The Boys in Town

Happiness, heart breaks, & a whole mess of spelling errors

Author: Poly Guy 2 (Page 3 of 4)

Let’s talk about STIs

April 6, 2020 /

It’s that time of the month again… to go get tested. Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI) and Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) testing are important routines to do in living a healthy sex positive lifestyle. But first, I will share with you a horror story of not getting tested till it was too late. 

There was a period in college, after my boyfriend and I broke up… I was in a state of crisis. Some of my close friends were aware of the state of my boy troubles by the way I cut or colored my hair. It’s the equivalent to the trend of gay men who are either shaving their heads (doing a Britney) or bleaching their hair during the coronavirus quarantine (I might be next.) 

In any case, after this severe breakup I was determined to have as much fun as I could before the next long term entanglement. It was a new aspect in my breakup routine because at this time, I had only had two previous boyfriends. I had also started my college experience in San Francisco. The pool of guys was much larger and it was the first time, in a while, since I’d used hookup apps such as Grindr or Jack’d. It was beautiful to see all these potential sexual interests in a cascade form at my fingertips. I went to town, hooking up with various guys each week. It was a time of exploration and bliss. I was so in the moment that I forgot to do one crucial thing, getting tested.

With a lack of insight or gay friends to talk about regular testing practices, I only got tested when something came up. I wasn’t equipped with the proper knowledge of resources or insights around STIs testing. I should have done more research and in tune with healthy sexual practices but due to societal stigma I was less transparent and to seek help with STI advice. As a very  impressionable early 20-something year old, I prioritized other matters over my own health. It wasn’t until I was showing signs that I took the first available appointment at the closest urgent care. Before I could see a nurse, I had to fill out a questionnaire about healthy and sexual activity. Before this I think the last time I got tested was 6+ months and I was nervous about what my response would say about me. I had gone in with some symptoms and walked out with a prescription. 

Since then I have learned the ways of how to keep myself in good health and on a regular STI testing schedule. While condoms can only have a 98 percent prevention measure against STI, according to the CDC: sexually active gay and bisexual men are suggested to get tested every 3-6 months. This is a good measure to uphold, though I have found that sometimes it’s more urgent to go every 1-2 months depending on how sexually active a person is. When it comes to STI and HIV, some people (like myself) are less likely to exhibit symptoms over others. Personally, after years of sexual encounters and talking to people, I have found monthly testing to be the best preventive practice. 

Yes there are several factors to consider, accessibility and affordability. With the help of technology and online resources, it is easier to find a clinic or facility to get tested for STI or HIV. Though sometimes it may not be convenient. Due to scheduling, the time slots available do not work with my work calendar. While I believe HIV and STI testing should be free, that’s not always the case in different cities or countries. Stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights of happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

– Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

A “Social Recession”

March 29, 2020 /

Hello y’all, it’s been some time since we last posted. We realize that we are living in a difficult time with the covid-19 pandemic. It has been a little over a week since San Francisco and surrounding counties have placed a shelter in place order on their residence. While some of us thrive in a social distanced environment, there are others that struggle to keep social interaction and mental health up. 

Personally, working from home has been nice, I have been able to do more without a 40-minute commute to and from work. It gives me more time to focus on other hobbies, exercise, and self-care routines. As an extrovert, it’s been daunting to know that the energy I use to receive from social engagements is now put on hold. Some of our friends do recharge their “batteries” by reading or alone time, which is great for them. I get to be on the other side of the introvert-extrovert spectrum. Instead of asking my friends to come out, they are the ones who are enjoying their time indoors. While this is a necessary measure to prevent the spread of coronavirus, for some, being confined at home (and little outdoor activity) can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation. 

How do we connect when we cannot physically see our friends, family, loved ones? Well luckily we live in the 21st-century, where technology has surpassed the Nokia phones and dial-up internet era we grew up in. I remember skyping high school friends during my first year of college. It was amazing to have the technology to virtually see them helped destress being so far away from them and contributed to my overall well-being. Due to technology, while we can’t be there physically, we can be together emotionally or mentally. 

