The Boys in Town

Happiness, heart breaks, & a whole mess of spelling errors

Author: Poly Guy 1 (Page 2 of 3)

Pass the Kleenex – Learning from Past Relationships

May 11, 2020 /

When the tears finally dry, and the anger and pain recede. We are finally able to assess that, which is no longer, with clarity.  And unless the relationship was one of true toxicity and abhorrence, more often than not, we can look back and find at least one or two shining moments.

Not all relationships last a lifetime.  Some would say that’s makes it a failure, caused by one or both the individuals involved.  They didn’t do something right, or maybe it was never meant to be.  With a simple turn of phrase we seem able to invalidate all that had come before, because it doesn’t align with what is considered a successful relationship, unending love that lasts a lifetime.

While the idea in itself can be romantic, I think, if not careful, it can be misguided and set up relationships for failure.  I think this for one simple reason, time alone is not proof of a successful relationship.  Think of an ex, now imagine if you’d pinned on an additional five years?  Do you think that time alone would have made the relationship a more successful one, simply cause it had lasted longer?  Chances are probably not.

Does that however mean the time you shared together did not wrought you something of value? A few happy moments, some new life lessons, a discovered passion your once significant other helped you to cutivate?  Chances are you there was something.

While there was a greater rift that would ultimately see the dissolution of the relationship, it doesn’t make either party a failure at being a partner or that the relationship a waste of time, it means both have grown and the time has come for a new chapter.

Now, writing that is a whole hell of a lot easier than going through the process.  I have been on both sides of that coin. I have had my heart broken and I have broken a few hearts (a statement I take no pride in).  Neither side of the coin is easy to bear, for different reasons.  

In the case of my very first boyfriend, I precipitated a scenario that ultimately gave him the final push to dissolve the relationship.  It had lasted about a year.  Setting aside he was ‘the first’ for a moment, because they are hard for a whole list of separate reasons.  Having that change happen, seemingly overnight, was devastating.  I had gone from speaking to him constantly throughout the day and seeing him almost every night, to their suddenly being an empty hole where he used to be. He was just gone, out of my life.  I was hurt, angry, heart-broken.  I laid every grievance and pittance that doomed our relationship at his feet. The anger would turn to regret and resentment and I would go through this cycle a few times.  

It took time, but I have come to appreciate that relationship for the liberating experience it had been.  There were a lot of reasons it would never have worked out, but for the time that it lasted, it  gave me the opportunity to explore the person I had so desperately wanted to be, but was too afraid to embody.  Something I am very much grateful for now.

The key to the success of that relationship had been passion and excitement, not time. It only burned for a short time, but it burned brightly, especially for me.  If I looked at the relationship from the perspective of only being a year long, it would gloss over the outsized impact it had on my own journey of self discovery in those early years of coming out. 

Not all relationships need to end, sometimes they simply need to evolve.  As we grow so do our relationships to those around us.  We are different people than we were 5, 10, 15 years ago.  Sometimes that can be reflected in the interpersonal dynamics we share with our friends and lovers.  Again written, this sounds easy, but in reality change is often hard, and messy, and maybe more than a few tears are involved.  Such relationships are ones in which time is needed to affect that change, however the true measure of the success isn’t measured by how quickly or slowly the transition happens, but how the individuals involved handle it and what that new chapter ultimately looks like. 

Relationships are tricky business.  Many of us will move through several over the course of our life.  Each will bring something new to the table.  Its own excitement.  Its own tears.  Maybe its own end.  Whatever the future brings, take the time that is needed to process your own emotions, should that day ever come.  Hours, days, weeks, months, years. But if you can, remember it doesn’t have to always be viewed as failure, sometimes relationships come to an end and that’s ok. 

-Always in Love, Poly Guy 1

Outside Perspective – Part I

April 27, 2020 /

This week we took the opportunity to talk to an individual who is outside of our polycule & their perspective on their experience in the world of poly. Enjoy!

Poly Guy 1:  Thanks for talking with us today.  Why don’t we start with a little bit of background on your experience with polyamory.  You’ve been a part of a polyamourous relationship before.  Is that correct?

Boy Nerd:  Yes! I’ve been in two so far.

Poly Guy 2:  Can you elaborate on those experiences? What were the dynamics like in each of those relationships?

Boy Nerd:    First I’d start off by saying I learned about polyamory through my introduction to the kink community at the age of 20.  My introduction to the kink community was through the lense of polyamory.  Initially I assumed everyone identified with some element of polyamory.

Upon entering the kink community I became a submissive, because I was still learning and it I gravitated the role.  I maintain that even now, because it’s one of the ways I express myself and identify, and how I navigate that realm.

The two relationships were very different in the way that the polyamorous dynamic played out.  The hierarchies were very different from each other.   

In my first relationship, the way that I envisioned it was, as a totem pole.  Depending on your rank, how much power you had, and who submitted to who, would dictate what your rank was on the totem pole.  

At the very top was a Mistress, a Dominatrix, and below her, her three boys, who were her submissives.  One of her three boys was my Alpha, which put me right at the bottom.  

That was the way it was structured.  It wasn’t very sustainable and honestly, was very isolating for me.  I didn’t feel I had anybody to talk to or connect with, aside from my Alpha.  Even then, he had to split his time between his Mistress & I.  Compounding that, at the time, though he identified (still does) as bi, he had a lot of internalized homophobia. It reflected in how we interacted, in the sense that he wanted to spend more time with his mistress, because I felt that’s what he was more familiar and comfortable with.  That in itself did a number on me for many years. A lot of mental & emotional scarring, but that we can talk about at another time.

