Author: Poly Guy 2 (Page 2 of 4)

This week we will talk about the stigma that we’ve faced around polyamory. Before talking about some of the stigma around polyamory, let’s talk about what other people are talking about on the subject matter. There is an article posted in 2019 by Medium called, APA Seeks to Remove Stigma of Polyamory. The articles talked about the American Psychology Association deploying a task force to look into “consensual non-monogamy” to help de-stigmatize the subject. Their goal was to “promote awareness and inclusivity about consensual non-monogamy and diverse expression of intimate relationships.” The task force doesn’t focus on polyamory solely, it includes other subsets of non-monogamy, such as open-relationships, “swinging,” and other types of relationships. The writer writes how she empathized with the right for gay marriage, but had a difficult time when it came to legalizing polyamory.

With only a little over a year of exploration into the community, I have not mastered everything there is to know about the lifestyle, but I have made some effort to involve myself in the polyamory community since my recent divorce. Due to Covid it has been hard to meet more polyamourous people. In the meantime I have read various articles and am currently reading The Ethical Slut for the first time. My first source of polyamory and non-monogamy was More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory. This novel gave insight on fundamental and personal experiences on the subject matter.

One of the experiences that is a common thread throughout many of these articles is stigma. We all know that feeling, when approached with a decision of saying something out of turn but don’t because there is a hesitation. Or because we might be scared how people will judge us or see us. It comes in a variety of forms and is harmful to those trying to express themselves full-heartedly and openly. The dictionary definition of stigma is: A mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person. It can stem from internal or external forces. Stigma still exists in society around polyamory. 

There’s been a handful of times when I tell someone unfamiliar with polyamory that I am polyamorous, I then usually have to explain to them what that means. Their first response is typically along the lines of, “Oh so you like, can have sex with a bunch of people?” While it can be an honest attempt to engage in dialogue and understanding, it also paints a broad generalization that barely scratches the surface of what polyamory encompasses and can be a source of much misunderstanding and assumptions.

As can be gleaned from this example, these initial conversations can be one’s punctuated by awkwardness. However they are also an important first step when it comes to de-stigmatizing the notions around polyamory. Opening up dialogue and conversation around the topic allows for engagement and inquiry, which in turn helps to expand understanding. 

After opening up the conversation, we have to do our part in educating people. Knowledge is power. Some don’t know what to think. It almost reminds me of first time someone called me gay. I was in middle school and this adjective wasn’t endearing by any means. I didn’t know what that was so I asked and got an answer in return. While I do identify as gay now, back then I was totally confused by the concept.  Polyamory can invoke a similar reaction. For many, the vocabulary surrounding and related to the subject, is not part of their own lexicon.  The words lack (or import the wrong) meaning, definition, and history.  They have nothing on to which to hang the overarching concepts. That remains our job for now, to help people build that vocabulary & base of knowledge and in turn, again, understanding.

I’ve had positive and negatives reactions when coming out as polyamorous. Some of my close friends can’t empathize with the subject, but still show support in other ways. On the other hand there has been no shortage of nasty remarks on the life I choose to live. Dating in 2020 is slim. Most I can do to inform people on these online dating apps is to include a tidbit about polyamory. Yes, some people who I’ve matched with question the polyamory aspect, while others just delete my profile or block me. When there’s a guy who isn’t frightened by my lifestyle and inquiries more is what makes my day. 

Combating stigma is one of the main reasons we started this blog in the first place, along with sharing our personal experiences. Our voice provides a snapshot into how polyamory can succeed or fail and the various components that surround it. 

Thank you for tuning in and we’d love to hear some of your experiences as well. And as always, stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights into happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

 -Always In Love, From Your Friendly Poly Guy 1 & 2  

Welcome back friends! First and foremost, Happy Pride! As the celebration ends, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on the year. Memories that were made; encapsulated on the camera roll, backed up on cloud storage, and if you’re like me (old school), printed. These photos strung up along the mantle or haphazardly placed around the bedroom walls. While things may have changed since the photos were taken, they still hold sentimental value.  

The highs and lows of quarantine have started to sink in… Personally, there has been love, loss, depression, anxiety, and acceptance (not in that order). Societally, we are in the midst of a pandemic, a black lives matter movement, and a presidential election later in the year. With so much going on in my life, it makes for a very under-rated response when someone asks, “How are you doing?” Instead of a typical response of “good,” my replies include a variation of “okay” or “do you want the short or long version?”