One way for us to connect with our peers is through Zoom, an online communication app used for video conferencing. One of my friends has been using it for their spring courses at university. It was great being able to chat with friends and see their expressions as I updated them on my weekly revelations. We all admitted it felt like our college dorm room days, using the twitchy Oovoo app as we caught up over snacks (and now drinks). The shared laughter and updates made the night better with friends, who at some points I use to see weekly. This app helped create some sense of normalcy in a not so normal situation. 

I have used Zoom more this past weekend than I could ever imagine. From a social happy hour to connecting with others for a live dance party, this is a tool that can make a person feel less alone when reality starts to settle in. 

In retrospect to polyamory, and relationships in general, some of us are fortunate to live with our paramours and or have housemates to ease our social parameters. For others though that may not be the case. In any scenario, during these difficult times we should reach out and make time to those people in our lives who matter. Communication is key. Not for your own well-being but for your partner(s) as well, talk to them: about their feelings, needs and wants. When physical touch is not available, it is important to look at other avenues (such as emotional and mental connections) to nourish a relationship to let them feel loved and supported.

We as people learn to adapt in situations. Like indoor plants, some of them need lots of sun, while others do well in low light levels and interaction. We must figure out what works best for ourselves and position ourselves in optimal situations to receive the most care for ourselves.

Reading articles have altered my perception of these times. Some relationships will go through a series of new complications due to restrictions, while others (such as long distances) for the most part will seem unchanged. This isn’t the first time, nor the last time that physical distance has put stain on a relationship. Some friends’ routines are unaffected as they still chatting with their partner(s) via text, phone calls, and video calls. While we have to put a hold on face-to-face contact with others, doesn’t mean we can’t make time and effort to our loved one. Stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights of happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

-Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

The Butterfly Feelings…

February 21, 2020 /

We’ve all heard of the term “butterflies feeling.” It’s an undeniably strong feeling we have with a person, primarily, in the beginning of a relationship. I never stopped to question the feeling, or even knew there was another term for it, I always just went with it.

More Than Two defines New Relationship Energy (NRE) as: A strong, almost giddy feeling of excitement and infatuation common in the beginning of any new romantic relationship. This energy from NRE is believed to be accompanied with emotional bonding, feelings of happiness and self-well-being. 

My partner and I’s relationship started off casual. He was in an open relationship when we first met. The first time we hung out, he came over, I made him dinner and had a simple “Netflix and chill” session. After our first hangout, I felt quite content, open, and trusting toward him. Months to follow, we were still seeing each other with no label established. Him and his boyfriend had broken up and I was too nervous to ask for clarification of our own status. We eventually got to talking and agreed we were dating one another. I was ecstatic, it was like another dose of NRE. We went on our first Valentine’s Day date at The Stinking Rose, an Italian restaurant known for its garlic-infused dishes. We split our first bottle of Riesling, which I personally thought was super romantic for one of our first official dates.

It was a couple months later, my housemate’s “ex” girlfriend had come up to San Francisco to spend spring break with us. We spent the day hiking in Muir Woods, with stops at the Golden Gate Bridge, Marin Headlands, and other various city landmarks. After dinner, I took them to a sporty gay bar in hopes they’d enjoy the sports vibe. Unfortunately, by the time we made it to the bar there were no games to show, so instead there was a rotation of jocks and cocks. They were thoroughly impressed. 

It was to my surprise that my partner decided to join us after his shift. Within minutes of meeting up with us, he was exchanging numbers with my housemate’s “ex” girlfriend. The night would lead us into a spontaneous outing. Throughout the night, I’d look at my partner and smile. The interactions between the four of us just seemed effortless. We ended our night at the infamous Castro bar, Badlands, known for its Top 40 hits and being the bar that everyone ends up at back then. After the bar closed, before getting a dirty street hotdog, we took an obligatory group picture to remember the night. 