The second relationship, the most recent one, was more like a hand.  There was a singular Dom, so he was like the palm, and each finger was a submissive.  The submissives weren’t exactly connected together, but we had the opportunity to create relationships with one another, if we desired to.

I do recall once where my Dom encouraged me and one of his boys to form a romantic relationship, but we did not click for a number of reasons. Personality, chemistry, and jealousy being some of the main reasons. Other than that, I never really got to a level where I connected romantically with his other subs.  Instead it gradually became more like a competition, with each vying to monopolize our Dom’s time.  While it was predominantly our job to self-mediate, our Dom wasn’t always able to help the situation.  I felt it was part of his responsibility to help step-in and diffuse some of the tension and mediate at times.  Ultimately it led to problems festering and it corroded my relationship. 

Poly Guy 1:  Were you the only one that left the relationship? Or was there more of an implosion?                    

Boy Nerd: Well…funny story.  I met my Dom, in this relationship, at a time when he had a lot of life changes happening, a number of which were not positive.  He didn’t react well to those changes.  I felt he tried to supplement those changes, by essentially collecting new boys.  I saw it grow from three boys to seven or eight and then shrink back down to three.

Poly Guy 2:  Wow! That’s a lot! That’s amazing!

Boy Nerd:  Yeah, amazing in a good way & a bad way too.  He had the personality to attract these guys, but not to maintain the relationships. It didn’t help that they all happened one after the other. 

Poly Guy 2: How close together?

Boy Nerd: I think it was around every few months or so.  I’d get a new text message essentially saying I’m thinking of collaring a new boy. It felt a little like he was playing collectibles with us. 

Poly Guy 1:  This sounds like a one sided relationship.  Was it? Did you have any input when it came to these new guys?

Boy Nerd: Yes and no.  I felt like he & I had a really great connection.  Deeper than some of his other boys.  He would ask for my input and advice, especially when it came to someone new, and I would give him my honest input.

Poly Guy 2:  Was he someone that was polyamorous before you met him?

Boy Nerd: Yes, he’d delved into it about 5 years before me I believe.  That was unlike my Alpha from my first polyamorous relationship.  He was still figuring the scene out alongside me at the time.

Poly Guy 2:  So previously you had learned about polyamory through the kink community is that how you met both of your doms?  Through the kink community?

Boy Nerd:  Yes.  I met both of them online.  My Alpha, who was the one to introduction me kink and poly, I meet through a gay dating site while we were both in college.  My second Dom, I met through tumblr at a time when we were both running kink blogs. 

Poly Guy 2:  Now with both of these relationships, were they both long distance?

Boy Nerd: With my Alpha, we were relatively close.  He was the next college town over. I’d see him about once every other weekend. With the Dom, it started off as a long distance relationship, as we lived in different states, and transitioned in time once I moved closer.

Poly Guy 1: So I’m curious for you poly & kink are tied fairly close together.  I mean you were introduced to both practically simultaneously.  How did that challenge or align your mental models around relationships and how they manifested?   

Boy Nerd:  I definitely had to do some mental acrobatics, because it was a complete shift from what I grew up with.  At the time when I met my Alpha I still believed in the traditional construct of monogamy, and my view of the kink community was warped to align with a very traditional understanding of sex.  That being said, I was so eager to learn, that I kind of dived in head first, and decided I‘d figure out my feelings and the rest as I went along.  I tried to enjoy the moment.   

Poly Guy 1: Looking back on the experiences you’ve had.  How do you view relationships now?

Boy Nerd: I’m not restricting myself in the sense that I’m only looking for either a monogamous relationship or a polyamorous relationship.  I feel that would be too limiting.  I’m, foremost, looking for a strong connection with someone.  Then together we can navigate what relationship structure works best for us.

I’ve had good experiences in my poly-dynamics, even though we’ve all since broken up.  I still have moments that I treasured immensely, and still do.  I see the value in having a polyamorous relationship, but I also see the value in having a monogamous relationship.  I think it depends largely on the individuals involved, and their own experiences as well.  Again it’s something we’d figure it out together, with me and whoever else is involved.    

Poly Guy 1:  Setting the polyamory element aside for a second.  I wanted to touch base on the kink element.  From the beginning we’ve heard how it’s been intertwined with your own identity and your relationships.  Can you speak to that more?

Boy Nerd:  I think it’s something that has always spoken to me, but whether I was receptive to hearing it or listening to it was a completely different thing. 

When people ask me about my kink journey, I like to say, “Well, it really started when I was a kid watching Saturday morning cartoons,”.  There was always that storyline, like in the Justice Friends or similar shows, where it was “another day in paradise” and then “someone would be kidnapped” and the “others would have to rush to save them”.  Without fail the person kidnapped was always tied up when they finally found them and rescued them.  So because of that I was constantly exposed to the concept of somebody being tied up.  For some reason that really jived with me, I really enjoyed it. 

It’s never something I myself physically experienced as a kid, but it’s something I think I could imagine myself in.  Being in that vulnerable position and someone coming to rescue me.  Of course I didn’t think anything of it at the time.  I was a kid, I had bigger fish to fry like learning the alphabet. 

It wasn’t until I started my sexual journey much later, when I discovered sex and porn, that I realized “Oh! You can have sex, AND be tied up at the same time!”.  There was one image in particular that stuck with me.  It was a Dominatrix with her sub, they were both gorgeous.  They were outside.  He had these leather pants on, but he was handcuffed.  He was looking up at her with such submission & adoration.  I remember thinking, “I want more of that.  Where can I find more of that?”.