So much has changed in a short span of time and it’s been a lot to grasp, much like my first Pride in San Francisco. A whooping 8 years ago and I still vaguely remembered the details. Thankfully through Facebook Photos and old boyfriend, I’ve fill in the majority of the blanks.

My boyfriend at the time, the Poet, and I decided to go to an event (since remastered) known as Pink Saturday. It was an extravaganza block party that stretched the main cross streets of the Castro District. The event was held by the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, which is “a charity, protest, and a street performance organization that uses drag and religious imagery to call attention to sexual intolerance and satirizes gender and morality.” The party featured several stages that offered a variety of music options. It was a fantastic time to be among a sea of people, to dance like no one was looking, and to truly value the people I was surrounded myself with.

In my infancy of understanding (or unpacking) my gay identity and what it meant to be gay, I stuck with the basics and wore bright color and bought into the retail version of Pride: rainbow attire. After several years of encounters, education, and living as an openly gay man; I learned being gay and Pride is much more than that. It encompasses the history of the ones who came before us, the ones who fought for our rights, and struggles during the AIDs epidemic.

To me, Pride embodies the livelihood of the community and its individuals. It spans the various sexual orientations and subcultures. Pride is the opportunity to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. 1. To connect with others in the queer community and allies. 2. To embrace and celebrate our sexual identity without judgement. 3. To educate and advocate for others in and out of the LGBTQ+ community on issues, history, and practices. Pride is a symbol of progress. I’m grateful to live in a time where I can marry another queer person, adopt a child of my own, and now officially protected from discrimination in the workplace. All of these rights are milestones on the road to equality.

In retrospect, I am me. I take pride in my sexual orientation and my polyamorous lifestyle. While these factors are a part of who I am, I will not solely be defined by them. Pride is a time to reflect on the past, ourselves and think about the future. Though this year was certainly different, I (like many others) had found a way to commemorate Pride. A group of friends made plans to social distance at the park. It was a time to make new acquaintances, catch up with friends, and enjoy the day.

I hope you found a way to support and celebrate your LGBTQ+ community. And as always, stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights into happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

-Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

Circa 2013. Newly transferred to San Francisco State University to begin college and had been dating the accountant. I established a true connection and then (due to impatience, among other things) lost it. That was one of the toughest break ups of my life. I wasn’t determined to get back on the proverbial horse and date for bonding, but rather spent the time chatting up guys and weeding out potential dates. The intention was purely fun, I didn’t want to seek out the meaningful connection of a lover because I was still healing from the aftermath of the previous relationship. It was an opportunity to make the most of my time and discover meaningful connections with strangers. But low and behold fate (or whatever you want to call it) had other plans.

The various encounters set off a chain reaction of less than desirable men to penetrate the walls of my inner thoughts and eventually led to a terrible relationship, I’ll call him “The Unambitious.” He was wrong in so many ways, mini alcoholic, terrible communication style, self-centered, and very petty. Our relationship lasted less than a year but he definitely did a number on my mental health. As much I tried to move on from him, he’d always find a way to weasel his way back into my life. It didn’t help that he was friends with one of my best friends at the time. 

It wasn’t until about two years later, I was with my last partner, The Simulation (Sim) Tech, that I realized I needed to cut him out of my life completely. I was clearly happy with the Sim Tech and the Unambitious saw this and still tried to win me back in front of him. That did not go so well for the Unambitious. I did get a nice travel journal out of the experience, along with satisfaction of some loves needed to be let go. 

Now as I enter the world, 28, single, and ready to mingle. Not purely for bonding, but for fun. I don’t want to do what I’ve done in the past, where I jump from relationship to relationship. It’s unhealthy and does not allot for time to process everything. Though we are out of The Shelter in Place order, I am also not going to start dating random people for fun just yet. There’s so many possibilities for exposure to COVID and I don’t want to risk that. Instead, I will have fun in other ways. Perhaps finding a quarantine bae, as some have suggested. 