It truly was a night of bliss. We got back to our apartment, my housemate and his “ex” girlfriend went to bed while my partner and I stayed up longer. Probably to make soup for my forever-hungry self. That night was an all-inclusive feeling of excitement, happiness, and something new. As we made our way into the kitchen, we soon found ourselves making out on the floor and against the oven. It was at that moment that I knew I wanted something more from the relationship. So, I sat on his lap and asked if he wanted to be my boyfriend. He said yes and we continued making out. 

As I continue to journey down the path of polyamory, I start to notice the similarities between poly and monogamous relationships. Poly relationships have similar mechanics to other relationships, just with added components. New relationship energy had taken full force that night and led to my partner and I becoming officially boyfriends. After five years together, a lot has happened and it can be hard to remember what drew us to one another. It was a conjunction of many things, including new relationship energy, in the relationship that brought us together in the first place. 

Like all things, NRE cannot last forever. But if you stick out the relationship, what can come from it is called Old Relationship Energy (ORE), which More Than Two defines as “the feeling of comfort, security, and stability often associated with a long-standing romantic relationship.” While I may have stirred things in my current relationship, I hope we can get back to a point like this. With some effort and a whole lot of patience, I believe we can make it happen. ORE is just special as NRE. It withstands the test of time. And love is love right? Old love, new love, I will always have a special place for my partner’s love. As always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights of happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.


-Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

What’s Your Love Language?

February 14, 2020 /

Learning a love language is just as complex as another language; it takes practice, sometimes immersion in the culture, and patience. Most of us aren’t polyglot, who know several languages. I still struggle with English even though it’s my native language. In any case, I persevere through this struggle and discover more about myself in the process. 

There are 5 languages of love: 

Words of Affirmation 

Uses of active listening and words to build up your partner(s). 

Gifts 

Uses thoughtful gifts and gestures to show your gratitude toward your companion(s). 

Act of Services

Uses action to show you’re partnered with them. 

Quality Time 

Uses undivided attention and focused conversation to connect with your partner(s). 

Physical Touch

Uses non-verbal (body language) and touch to express love for their partner(s). 

These are the bare minimum definitions of how we give and receive love with our partner(s). Though this test is not as extensive as The Myers Briggs assessment, it provides basic insight on how to understand your partner(s) and/or metamour(s). Understanding someone’s love languages can help build a foundation for new relationships or reconnect an existing one. Like most personality tests, things change over time and who we were ten, five, or even a year ago can change. 

The first time my partner and I took the test, my primary love language was quality time and his’ was physical touch. After recently taking the test again, my top language was quality time, followed by acts of service and words of affirmation. These are the ideal ways to understand my partner’s expression of love. While people may have different love languages, this knowledge is used to not only communicate love, but provide prospective to one another. It helps one understand that love is unique, just as people are unique. 

Quality time is not always about the physical time, but the prep work and a dash of spontaneity. As an event designer, I’ve learned how to plan an evening down to a T. Granted there are factors such as traffic, cook time, and service that can be unpredictable factors in an evening affair. On the other hand, I was thoroughly impressed by a date that started with a rooftop happy hour, which led to drinks at my favorite book bar, and ended with a run to Japantown for udon. We had both planned bits and pieces of the date but left the rest up to spontaneity.

Our love language bleeds into heartache as well. When I am down, I also like to surround myself with friends and loved ones. The night we got broken up with, I was at a design event and rushed home to make sure my partner was okay. In the uber back, I rallied some friends to be there for me- literally. That was not the same mentality as my partner, he wanted to be alone. Though my partner and I have different love languages, this particular night we utilized different avenues for support. I spent the rest of the evening sharing and bottle of wine (or several) with two friends. Their company eased some of the pressure and helped process some of what was happening. 