Over time, from that point on, I discovered more kink, but it was also so intense that it made me hesitate and question my initial interest. On top of that I was realizing that I was attracted more to the guys in the scenes I saw, which felt bizarre. So I was going to have to figure that out too. You can see it was a lot for me to unpack and work through over time.   

Poly Guy 1:  It definitely sounds like it!  Hearing how intertwined kink is with your sexual identity and your relationships. I think my next question would be, you self-identify as submissive.  How would that piece of your identity factor into what you are looking for in terms of another partner or relationship?  

Boy Nerd:  I think at the very least I would be looking for openness and acceptance.  I don’t need that one person to be my dom.  If they felt they couldn’t provide that for me, I’d hope that they’d understand I’d want to seek that role out in another individual.  In doing so, that doesn’t mean we couldn’t have a deep emotional or physical connection, but more that I would have an outlet for fulfilling a personal need without imposing or demanding something of my partner they didn’t necessarily feel comfortable providing. 

Stay tuned next week for the conclusion to this discussion!!!

Shared Calendars – Where in the world is everybody?!

April 19, 2020 /

Ask my fiance, my boyfriend, or my co-conspirator about my planning abilities, and you will receive the same response.  A fit of laughter. I’m constantly having to be reminded of events, birthdays, anniversaries, or really anything that requires me to be on time.  It’s not from any desire to avoid such events. Simply an overly packed schedule, combined with the memory of a gold-fish. Rather than constantly promising to be better and failing. I have learned (am learning) the value of a shared calendar. A sentiment shared by any individual seeking to maintain a successful polyamourous relationship.  Coordinating and using a shared calendar, while it does not ensure success of a polyamorous relationship, will make it infinitley more attainable. (Poly Guy 1) 

As an event planner, time has always been of the essence of the job and that bled into my personal life. Figuring out how late I could stay at work before I had to take in Uber home in order to make a dinner reservation. But it wasn’t alway like that, I used to be a terrible planner and over book my schedule. Between the birthday parties, friends in town, and spontaneous plans can be a bit hard to predict and plan for. Now, when engaging in multiple relationships, it’s important to make time for each person and for ourselves. It sucks to be the person who makes plans and then continuously breaks them due to mis-scheduling issues. (Poly Guy 2) 

We’ve already discussed one benefit of a shared calendar in our last post. Specifically sexual health and testing.  If we expand that view even just a little further we can see how such a calendar could help to bring balance to the relationships on a larger scale. 

Both I and my co-conspirator have found scheduling a breeze with Google Calendar. It is one of the few apps that worked with both Apple and Android products. A shared calendar allows us to visually see the time we allot for other people and commitments. It also allows for our partners to be informed of events and changes that might occur. This is a great resource for partners who live together or apart. Google Calendar keeps track of plans and allows others to make arrangements around those plans. 

 Having the ability to see what others are doing and when, reduces the frequency of double booking and scheduling conflicts.  It does not eliminate them of course, but oftentimes provides a clearer and more reliable picture of what is happening in the coming days, weeks, months.  It is far from a replacement to direct communication, but more a way to ensure individuals are on the same page.  

It definitely helped at the beginning of my poly journey because it allowed my partner to see the days I’d be home later or back the next day. We also scheduled time for each other, family, and friend commitments. It was helpful to be aware of other commitments when making new plans without our partner(s). If my partner spent the night at a boy’s place, it gave me the time to do clean, catch up on a TV show or on some writing. (Poly Guy 2)  

One thing I learned when starting a shared calendar, but any calendar really, was to realize how possible it was to become overbooked.  As much as we enjoy spending time socializing, and spending quality time with others, it is also important to make time for ourselves. It can help to recharge our batteries, and provide a needed opportunity for self-care.  This by no means has to be an extravagant affair, simply a little down time to decompress. 

Shared calendars had their benefits and drawbacks. Some may view a shared calendar as a company-like tool to schedule meetings and offsites with employees. While, yes it can feel like a mundane act it calculates those weekends or weeknight, but also comforting at the same time. To visually see the time spent blocked out for others gives me some relief. Our shared plans from third party sites, such as Facebook, can be easily imported to my partner and I’s calendar.

We both have seen how a shared calendar helped plan with our other partners. Yet because it is in the calendar, doesn’t make it true. Plans can change and it is important to communicate with our partner(s). Let us know what works for you and how you plan with others. Stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights of happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

  • Always in Love,  Poly Guy 1 & Friendly Poly Guy 2

No Glove, No Love: The Importance of Sexual Health & Testing

April 6, 2020 /

You know if you had asked me five years ago about casual sex or having multiple partners. I would have stared at you blankly. If you had then told me, I would have a body count I can no longer tie a number to or even be bothered to try. I would have told you were out of your damn mind. To be young and clueless again.  I don’t miss it. Well the young part, maybe I miss that, but not the clueless.

I must admit, before becoming a slut (and I own that term proudly) I was woefully under-educated in the department of STIs and testing.  Don’t get me wrong I’ve had the birds and the bees talk in my teens. Even suffered through, what I now realize, was an almost flagrantly useless sex ed class. Neither of these did much to prepare me for the world of sex, and say nothing of gay sex.  

What they did do was instill fear.  Fear that if I had sex outside of marriage, it would be immoral and lead to me catching a venereal disease.  Pleasant, right? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying hand a copy of the Kama Sutra to every tween and say good luck. Maybe instead we arm our young adults with the right information that allows them to keep themselves healthy.  Instead of relying on the fear of God to see them through their horny teen & early adult years.