My plans to date for fun are now out in the universe and I am certain something will happen. The saying, “You don’t find love, it finds you,” really comes in full view as I look back on the past genuine connections I made. My dating nature has been a mixture of both bonding and fun. Having meaningless hot sex, while it can be a momentarily release, doesn’t over all exonerate all the feelings. I enjoy having a shared connection before engaging in a sexual experience. Moving forward, dating will include a mixture of both fun and bonding. 

In retrospect, each relationship has played a key role in the development of myself. Without one, the other couldn’t have formed. They have brought me to this point in my life and I am proud to be who I have become, but also scared, nervous, and a bit excited. In this day and age, dating is not just one thing or another, but a combination of various components. 

In any case, let us know what works for you. And as always, stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights into happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

-Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

For those who are looking to binge another romance show, look no further. Modern Love, on Prime Videos, is a series based on real-life personal essays featured in The New York Times. The series examines love in all of its beauty and complexity. While Modern Love doesn’t touch upon polyamory specifically, it does pose the effects love has on the human connection. More specifically on how intertwined things are in realizing what we truly want and need in a meaningful connection. We know every relationship in some way (positive, negatives or a variation in between) changes us. The exposure, and ongoing journey, with poly has certainly transformed my outlook on relationships.

The initial introduction with poly opened my mind to the mechanics that contribute to a relationship. Love itself is multi-faceted and there are many factors to consider. Such as societal, economical, and family upbringings (to name a few) that play a role in how we view relationships. As stated in previous posts, I grew up in a suburban setting, geared toward monogamy. It was the only visible route, unless you were Mormon. The narrative was backed by romantic comedies, love songs, and family values that displayed a romantic relationship shared between two people. As the only out LGBT person on both sides of my family, I always had to seek advice from outside sources. 

When it came to poly, I really had to have an open mind to the possibility of love. How it can work with more than one lover, both emotionally and sexually. The quote, “don’t yuck my yum” has proven to be true, especially when meeting others who have different interests than your own. I learned more about poly and grasped the process and foundation. Polyamory has proven that relationships are not a “one size fits all” dynamic. They come in various forms depending on what is worked out between the individuals involved. With an open mind more is possible. In my case, happiness is derived from the people, the experience, and the attitude going into a situation.

Similar to my co-writer’s sentiment, relationships are work. A poly relationship cannot excel if the proper work hasn’t been put in. My initial introduction to poly was a sensory overload of components. It included my primary partner, the EDMer, and the Gaymer, along with working with a work, life, and social balance. My focus and attention shifted away from my partner and toward the Gaymer. I was so caught up in understanding something completely different, that I set aside the relationships I was currently involved in. It doesn’t make up for what happened later on. This was a critical point to uncovering one of my own faults. I was unprepared and the results demonstrated that. Relationships broke down, interactions became more difficult to communicate, and ultimately ended up in disarray. 

Looking back, I realized that I’d gotten caught up in something new, I lost sight of what I already had, and myself. It can be a rabbit hole with new relationship energy. Both exciting and dangerous depending on how you use it. I keep hearing my old partner’s voice in my head whenever I said, “What’s the harm in striving to have it all.” His response, “Me, I am what could be lost.” Like warning signals, his words are ingrained in me now. This experience has shown that multiple concurrent relationships are possible with the stipulation that all parties are ready for that. 

Going from an open-partnership, to a throuple dynamic, to polyamory, in the span of two months was too quick for my partner and I. Our communication degraded and arguments became the new norm. It was unhealthy but I was too stubborn to change my action. Polyamory puts into perspective what is doable (or fair) for a person. What I was able to give to my partner(s) may not equate to what works for them. And that’s okay, as long as needs are openly communicated. In many cases, people have found a common ground to discuss and find a suitable solution.

Overall, polyamory has expanded the idea of what is possible in a relationship. As a millennial, I’ve inherited this notion of no regrets because with each relationship came a valuable insight that I can use to grow. Those societal boxes such as to graduate college, find a partner, settle down, have kids had portrayed an unrealistic view of how life should be. Instead I have taken the initiative to define that for myself. 

In any case, let us know what works for you. And as always, stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights into happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

-Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

The year was 2019, it was in the heat of a San Francisco summer, and the weekend of Dore Alley. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the event, Up Your Alley Fair (or known to locals as Dore Alley) is a fair that takes place in San Francisco during the last weekend of July on Folsom Street. It is a fair, where fellow leather and fetish enthusiasts engage in Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism (BDSM) play. 