Overall, love languages are tools and form of communication to feel most loved with our distinctive personalities. These languages relate to not only our paramours, metamours, but friends and family. Being in tune with these insights can help aid any relationship. Even if you’ve taken it before, I challenge you to take The 5 Love Languages quiz. And as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights of happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory. 

-Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

Evolution of My Sexual Identity

February 7, 2020 /

I still remember that naive freshman version of myself, so excited to start a new chapter in my life, both educational and sexual. Within the first quarter, I came out as gay to one of my best friends, The Engineer Trainee, and met a boy. He had that suave punk-rock band look to him with a curtain role model haircut. We met at a student government assembly for our dorm. He sat directly across me and made some ridiculous faces. I had to take a look around me to make sure that his gestures were intended for me. And they were. After the meeting we chatted for a bit and exchanged numbers. 

Flash forward to our first date, it was on campus because there wasn’t much for low-funded students to do off campus. We decided to meet up one afternoon for coffee and a rock band show. We got our coffees, found a grassy section in the middle of the quad and began divulging into each other’s lives. “How many boyfriends do you have?”, he asked. It was zero at the time but I didn’t want to tell him that so I said two. “Have you had sex yet?”, I was truthful and said no. He chuckled. I then asked “How many guys have you slept with?”, and his response was, “Honestly, I don’t know.” 19-year-old me was shocked. How do you not know this number? Not even a ballpark? After that the mood had become different for the rest of the date. 

A couple days later I ask what changed. He explained to me that he’d wish his first time was with someone special. That it had ruined his view of sex and he didn’t want to continue pursuing our relationship because he wanted my first time to be different than his. I didn’t understand it. I wanted him so bad and did foolish things as a result. I started smoking because he smoked and eventually had sex with some guy to spite him.

Monogamy:

Since my first attempt I’ve learned what sex is, how it plays into a healthy relationship, and how it can affect emotions. I was in several monogamous relationship where sex was sacred. Sex was our connection; we shared with one another and no one else. As I grew and explored the parameters of these relationships, I broke some hearts by some variation of cheating. It was devastating. But after several haircuts and bleaching sessions I was ready to try again. 

Open-relationship: 

Once my partner and I were reunited after my study abroad, we decided to stay open. It was in our best interest because our sexual chemistry had changed. I felt weird about hooking up with other guys with him. This led to a change in my view of sex: from this soul-bonding experience between me and another person, to something more casual. We continued to have sexual relations with several guys, nothing serious. I had issues hearing about some of his encounters, it might have been internalized jealousy (a topic we’ll talk about). At the time, I didn’t question my needs or feelings and how to utilize communication to get past the issues.

Non-monogamy: 

It wasn’t till we started our journey into non-monogamy that I realized sex is sex. Our relationship still retained a component of intimacy, but also embraced a different aspect of it. We were introduced to various guys, who were sex-positive and did not slut-shame one another for their sexual desires. Our sexual needs fluctuate and change, which was okay. Since we both still love each other, sex wasn’t such a driving force within our relationship like it was in my monogamous past.

Overall, when it comes to sex in a polyamorous setting, my views have shifted. It’s not everything. Sex (sexual relationships) and love (romanctic relationships) do not have to equate to one another. We open up ourselves, physically and emotionally, and the outcome is our own. This is just one take on sex. Other polyamorous people may have a different narrative and that’s okay. We should celebrate each person’s efforts to discover themselves. There isn’t a clear path to navigate our sexual desires. A very wise friend once texted, “Poly is always an ongoing communication thing. If feelings happen, positive or negative, it’s important to feel okay to express them, and then find a way to address them.” The same can be said about sexual discovery and the journey to it.

– Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

Bears, Otters, & Cubs… OH MY!

February 1, 2020 /

As a youngster, in a suburban city with 4 gay bars at the time, there were few opportunities to involve myself in the LGBTQ community that didn’t include alcohol. Granted I didn’t have the proper resources or knowledge at the time to research LGBTQ events for teens. After high school, I struggled to make genuine connections with other gay people beyond the premise of sex or a relationship. Gay friends were hard to come by. It wasn’t until community college that I made my first true gay friend, the Accountant.