Through a combination of factors, including shyness, being in the closet, aforementioned educational entreaties, I managed to make it through my youth with relatively few sexual partners. Three to be exact (the third being my Fiance). For that I am in some ways grateful.  While yes I did use protection. I knew only the general outlines of testing and sexual health. “Safe sex” only carries you so far. This of course has changed in recent years, with the opening up of my relationship. 

 From the beginning a key component in our agreement has been a proactive approach towards sexual health and testing.  This was not only important for each other, but any of our sexual partners as well. Having multiple sex partners comes with inherent risk. We owed it to ourselves & our partners to do everything we could to minimize that risk on our end. Also, in the event of a positive result, be honest and communicative about said result. 

Our sexual health regimen revolves around three core concepts:  The use of PrEP, a regular testing schedule, & a calendar for tracking sexual encounters with partners outside the two of us.  Doing this allowed us to create a system the mitigated some of the greater risks (i.e. HIV), while providing a way to minimize transmission of STIs & keeping past partners apprised of any positive STI results. 

I will not spend a great deal of time here on the use of PrEP. Suffice it to say, for those who are sexually active with multiple partners, it behooves you to, at least, evaluate your risk level and determine if it’s the right choice for you.  

What I would like to focus on is our testing regimen and calendar. These two pieces work in tandem to minimize the risk associated with STI transmission.  When we first opened up our relationship we got tested every three months. As our number of partners grew, so did our chances of contracting an STI.  Taking this into consideration we started getting testing monthly. It ensured a smaller chance of passing something on to one of our partners. This worked in partnership with the joint google calendar we had created for ourselves. By tracking our encounters on our shared calendar it allowed us to do two things:

One, it allowed us to see how wide a net we needed to cast in terms of informing partners of a positive STI result.  Rather than having to guess at who we’d played with and when, we only need look at our calendar. Then we worked back towards our previous lab results. Doing so painted an accurate picture of who needed this information. 

Second, in the event we were informed of a positive test result by one of our partners. We could track forward from that encounter who we needed to inform ourselves of a possible exposure. Thus allowing individuals the chance to make an informed decision about whether they needed to get tested. 

As you can see the goal here isn’t to eliminate the risk. There is always inherent risk with multiple partners, but minimize it and act on information as quickly as possible.       

  For us this regimen has returned results time and again.  Yes we have had STIs. Yes, we have had the unfortunate task of having to inform partners of those results.  It is not a responsibility we take lightly or casually. However, they have the right to know and make informed decisions about their health.  Unfortunately there is a lot of stigma and lack of education around STIs. This can and has led to a few intense conversations, to say the least.  The only way to change that however (and reduce transmission rates in the process) is to have open communication and a proactive attitude towards one’s own sexual health.  

  •  Poly Guy 1

Silver Linings & Connecting from a Distance

March 29, 2020 /

As someone who enjoys one-on-one time with individuals. I can tell you at the end of this I would love nothing more than to spend time drowning in a sea of bodies and love, ill advised to be sure, but it exemplifies the sense of isolation that has been pervasive and expounded upon during these novel times.  I’ve been lucky, as I’ve been able to spend quality time with both my fiance and Jellybean, but it’s also exacerbated the longing to be around other friends and lovers, whose physical presence I have come to count on in recent years. It’s like being in a multitude of long distance relationships, but long distance has now become five minutes down the road.

In this current climate, I think it’s important to remind ourselves, that this will come to an end.  Life will not always be this way. There may be some rough roads ahead and quite a few unknowns, but we will get through it.  I will not belabor the hardships of being separated or isolated. Each one of you has probably dealt with/ dealing with it and don’t need another voice lamenting in your ear.  Instead let’s focus on the positives of being free of social obligations.

Positive 1: Pants have officially become optional.  Even as we use video conferencing to connect with the outside world, we are blessed in that those we interact with are often only interested in seeing essentially from the chest up.  It’s great! Now you can roll right from that work meeting with your client into fun times with your paramour. And the only thing that changes is how far you’re sitting from the camera.  I would of course advise caution, this could easily lead to some rather, we’ll call it awkward encounters. However, with a little creativity and some coordination the possibilities are quite endless. 

Positive 2: Minimized commute time! As an individual who spends three hours of my day commuting, five days a week, these past few weeks have been a dream in that regard.  I have been given back three hours of my life to allocate elsewhere. As a result one of two things will be true at the end. I will either have the most stunning physique of my life, because of the at home work-outs I’ve been able to maintain on a daily basis, or I will weigh 500 lbs from all the new recipes I’ve been cooking and sampling. The jury is still out on which it will be.

Positive 3: New and inventive methods of staying connected. I’ve already mentioned video-conferencing, but I also know of those who’ve streamed live digital dance parties, or started on-line board games groups to stay social.  Right now these are proving to be the ONLY way to interact, but again that won’t always be the case. When, not if, we return to normal (even if it’s a new one) we will have in our arsenal a new set of tools for staying connected and reaching out. 

Positive 4:  We will all have the shared experience of knowing who the Tiger King was. For those of you who don’t know yet, log-in to netflix, I promise you won’t be disappointed.  Also you literally have nothing better to do. Your most likely cooped up inside anyways. And this will help time fly by as you binge watch, because you won’t be able to turn away.  Shared experiences bring us closer together It gives us an opportunity to bond, a common space to have conversations and dialogue. So I urge you to watch, then all those memes will make sense.     

Positive 5: We will all be better photographers & the library of intimate photos we have at our disposal in the future will be damn near limitless.  As a gay man with access to grindr, I’m pretty sure a large majority of my photo drive is definitevly NSFW. However in a time where I can’t leave my house, I have become much more creative and attentive to the quality and content of the photos I send.  A skill I will no doubt reap benefits from well into the future. I’m sure I’m not the only one either.   

