Greetings All,
This week of things we’ve learned after coming out poly. We’re talking about sex. Though to be honest it’s not just since coming out poly that my views have changed and evolved. The shifts came with moving to the Bay Area & opening up the fiance’s & I’s relationship. Perhaps the greatest of these shifts is understanding that love and sex are not, nor need not be forever entwined. While the concepts can feed into and enhance the other, one does not need the other to survive or even thrive.
Growing up in today’s culture there is a myth perpetuated regarding love and sex. Movies and books taught us “the one” would come along one day in our future. That, that “one” we should save ourself for. That to have sex and initimacy before such a person comes along would be to stain your sexual life for years to come. Such beleifs are further compounded by sex ed in schools. While I appreciate the attempt made at providing insight into the process. The fear-mongering I was subjected to, woefully underprepared me for the journey I would embark on years later. Not to mention gay sex remained a completely mystery to me, until I got a hold of porn and my first boyfriend. Since opening up our sex lives I have learned a great deal about sex and intimacy and the roles they play in healthy relationships.
Less anyone thinking I’m railing against the classic love story and touting it as a fraudulent scenario, rest assured I’m not. I simply propose a different perspective. The beauty of a romance novel, is it pulls at our heart strings & stokes our passions. It takes a moment in the main characters life and sensationalizes it. We as humans can empathize with those bright burning plot points. The sensation of falling in love, the heat from a long awaited touch, or the feeling of melting into the arms of a lover you have yearned for. All of these things can and do happen, but they can also happen more than once. Knowing that it’s happened before or can happen again does not diminish the impact it has in the moment, because each time is unique. A moment captured in time.
Perhaps one of the greatest revelations I have had in the past few years. Is that sex can just be for pleasure. I know this sounds like an obvious statement, but again I bought into the belief that every connection had to be an intimate one. That every partner I had. I would need a deep intimate connection with in order for the sex to be meaningful. What I have learned is. I can have deep intimate connections and meaningful sex with certain individuals, yes. My Fiance, my Boyfriend, a few close paramours to a certain extent, but I can also have blazing white hot sex with a hook-up off of grindr I met 15 min ago and be more than satiated for very different reasons. Now I know some of you are judging me harshly and calling me a liar. Rarely is a quick hook-up off of Grindr *that good*, but hand to heart, he did not disappoint.
For a moment I’ll dive a little deeper into my sex life than I typically would, but I think it provides an illustrative point, least it was for me. One evening I had the opportunity to participate in a sex party. While I’ve been to several this one was unique in its design, the participants were divided into two groups based on their position of preference. This was decided before the party, and once it was locked in, it could not be changed. The bottoms would arrive first and be hooded before the tops were let in. Once the party started those hoods were not to be removed in the play area. We were there to serve any and all tops who took an interest in us. There would be no discourse before hand, no introductions more than say a touch on the shoulder and an easing pressure, just enough to let the hooded individual no someone was there.The interaction would be purely anonymous in both directions. To some I’m sure this would make their skin crawl for a variety of reasons. For myself it was a liberating experience. The anonymity absolved me of a certain level of responsibility, and allowed me to enjoy the full variety sensations my body was indulged in. Think of it as wearing a blindfold on the most extreme of scales.
Intimacy, pleasure, sexual tension, love, physical sensations. The numerous sensations that converge to define our sexual identity are infinite. Love and sex compliment each other in ways that are nuturing and satisfying. Lust and exploration can ignite passion and hunger that stokes flame. Any combination is possible. The opportunity to explore these iterations in a variety of ways has helped to mature a previously hidden and denied side of myself.
-Always in Love, Poly Guy 1