When I moved up to San Francisco, I made it a goal to find a community of my own. While, yes, that included dating various “interesting” guys; I eventually built a rapport with a group of gay guys. They were established in their careers and gathered for weekly happy hour at various bars throughout the city. I owe a great deal to them because they taught me how to carry myself, sparked interest with the gay softball league in the City, and helped craft a footing into my identity. 

I spent the past year going to more LGBTQ events for occasions such as: Pride, Dore Alley, and Folsom Street Fair. Before, it’d just be a group of us that would bar hop on such event weekends. And for several years that one aspect satisfied my thirst for community involvement. I eventually realized that while it was a part of the event culture, I was missing out on something more. 

LGBTQ events have been also played a role in the creation of who I am. They provide a safe space, where I can be myself without the hassle or filters brought on societal norms. These types of events were built to be inclusive for the community and their allies.

One of my favorite events that I’d like to share was Bearacuda, a party during Folsom Street Fair weekend. It was a hot mess of guys dancing, grinding and other things that shouldn’t be mentioned. The event space hosted a variety of social gatherings for all types of communities in San Francisco. The multi-level venue had several bars and three dance areas inside. The first was the main stage, with a balcony surrounding three-sides of it and playing a variety of EDM music. Off to the side of the balcony was another room, smaller and pumping out some good vibes with remixes of 80’s to today’s top hits. Outside they provided a smoking area and a silent disco.  

As the name infers it was a bear event, filled with “bears, cubs and other wildlife” of all shapes and sizes. Founded in 2006, in San Francisco, Bearracuda is known as “the largest bear party in the U.S,” according to their website. We came with a small group of friends and eventually found more friends, who we didn’t know were going to be there, to form a gaggle of gays. We partook in drinks, dancing, and conversations with cute guys. My favorite part was getting on stage and jamming out with some random people who were dancing to the beat of the music. I adore such events because they celebrate body positivity among the gay community. A community that is well-known for maintaining unrealistic beauty standards. 

Through these events, I have built a community of friends that… have shaped my outlook on life. They have brought insight and exposure on facets such as: throuples, polyamory, body positivity, rope play, and puppy play. It taught me: “Don’t yuck someone else’s yum.” I don’t dismiss someone else’s lifestyle because it doesn’t align with mine. Stayed tuned for next week’s post that will delve into polyamory and sex. Don’t forget to like and comment with any topic that is a part of your poly journey.

-Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

Poly with Others

January 24, 2020 /

Hello friends, welcome back to our blog. This week I’ll be talking about poly relationships that involve a non-poly partner and how labels can do more harm than help. In a previous post, I characterized my partner as monogamous, in the polycule, but that wasn’t the case. We are open and do have sexual relationships outside of each other. A better term to identify him as undefined in the polyamorous realm. 

Writing about my personal life is yes, a way to get my feelings out in a creative realm, but also an avenue to understand polyamory through other blogs, podcasts, and literature. After listening to a podcast by Polyamory uncensored, the guest didn’t define themselves as poly but ethically non-monogamous. More Than Two has defined responsible (ethical) non-monogamy: Any relationship that is not sexually and/or emotionally exclusive by the explicit agreement and with the full knowledge of all the parties involved. It can take several forms and is distinct from cheating in that everyone involved knows about and agrees to the activity. It often explicitly spells out the conditions under which it is permissible for one person to take on additional partners. 

In polyamory, mono-poly relationships are a common type of relationship. To reiterate: a mono-poly relationship is a relationship between a monogamous person and a polyamorous person. Mono-poly relationships, like any other kind of relationship, can be difficult and takes a lot of work.