That’s all I have for now.  We, like all of our readers, are not exempt from the ravages of our current crisis.  However, I hope what we can provide is an escape from that reality or at least a different perspective that might help temper the harder facets of what we are collectively experiencing.  Poly life goes on holding for no one or thing, this is just a new learning experience we must grow from.   

  • Always in love, Pants-less Poly Guy 1

New Loves & Old: The Impact of NRE in a Poly Relationship

February 21, 2020 /

Some of you have heard the term, but I’m guessing more than a few of you have not.  Though I’m sure all of you have experienced it at some point or another in your life. Its that butterfly feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you’re crush takes hold of your hand, or the urge of simply wanting to be around and close to someone.  The feelings can manifest in any number of ways, but it all goes by the same name New Relationship Energy (NRE). Others may refer to it as the honeymoon phase. Regardless what term you call it by, it serves the amazing purpose of bringing individuals together and facilitating a drive and desire to get to know somebody on an intimate and potentially romantic level.

As with all things poly, its relationship with NRE can be a complicated one.  I’m someone who loves to wade into those waters of new love and new relationships.  Beginnings are exciting times and the experience can be intoxicating. When you have that spark or connection it can be engaging and the only thing you may want to do is see where it goes.  There-in however lies the danger. Sometimes if you’re not conscious of your actions it can be a little like falling down a rabbit hole, to the neglect of your other relationships. 

Before anyone gets the idea this is a issue special to poly only.  Think of someone you know who is monogamous and a time when they got into a new relationship.  Chances are if you wrack your brain hard enough, you probably can think of someone who dropped off the face of the earth when they got into such a relationship.  All their time was spent with that one individual. Seemingly every waking minute was planned around the desires of the couple.

In poly this can be doubly so.  Contrary to what every romance novel would tell you NRE can strike more than once.  It’s just as exciting and unique as the first time it happens. Unlike monogamous relationships though, in poly relationships there may or may not be other romantic interest already involved when it strikes a new.  When that happens it can open the door to any number of feelings and emotions. Not just for the one experiencing the NRE, but their partners as well. For the individual’s partners, it can stir up any number of emotions ranging from compersion on one side of the scale to jealousy on the other.

For those experiencing the NRE, congratulations, it’s an exciting feeling.  However, in the midst of experiencing new love, don’t forget to attend to your existing relationships. It can be easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment and while I’m all for following the passion try to remain cognizant of the blinders NRE can place on you.  Don’t allow the flourishing of a new relationship come at the cost of existing ones. Attend to the relationship(s) you have existing, they are there because you chose for them to be there and you want them there. For those watching from the outside in, as your partner wends their way through this new flood of emotions, some of you may be able to experience compersion.  Taking joy in your partner’s newly manifested feelings and happiness. For others it can lead to hesitation, especially if it is your first time in such a situation.  

While you should always communicate with your partner, this is one scenario where communication is absolutely necessary.  Especially in the beginning, it can help to establish boundaries and a working dialogue. It can aid to alleviate the fear or jealousy that can manifest.  It ensures that while the schedule may change, it is still reliable. Most importantly it gives everyone a chance to feel seen and heard.

Finally keep in mind NRE will not last forever. It may last one month, it may last two years (or so I’ve read somewhere).  That may sound scary to some, but NRE is not representative of the entire lifespan of a relationship. It is but one step in the evolutionary process.  In time feelings morph, passion can give way to a deeper love and connection. Does that mean you’ll never have fiery white hot sex again? No it just means in between those times you’re rolling around under the covers, you’ll find serenity in holding the one you love close & being content.  

NRE can be an exciting experience within the realm of the polyworld, and really within the realm of any intimate relationship(s).  However in running full steam ahead, it behooves us not to lose sight of our surroundings less we sacrifice other relationships we have worked so hard to build.  

  • Almost 32nd Birthday, Poly Guy 1

Are You Vers? Polyamory & Sex

February 7, 2020 /

Greetings All,

This week of things we’ve learned after coming out poly.  We’re talking about sex. Though to be honest it’s not just since coming out poly that my views have changed and evolved.  The shifts came with moving to the Bay Area & opening up the fiance’s & I’s relationship. Perhaps the greatest of these shifts is understanding that love and sex are not, nor need not be forever entwined.  While the concepts can feed into and enhance the other, one does not need the other to survive or even thrive.

Growing up in today’s culture there is a myth perpetuated regarding love and sex.  Movies and books taught us “the one” would come along one day in our future. That, that “one” we should save ourself for.  That to have sex and initimacy before such a person comes along would be to stain your sexual life for years to come. Such beleifs are further compounded by sex ed in schools.  While I appreciate the attempt made at providing insight into the process. The fear-mongering I was subjected to, woefully underprepared me for the journey I would embark on years later.  Not to mention gay sex remained a completely mystery to me, until I got a hold of porn and my first boyfriend. Since opening up our sex lives I have learned a great deal about sex and intimacy and the roles they play in healthy relationships.

Less anyone thinking I’m railing against the classic love story and touting it as a fraudulent scenario, rest assured I’m not.  I simply propose a different perspective. The beauty of a romance novel, is it pulls at our heart strings & stokes our passions.  It takes a moment in the main characters life and sensationalizes it. We as humans can empathize with those bright burning plot points. The sensation of falling in love, the heat from a long awaited touch, or the feeling of melting into the arms of a lover you have yearned for.  All of these things can and do happen, but they can also happen more than once. Knowing that it’s happened before or can happen again does not diminish the impact it has in the moment, because each time is unique. A moment captured in time.

