so can beauty and caring.  The important voices, the ones that mattered, were the ones that loved us, supported us, & lifted us up.  They loved us, for being us, flaws and all, which is a wonderful feeling.    
Body image is an interesting thing.  There are fewer things we, as human beings, are more critical of than our own skin.  Fear of gaining too much weight, losing hair, a crooked smile, or a second toe that is longer than the big toe.  These are just a few of my own foibles, but the list is as endless and as varied, as there are individuals on this Earth. The number of times I’ve looked in a mirror and found a flaw in the reflection is beyond counting. The truth however is I should learn to be far less critical than I am, not an easy task, but the alternative is eating away at my own self-confidence & shaming myself for being what no one else can be, myself.