This relationship type can be brought on by various factors such as: different relationship orientation, mismatched libido, distance, or time and energy limitations. My partner and I’s agreement to become open was initially due to distance. With our rather sexual appetite, we agreed while I was studying abroad, we open our relationship. There was a premise of closing when I got back. Then our relationship transformed into different sexual desire. While abroad, I realized I was far behind my cohorts in my career goals and so we kept our relationship open. We are both actively trying to further our career goals and has caused some aches.

Some hardships of an open-poly relationships are: time management, overcoming cultural conditioning, and logic versus emotion syndrome. Time management can be a tricky subject for any poly person when involved with another person, who may need more time with them than they are able or willing to give. My co-conspirator and I can attest how a shared calendar with our partners can help lessen the load. “Was it in the calendar?” One of the hardest parts of poly was overcoming the monogamy-centric cultural conditioning that most of us grew up in. I was raised in a suburban city, surrounded by monogamous families, with a house, white picket fences, and a dog or two. Prior to this past year, that is all I knew, monogamy was all I could imagine for my life. But opening myself to exploring non-monogamy has changed my perception of what life could be. Logic versus emotions deals with what we think and what we feel that don’t align. Though I don’t have a clear way to navigate this challenge, my personal experience has been softened with deep conversations with others who identify as polyamorous.

Some tools for mono-poly (in my case x-poly) relationship are: boundaries and expectations, open communication, and reflection. All of these tools can be applied to any relationship and are somewhat interconnected. When I first opened to the idea of poly, I didn’t know what boundaries to put on it besides no guys in our bed without consent from my partner. It felt like an open relationship but with the added bonus of feelings. Boundaries are used to voice what we are okay and not okay with our partner(s). Communication, my partner and several close will vouch that communication, when it comes to difficult subjects, isn’t my strong suit. This tool is especially important when dealing with complex issues. Reflection, not just in reference to yourself but to your partner(s)… What are your wants and needs? What are theirs? This mechanism is used to check-in and see what was needed then is something you needed now. 

As I mentioned in the beginning of the post, my partner has not defined himself as anything on the polyamory spectrum. He doesn’t need to, we all work out things in our own time. I have chosen to identify as polyamorous (cute tidbit poly can also short for Polynesian, which I am not). Forcing a label for my partner has adversely affected his outlook on poly. I’ve always like labels on things because it helps decipher the poison from the wine. But through experience I’ve realized that we live in an era, where everything doesn’t need to be clearly defined or put in a box. We always have the choice to put in the effort and change ourselves to grasp a new view point. I’ll keep you posted on how it worked out.

– Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

This Is Me!!!

January 17, 2020 /

Coming out, in any capacity, can be difficult due to various internal or external fears. For some, including myself, coming out was a transformative experience. It allowed me to be truly myself without the fear of people judging my every action, post, or view. Coming out as poly took a bit of a left-turn. 

The past couple months, with the start of the blog and other life changes, I’ve told people, “I’m very transparent about my life to whoever wants to listen.” But this wasn’t always the case. When my partner (the Simulator) and I started dating the EDMer, I didn’t tell any of my friends or family because I was nervous. I didn’t know how’d they react, or say because my situation wasn’t common or something they’d have experience with. I didn’t have a clear and concise plan of how things would go. So I hid that part of my life for some time, I felt my friends or family didn’t need to know that part of my life. But the fact was I did need them to know. I started with my closest friends and then branched out to others. 

The first relative I let in on everything was “Stubby.” She’s my closest cousin, both in age and in likability. As kids, we were the rambunctious, adventurous, food-playing type of youngsters at family events. It wasn’t till the end of one relationship that I revealed to her about my open and poly lifestyle. 

Our families had gathered that day to go to a baseball game in tribute to our grandfather passing a couple years prior. Once we met up, we made our way to our seats, but not before we snagged some of the ballpark’s infamous margaritas. 

After a couple sips, or gulps, I gave her the full rundown on my life for the last 6 months, which included going from open to poly. It was a lot to process because I hadn’t given her any of this information prior. Her reaction was formed into the following emotions: shocked, nervous, impressed, and curious.