Perhaps one of the greatest revelations I have had in the past few years.  Is that sex can just be for pleasure. I know this sounds like an obvious statement, but again I bought into the belief that every connection had to be an intimate one.  That every partner I had. I would need a deep intimate connection with in order for the sex to be meaningful. What I have learned is. I can have deep intimate connections and meaningful sex with certain individuals, yes.  My Fiance, my Boyfriend, a few close paramours to a certain extent, but I can also have blazing white hot sex with a hook-up off of grindr I met 15 min ago and be more than satiated for very different reasons. Now I know some of you are judging me harshly and calling me a liar. Rarely is a quick hook-up off of Grindr *that good*, but hand to heart, he did not disappoint.         

For a moment I’ll dive a little deeper into my sex life than I typically would, but I think it provides an illustrative point, least it was for me.  One evening I had the opportunity to participate in a sex party. While I’ve been to several this one was unique in its design, the participants were divided into two groups based on their position of preference. This was decided before the party, and once it was locked in, it could not be changed. The bottoms would arrive first and be hooded before the tops were let in.  Once the party started those hoods were not to be removed in the play area. We were there to serve any and all tops who took an interest in us. There would be no discourse before hand, no introductions more than say a touch on the shoulder and an easing pressure, just enough to let the hooded individual no someone was there.The interaction would be purely anonymous in both directions.  To some I’m sure this would make their skin crawl for a variety of reasons. For myself it was a liberating experience. The anonymity absolved me of a certain level of responsibility, and allowed me to enjoy the full variety sensations my body was indulged in. Think of it as wearing a blindfold on the most extreme of scales. 

Intimacy, pleasure, sexual tension, love, physical sensations. The numerous sensations that converge to define our sexual identity are infinite. Love and sex compliment each other in ways that are nuturing and satisfying.   Lust and exploration can ignite passion and hunger that stokes flame. Any combination is possible. The opportunity to explore these iterations in a variety of ways has helped to mature a previously hidden and denied side of myself.   

-Always in Love, Poly Guy 1

Bon Voyage: The Importance & Beauty of Community Events

February 1, 2020 /

Greetings All,

This week my co-conspirator and I opted to take a break from the poly conversation to discuss the importance of community & community centered events. Particularly in regards to the gay world.  While yes, this post is tailored to a specific community. I think the overarching concepts are relatable to any community: acceptance, kindness, support, & security. Sometimes we forget what it’s like to be surrounded by those of like-kin and just how necessary it can be for the nurturing of our souls. 

I recently had the opportunity to experience my first gay cruise.  Where, quite literally, with a few small exceptions, the entirety of the ship’s passenger manifest was gay.  Never in my life have I experienced such an event. I’ve been to Pride and any number circuit & after-hours parties, but these have a very short and curated duration. They pale in comparison to the week-long excursion this trip was.  

The cruise was a floating island, encompassing all aspects of an individual’s life for a week, sans responsibility.  It’s one thing to meet a guy on the dance floor sweaty, riding high, dancing, and in a jock strap for a few brief hours.  It’s a completely different experience to greet a guy, after having showered (most likely), sipping coffee at breakfast, and in a jock strap, at the start of your day.  The mental states are completely different, as are the agendas (maybe/maybe not). While I joke about jockstraps, my point is , the cruise provided an opportunity for people to let down their guards.  It’s something I heard time and time again from so many onboard.  

Many of us learn and self-teach from a young age to conceal who we are.  To shield ourselves from rejection and ridicule, perceived and real. For some of us, including myself, you don’t even realize how tightly you’ve held onto this part of you, because it has become almost instinctual.  Then you find yourself on this cruise and a moment occurs. I’m sure it’s a little bit different for everyone, but maybe, for example, you’re walking around the ship with your arm around a cute boy’s waist. For what feels like the very first time you look up and around. You actually look at strangers in the eye as they walk by.  Not ten feet past them, but at them. In that moment you breathe for what feels like the first time. Instead of the judgement or malice or confusion you’ve come to fear, what you find in their gaze instead is kindness or warmth or support or any mix of these. Things you’ve been searching for, for so, so long. 

There’s a certain level of romanticizing happen here. Yes. I know.  However, the sentiment isn’t terribly far from the truth. The overwhelming sense serenity and unbridled joy that comes from being able to immerse oneself in such an environment and for a full week no less, is a feeling unlike any other. 

Less my readers think such cruises and experiences are privy only to the few with sculpted abs and effervescent youth (neither of which I ascribe to, for the record). Let me assure all, the variety of men (and the occasional woman) I saw and interacted with on the ship knew no bounds. The spectrum of individuals was as wide and as the endless as horizon in front of us.  No matter what you were looking for, it could be found on that ship. Not only that, but there would doubtless be others eager to join you in your passion. I can recall dancing with circuit boys all night one evening. Only to have a very late breakfast the next morning with a newly retired couple on the first week of their 14-week jaunt around the world. These represent but two of an infinite number of interactions I had with guys from all walks of life over the course of the week. 

While I can attest there were no shortage of the costumes, candy, & body counts on board. I can also promise that what people got out of this cruise was more than a string of passionate one-night stands. (Though it didn’t hurt your room was a walk away from the dance floor.) People sought and found new relationships and camaraderie on a scale it would be hard to replicate anywhere else.  There was no need to fear reaching out to new acquaintances and expressing interest, platonic or otherwise. The response was always the same polite, kind, and often with a smile.      