The weekend was filled with a lot of firsts. The first circuit party, the first of friends meeting, and the first of pictures. 

Dore Alley has several ticketed events over the course of the weekend. The ones I attended were the Glamcocks and Ritual. Funnily enough, both events took place at the same space. Glamcocks is a burner party of sorts. It had several rooms, in which people enjoyed the artistic displays and enjoyed themselves. 

Ritual on the other hand was a party for some of the most wondrous things to happen. It was an after hours event. We planned to meet up with everyone in our “gaggle” of friends at an infamous after hour club called. The End Up. It was a place where people partied on to the wee hours of the morning. The club usually closes at 6 am or on the weekend. The group was comprised of the squash player, the nurse, “The academic,” my partner, and my co-conspirator. We met up at the  bar for drinks before Ritual, the event started at 4 am and went till 9 am. We danced a little and commented on each other’s outfit. Each person wore something different. 

It was the first time the nurse met our friends and my partner. He showed up 10 minutes before the bar closed. I still remember chugging drinks with him in the bar as the clock struck 2 am. We stayed there for some time before heading over to the main event. 

We made our way to the event but not before we stopped for some red bull and food. Once there we waited in line for about 45 minutes before waiting in another line to decloth (aka coat check). 

The club was packed with various men of all shapes and sizes. The common theme was leather, harness, and some variation of underwear. After a much needed bathroom break, we regrouped and made our way to the main stange and bar. The room was filled with some of the same things from the night before but the vibe was different. Hotter (in temperature), more men, and different music. The music was much of a high caliber over others. Quicker beats and more people enjoying their time. 

Soon after surveying the landscape the majority gathered to meet with our friend we call Molly. It was a new feeling for some and an old feeling for others. The hours before the bar opened again, at 6 am, was the time to dance our butts off… And we did. There was some point in the night that it was, “The Bear,” me, the squash player, and my partner, dancing in that order. Someone had taken a picture of us. Their comment was, “Oh I love that this is like a bear sandwich.” 

 It was truly a time where my partner and I could enjoy ourselves, without being together. Maybe it was the music or the friends, but that night was awesome in its own fashion. I know because I took 4 pictures total. 

Hours had gone by, people had left, and we literally shut down the club. We saw some complimentary sunglasses left in a basket on a table. We each struggled to grab a pair and put on clothes. But in the midst of it all, we declothed once again to take a picture of the group. It was the blurriest but most memorable photo of the night. 

After we opened the doors and saw that the sun was already out and shining, we proceeded to make our way to get food. There was a place 4 blocks up the road that had good yelp reviews and open. We waited a short amount of time before being seated and ordering food. Some of us had ordered mimosas, coffee and other drinks, while others stuck to water.

We had survived the night and were full of sustenance. We parted separate ways before we met up again at the Dore Alley festival. It was a festival to show some skin and explore certain fetishes. The group gathered for a bit before disbanding into their own ways. The majority of the group stayed together. 

It was a monumental event because it was the first event that both the guy I was dating and my partner were in the same place. They had met before but not under these pretenses. I was happy to see them interact. It was also the first picture that the gaymer and I would take together. Coming from Asian origin, I valued such things. 

There would be several other revealing photos to be taken throughout the festival, but unfortunately it had come to a close. The gaggle had decided to get dinner at a sushi restaurant around the corner. It was the closest restaurant that would soon open. We were its first customers of the evening. The staff was intrigued with the various outfits before showing us to our booth. It was a japanese booth, where shoes are taken off before sitting. 

The meal was great. Some of us share a giant, 720 ml, bottle of Nigori (unfiltered sake). Other ordered dishes for themselves. In any case, it was a time to enjoy time with others. More pictures were taken to commemorate the occasion. Looking back on that moment, I was happy…  Surrounded by friends, the guy I was dating, and my partner.

-Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

Welcome! Tonight we continue our conversation with Boy Nerd:

Poly Guy 2: I was going to ask if your ethnicity played a factor into polyamory? And if it does, how so? 