Shocked: Polyamory was new to her, she didn’t know anyone that was in this type of relationship.

Nervous: With all this new information, she was worried that I was being pressured to do things I didn’t want to do. Looking back on it, her initial fear stemmed from an emotional aspect, there were so many more ways to get hurt in this type of lifestyle. She mentioned, “Monogamous relationships are already tricky, so adding another person’s wants, needs, past, and goals creates this whole new dynamic that seems like a lot to balance.”

Impressed: She recounts the way I described the relationships and the struggles were so factual. I was so honest with her and myself in the moment solidified that these were real, genuine, and long-term feelings. It was welcoming knowing she saw that this decision wasn’t, “just for fun,” or to get out of my current relationship. She also noted, “I had done a lot of reflection, identified the rough spots, and were thinking proactively on how to make everything work.”

Curious: Our entire conversation was contained over 9-innings of baseball and she had a million questions flying through her head. How does this all work? How do you manage your own emotions?!… But thank goodness the blog exists so we can cover some of these questions we both shared. 

Another coming out involves, “The Poet,” he was sensitive, empathetic, and my second boyfriend. Coming out to him was unintentional. I had sent out Facebook requests, to various friends, to like our Facebook page and he was one of them. Most friends liked our page without question, but not him. He was always a curious one and used empathy to dissect any topic. 

He reached out to me on Instagram to find out more about the blog. I saw his message, “Tbh  I had a feeling monogamy wasn’t your jam :P.” While I chuckled, it also evoked curiosity to why he thought monogamy wasn’t my forte, so I asked. 

His response: 

One thing that stood out and makes sense now is when you look at your view of best friends and how easy it is for you to navigate what you need from each of them and still maintain a deep connection with each of them. 

Another would be when we were in our relationship. Looking back on it now, what happened with The Accountant (also referred to as my first love) makes a lot of sense now. You are the type of person who wants to experience life and everything it has to offer. And you have the capacity to experience love and connection with more than just one primary person. 

I mean from a monogamous narrative what happened with the accountant would be viewed as emotional cheating. And from poly narrative it was you seeking out a form of intimacy and connection that I wasn’t able to give you when we were together. 

While things didn’t work out with the poet, I’m glad we were able to get to a point in which we can be cordial and have conversations. 

These two examples of how coming out have helped me feel comfortable in my own way of living. Though they might have different views on life and love, they didn’t condon me for this life choice. I appreciate their openness and can only hope the same reaction from others who aren’t aware of this new life exploration. These are two positive examples of coming out but for some it could have an adverse effect and that’s for them to decide. You are you! As the great Theodor Seuss Geisel said, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” 

– Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

New Beginnings: How to Meet Other Poly Folks

January 3, 2020 /

It’s a new year, filled with opportunities, adventures, and enjoyment. We all have our set of New Year’s Resolutions and this year is no different. While there are many things to resolve in the new year, we thought it was best to equip you with suggestions on how to begin your journey to polyamory. How to learn more about it? Disclaimer: What worked for us might not work for you, here’s our insights on how we started our poly exploration. 

However you found out about polyamory: through trial and error of relationship styles with a partner, on a date, through a reading, or various other activities; it is likely to be a valuable resource. If your exposure was a person, they probably had similar inquiries at first about polyamory and can help navigate your exploration. 

For myself, it wasn’t until I met the gaymer that I even considered polyamory as a lifestyle choice. While he was open and patient with all my question, he recommended reading More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory. As the title mentions, it is a more reasonable resource through polyamory with their experiences and research. It is not the only highly-rated polyamory book though. It’s predecessor, The Ethical Slut, provides a more philosophical voice on the matter. 

More Than Two does provide a glossary of poly terms and a variety of resources for the reader. One section discussed on how to find other poly people because there is no such thing as a polyamorus bar. The book mentioned that OKCupid was a great resource because the app provides a non-monogamy option. Through it I have matched with several other poly people and have met up with some of them. While I have shared my experiences with some of my non-poly friends, they can only listen and try to grasp the concepts. I have learned a lot through listening to people’s shared experience with polyamory. It’s nice to confide in someone who has been in your shoes. 