After a week of floating around on the open ocean with other gay men.  My feet have come to be firmly planted back in the realm of the real world.  I still have messages trickling in from new friends and old alike reminiscing about our time on the cruise. Together we had built something in a week that cannot be replicated easily.  The voyage gave us an opportunity to bond over shared life experiences. To look the other person in the eye and say ‘Yes, I get it. You don’t have to explain a thing to me. I know. We’re in this together.’. 

Does this mean we don’t need our allies? Or that we are ungrateful for the outpouring of love and support we receive from those who give it to us unconditionally everyday? The answer is absolutely not. We will be forever grateful to all of those individuals.  But sometimes, you just want to be able to dance the night away in the arms of a cute boy and for that one blissful moment feel liberated, accepted, and at peace. To heave that breath and let it, and all your worries, be carried away by the warm ocean breeze.        

  • Always in Love, Poly Guy 1

Staring Down the Unknown: Mono/Poly Relationships

January 29, 2020 /

Greetings All,

My apologies for the delay in uploading this post.  I had fully intended to conceive this it prior to my vacation, but alas such was not the case.  I did not however want to let this topic pass me by. It is one that is quite personal to me. Jellybean and I have been dating for a little over a year now.  We share a monogamous/polyamorous relationship (I’ll let you guess who of us is which). It has been a very exciting relationship, but not without its struggles as well. 

One of the reasons (aside from tropical sun) I’m delayed in writing this post is, I wanted an opportunity to incorporate my boyfriend’s views.  His voices and views are very distinct from my own, and equally important to this conversation. Especially if we are to make our relationship work.  Something we both very much want. When I had envisioned this post I had seen it in the style of Q & A. Slowly building from easy to more and more complex topics and conversation points.  What I did not forsee, but soon learned was that I was woefully unprepared for the flood of emotions and fears it would bring to the surface for both of us.

When I started the Q & A that night. I started with the easy questions.  How did we meet? When did he know he was in love? Why did he choose to pursue a relationship? How did he view our relationship? Easy questions, but important ones.  It helped to establish a beginning, and, bonus, it made me feel fuzzy to hear him list the ways he loved me. As the night wore on we waded further into the history of our relationship. 

One crucial moment in our history came when I admitted to falling in love with another guy and dating him.  This was the turning point that night in the conversation, because that had been the first time we had come face to face with the poly aspect of my dating life. (I will not go into the specifics of that admission, but suffice it to say it was a hard night for both of us, with plenty of broken-hearts to go around.)  Talking about this moment in our relationship was incredibly difficult for him. It brought up fears he’d been burying and forced us both to confront some possible harsh realities. There were tears that night and pain. While I wish I could say that we patched everything up and found a path forward that made us both happy, the truth is neither of us have a good answer even now. What we do know is we love each other, and that we want this to work. For now, that is enough.  What I would like to share from that night, and what I think is important to take away from it, is the following:

1.) Communicate, communicate, communicate:  Not just the I love you and the warm fuzzy parts, but the difficult parts as well.  I promise neither of you is going to like it and it might be scary as hell. You may dig up some truths that shake the foundations of your relationship. That doesn’t mean the relationship will end.  All that means is you’ll have to work through/with them. Bringing the uncomfortable parts to lights allows you to address them together, over time. Dialogue will help if not to overcome them, at least find ways to cope with them as people process their emotions and thoughts. Avoiding or concealing those aspects of your relationship will only allow them to fester in the shadows unchecked.  A fate much worse. Making it harder to overcome those difficulties as now they’ve become entrenched. Not impossible, just harder.  

That night the two of us talked while we were laying on the couch, he had asked quietly and with tears in eyes, what would happen if he could never accept that I was poly.  Something I have expressed as an integral part of my identity. It was a difficult question. One I don’t have a quick answer to. On one side, here was an individual I loved heart and soul. On the other was an aspect of my life that allowed me to feel whole and nurture relationships that helped me thrive.  The only response I could give him that night was ‘I don’t know’. I think that’s ok. I think we have to allow ourselves the opportunity and the time to figure things out along the way. To have faith that all parties are working with the same ultimate end goal in mind, even if they don’t have the answer at this moment.  We don’t have the answer now, but we will get there. Do not get me wrong, this sounds easy on paper. In practice it can be gut-wrenching and terrifying. I left that night feeling completely drained and dejected. All I had wanted to do was comfort Jellybean and promise him everything would be ok, but in the end it wasn’t a promise I could make.  I could only promise we would figure it out.  

2.) Patience: If you’re going forward in a mono/poly relationship, understand people are operating from inherently different mental models. Finding a balance is going to take time.  There is no set timeline for how long that might be either. For those of us who are are on the poly side. It may mean slowing up dating or taking on new partners. It will definitely mean checking in more often with you partner, talking with them, reassuring them.  Give your partner the opportunity to breathe and process. We are not all wired the same way. We need the time and space to ask questions and talk things through. You may be super excited to introduce them to your world, but remember this is probably new to them, or at least different. They deserve the opportunity to process on their own terms.  You most likely didn’t get to this point overnight. Neither will they.

I made the mistake of throwing my boyfriend into the deep end without so much as a lifeline.  I freely, though not casually, admitted to loving someone else and dating them all in one breath. Further still this came after we had been dating for only several months.  The admission was heart-breaking and earth-shattering all in one phone call. The anguish was palatable in his voice and he ended our relationship that night. Time and events would slowly brings us back together, but we did not escape without scars. 