Boy Nerd: I feel like it does, not in my decision between polyamory or monogamy, but rather how I navigate the dynamics. Growing up in such a white area, such as Portland, there definitely was a mold and a box that society placed on minorities. Especially those who have intersectional identities as I do… being queer, Asian, and also submissive. It can be hard to navigate. Coming to San Francisco was amazing, where the mold is essentially broken, where there is so much representation of people breaking the mold and who are succeeding… For example, those who are queer, Asian and a dominant (Dom). To break that whole mold, I have to begin unraveling the model minority, also a submissive model minority, that I’ve used to satisfy the dynamics of my relationships. 

It wasn’t until I came here that I started to reflect, think back, and work out a lot of -isms. I really had to contend with a lot of the ideas I grew up with like the pleasing dynamic: of being the people pleaser and being okay with things even though I was not okay with things. It was definitely apparent in my first relationship because I was still being newly exposed to the world of being gay and being gay without the fear of family overlooking your shoulder. Y’all know how that is. 

Coming here was more liberating because there was more representation of how to break that mold. Even then with my last D/s’ dynamic, though he prided himself on not being a racist, he would still retain some prejudicial tendencies. For example, as a white man, he felt like he could make jokes because he’s dating x, y, z minorities. 

I had to contend with, San Francisco, as the epicenter of justice, where so many movements began, such as queer rights movement. And yet it still doesn’t mean that all of us have had our shit figured out. I had to try to fight the tendency to be a people pleaser with my last Dom… Yes, I am Asian, doesn’t mean I am going to be okay with everything that you are saying, much less the jokes that center around my race.

As a counselor, I definitely fall under the feminist theory, in the sense our identities shape our experience and our intersectional identities play with and against each other; in a tug of war fashion. While I found  empowerment with my Asian and queer identity in the city, my submissive identity was pulling me back. I remember thinking to myself, “Wait, he’s your Sir, he’s your Dom, you need to respect what he says”. And at the same time, my Asianess and queerness was like, “No that’s not okay, not at all! If he really was my Sir or Dom, he would listen to me and do his best to change his behavior,”.

Poly Guy 2: I do also think ethnicity does play a role, especially when we live in such a bubble in the SF, Bay Area, where everything is okay and cool for the most part. It is nice to get another perspective on this topic. 

Boy Nerd: I think it definitely helped shape my polyamorous dynamics, in both dynamics. Because I feel like they’d be okay with some of the problematic things they were doing. 

Poly Guy 1: Like what? 

Boy Nerd: Like making jokes about my culture. Using a very racist and stereotypical accent and pretending like I was a boy wh*re from Thailand. The expectation of me being okay with being in the submissive role even though there are Dom tendencies that I am exploring or wanting to explore, and them not offering the chance for me to do that. Even though in my last Dom’s group, with other boys, he fostered those Dom tendencies. 

Poly Guy 1: How aware were you of your partner’s paramours dynamics and what was the communication like? 

Boy Nerd: I want to say the communication was somewhat open in both relationships.  With my first poly experience if he’s not going to be with me, he was with his Dominatrix in Portland. He’d be honest about it and that was a matter of logistics.

With my second poly experience, he felt safe and comfortable to talk to me about things that were going on. He valued our deep conversations. All of his submissives were around my age or younger. I felt that he valued that I’m young, but I’m educated, I’m going to graduate school, and can articulate my feelings in a way some of his other submissives couldn’t. 

I would get a sneak peek into his mind, experience, and process (mental and emotional). I remember that we tried to have a Google Calendar with all our availabilities because there would be times we’d all want to be together but it didn’t work out.

Poly Guy 1: So at least with your last Dom, there was an overlapping of individuals in the relationship?

Boy Nerd: Yes, that was true when I was living with him and one of his submissives.

Poly Guy 1: How long did you all live together?

Boy Nerd: I lived with them for about 2 weeks when I first moved here. It was an in between time between when graduate school started and my lease started. It was temporary. Then I left that lease and I was with them for about a month and a half. That was a really rough experience and that is a part of the reason for leaving the relationship. Being around your partners in close proximity, in a small townhouse, you learn a lot about each other. You really figure out the nuances of being in each other’s space.

Poly Guy 2: So, were you and the other submissives not allowed to date other people?

Boy Nerd: In the second dynamic, we talked about it. He was okay with me playing with other people with rules in place. But having a relationship with another Dom, in theory he was okay with but in reality, with me especially… there was a bit of possessiveness. In the spirit of polyamory, in theory he would say “Yes, you are good to date another person”, but I know the moment I found somebody and brought it to light, he would be very upset.