Other methods of finding poly people that have worked include: searching on Facebook, MeetUp, and other online forums and group-based websites. That’s how I discovered Bay Area Poly Happy Hour. They have meetups all over the Bay Area, spanning on various topics and activities. After finding them, I searched the events and found one right in our city, texted my co-conspirator and set plans to go to one of these poly happy hour meetups. 

After some light shopping, happy hour drinks, and light de-briefing on each other’s lives; we marched our way to the happy hour. Us being us, we got there right as it started and it was quite dead. The full-bar restaurant was one open space with a variety of lounge and seating options. It was hard to tell who was there for the meetup and who was there for drinks and food. To kill time (and nerves) we got drinks and sat on the central couch, where we met a straight poly couple. We exchanged hellos and ended up spending the evening talking about our journey.

These are just some of our helpful avenues I’ve ventured into to find more poly people. My co-conspirator and I do not have all the answers to all poly questions but hope through our experience, we can insight further inquiry in your own questions.

A Joy of Polyamory

December 20, 2019 /

With the holidays around the corner and Christmas music in the department stores, it’s finally time to be a bit gooey and talk about happy “holly” poly moments. Some of our previous topics have been on the heavier side and we wanted to shed light on one of the joyful aspects of polyamory. 

Compersion. What? This made-up sounding word is the first thing that comes to mind when I think of “happy poly moments.” Compersion is “a feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.” This term is coined by Kerista Commune. It’s the opposite of jealousy, because a person experiences a positive emotion when seeing their partner(s) with another love interest. While compersion might not equate to “happy poly moments”, they work together to accomplish the joys of poly. 

I first heard this term on the dance floor at a gay days event at Six Flags Discovery Kingdom by the gaymer was dating at the time. As we were dancing, I saw him look off into the distance and start to grin. I peer over in that direction to see what all the smiles were about. He saw his fiancé dancing with his boyfriend and all he could do was smile and say, “Aww.” 

Looking back on the year, there were many moments of compersion and happiness. One in particular I’d like to share with you is during and after our annual Friendsgiving. Every year we host a lovely gathering, where new and close friends drink, eat, and be merry. This year was no exception.

This was the largest year turnout with 38+ people crammed into our rented 3-bedroom, San Franciscan apartment. I distinctly remember one happy poly moment that included me, the gaymer, and another poly friend called “The Kink” . After finishing my plate of food, I made my way around the house to check on everyone and see if there was anything anyone needed. I found myself in the guest room where to one side of the futon was the gaymer and to the other side was the kink, who I had met at a friend’s party earlier. I sat in the middle and cozied up to the gyamer and locked fingers. The kink scooched closer, locked fingers, and he started to gently rub his head against mine. I smiled and sighed in content. I turned towards the gaymer and grinned. We locked eyes and started to make out. It was one of the purest forms of happiness, with no judgement.

After Friendsgiving, a group of us headed to an EDM showcase of several artists with the promise of a special closing act by Seven Lions. They were one of the EDMer’s favorite artists and though we were tired, he had convinced us to go. Out of all our friends to join us, our group consisted of open, poly, couples, and singles. Once Seven Lions came on, we were all in a pure state of ecstasy. I was dancing with one of the kink, while my partner was dancing with the EDMer. Somewhere between the drop and the heavy bass; I glanced over at my partner and started to grin. Then it all clicked, that grin was a product of compersion. I couldn’t contain how ecstatic I was to see the two of them enjoying one another’s company. The only thing that made the night better was listening to Seven Lions perform their song First Time, which if you haven’t heard it yet you should give it a listen. 

So cheers! It has been a journey to get here and I thank you for taking the time to read our  posts. As we round the year out, I’d like to wish you and your loved ones a happy holidays and a splendid new year.

-Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

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