3.) Reassurance:  Be sure to express your feelings and reinforce them.  Check-in constantly to make sure everyone is on the same page.  The experience of logic and emotion being at war is not uncommon.  It’s easy enough to logically understand something, but completely different to experience and process a concept. For us on the poly-side it’s going to require finding ways to reassure and comfort our partners.  For those on the monogamous side, it’s going to require some faith in your partner and experiencing some uncomfortable situations. That doesn’t mean jumping off the deep end. It means taking baby steps. Trying a little at a time as you build the foundation of the relationship and discover its boundaries.  There is going to be give and take on both sides. You are more than likely going to stumble a few times, but that’s ok. As long as you remember, you’re in this together.

4.) Forgiveness:  Do not abuse this power. Mistakes will be made, but don’t be careless or wanton. As I previously mentioned, there’s probably going to be some stumbling, maybe even a few disagreements.  Progress is not made without challenges. In the heat of the moment, it’s probably going to be hard to remember this, but once the dust settles, remember, you’re both working towards the same goal. Take some time to process your own emotions.  Then come back together and try again. In time it will get easier and you can build a dialogue.  

5.) Celebrate:  It can be intimidating and daunting to face the unknown.  Especially when there are not many examples to look at for how such a relationship should work.  The truth is though, at their core, romantic relationships are about people in love. People who have chosen, for whatever reason, to share a bond or commitment.

I love the relationship I have with my boyfriend.  He makes me smile from ear to ear. Yes it’s more complicated than a monogamous relationship, does that make it any less valuable? Not in the least.  It’s just a different set of rules. If we forget to enjoy moments along the way, that relationship which we are building, we may soon forget why we were together at all.           

These are just a few of the lessons I have learned through my own experience and that evening’s conversation. This has also been an incredibly difficult post for me to write.  One, because it is so personal and two, because it’s all still so new. Some days I feel like we’re on top of the world and just as quickly we can come tumbling back down. I doubt this will ever change, but hopefully it will get easier in time.  My boyfriend asked me that night, why things had to be so hard. I once again didn’t have a good answer. I could have told him nothing in life worth having is easy, but that sounded dismissive. I could have told him that there’s nothing hard about loving him, but that’s too cliche. In the end I could only kiss his head and tell him I loved him, because that was the truth.  Time will tell how successful we are, but I have faith in him, and this relationship. That is all I need to know. Everything else we can figure out along the way, together. 

-Always in Love, Poly Guy 1

Welcome to the family! Opening Up About My Poly Life

January 17, 2020 /

  Lesson Number 1 when coming out to family.  Always check your text messages before you send.  Your sister will not appreciate the play by play of your one night stand and your mother will be very confused why your boyfriend is coming to the Fourth of July BBQ & your fiance is not.  Luckily I was blessed with an incredibly open-minded and welcoming mother & sibling. While at first my mistakes came off as blatant errors and a clear indication of cheating, both gave me the opportunity to explain myself and our new relationship structure.  That is not to say the understand or get it themselves, but they know it makes me happy and that is enough for them.

To be honest I’m not sure I would have come out to them, or maybe just not as early as I did, had I not goofed and spilled the beans.  That being said I’m glad I did, it makes talking about my life easier and lets me bring my family into my world. I have a close relationship with my family, particularly my mother & my sister, so being able to share more of my world is always better for me. That’s not to say I share the tawdry details, we do have some boundaries, but there are plenty of other aspects of polyamory that are not about sex worth speaking and gushing over.  Things like, super secret christmas projects, designed specifically for your boyfriend that you keep promising to complete even though Christmas was essentially a month ago. I’m still working on it!!! But when its finished is will be amazing!

Family aside, I did make a concerted effort to tell a few co-workers and even my boss recently.  Through blessed serendipity, my company has offices in both San Francisco & Sacramento. I like an hour south of San Francisco and my boyfriend (Jellybean) lives in Sacramento, two hours north of San Francisco.  All told a three hour trip for either of us should we want to visit, not a casual visit. These days however, have laptop, will travel. Architecture however is not completely without the need for an office space, so the fact that my company has that Sacramento office is like I said, serendipity. It allows me to spend extra time with Jellybean without eating into my limited vacation time.  Also, its nice to be able to spend time with loved ones in the normal course of your day, to have them involved.

Thus came the crux of the matter.  I probably could have made up some excuse for wanting to be up in Sacramento, but I’m terrible at keeping secrets, and as I’ve mentioned previously, no one should have to be a secret.  I wanted full disclosure, with my boss at least, because my new schedule will put me in Sacramento with Jellybean for a week every two months, not an insubstantial amount of time.  

You may be wondering how he took it and how I told him?  The answer to the first is in good stride, though I’m not entirely sure he doesn’t believe I’m cheating on the Fiance.  His response was, with a cordial smile, well your reasons are your own, and maybe we can just tell people you’re cat-sitting. I must admit at that point it was really hard for me to keep a straight face, his intent came from the heart, that I’m sure of.  If I’d been presented with a scenario, outside the mainstream norm, I can’t say with absolute certainty it wouldn’t take me a moment to reorient myself. Sometimes people just need a bit of time to process, that much I believe individuals are entitled to.  As to how I told him. I chose to do it in private. First, while I’m open (trying to be), my life is not to be fodder for the office tabloids. Second, it gave the two of us a chance to have a conversation and him to ask any questions, should he have any, without an audience.  Moral of the story, we left the room happy He with, what I’m sure would be a dinner conversation with his wife later, and me a guaranteed week with Jellybean for the foreseeable future.               

Everyone’s mileage will vary on this topic, I know. I’m lucky in a lot of ways.  I’m not here to make grand proposals and sweeping proclamations. Just here to say, from one normal gay poly guy to the next individual.  The impossible is not as untenable as it may seem and sometimes, if you give them a chance, people may surprise you.

  • Your chatty bed fellow, PG1
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